Broke up with girl & feeling confused if it was the right move. What should I do?

[Ross Labby]

Ok so about a week ago, this girl and I who have been seeing each other for like 2-3 weeks (2-3 hangouts) broke up and I've been feeling like shit about it since. It's getting better but it's still hard. In addition to us seeing each other, we have been talking for about 5 months over text and at work (which is where we met) as friends until we both told each other on the first hangout that we liked one another.

So anyway, the reason we broke up is that she brought something up about one of her exes moving away last minute without giving her notice and I thought about bringing up the fact that I plan on moving in the near future as well (maybe in like two years or so). This started an argument in which it would be hard to maintain a long-distance relationship, and she also brought up the possibility of moving with me that I was kinda hesitant to give a straight answer. Then I revealed more doubts that I've had for a while. I brought up the fact that I feel unsure about a relationship right now even though I like her. Also, I've never been in a relationship nor have I had much experience with girls. I told her I would like to be in a relationship, but I would possibly like to also see other people (which I shouldn't have brought up) in the future. She thought that I meant that I wanted an open relationship when that's not at all that I was conveying. I told her that if I was in a relationship I wouldn't see other people, but since I'm having doubts right about being in one, that's why I brought up possibly seeing other people (but I still shouldn't have brought up this part up since it gave the impression that I would see other girls at the same time). And since she wanted an answer that night, I thought about it and thought that it might be best to call it quits if I don't know for sure what I want. It wasn't easy but I thought it was the best option. And she was very mad at me.

Also since she has had lots of trauma in the past and has been screwed over many times in relationships and uses toxic ways of coping like habitual weed use, I didn't want to drag her too far along and hurt her considering my doubts and indecisiveness on the matter. I'm also a virgin, and I wanted sex but I thought that it would've led to more hurt for her if I brought up these doubts up afterwards. And then it would've really made it seem like I was just using her. Also, all we did for these hangouts was makeout, cuddle, and sleep in her bed. The one thing I disagree with her on is the fact that I thought it was early enough to bring up these doubts considering the time frame, but she said I should've made my intentions clear from the beginning before even iniating stuff like kissing, cuddling, and sleeping over. Sure maybe the cuddling and sleeping over gave the impression of wanting to be/being in a relationship (I probs shouldn't have done that part), but I still thought these were the early stages of dating and we both wanted to take things slow, but I guess we interpret that word differently. And I also feel like it's weird to say from the beginning that you want a relationship or not because isn't one of the aspects of dating seeing if your affection for someone grows and then you start talking about commitment and such? Correct me if I'm wrong.

For her, it was either two options: she wanted a relationship or not one at all. For her, she knows what she wants and for me, I feel so unsure and doubtful which is what's stressing me more than the breakup itself. Like I really enjoyed spending time with her and I like her. Even though she wasn't the hottest she was still cute and the emotional connection we had was great and we had quite a bit in common. I do miss her. Even if we were just friends again, I would absolutely be fine with that. I feel like my mind is split and it's stressful. I also believe myself to struggle with OCD (specifically Pure-O) which may be one of the reasons for the consistent doubting and overthinking in general and about this matter.

Over the past week we've texted. She initiated and wanted clarification on what I meant and it basically came down to me being honest and saying that I'm unsure about what I want. She got mad (which I don't blame her) and ended the conversation with "just fckin leave me alone man, I'm done". And we haven't texted since. Although since we work together (sometimes), it's been awkward, quiet, and tense between us. Regardless whether we start talking again or not, I believe it's best to just give her space. Or maybe should I give it time and then text her?

A part of me is really regretting saying no to this relationship and thinks that I should have just gone ahead with it. But even if I did go back into it, these doubts of mine would probably linger in her head making it harder for her to trust me. And then what if later I decided to break it off, it will just be harder for the both of us. I also thought recently that maybe what I wanted was something like a situationship or something causal, but that wouldn't fly with her. 

