How to build a quality social circle / friend circle?

[Kshantivadin]

I want to have amazing friends.

I want to have an amazing social life as well.

This might actually be one of the most important things in life for me. I've had a great friend in my life - and it was amazing. I spent some of the best moments of my life with him. Now, imagine multiple AMAZING friends. Imagine a rich social network.

I want to make a blueprint on how to go about this. I don't want a mediocre social life and mediocre relationships most people settle down for. It seems I have to be strategic about this if I want good results.

Now, going about this is complex. I've been contemplating the topic already and this is what I came up with:

• Stage 0 would be working on:
  • social skills, the mental aspect, and structuring my life in such a way that facilitates socialising (logistics, tweaking my day so as to be in "state" most of the time
  • mastering small-talk, observational statements, endless conversations
  • optimising looks and energy
    • Stage 0 is a prerequisite, but only to a certain point, from there on it's a constant process while working on the later stages.
• Stage 1: meeting people
  • defining what people I want in my life, and how does one meet them
  • making a concerted effort to put myself out there - in situations where i can attract those people
  • having quality interactions (!) (that result in deep, intimate, joyful and enjoyable connections and people wanting me to be their friend)
  • finding a way to efficiently screen people
  • finding a way to effectively network

My socialising up until now looked like this: I do meet people as I am a pretty social and outgoing guy, but most interactions don't go deeper, even with the people whom I want to be friends with and they feel the same. Too many distractions

• Stage 2: converting acquaintances into friends
  • ???
  • definitely the hardest part I need to contemplate this more
  • One thing I've noticed is that time spent together is a good predictor of relationships growing deeper.
  • Important: providing value is probably one of the most important things
    • here's where general personal development comes into play, but also being a leader, being proactive, being charismatic, becoming "the life of the party", and giving, giving, giving
• Stage 3: Differentiating between my "tribe" and a "social circle"
  • Tribe being a tight-knit circle of best friends, and a social circle being anyone I can hit up to invite somewhere without it being weird (maybe I should expand the definition to include people I know and are receptive to me).
  • A tribe probably requires way more effort to build up
    • it is also pretty easy to fall out with acquaintances though, seeing how fragile the connections are in the first place
    • maybe I should ditch the "amassing acquaintances" part and just focus on high-quality friendships and making myself be such a person that people would die to be friends with - that way, the acquaintances come themselves
• Stage 4: Putting it into action
  • after a certain point, it would snowball

 

TL;DR I was contemplating how does one have an amazing friend circle and an amazing social life so I contemplated the what's and how's.

I would greatly appreciate your input on this topic and what is something you think I missed, if there is something you disagree with, and general advice regarding the endeavour. Let me know if there are any resources on how to go about this. I will be adding more things as I think about the topic further. Thank you very much and I hope you're having a great day.

[something_else]

8 minutes ago, Kshantivadin said:

Stage 2: converting acquaintances into friends

Yea this is such a hard step. I've made so many acquaintances in the past year but actually converting them into deeper friendships is super hard. Some people seem to be able to do this super easily and I envy the crap out of them lol

In terms of meeting lots of new people I find that pretty easy. Just fill up your week nights with activities/hobbies if you work a 9-5 and go party at the weekends. It gets you into the routine of meeting new people frequently and as a plus it keeps your mind busy

[aurum]

@Kshantivadin Looks like a good general outline to me.

One thing I’ll add is that building solid friendships requires Win/Win scenarios. It’s not enough that you just provide value to them or they just provide value to you. Both those configurations are unstable and won’t last long-tern. 

Really you need to both be adding value to each other.

And value is of course very subject. Intimacy could be considered a form of value. Good conversation could be value. Business contacts could be value. Anything you care about is value.

So I would define what needs you are looking to be fulfilled. And then when you meet people, look for ways they might meet one or more of your needs.

It’s okay for one person to not be all things to you and not meet all your needs. They don’t need to be your best friend and your party buddy and your business partner and your lover and and and…

Ticking just one box can potentially be enough. “This is the person I talk to when I have a bad day” or “this is the person I talk about consciousness with” or “this is the guy I party with”. Doing that takes the pressure off of people having to be perfect in order for them to be in your life. And it increases the optionality you have for meeting your needs.

In my experience, the more each party values the needs being met, the stronger the friendship. It really just becomes obvious that you should spend time together.

From there, maintaining your social circle is like being a gardner. If you just grow a bunch a plants but then don’t tend to them on a regular basis, they eventually die. That’s also your friendships. And some plants need more regular tending to than others. But the key is seeing these relationships are alive, evolving entities, rather than just static, fixed things.

[Preety_India]

I agree with what the above user says. It's not simply about finding the right fit for a person. It's also maintaining that friendship.

I actually found a good social circle like a year ago. Sadly now they don't even have time to talk. 

Sometimes when people get too used to one another, they begin ignoring each other. Sad but true.

 

[Kshantivadin]

@aurum  Thank you

How do you think I can make friends with people who already have their needs met, or are way higher in "value" than I currently am? It seems to me that people who stick as friends are either similar to me, or lower in most areas of development.

A good example to think about are people who are "popular" or famous in any respect, no matter how big or small. It seems to me you have to be somewhere around them to grab their attention. I lack better words to describe this.

