A diary for Keeping a track on my bpd emotions

[Preety_India]

Write here. 

[Preety_India]

I deleted all entries that weren't serving my purpose anymore. 

 

[Preety_India]

I have no idea what to say. 

I'm just going to update here. 

I probably should have never said anything at all. Never expressed anything. Just quiet. 

 

These kind of things can fubk up min my mental state. 

I don't feel good 

 

I puked. It was so hard. 

 

I'm just looking into empty space. 

Would I ever feel normal 

I am already self harming. 

I tried to eat something bad because I just want to be rid of myself.. 

I have given up on life. 

 

It's awful 

 

 

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My anxiety and paranoia is shooting through the roof. 

I'm getting panicky. 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I just need to relax and know that nothing bad will happen. Nobody will do anything, just relax preety, it's gone it's over, just relax 

[Preety_India]

I might be paranoid but that is some neurotic shit. 

My mother is bipolar and she used have such high neuroticism 

Is that the reason why it felt so normal to me, since I'm so used to it? 

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

She used to care for me in a similar way, in the most dysfunctional manner one can imagine. 

But deep down I always used to feel like she cares about me 

I can't trust my feelings anymore, they lie to me. 

A lot of the time My feelings are on point, like a psychic thing 

But most of the time I'm disillusioned. I feel something that's not true. 

It's like stories in my head. What I'm feeling about someone or something is radically different from what is actually happening. 

 

My psychic nature is another part of me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have bonding issues and I'm aware of it. 

Not just Abandonment issues. 

That is I'll bond abnormally. I will bond with specific types that aren't meant for me. 

I won't be able to eliminate them because the urge would be so strong. 

 

Normally I'm sexually repressed but I guess when that sort of familiarity comes up, I find it kinda irresistible and my Sexual drives suddenly get very strong in response to that familiarity 

See. This is something that even a therapist won't be able to tell me. 

That's why I was so resistant to therapy because what they say doesn't resonate with me. 

I swear I felt like certain people had not a practical resonance but some sort of psychic resonance with me. Like they cared for me the way a mother would care for a child. 

That mother wound is deep. 

Fucking ball of problems........ I am. 

 

Part of the problem is the negging that happens indirectly. 

My mom used to want me to seek her approval at all times. You can call it the female boss version of negging. 

 

But that's how the brain gets trained to kinda want it and like it. To want someone who would want me to seek his approval somehow and then like a petulant teenager protest the same thing that attracts me in the first place. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

There's definitely some karmic thing happening without the shadow of a doubt. I wrote one day that everything is psychological almost everything. Now I could be showing very little nuance here.. 

 

 

I will need to study trauma bonding in detail. 

I knew my  biggest weakness would be someone that resembles my mom but in male version. I thought about this when I was thinking about miss l. I mean I'm not homosexual so nothing Sexual could happen. But that same individual in male version would have driven me bonkers in the sense I would have found them extremely and I mean extremely desirable.. Jesus... Wouldn't have been able to resist that Sexual pull that I feel plus there is this thing that I feel good if I'm humiliated. Read diary of a sexually repressed girl. 

Those things. I mean yea that's kinda irresistible to me. Now I understand why. 

I would have felt like I want more and more. That's why I was into bdsm. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

First deal with the karma. 

 

 

 

 

I mean if we fucked each other in ways that weren't ethical but we still understood why we did it. What if I keep that sort of a person around? 

No beeeetch, you didn't have trauma, you're just bi, people who are traumatized don't do that sort of shit. 

This is cute. .... Deep down. It's deeeeeeeep. 

Maybe some day I become like you. But right now i envy all that because I can never be as good as you are.... I am such a moron such a crappy girl. 

 

Wait I can't even say all this. What if I'm asked to prove that I'm a good girl? 

What will I do then? 

Yea I'm an emotionally damaged goods kinda girl who is broken inside and fractured outside and nobody not even Porco gives a shit 

Now I don't say this for praise but I say it because that's how I feel. Mommy issues mommy issues mommy issues. 

