Self-actualization Anxiety

[Alicja_]

Hi all. 

I have a dilemma, concerning the self-actualization process, please, advise.

I used to have a really rough life, recovered from it, and finally experienced  calm, acceptance, self-love which I didn't even know was attainable for me before. Nowadays, on daily basis, I spend around 6 hours in total on meditation, reading, learning, contemplation, life purpose work, etc. My lifestyle is very simple, routinized, perhaps, some would say boring. My main aim is to develop the ability to get in touch with my intuition, find a life purpose, create minimalistic lifestyle, and at the same time cut off from as many distractions as possible for me right now.

Now, I don't really engage that much into bringing a lot of value to the world. I'm still to a significant extent focused on my own needs and goals, which are mainly targeted at my own well-being rather than at making improvements to the outside world. I work just few hours daily, earn minimum to sustain my life, and spend the rest of the day on  self-actualization work, meditation, learning, doing life purpose course, or other things which seem important to me right now. I don't socialize, I'm almost totally withdrawn socially.

And I feel somehow guilty and scared. Guilty about doing so much of  self-actualization work, rather than, I don't know,  forcing myself to work and earn more, providing more of any  value, spending more time with my growing nieces, etc. But at the same time, I know that these things  used to drain me so much, that's why I cut off from them. I do a lot of inner work now. Work with my subconscious. I do a lotta "purification". And I'm kinda scared now and have thoughts that it's all wrong. That I lost my way and perhaps should just stop it, go back and force myself to be more contributing, experience the world, even though I really hate this idea. I feel guilty about being so focused on myself.

I chose to develop, create my life purpose first and redesign my life to synchronize it with my values. I feel that only then I could  truely contribute to the world, extend my comfrot zones to the farthest extent and got more in touch with my intuition, higher self. Or am I just fooling myself? Am I doing this right or wrong?

I don't know if my way of thinking makes any sense. I do feel a bit lost. 

 

[poimandres]

Sounds like you are on a good path from my perspective, I don't the know every detail of your life. There should be balance in your life, can't be a hermit all the time, so just be sure you aren't neglecting your family ties or duties. Also, I would suggest socializing a little more. Maybe not every weekend or every day, but at least a few times a month.

Don't feel guilty for not contributing to the world. It will survive. Keep focusing on yourself, it takes tons of energy to provide value to other people, but if your gas tank is empty, you wouldn't be able to provide quality work. Take care of self first, get your mind in the right frame first before proving to the world. Come back when you are ready, it will be there. Don't feel guilty.

Edited January 25, 2017 by poimandres

[Principium Nexus]

@Alicja_  Never feel guilty for pursuing your life goals like the things you do. The best way to learn if your actualization is making you better is by sharing, talking and socializing. Socializing is like looking into a mirror and you will find the things you can improve on. Maybe you can search friends who also like to talk about this, watch movies and have similar interests of self-actualization. Making it a shared process will directly make it a purpose that helps both you, people around you and you learn many new different perspectives.

[ajasatya]

@Alicja_ it may seem like you're doing all this for yourself but consciousness expansion affects everyone on this planet at the same time.

this fear you have is another phase of your purification. it's another breakthrough point in which you need to be free from old conditioning. we need to have the courage to do it for the better of the world. nobody else will. embrace your responsibility.

Edited January 25, 2017 by ajasatya

[Swede]

Trust that by time you will get a vision of your future contribution.

[faith]

Think about a monk living in Tibet in a temple. All day he does what you'd expect a monk in Tibet in a temple would do. 

Think of yourself now. You and him are not very different. You are a monk too. Only your temple is your house, your work (inner and outer), your community, your family, your country, your mind, everything that you can possibly imagine yourself to be in relationship with. That's your temple. Now just do what you'd expect a monk in your temple would do. 

[Shin]

It's your ego talking shit to you, trying to get you to stop growing, don't take it seriously and keep going

[Bodhi123]

@Alicja_ Just look at it this way... the more you work on yourself now, the more value you'll be able to bring to the world and others in the future

[Alicja_]

Many thanks for all the golden thoughts.  I had to get it out of my head and your reflections have  broaden my perspective. 

@poimandres @Principium Nexus @ajasatya @Swede @ashashlov @Shin @Bodhi123 @blazed

I'm aware that  expanding consciousness, developing deeper appreciation of life, getting fulfillment, etc.  is a very long and at times very challenging process.

And since I don't know many people in real life who do love self-actualization, I'm grateful for this forum.

 @Principium Nexus About sharing and socializing, it's not easy to share these things with people, as most of them insinuate that I'm weird and wasting my life.  What they usually suggest is - get laid once a week, enjoy your life more, do your nails, have a baby, etc.  Anyways, I know there must be people out there who may share same interest as I do, and perhaps, I will work on my relationships a bit more in the future. 

Have a nice day!

Edited January 26, 2017 by Alicja_

[jse]

Alicja, pausing your journey to take stock of your direction is a natural process in this pilgrimage we call life.  And just like with any physical journey, it is often more beneficial to survey the path ahead from a higher rather than lower perspective.  In other words, take care not to derail your path by basing pivotal life decisions during difficult moments.

 

13 hours ago, Alicja_ said:

Now, I don't really engage that much into bringing a lot of value to the world.

I chose to develop, create my life purpose first and redesign my life to synchronize it with my values. I feel that only then I could  truely contribute to the world...

Your contribution to this forum is of great value, whether it is openly recognized or not.  Your insightful posts are touching the lives of many, and this has an unavoidable knock-on effect on our world.  It's that difficult journey that you so willingly share with us, that is so valuable to the world, not your eventual destination.

And I understand your concern - no rational being wants to become that reclusive monk in the forest cave, or that strange aunt whose family hardly knows or understands.  Bring what you learn into the "outside" physical world, and not just to this forum.  Make the world the practicing playground of your wisdom and self- knowledge.  Share your journey with the world.