Anger, sadness, confusion, fear.

[Lorandt Aszom]

I had a mental breakdown four years ago trying to understand myself, life and reality by looking inwards and questioning the nature of existence and understanding. I intentionally stopped all my self improvement work. Not because I couldn't bring myself to do it but because it had become a  compulsive behaviour and I wasn't sure if it was what I was supposed to be doing in life. If it was, I didn't know if I wanted to be doing it that way. I was confused about my love for music. How could I tell if I genuinely loved music if I was constantly making myself do it whether I wanted to or not. I didn't know if it was just getting hard or if I maybe hated it and needed to admit that to myself. Trying to push through just kept my mind occupied and frazzled when I had questions about myself and what I was doing.

I was obsessed with my health and found relief in going against my fear of damaging myself. The problem is now I've done all this experimentation in doing what I considered the 'wrong' thing (i.e not caring about what I ate, how I lived, how much weed I smoked etc.) and I feel like I've become dumber. I probably have. My head is clouded and my body is damaged and I can't seem to fully remember why I did what I did. I can't explain myself anymore because I tried to let the need to defend myself go too along with everything else. Now, improvement seems important again despite the apparent meaninglessness and illusory nature of life and I'm left with an ego that has destroyed itself through merciless questioning. I am now left with neither the person I had created myself to be through pursuit of personal development nor have I really retained the insights and realisations I had about life, paradox, human nature, desire, subject-environment relationship, etc. and I can no longer recall all the reasons I felt I needed to stop my whole life in the first place. I just feel like I've lost everything. Now all of my friends are ahead of me and I never got the spiritual answer I was looking for. I figured if there was an unwavering inner peace one could access at any time it would have to be unconditional so it shouldn't matter what I do if that's all I really want.

It really fucking frustrates me because I was more disciplined than anyone else I knew from 13 years old and I did really well in school and was generally mature and intelligent for my age. I should have been the last person to stop pursuing self improvement. I was super strict with my diet, my pursuits, my social development and was very careful about the sort of media I consumed and even sold my playstation at 15 to focus completely on my life and my pursuit of drumming (which I was super committed to at the time). 

 

I don't know what the fuck happened. I was so confused. My reality fell apart and I have been mainly at home for the last four years as I dropped out of school in year 10. Initially to pursue drumming further but as I had more time to think I had more and more questions about why I was doing what I was doing, who I could trust, what I could trust in myself, how I could know whether I was right or wrong, etc. Of course I wanted to stick with my good habits in the beginning just to be safe (I was deathly afraid of screwing up) but it caused me this tension and I saw how my thoughts tied in with my actions and that I would never know if I could find peace in self acceptance rather than constantly chasing improvement if I never tried letting go of it all.  

 

I think about killing myself at times. Not that I really think I would do it but the fantasy comforts me.

 

I'm fucking broken now. I was super into self improvement before and I never thought I would stop under any circumstances. Who I was and my level of development was more important to me than anything else. Well, at least in terms of health and mastery of a skill. I can't remember what happened now and I'm afraid of wasting time and regret but I also remember fearing being caught in the obsession with maximising improvement all the time.

 

I'm just angry. I wanted an answer that would give me certainty that I was on the right track with practical improvement so I wouldn't slip up but I never got one. I was deeply unsure. If I held onto improvement it would have been solely out of blind belief and fear of losing progress.

 

Where was the inner guidance when I needed it? I don't fucking want it now. I wanted it four years ago when I needed it before I lost my fucking grip.

 

I want to try psychedelics now but I feel like they'll just show me what I already know I have to do. The truth that I don't want to face. Why wasn't it clear self improvement is what I should stick to four years ago when I needed that understanding. I actively sought these answers for so long but I just kept running into epistemic paradoxes which I now have lost interest in and understanding of. 

 

I'm angry I didn't try psychedelics a year or so into this when I thought they might help me break through the understanding I was struggling with. I was 17 and thought I was too young. I should have just fucking done it. Probably would have saved me from all this shit. It's too late now, the damage is done.

 

I don't know. I hate myself now. I don't even want to try. I've been meditating daily again and working out and trying to eat healthy again but I'm constantly hit with waves of sadness and anger about the fact that I would have been four years ahead of where I am had I not questioned everything so much. Had I managed to attain some clarity and understanding that trying not to be attached to anything wasn't going to help me at all.

 

I used to be passionate about self improvement but now I would almost rather be dead. I would definitely rather be dead. I want to stop existing. If I was supposed to just stick with self improvement that should have been self evident and fucking obvious regardless of my mental state. Otherwise how are you supposed to know that's what to do? I just wanted truth that I could see in any state that would guide me the right way. Intuition or something I could rely on but everything seemed dependent on perspective and bias. 

 

It seemed at the time that my obsession with self improvement was actually the problem. I had some OCD-like behaviours such as carefully cleaning my teeth for over two hours. Maybe this whole episode was a subconscious rebellion or ego backlash against my strict self discipline. 

