How do I stop avoiding reality?

[Lincisman]

Every day I notice myself seeking distractions (food, YouTube)  to avoid the things that I have to be doing. For instance, throughout this month, I have been avoiding studying. I did it by numbing myself, ignoring my understanding of situations, and always attempting to reach a state of blissful ignorance. I actively and sometimes aggressively silenced my mind, refused to see the facts, and evaluate the consequences of my inactions.

Whenever I think about some tasks that I am refusing to do, I experience tension, irritation, and sadness. My mind goes "shut it down, shut it down, shut it down" and sometimes " Fuck this I am going to kill myself "(It flashes very quickly with these words) and then I need some way to get myself unconscious fast. 

In my opinion, these are the same dynamics that drug addicts experience. Poor reality orientation, avoidance of truth, lack of self-esteem, call it as you want, I sometimes really feel like a drug addict.

So basically I need to fix my relationship with reality. Or maybe, as Leo said, I avoid not the situations but the feelings about them. Or maybe it is because I feel inadequate to the reality, as N. Branden would say. What do you think? How do I change it?

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I also observed that my mind cannot register the question "What do I want out of life?" anymore. It is like it slips through my mental focus. I think it has something to do with my self-esteem.

Anyways, essential question is: where do emotions come form? what is their source? Is it thoughts and beliefs or is it my subconscious mind or some other thing? Because it is all about emotions and feelings.

Oh yeah, I want to learn to manipulate my emotions to feel good all the time.

Even if I actively try to take responsibility and generate actions ( usually happens after I reached really bad state by living in a mental fog), this energy is short-lived and I get back to where I started.

 

 

 

[thisintegrated]

Food and YouTube (and anime) IS life.  What else is there?  Jobs, etc. are just a means to keep returning to food and YouTube (and anime).

[spigot]

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of emotions and are trying to find a rational understanding of these emotions. I personally find when emotions are overwhelming to the point that they are taking over and creating cognitive distortions (as in the case of spiralling into "shut down" mode and ultimately "kill myself"), it could be more helpful to address the present rather than trying to finding a generalizable answer (such as the root of all emotions).

One set of techniques you could apply to better understand your own numbing behaviors, overwhelming feelings, and dangerous thoughts is CBT, which interjects between triggering events and the patterns of Behaviors, Thoughts, and Feelings to ultimately change them. Here is a pretty comprehensive resource, though a therapist trained in CBT would be better able to guide you. 

Toward the numbing, it sounds like you are conscious and want to make some changes, but perhaps stuck in unlocking motivation. Dr. K (HealthyGamerGG) has a lot of videos that dig into motivation, here is one:

Hope this is somewhat helpful. Good luck, sending love and well wishes your way. ??

Edited April 18, 2022 by spigot

[SeaMonster]

LOL. Posting this, acknowledging this, puts you ahead of 99.9% of the people out there, and apparently many on the forum.  Being aware of how your psyche operates is the first step to awakening.  Hell, it may be the first step after awakening for some.

You just have to understand that the reason for the distractions has to do with unmet needs or unprocessed pain.  On the basic level, you may simply be tired or lacking in proper nutrition, or not enough exercise.  More profoundly, there may be emotional wounds that keep getting triggered and are being masked by these distractions.  So create a plan to change your lifestyle so you're proactively addressing these issues.

[Lincisman]

1 hour ago, spigot said:

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of emotions and are trying to find a rational understanding of these emotions.

What I do is feel an emotion that makes my body unpleasant, and irritating in particular areas. My first reaction is to run away from the bodily sensation. Therefore, I try to distract and numb myself to not feel anymore.  For example, when I feel low self-esteem I feel pressure on my temples.

You are right, I need some tools to deal with these emotions (sensations) at the point when they occur. Otherwise, the avoidance strategy always leads me to a self-destructive state.

[Lincisman]

1 hour ago, SeaMonster said:

LOL. Posting this, acknowledging this, puts you ahead of 99.9% of the people out there, and apparently many on the forum.  Being aware of how your psyche operates is the first step to awakening.  Hell, it may be the first step after awakening for some.

I am not talking about awakening here

[Esilda]

@Lincisman You must learn to focus  ???.

[gettoefl]

6 hours ago, SeaMonster said:

LOL. Posting this, acknowledging this, puts you ahead of 99.9% of the people out there, and apparently many on the forum.  Being aware of how your psyche operates is the first step to awakening.  Hell, it may be the first step after awakening for some.

You just have to understand that the reason for the distractions has to do with unmet needs or unprocessed pain.  On the basic level, you may simply be tired or lacking in proper nutrition, or not enough exercise.  More profoundly, there may be emotional wounds that keep getting triggered and are being masked by these distractions.  So create a plan to change your lifestyle so you're proactively addressing these issues.

this is insightful

the practice of meditation is curative ... it heals suffering, wounds, triggers, trauma, addiction, dysfuction, neuroticism

when these things show themselves, you accept them, honor them, send them packing ... if they return repeat and see them much weaker

[Loving Radiance]

@Lincisman Make tackling your mind habits the highest priority. Studying etc. can come after fixing your psychology.

1. Dopamine detox. Look it up. Do it till you feel that the craving is controllable.
2. Establish a meditation habit. Make letting go of thoughts etc. your focus.
3. Cut every distraction to minimum. Cut the information that aren't essential to your daily survival. Look up digital minimalism (https://www.sloww.co/stage-1/).
4. Make it a tiny habit to stay with yourself in your discomfort and get still with the internal feeling of emptiness whenever you want to go distract yourself.

Go and meditate whenever you notice your mind is searching for stuff to distract. Use the cue of "I want a dopamine spike" which you previously used to feed it with new information. Use it as a jumping stone to deprogram your mind by getting still with the reactive energy. That will effectively reroute the habit from reactive to proactive.

Watch out. It will be hard. Clear back-white rules and a face-to-face accountability partner help.

Set these clear rules & boundaries and don't trust any thoughts. Especially discard those thoughts that have a seductive sugary-sweet voice.