[somegirl]

@Kshantivadin Set your intention. Write down your wish. Or daydream how it feels like when you have such social life. Keep high frequency most of the time. And let go.

Friends have always come into my life without me forcing them. In every stage of my life. It's effortless.

When you don't need something to happen, it happens. 

Edit: Be fine even if it never happens. Be like "I'm fine whatever happens, I am happy no matter what".

Edited April 12, 2022 by somegirl

[something_else]

3 hours ago, Kshantivadin said:

A good example to think about are people who are "popular" or famous in any respect, no matter how big or small. It seems to me you have to be somewhere around them to grab their attention. I lack better words to describe this.

I remember watching a Charisma on Command video about this, where his advice was essentially to ask extremely high quality questions to people who are 'above' you for lack of a better term. 

He used the 'Hot Ones' interview channel on YT as an example of this. The presenter is known for asking particularly high quality questions of guests.

The gist of it IIRC is that by asking high quality questions you give the person you perceive as above you a chance to express themselves deeply in ways that they usually can't

I don't know how well that would translate into day to day life outside of an interview situation but I thought it was an interesting perspective nonetheless. I might be entirely misremembering the video but feel free to go looking for it lol

[Kshantivadin]

4 minutes ago, something_else said:

I remember watching a Charisma on Command video about this, where his advice was essentially to ask extremely high quality questions to people who are 'above' you for lack of a better term. 

He used the 'Hot Ones' interview channel on YT as an example of this. The presenter is known for asking particularly high quality questions of guests.

The gist of it IIRC is that by asking high quality questions you give the person you perceive as above you a chance to express themselves deeply in ways that they usually can't

I don't know how well that would translate into day to day life outside of an interview situation but I thought it was an interesting perspective nonetheless. I might be entirely misremembering the video but feel free to go looking for it lol

Interesting. Thank you for sharing. Sounds legit.

[NoSelfSelf]

Where i would look for that is from rsd luke he specialize social circle didnt study his stuff but im sure its a great place to get the info...

[aurum]

9 hours ago, Kshantivadin said:

How do you think I can make friends with people who already have their needs met

No one has all their needs met.

9 hours ago, Kshantivadin said:

are way higher in "value" than I currently am? It seems to me that people who stick as friends are either similar to me, or lower in most areas of development.

That’s correct.

You network with people near to you in terms of development and build together.

Generally you will not be able to meet or network with people who are extremely wealthy or famous. And if you try to hack your way up the social ladder, you’ll generally not see much results. Some people may even exploit that desire.

There are exceptions. One of my friends throws these crazy mastermind dinners with very successful people in Miami. I’ve been to one of these dinners, and I was easily the least objectively successful person there. But I still got to meet everyone, explain to people what I do and got some cool connections out of it. So sometimes you get can opportunities like that.

But generally what I would recommend is to work on building something real and of value. That could be a skill, a business, a social media following, whatever. It’s a bit of a chicken-or-the-egg scenario, because obviously it can be challenging to do this if you have no connections or resources. So go slow. Eventually it starts to snowball.

The more value you offer, the more people want to associate with you, the more opportunities you get, the more value you can bring.

So network as much as you can. But also, build the foundation and work up from there over time. It might take years. But the more you build that snowball, the more momentum it gets.

[Kshantivadin]

@NoSelfSelf thx

I also found a couple of vids, will link them later if anyone is interested in the same topic.

[soos_mite_ah]

SD aside, I feel like building a quality social circle has to do with making yourself into a quality person, sharing that with people, and then keeping the people you resonate with around. Personally, I am a firm believer that in many cases, messy people tend to attract messy people because messy people don't have standards for themselves or other people and are willing to go whereever they are tolerated.

If you have firm boundaries, a sense of purpose, and are consistently working on yourself to become more self aware, messy people like that simply won't stick around or if you do encounter them, you simply won't resonate or click with them. I know a lot of messy people in my life. I don't particularly dislike them or anything from the get go nor did I pick up on really bad vibes, but we never clicked in that way so as a result, I never got caught up in their drama and shenanigans. 

I mean, just think about the way you relate to people, what you talk to them about, how you go about talking about different things, and the overall dynamics you find yourself if. I would say working on those things and reflecting on that would be a good place to start because that's how a lot of people tend to exuberate their values and show people where they are at. Other than that, I would also suggest having and open mind and talking to a variety of different people. Let's be real, you're probably not going to hit it off with like 90% of them regardless of where you may be mentally but you don't need to please everyone. Just find the handful of people you click with, nurture those relationships, and next thing you know, BAM you have a quality social circle. 

To make that social circle into a group of friends. I cannot stress this enough but both of yall need to be consistent in making plans with each other so yall can get to know each other and deepen the bond. Unless you're still in school, this is going to be something that can make or break you since people have busy lives and conflicting schedules. Prioritize people in your life and prioritize maintaining relationships. And in many cases, I quite literally mean schedule out time for this type of thing. 

Edited April 13, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[Kshantivadin]

@soos_mite_ah thank you!

I think the main part for me is following up on things and being more proactive. My spiritual practice made me enjoy whatever outcome too much so I don't do the small extra push needed to turn something into reality - that's why I think setting this intention is going to make it work. I've already had some good results last night