 

Anyway, point is I'm fucking terrified. I had reasons for doing what I did but now I can't explain my thoughts like I could before. I almost feel like I don't even have thoughts anymore. I don't know what to do. I know the answer is probably to try to improve myself again as much as I can and catch up and that I just have to deal with the damage I've done and there's no way of it not hurting. I don't want to do that. There was something I realised about the futility of pursuing improvement and I'm sick of playing this game although there appears to be no escape. I don't know. I feel like I don't know or remember anything anymore.

 

I feel dumb and completely broken.

 

I don't know what I'm asking. I just want to hit the reset button. As immature and whiny as it sounds I feel like this was really fucking unfair. All I've ever tried to do was the right thing. How has it lead me to this point?

 

I think I'm experiencing an emotional low right now which is why the feelings are so intense and obvious at the moment but they're sort of always there in the background. 

 

Also, I realise this post is sort of messy and poorly written. Sorry. It's a bit of a word vomit but if I get too meticulous I'll have a mental lock up and lose my train of thought. I sort of just needed to vent a little. 

 

Any thoughts on my situation? I don't know what I expect anyone to say. I don't know. I made a similar post a while ago that was perhaps a little more coherent asking for advice for self forgiveness but I don't know that that's the problem anymore. I don't know. I just feel completely broken. If I didn't have a family to hurt I would probably consider suicide. I want to cry but I can't. I want some emotional release or resolve. I'm afraid even if I improve myself again I'll arrive at that same point of attachment and anxiety. I have a lot of hatred and bitterness in me. 

 

 

 

 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byRYKW0pDuc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boZQj2cGIwc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwpumVCdJgo

 

[Nicoleta]

Hey Lorandt 

Nice "word vomit" as you put it. Keep doing it, I'm not kidding you one bit. Daily, twice a day if you can, on a piece of paper is even better as it engages more of yourself, just let it all out. After a while the clutter will start fading and you'll start seeing some recurring patterns. Free writing is a great technique for knowing yourself, don't be shy, throw in some colours, drawing, painting, poetry, write a story as if your problems were about someone else ... whatever works to get you unstuck. 

I completely get your fear of finding yourself in the same place over and over again no matter how hard you try and I wont tell you it will go away, because it wont. Your observation is completely accurate because this is how we grow, in a spiral, but even if at times it seems like you're back to square one, you're not, I promise. Every bit of improvement counts, nothing is ever wasted, it all adds up in the bigger picture. 

It is supposed to be hard, as hard as you could ever imagine and far beyond and no one will ever have the answers in your place. All it can be said in times like this is "you are not alone, I promise!" and after you figure it out for yourself is your turn to make someone else feel less alone in their struggle. ❤ 

[Lorandt Aszom]

@Judy2 Thanks for the reply, that was nice to read. I'll try focus on being and the present a little more. 

 

[Lorandt Aszom]

@Raze Thanks, I'll check those links out.

[Lorandt Aszom]

@Nicoleta Yeah, I do write a lot every day. Other than a short period where I stopped for a while I have been writing pretty much daily for years. It did help me release some tension and understand my thoughts a little more. 

It's just that at this point it's a struggle for me. For some reason I'm just unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings like I used to. I feel like I can't remember anything anymore. I can't defend my past actions anymore because I can't remember the details. I just stopped trying to think at a certain point because it felt better.

I had questions nobody could answer. They caused an issue for me. Now it feels like all that has been wiped away and I'm left with 'Well, what the hell did you do all this stupid shit for? Wasn't it obvious that pursuing self improvement was better than letting everything fall apart?' And my answer now is 'I don't know'.

I just want someone to go through my past and explain it to everyone else for me. I'm so tired. I'm sick of trying.

Anyway, thanks for the reply. I hope I figure myself out at some point.

[Nicoleta]

@Lorandt Aszom I think consciousness work as to a very specific type of spot, like you can get so good at running that no one will be able to keep up with you, not even those you want by your side the most. Like any athlete or other type of very driven person, you will miss out on a lot of things "regular" people do and have, and it gets nostalgic at times and very lonely ... yet times like this are perfect for those deep, deep, juicy questions that all of us interested in type of content are searching. What I am standing for when there's nothing left for me to stand for? What remains when everything is gone? Let's say that everything was in vain, the worst choice and a complete waste of your time, what good came out of it you wouldn't have otherwise?

You said you don't know and that's just fine. "I don't know" is a perfectly good valid answer and a very solid rock to stand on. We dont have to have it all figured out at all times, doubt is good, mistakes are good, wasting time is good, it's all life, messy, hairy, complicated - an OCD enclined person's worst nightmare basically ?.

 

Edited April 17, 2022 by Nicoleta

[WelcometoReality]

On 2022-04-17 at 8:37 AM, Lorandt Aszom said:

I'm afraid even if I improve myself again I'll arrive at that same point of attachment and anxiety.

To me it seems like you were trying to improve yourself but at the cost of surpressing your feelings which eventually caused burnout. Could that be true?

On 2022-04-17 at 8:37 AM, Lorandt Aszom said:

I have a lot of hatred and bitterness in me. 

What is the hatred and bitterness about?