girl acts cold on 2nd date

[patricknotstar]

Went on a 2nd date and she was very cold. I was confused because if you agree to meet someone again I'd assume there's some attraction but it was just very awkward. No kiss, lay or anything. It was just in my car, could it be my fault for not taking her somewhere nice or was she just looking for attention and never into me? 

For the date we basically drove around in my car and had a beer. Looking back I should've asked her if she wanted to something to eat but idk I assume if someone's interested enough they won't care then at the end we parked and I kinda wanted to get laid but she was closed off so I didn't pursue and just dropped her back off at her place. This is the 4th date I've been on in my life, before this I would just sleep with random older women I was too insecure to approach a girl my age , so Im kinda awkward and nervous. I'd like a gf tbh, I had one girl show heavy interest she was down for everything but I didn't find her attractive so I didn't pursue anything as I think that is cruel to lead someone on. 

Edited April 15, 2022 by patricknotstar
grammar

[NoSelfSelf]

Complicated...it seems to me that you didnt know what to do with this girl not clear in your intention just hoping something will happen, if you do something(take her here do something there)mybe something will come... focused on the girl too much instead of focusing on yourself your vibe and direction you wanna lead to ...this is all part of experience its not ill do any better ?...

[Leo Gura]

You gotta lead more and pump up her state so she's in a better mood. If you act too cool towards her she will feel cool towards you. It's your responsibility to tell jokes, stories, escalate physically, and just create a fun overall vibe. A girl is not gonna feel sexual if you treat the date like some awkward business meeting. You have to bring the vibe. Play good music, create interesting conversation, take her somewhere romantic, and start seducing her.

If your dates are too formal then it will feel awkward and she won't be aroused.

Early and consistent physical escalation is crucial.

[Karmadhi]

3 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You gotta lead more and pump up her state so she's in a better mood. If you act too cool towards her she will feel cool towards you. It's your responsibility to tell jokes, stories, escalate physically, and just create a fun overall vibe. A girl is not gonna feel sexual if you treat the date like some awkward business meeting. You have to bring the vibe. Play good music, create interesting conversation, take her somewhere romantic, and start seducing her.

You are right however i am curious, what is the girl's job then? It seems as if the guy has to basically carry the whole date, should it not be more fair if the girl also puts in some effort?

It seems to me that if the girl does not put any effort then she must not be very attracted to you in the first place. At least from my limited experience when the girl was clearly into me she sexualized, and did a lot of things to make it effortless for me. Or maybe she was a more proactive girl? Idk honestly.

Edited April 15, 2022 by Karmadhi

[StarStruck]

1 minute ago, Leo Gura said:

You gotta lead more and pump up her state so she's in a better mood. If you act too cool towards her she will feel cool towards you. It's your responsibility to tell jokes, stories, escalate physical, and just create a fun overall vibe. A girl is not gonna feel sexual if you treat the date like a business meeting. You have to bring the vibe. Play good music, create interesting conversation, take her somewhere romantic, etc.

For how long? I'm always socially exhausted after 1-2 hour into a date and I go into business mode

[Leo Gura]

2 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

You are right however i am curious, what is the girl's job then? It seems as if the guy has to basically carry the whole date, should it not be more fair if the girl also puts in some effort?

The girl's job is to follow your lead and be girly.

1 minute ago, StarStruck said:

For how long? I'm always socially exhausted after 1-2 hour into a date and I go into business mode

It shouldn't be exhausting at all. You should be having fun and be able to go all night long.

It sounds like you are stuck too much in your head during the date.

[Karmadhi]

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

The girl's job is to follow your lead and be girly.

If the girl is girly she will be playful and flirty instead of cool and cold. To me the girl in hand is either very shy or just not into the guy a lot. Not saying he cannot turn it around though, he can for sure.

Edited April 15, 2022 by Karmadhi

[Illusory Self]

19 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You gotta lead more and pump up her state so she's in a better mood. If you act too cool towards her she will feel cool towards you. It's your responsibility to tell jokes, stories, escalate physically, and just create a fun overall vibe. A girl is not gonna feel sexual if you treat the date like some awkward business meeting. You have to bring the vibe. Play good music, create interesting conversation, take her somewhere romantic, and start seducing her.

If your dates are too formal then it will feel awkward and she won't be aroused.

Early and consistent physical escalation is crucial.

@Leo Gura

I have a huge problem with every date I go on with this issue. Thinking about all of that seems to just put me massively inside my own head. Like internally I know I should be doing certain behaviors but it almost causes me to freeze up in the interaction because I put to much pressure on myself on how to act. 

