Pain( I feel trapped)

[Preety_India]

A long story.....

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I've no idea where I'm going. 

I felt like I was sitting at the graveyard one day. 

I was wearing a full white dress. 

Did anyone know me? 

Was I waiting for someone? 

Why did I feel like voices were calling me? 

I felt like I was walking aimlessly in that direction. 

There was nothing left for me. Nothing left at all. 

There was only Emptiness and nothingness 

 

There was nobody there. Just me and those voices. 

 

[Preety_India]

These things have been happening to me since many years. 

Sometimes it feels like a Stab in my heart. 

I feel like I came alive from my past birth. 

There was too much karma in my past life. 

Where was I? What was I doing? 

Was I longing for someone? 

I felt like someone had placed their hand on my mouth. 

I was not allowed to speak. 

The pain inside of me could never come out.. 

[Preety_India]

I'm getting closer and closer to who I am and this is a frightening experience. 

Those voices are saying to me

Preety you'll never have it

You'll never have it 

You'll never have it 

 

Never..... 

 

[Preety_India]

I think these were memories from my past life. 

I was looking for something. 

Maybe a mother's love. 

There were disembodied voices calling for me. 

It felt like life was a never ending song. 

Too many mountains to climb. 

[Preety_India]

The past week hasn't been good 

Something has been happening to me mentally that doesn't feel okay. 

I don't feel like I'm the same person that I was last year. 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel like I'm punishing myself.. It's a different state of mind..

[Preety_India]

At least God will know that I tried really hard. God won't be mad at me. 

What's the point of living? 

Everyday I contemplate and feel that life is worthless. 

I struggled for years through my childhood only to come to a point where nothing has any meaning. 

I don't feel any happiness no matter how hard I try 

 

I feel like I'm in mental prison.. I constantly feel like I'm not in touch with this world. 

Everything feels pointless, meaningless

I self harm everyday. Literally every day. 

I mean at this rate I just don't know. 

No amount of emotional support from anyone makes me feel any better. I come back to the same state of worthlessness and hopelessness. 

 

[Preety_India]

Maybe there's a way out of this pain. 

I thought about valley home, a concept that I had occurred to me like... 

[Preety_India]

segment called "Valley home" 

That is place where everything is perfect and beautiful. 

 

A beautiful place of beautiful people 

 

Where I won't feel trapped anymore. 

 

[Preety_India]

I had created this imaginary character called Rupert. 

He is a part of valley home.. 

3 characters in mind One is Chayne Another is Rupert And the last is Reece

Chayne gives me this peaceful church feeling. 

Rupert is somewhat pragmatic and loves me deeply. 

Reece is a bit of a cute psycho, innocent, but obsessed and faithful, sincere, honest with his feelings. 

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I love him deeply. And I'll love him forever. 

At least he said to me that he loves me. Isn't that enough for my heart? 

His one word is enough for me to last my whole life. I'll live with it and never complain.. 

I'll always love him no matter what. 

I love him truly and deeply. I thought about him all night and all day. 

I just can't take him off my mind because my heart is deeply in love with him. And he didn't betray me. 

 

[Preety_India]

You didn't cause any pain. By loving me you only gave me new hope. I'll live with this hope. 

It's ok, I accept that sometimes things don't go the way they should. I don't worry about it. 

Your words touched my heart. You see. I wasn't wrong to fall in love with you. 

You see. It was all worth it. At least I fell in love with a genuine man and not some pretender. 

 

I look at you everyday. Hehe. I think of you every minute. And I love this beautiful madness, this rapture. 

I don't have to force myself to love you. It comes naturally from me.. 

My Sexual feelings weren't fake. They were real. And they were for the right man. Your every word made me feel Sexual and for a good reason I guess. 

You taught me love. Real love. And your love is already healing me.. 

I want nothing more from you. 

I'm happy knowing that your feelings were genuine. That's enough for my parched soul. 

I'll rise back again and shine again just to keep this love forever in my heart. 

This is my favorite song that I wanted to be played at my funeral and I dedicate this song to you. 

And this is the other song I think of when I think of you. 

You won my heart forever with your sincerity. 

Both songs I dedicate to you. You are my true lover. At least and at last I found a man who truly cared about me even if it didn't last, well that's OK, at least he loved me even if it were a few minutes of his life. 

