My last Journal

[Striving for more]

I say this is my last journal & ending my time here on this forum. 

• This week I've been watching Sam Ovens & Eben Pagan videos
• At first I thought "WOW Gr8 advice man, great perspective, great productivity advice, yeah ..."
• After listening to a while though ... I just started to feel sick. 
• Someone like Sam Ovens is just ... not human to me. 
• Dude, you chose to work 6 days a week, 12 hour days, for a "Consulting" business? 
• You don't Party, socialize, do hobbies, you have money but the end for you is this? 

• All people are different, but I just don't resonate with this, I want money & to escape the system, so this leads me to sometimes watching productivity videos or eben pagan or sam ovens because it's like "I'm gaining knowledge" 

 

But what do I actually want? 

I want millions in my bank account, but I don't want to be sam ovens or eben pagan. 

I don't want to be some "Business guy" who works 12 hours a day. 

I don't want to sacrifice relationships, hell I can't even keep relationships if I'm broke or unemployed

I don't want to do things I don't enjoy forever, I have to pay bills though, but there has to be a plan 

I can't just make money my end goal, but I don't wanna be the "starving artist" either. 

I have a lot interest in this life, but it's not Sam ovens. 

I can see the value in things he says though, but everytime I listen to him, even Eben Pagan, I feeling like vomiting!! 

I feel sick!! I feel so sick. EWWW. ERRRH

Is this all that self help is? 

What have I been doing the last 2.5-3 years? Just going round in circles...

Trying this thing for 6 months, then 6 months later ... I didn't really want that, this is not me ...

 

What makes me feel passion? Isn't this the ultimate productivity hack? What do I really want out of my life? 

• It's not working 12 Hour days 6 days a week for 10 years straight, "servicing & consulting clients"
• I want to make millions doing something I truly love, that is the ultimate level of ambition.  

I just don't like boring shit : 

• Enlightenment > Feel sick, just doesn't interest me, this is why this forum disgust me, that shit is a fucking hobby, I don't like it in the same way I don't enjoy playing golf & it's all fucking leo talks about, I appreciate leos videos (the ones that resonate with me) are brilliant, but I don't really trust him with my time anymore, cos every fucking video he throws enlightenment in spirtulaity in ... Look please leo dedicate separate videos or at least sections of the video to that, because u throw it in in videos like "Life advice for young people" U give good adivce, but then I have to keep skipping the video cos you're now talking about god for 20 minutes, fuck you. 
• (sorry long rant) 
• Spiral dynamics 
• Politics 
• Mainstream "Business" (I think I do want to be an "entrepeneur", but I've realized most "business" is fucking lame, it's men sitting on their laptop 12 hours a day "consulting to clients about their business" or doing spreadsheets or some shit)

Shit I like that I want to make millions & billions of dollars doing, that I could make a business out of, it doesn't have to be 1 of these things, it could be combining them even, or I could create my own category 

• People (yes argumentative, neurotic & aggressive shadow, but ultimately I do love people very much, I love talking to, helping people, Ihaving fun with others, I love laughing & being silly with people, I love competing with others - via sports, games, challenges)
• Hot or Feminine women > Not much to say here, yes I enjoy practicing pickup, but it's not just sex ... There's something about a fun, playful feminine woman, especially groups of them ... my ultimate goal of pickup is not merely to have sex with women, that's like the pudding. Having a huge variety of friends, being popular, having social variety & options ... I dream of this shit, this isn't shallow, the opposite u retard, enlightenment loner fucking retard fuck you kill yourself. 
• Travel & adventure 
• Exploring different cultures ect..
• Plants, nature, forests, gardens, trees, animals, natural art, colours ... This is the only thing I resonate with "spiritual communities", I have always appreciated this shit to the moon & I don't need DMT to do that. 
• Music ( I wanna play piano but I DON'T want a life purpose out of it, I wanna play it 20-40 minutes a day max
• Sports (nothing likely I'll make a life purpose out of)
• Extreme Sports (Motorbike, fast cars, Skiing, Martial Arts sparring, Go karting)  (Fucking love this shit a lot, nothing to make life purpose out of UNLESS I am like a "Lifestyle blogger" or my life purpose is Lifestyle design, Maybe .. 
• Partying & socialising : I struggle with social skills, but I love this shit. People lack fucking imagination, it's like "I'm a businessman therefore I don't enjoy life" "stop partying & horsing around!"
• This is so fucking bizarre to me man, what about balance firstly? 
• I do have 1 issue with partying though, Is that I also enjoy being healthy, I don't think these need to be mutually exclusive. 
• In fact in my opinion the idea that you need large amounts of alcohol or cocaine in order to party & have fun is a total fucking corruption, just like restrictive sexist Islam & Allah, total corruption. 
• The mere fact someone always needs alcohol in order to party is basically that they can't enjoy & appreciate life for what it is. I mean come on bro people been slaves for thousands of years & u only just won the sperm battle, & u aren't able to celebrate? wtf 
•  

 

• ... I could make a business about social skills .... But I gotta get creative man, I'm not naive thiking I'll be the next RSD & I don't wanna be that anyway, I don't wanna copy others. 
• The problem also is .. I have such an endlessly curious eclectic mind, I just LOVE VARIETY & NOVELTY, I love it sooo fucking much ... I don't think people understand but how much someone can enjoy this is highly temperamental & dependent on the individual. 
• I lovee constantly meeting new people, new women, new cities, new parties everything, new new new new new. So I know that for sure. 