I've been having many questions lately. Should I just sleep with a bunch of girls and then get into a relationship? Do I want her back because what we had was special, or is it just the want of intimacy and closeness? Should I text her again? Maybe I was having a lot of these doubts because deep down I knew she wasn't right for me? Or is my OCD causing these doubts and should I get a handle on that? Should I get back with her and see where it goes? Did I make the right choice? Should I just move on? I just have so many questions and it's hard to get clear answers.

Any advice on what I should do, shouldn't have done and next steps to take would be very much appreciated and thank you for taking the time to read this! 

[something_else]

You prob made the right decision. Any doubts you have would have compounded over time, and eventually you would have begun to feel like you were trapped in the relationship. Or that there are experiences you’re missing out on

Doesn’t make it any easier, though

[brun0]

If you love something, let it go,

If it belongs to you, It'll come back

[puporing]

It's pretty common with women who had trauma and not healed this yet, and wanting safety first and foremost (ie through committment). Also a ton of conditioning around this. 

It's not your fault or her fault or anything. Just a bit of a tragic state of where humanity is at mostly right now - where most people are acting from a highly insecure place - trauma, lack of quality connections, loving presence, self-realization etc.

I'd say.. try to be gentle on her in your heart, and to your desire to explore as well.

I guess it does help to be a bit more explicit somehow from the start - saying things like: I am still exploring, not sure about a long term thing yet but seeing how it goes, but I do feel (this) way about you, I am hoping we could have a nice experience together...etc. Just being honest helps because some assume something long term right off the bat (it seems). It's better to communicate this and you're learning from this experience - than to "accidentally" get someone's hopes up and then you have to clean things up.

 

Edited April 13, 2022 by puporing

[Esilda]

@Ross Labby just learn to become a man hun and the rest will work itself out . Love.

Hint: becoming a man has nothing to do with sleeping with women. Women are just attracted to real men.

Edited April 13, 2022 by Esilda

[Ross Labby]

@something_else Yeah, that's what I was thinking a lot about. If I got too deep into it, things could've ended up worse with more hurt on both sides. And while I do feel regret in some ways in terms of not going into the relationship, I might've felt more regret if I didn't bring up these doubts sooner while continuing the relationship.

 

@puporing Yeah true. Especially considering her history of past trauma, I probably should've told her earlier that I might not be ready yet for something too serious. Yeah, it was never in my intentions to lead her on because I thought we were just waiting to see where things went, but I guess that's just my inexperience and indecisiveness.

 

@Esilda Haha, I'm a man in progress

 

@Roy Yeah true. And that's one of the reasons I brought up these doubts before sex because I knew it would lead to more hurt if I brought it up afterwards. And yeah, I think she meant that she could move with me if I move so that the relationship wouldn't be jeopardized, but it still caught me off guard and I didn't give a straight answer because that just put way too much pressure on me and it's too far ahead for sure to know. Despite it being awkward at work with her, yeah I'm trying to be as professional as I can be and I'm sure it's the same for her. Yeah, I believe not texting her and giving her space might be the best. But on the other hand, a part of me wants to text her just to tell her that I'm fine with being friends and that I enjoyed talking with her and to show her that I do care about her. But I can see where you're coming from with not texting her as this may just delay the healing process for her and may confuse and anger her even more. Also, she may not even be willing to hear "being friends" yet. It feels like a genuine reason for me to text her, but if I do text her, it would be a while before I do anyway. But maybe just cutting her off completely might be best for the both of us. And actually before her telling me to "leave her alone" I did apologize to her. Yeah, over the past few years I've been working to find my life purpose and doing small bets projects. It's coming together, but slowly. And I'm also thinking about where to move. Yeah it's probably best to have my shit together (at least a good chunk of it) when entering a relationship and to know what I want, so I have my girlfriend feeling secure.

Edited April 14, 2022 by Ross Labby