Heavy petting, 

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I feel like a pawn all the time 

[Preety_India]

I'll never badmouth you I swear. I love you (whatever that means), you're better than me and I'll always respect you. I love you forever. 

For you there's only love in my heart, no matter what. 

I did not talk about you to anyone even once. 

You are a good person and I only wish you well. I have a lot of love that I cannot express. 

Love doesn't stop existing just because there are differences. 

I'm not going to be a bitch to you. 

You are free. 

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Heavy karma, heavy emotions and heavy petting 

Some people like me just have too much heavy karma to deal with, like psychic attacks? 

Maybe I was born for this..maybe I was born to clear my karma. 

My journey is messy and difficult. I experience an entire range of emotions. 

I have a mental disease. But I try to do my best despite the repeated assaults from my past. 

My birth wasn't easy nor was my past. I. Don't use this as sympathy. 

I. Just try to understand myself better every day because that is where the key lies for ultimate healing 

 

First I need to understand my own complexities 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

One day I'll get over all these Abandonment fears. 

 

[Preety_India]

I think one of the reasons why I was attracted to Joseph is also the same.. 

[Preety_India]

I've been drifting in and out of consciousness since morning because I'm feeling very weak 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

 

[Preety_India]

I once met a guy who could masturbate 20 times a day, and I instantly fell in love with him. 

I mean wow, what a jackpot. 

I have a thing for men who masturbate a lot. 

They are soooooooo cute. 

 

[Preety_India]

Whatever relationships I have they are a Doorway into my own mind. They help me understand myself better. 

 

OK time to make notes. 

One thing that I have observed is that I don't get attracted to guys who are just plain. There has to be a component that is attached to my childhood in some way. I'm usually attracted to men who in some way represent something within my family. I'm not sure if there is a phrase for this. 

But this is a recurrent theme in my relationships.. 

These guys are generally like my mom, my first boyfriend wasn't like that though. He was a bit dominating. I can say maybe there were some shades though like he used my nickname and personalized our conversation. 

I think I'm usually attracted to men who tend to personalize a conversation with me or present a "carefree home" vibe. 

Be careful next time to not be attracted to this. It leads elsewhere. 

Now they are generally like my mom. 

The second boyfriend was personal too. He would give me gifts early on even before we were in a relationship. 

The third that is Joseph was a carbon copy of my mother who is bipolar. Joseph was bipolar too. 

My 4th boyfriend was not bipolar but he had Abandonment issues like I do.. And he was very unstable. 

My 5th boyfriend had trauma and was bipolar 

 

At least two of my past boyfriends were bipolar. 

So there's definitely a trend there. 

I'm attracted to them because they resemble my mother. 

That same sweet caring side with a tinge of dismissiveness. 

 

So what is it that is attracting me to these men? 

I guess that my mother always made me want her approval by constantly guilting, criticizing and dismissing me. 

These men carry the same traits. They try to please me, dismiss me sometimes and constantly make me want their approval. 

It's the only behavior my brain and memory (traumatic memory functioning as normal memory) has registered as 'normal and familiar.' 

And that's why I don't see anything dysfunctional about it. 

 

Once a guy in the forum said something that went like - if you were raised in an abusive household then you won't be able to differentiate between abuse and love... Both will appear same. 

I could see similar shades in my relationship where disrespect did not look like disrespect.. 

 

Once you know that someone is like your mother then just dismiss them

Also if you see shades of miss L. 

So I have to be careful and watch out for the whole negging thing 

The negging gets me quite strongly, it has a strong effect 

 

I think negging works on weak, poor self Esteem girls like me. 

 

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Make notes on trauma bonding.

It's given that borderlines will have high Sexual impulsivity and that's true in my case. 

Now what do we have to do. 

I have plethora of information with me on the kind of relationships I get into. 

Stay away from guys who are into negging. 

So what's the advice here. 

Look for guys who auto-validate you without you having to ask for it. 

Guys who automatically like and resonate with you and you don't have to fight for your place. 

If there's friction then let it go.. 

Choose low ego guys. High ego guys generally ask for approval I mean their approval and that's where the friction begins. 

In the end its only low ego guys who are actually gonna stick. 

 

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India