Going back to my "Problem" : 

• So on the 1 hand I respect owen & julian & they have done some great work that I find very valuable ... 
• On the other hand ... I feel like I'm starting to get their messages & ready to hang up the phone mostly
• Do they not just keep teaching the same fucking shit? Isn't this just mental laziness 
• You see I don't understand this because I have such a fucking ultra creative hollistic mind that is literally impossible for me to keep doing the same shit 
• Wait ... haha there goes arrogance, ok that's a lie, I do fall into this trap too i'm not immune to it. 
• Look at how I write, Look at how I fucking think, do you see structure in this? 
• How could I make a million dollars & enjoy the process? 
• Well I'd have to do something I love that I'm good at & present it in a valuable way
• I'd have to make up for my weakness via partners, social alliances or "mastermind group" 
• THese would be people who resonate with me, similar enough that we can connect & similar lifestyle goals, yet different in certain ways that he covers my weakness 

 

Let's go back to the core thread, what Am I tryna say here? 

• I'm just so bored of everything & everyone, I'm at the age now where I think it is so fucking important to know what I want & who I am, I sort of do already, but I sort of keep forgetting, because I have to pay the bills ... Because I'm not using my imagination enough, because of limitng beliefs about being able to survive & do something I enjoy
• I shouldn't have masturbated yesterday, fucked up my brain at the momeent. all these fucking freaks on this forum tell you it's healthy, it's not fucking healthy to masturbate a lot. 
• I don't feel good inside right now, mid life crises again. 

WHAT AM I TRYNA SAY, WHAT IS THE ULTIMATE CONLUSION 

• I enjoy being a "jack of all trades", I need constant variety & novelty, does this really have to be a problem? Isn't that just a dogmatic myth now? Why do I have to master one thing? why can't I master multiple things? 
• Travel & lifestyle design, novelty adventure freedom, vibrant social life, social skills networking, finacial legal freedom & power, multi - cultured man, bilingual, fashion (not shallow fuck you nerd I love fashion, ultra creative artistic, I love the feel aesthetics videography how it blends with all that photoshoots texture & everything about it) 
• This is it, this is the ultimate shit for me, all the topics come together & they don't compete for each others bandwidth, they add ot each other
• Travel, lifestyle, pickup, social skills, marketing & perusasion, financial freedom, netoworking, connecitons, legal freedom & power, nature & art (fits into travel & lifestyle), content creation & sharing beauty (again fits in) 
• This is it, I'm gonna make millions & millions doing this, I'm gonna love the shit out of it, I won't love every seconds because no one does, but I will love every second of it more than any other possible option, it will be the highest realistic percentage of "sunshine & rainbows", the highest possible amount of joy & success will come. 
• It won't come over night, this can be my macro vision, right now my life "sucks" (it doesn't really suck) it's just a normal life like everyone's elses shitty life, Im not rich right now, I've painted myself into a corner, but this "corner" is largely psychological ... I have the tools resources & intellgence to solve my problems, but I have recurrent psychological demons eating my energy away, find light in the darkness Mr Wayne, resort to love not hate, love of oneself & the world, focus on what I want, not what I don't want, Law of attraction mr wayne. Mr wayne not mr "Pain. 

1. Be a "Lifestyle guy", yes this is vague I gotta start somewhere 
2. Create a business that solves the problems of loneliness, Isolation ect.. > This could be a logistical type business, an app ect.. (the ones that currently exist are mediocre as fuck) hmmm do I even want to write this here? (WHAT IF SOMEONE ELSE GETS THE IDEA, SOMEONE SMARTER NOO!)... I think I won't add any more details 

Why the fuck am I sharing this on this forum? It's like an old habit I can't get rid of, I should just write this in private, but I can't sotp I'm fucking addicted to this digital attention thing, even though no one cares

Edited April 12, 2022 by Striving for more

[RendHeaven]

50 minutes ago, Striving for more said:

I dream of this shit, this isn't shallow, the opposite u retard, enlightenment loner fucking retard fuck you kill yourself. 

Yikes lmao

50 minutes ago, Striving for more said:

but then I have to keep skipping the video cos you're now talking about god for 20 minutes, fuck you. 

That's your immaturity on full display right there. God is all you've ever wanted but you pretend otherwise...

51 minutes ago, Striving for more said:

• Do they not just keep teaching the same fucking shit? Isn't this just mental laziness

I've thought this for 5 years now. Glad I'm not the only one

54 minutes ago, Striving for more said:

Create a business that solves the problems of loneliness, Isolation ect..

Start NOW. Otherwise I'm gonna take over and dominate this niche 

You got this, stay strong.

[Striving for more]

Quote

Do they not just keep teaching the same fucking shit? Isn't this just mental laziness

@RendHeaven To be fair... this comment was not entirely justified. 

I have gained a lot of value from them & they still release high quality content sometimes, I just noticed this mechanism occur after watching them a lot, but I wouldn't say that it's constant, I still have stuff I can learn or gain from them, but also many videos I will skip, because it's like "oop there goes Julian talking about the same concept again", so I'd say maybe it happens 50-75% of the time, but they still do produce new value I think. 

... I have to pay my respect to them, I think that comment was too extreme. 

[Striving for more]

I am sorry god, I was mistaken for swearing at leo here ... this is not fair. 

Me and leo have different interests & prioritees. Some of his videos & ideas help me a lot, others are a waste of my time. 

Take the good, leave the bad ... He has still helped me in numerous ways.

I can disagree with him & think many of his ideas are stupid af, but many are also brilliant & life chaning. 

Sorry god for my lack of gratitude & negative energy. 

Spread positive energy to the world, be your own person, no need to judge others 

I do me, he do he, you do you, we do we ... live & let live, live & let be. 

Nicholas Cage raped me at 10 years old. 

Edited April 23, 2022 by Striving for more