Sometimes I will get out of my head & be myself but that really does not turn the girl on, since I speak about logical stuff but I am actually being authentic to who I am. All this personality stuff seriously confuses me. It does not feel good repressing your masculinity because of extreme fear. I think this can become a very bad self fulfilling prophecy. 

 

[Gianna]

16 hours ago, patricknotstar said:

I kinda wanted to get laid

This is why she was acting cold. 

[Gianna]

It was only the second date. You didn’t make her feel safe. Of course she is into you— she agreed to go on the date. And it’s not about “taking her somewhere nice”. It’s about, again, making her feel safe and not bringing in the “I kind of want to get laid” energy on the second date. Omg. She probably perceived you not taking her seriously which is why she acted cold, “take me seriously”. Possibly! But for sure guys try introducing sex way too early. It always fucks it up in the long run. 

Edited April 15, 2022 by Gianna

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

If the girl is girly she will be playful and flirty instead of cool and cold.

But this assumes you're leading properly. Leading is not just physical, it's also emotional. If you feel awkward and cold your girl will tend to reflect that and follow that lead.

Of course she could just not be very compatible with you. There's gotta be a somewhat natural chemistry. You're not gonna have chemistry with every girl. But ideally you should screen that out when you first meet her or at least by the end of the 1st date.

When things are going right date 2 should be like fire. Date 1 is allowed to be a little awkward.

[puporing]

Y'all should just do what Leo says. It becomes awkward when the guy is expecting the girl to make lots of "moves" (happens too often). 

Side note: I think many men (and women) need some kind of therapy/self-therapy to be truly great on dates. One of the main hurdles I run into is just guys who go on and on about themselves and put in little effort to connect. Dates are like their therapy sessions with hopefully a happy ending lol.

Edited April 15, 2022 by puporing

[NoSelfSelf]

@Gianna If guy wants sex and wants it on second date its great if shes not up to that then he should find another girl not trying to take her "seriously" only making him jump through hoops and give unecessary effort in the situation ? he leads if he wants sex and shes not up to that then on to another no playing into her games(if you noticed im biased towards male perspective ?)...

[Gianna]

@NoSelfSelf Yeah sure whatever I don’t particularly care. Just saying why she went cold.  To say it’s “playing games” depends on her level of awareness. I get the sense that this girl was just acting from her emotional state (hurt) and so she was acting ‘cold’. 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Gianna Everyone has their own "game" they are playing on another to get what they want...but i understand what you are saying didnt want my man patrick get the wrong idea....

[JonasVE12]

I wouldn't really focus on dating too much unless I was already good at cold approaching women. Once you get good at cold approaching women, you naturally build your ability to handle yourself on dates. If you can't cold approach, well, those emotions that hinder you from doing that are going to come to the surface on a date as well. The best thing to do to increase your succes in dating is to cold approach with the aim to get over your nervousness. Your energy is everything. It's all about who you are being in front of the women. And when you cold approach, and you're being unattractive, that's being reflected directly to you. Girls will ignore and reject you. Now you can work on changing that and results will show up eventually. If girls reject you in cold approach, generally, they will reject you on dates as well. 

If you are a guy who is struggling with nervousness, fear, shame and you're clueless with women, it doesn't make much sense to focus on dates. You'll fuck up your dates because your nervous system hasn't learned to relax and you're disconnected from your body. If you are not coming in contact with women frequently, one date will be a shock to your nervous system. It goes in overdrive. You become tense and escape to your head because you are too uncomfortable in your body. Now the date is just weird and you are feeling bad about it. And after the date, you keep analysing what happened, what you did wrong etc. That cycle keeps lowering your self-esteem.

Becoming good at cold approaching is what needs to happen in order to become a worthy man. Think about it. You are going on a date, but you don't even have the balls to approach a woman. And you're expecting her to fuck you? It's hard work to get to a point it becomes easy, and not many are willing to put in the work. laziness will never reward you. lazy people get nowhere in life. but once you get good at it, all your dates will become more effortless and you'll flow much more. It becomes more fun. Dates are supposed to be fun, you know. Like you're in the moment, laughing, looking in each others eyes, sharing stories, taking her to cool places, sharing personal values etc. 

You shouldn't even try to date when you're too disconnected. The girl is coming to have a good time, and your lazy ass is going to mess up her night because you didn't grow the balls yet. You don't have to be direct when cold approaching when you're starting. You can even ask the time. As long as you keep progressing in the right direction and you learn to relax your body in front of the woman, and learn to express more parts of you to her. That's the bigger picture imo. 