Your love fulfills me and fills my empty cup. I can't and couldn't have been happier. 

You resolved something important to me. 

Now even if I die, I'll die peacefully knowing that you truly loved me and without any regret. All the suffering in life is worth one moment of a genuine emotion. I could give it all away just for that one moment. 

You gave me that one moment of absolute fantasy, absolute passion, ecstasy, madness, absolute intimacy the way I never felt before. Pure pleasure of heavenly proportions. And pure vulnerability to the point that I agreed in my heart that I could even be your slut if nothing else. You made me so mad in a good way. 

For those beautiful passionate moments that you gave me, I almost drowned in your love and it felt like heaven. Should I commit a crime and say that what you gave me was a thousand times more beautiful than everything you experienced in your psychedelic trips all your harmala and what not, I don't care about it, what you gave me is more beautiful than anything you ever experience, you don't know how my body felt, no psychedelic can give me the feeling you gave me when you told me to look you in the eye. That was pure rapture when I thought I was looking into your eyes. I drowned in those beautiful eyes of yours. You held me close and it was intoxicating, more than any amount of alcohol, or drug or whatever harmala(I don't even know what that thing is but good luck with it) , your eyes got me transfixed and seduced my heart with absolute joy and purest and greatest overwhelming pleasure. 

You see your own body can produce the best psychedelics when we want to love someone madly for a moment, nothing is better than that madness in that moment, the wanting of each other, the madness of holding each other close and drowning into each other like two inseparable love birds. I felt like an absolute love bird around you. I felt held and loved and cuddled like the cuddle of the universe. What could I want more than your gentle loving arms pinning me down and giving me something that no psychedelic can give, I felt like a slut but in a good way, because I felt like a lover. You cuddled me so good, it felt like heaven. 

And you gave me so many times that I was dehydrated for all the good reasons. 

Our truest most beautiful psychedelic experiences are when we are drowned in absolute love mad love, because love is such a drug, it beats all other drugs. It makes people fools. 

But being foolishly in love is better than being smart with all the material pleasures in the world. 

I'd rather be a fool in love. 

Shakespeare once said that love is the wisdom of the fool and folly of the wise. 

Well, I committed this folly and I wear it with pride. I fell in passionate love with you over and over and over and forever. 

Your penis is my psychedelic, at least it was in those precious beautiful moments and your semen is my awakening. You are/were my snake charmer. My lover and my seducer. And I allowed myself to feel and consume this passion so beautiful and subtle. 

 

Oh, oops I forgot to dedicate these songs to you. 

I play them when I think of you. They are like a psychedelic trip to me. 

 

 

Edited April 17, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Your penis is my harmala extract and I will drown myself in your passion forever just like this song..... I will live in love, in desiring and wanting it and then die one day knowing I felt it even it were a few seconds. 

The best trip. 

 

My awakening is experiencing infinite love and I already experienced it through you. It was the most amazing thing that happened to me.. That's the greatest gift a human can give to another, the gift of love. Even romantic love is love, a passion just like spiritual love. In fact I look at romantic love to be just as honorable and spiritual. For me romantic love, deep romantic love is spiritual, because it makes me connect, it makes me forget myself and connect with love. Then how can it not be spiritual. It makes us go crazy. It is the greatest thing that ever lived, a beautiful eternal romance that is. For me eternal romance is spirituality. Maybe not for you or others. 

My romance with you is eternal. You gave me the greatest gift, the gift of eternal romance that will stay with me till eternity. 

I have absolutely no regrets and I'm glad you fucked me and gave me your love. 

I felt it...... Like nothing else. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

In those cute moments I looked at you with puppy dog eyes, I remember. 

 

Yea you're a bit autistic socially, but so what, it doesn't matter. 

There are sane humans that are colder than ice. At least those feelings were genuine. 

The feelings of an autistic person are more real than the fake pretenses of regular folks. 

 

[Preety_India]

Love is like God. You can't prove it. You only feel it and live it.. 

[Preety_India]

Love heals 

[Preety_India]

Valley home is my concept on God and healing. 

Only God can heal me. 

Comfort, prayer, faith, worship, God and love

I need these in my life 

[Preety_India]

I always wanted a man like him. He is so special. The kind of man I wanted as a soul mate. 

I'm happy. (secretly)