Edited April 15, 2022 by JonasVE12

[JonasVE12]

@Knowledge Hoarder If a guy is really insecure and can't show intent in any situation, he might become good at online dating and manage to get some dates from there - without approaching at all. And if he gets the impression the girl is receptive to him through text, that might give him the feeling he is attractive and the date might be a succes. That's how I got my first few sexual partners. So it can happen. But to be honest, talking from personal experience, you're not getting the quality of girls you want, and you're not being real. You're going to be very reactive as well. You're basically avoiding all of your shame and fear and hoping that the girl doesn't see it and you trick her into thinking you're a confident cool guy. Which you don't feel like inside. Sometimes, at the start of the date, she will already be turned off. If she gave you some validation prior to the date, maybe you'll feel better and be more attractive, and you might have a fun date. But sooner or later, you are going to fall to your baseline emotional state and she will notice subtly how you feel about yourself. Women are very good at picking up subtle emotions. Especially if she is very feminine. 

It's indeed a lot better to just approach as a daily practice because you have to become raw and vulnerable. If you can commit on approaching women for 3 months, daily, you'll be a changed person at the end. There is endless amounts of women outdoors, and every approach gets you closer to who you want to be. Approaching women is the most powerful way to confront your self-esteem issues, your fears, insecurities, sexual shame and to learn to own your desires and intent without needing approval. You're basically using mass volume of people to mirror how you feel about yourself in order to become aware, and then to change how you're feeling internally as you are being triggered with your limitations, right in front of the women. Eventually, if you work through all your resistance, all your stories, women will show up naturally in your life. It's because when you are actively working on how you feel about yourself, you let go of lots of garbage, and subsequently changing how you are affecting other people emotionally. When you walk outside, you should feel like a sexy guy who looks people in the eye and instantly generates attraction everywhere he goes. Now all of your dates are a succes because you are not contracted within your fears and doubts. You can now play with the energy inside the date, and lead it to wherever you want.

And I liked your comparison with sales. It is indeed very similar. You are communicating your wants and desires to other people which puts you in the tension of possibly being rejected. When our sales pitch gets rejected, it's nearly not as painful as being rejected by a woman. There is a lot more self-worth attached to how women are perceiving you and reacting to you. It goes deeper into your heart and triggers all the abandonment issues many guys are living with. 

[Aldrich]

@patricknotstar

On 4/15/2022 at 9:17 AM, patricknotstar said:

Went on a 2nd date and she was very cold. I was confused because if you agree to meet someone again I'd assume there's some attraction but it was just very awkward. No kiss, lay or anything. It was just in my car, could it be my fault for not taking her somewhere nice or was she just looking for attention and never into me? 

For the date we basically drove around in my car and had a beer. Looking back I should've asked her if she wanted to something to eat but idk I assume if someone's interested enough they won't care then at the end we parked and I kinda wanted to get laid but she was closed off so I didn't pursue and just dropped her back off at her place. This is the 4th date I've been on in my life, before this I would just sleep with random older women I was too insecure to approach a girl my age , so Im kinda awkward and nervous. I'd like a gf tbh, I had one girl show heavy interest she was down for everything but I didn't find her attractive so I didn't pursue anything as I think that is cruel to lead someone on. 

From my perspective it looks like she was Shit Testing you. What I mean by that is I think she was putting you in a non-ideal situation to test your worth as a man. She could be Shit Testing you either subconsciously or consciously. The solution to the Shit Test is to showcase your best masculine qualities and to show the female your awesomeness as a man. One reason females do Shit Tests is to preserve their own safety. Does she feel safe around you?

I have an idea of what I would do in that situation but I won't share my personal solution because I would want you to figure out your solution to the female shit test on your own so that you empower yourself.

I have an intuition that you're a cool guy and in normal situations you'd be just fine. The date you described is non-ideal. Once you learn your own solution to non-ideal dates like the one you narrated, you'll be capable of getting the girl of your dreams.

Edited April 16, 2022 by Aldrich

[StarStruck]

On 15-4-2022 at 5:30 PM, Leo Gura said:

The girl's job is to follow your lead and be girly.

It shouldn't be exhausting at all. You should be having fun and be able to go all night long.

It sounds like you are stuck too much in your head during the date.

If she likes you a lot she will put up with business mode for a while. Yesterday I had a date with a little older women than I usually date and it was no business mode at all. If she already likes you it helps a lot but I notice that younger girls (20-25 years old) expect a lot more vibe from me. They are more girly and expect a lead of the vibe. This is really my achilles heel right now.

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

If she likes you a lot she will put up with business mode for a while.

If she likes you a lot she will put up with pretty much anything, including physical abuse. Doesn't make it good game.