(on growth)

[Barbella]

 I've been thinking for days that I should start my journal. So here it is.

some things I want to work on:

• I need to start meditating daily. And I need to be consistent this time. I haven't been meditating in a while and I will start with 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes before sleep... which is not a lot but I think it's good for now 
• I need to be more in touch with my intuition. I've been ignoring it for a while. I should read some books about intuition/and or watch some videos about it. I need to re-watch Leo's video on that topic.
• I need to be more honest with myself. 
• I should start going for conscious walks by the river. The river is so close by and I haven't been appreciating it. The parks near the river are beautiful as well 
• I need to stop procrastinating and get the work done. My main goal for the next 30 days is going to be that Russian literature exam I've been procrastinating. 
• maybe... work on my social anxiety? What I realized lately is that my social anxiety has been greatly connected to my not-so-high self-esteem. I think I don't lack social skills I just lack self-confidence and self-love.
• also I've been confused about my relationship lately. I need to contemplate that (as if I haven't for days now?!). sometimes I relate to Masha from Chekhov's play Three sisters... I think deep inside I know what I need to do, but I'm too weak, and the last two days were too good. (this is connected to my intuition and self-honesty) 
• I need to read more about femininity. I want to learn about my feminine side and be more aware of it/in touch with it.
• I don't think I've ever felt more anxious than in the last couple of months. I developed sleep anxiety in October and sometimes it still creeps on me (it's good now in comparison to how it was). Luckily I have magnesium glycinate  I miss the mental state I had two years ago. 
• my room gets messy when I have upcoming tests/exams. I need to make sure my room is always 100% clean.

I think that's about it. (for now)

[RendHeaven]

Starting to share something personal publicly is always the weirdest feeling.

I've always kept quiet about my personal life - pretty much forever. I've never had a social media account.

I still remember opening my journal on here back in 2020. My girlfriend at the time dumped me and basically I was crying out for help. That's an obviously "weak" move, but nobody called me out on that. The word has our back, after all.

Good luck

[Barbella]

On 4/11/2022 at 1:35 AM, RendHeaven said:

Starting to share something personal publicly is always the weirdest feeling.

I've always kept quiet about my personal life - pretty much forever. I've never had a social media account.

I still remember opening my journal on here back in 2020. My girlfriend at the time dumped me and basically I was crying out for help. That's an obviously "weak" move, but nobody called me out on that. The word has our back, after all.

Good luck

Thank you!

I actually don't mind being on social media - but I guess I've never been raw and honest. So that's the scary part.

That's a great move, I'm glad you had the courage to start a journal 

[Barbella]

Something I'd like to add:

I've been meditating & my room is clean and pretty. I also love when my room smells nice.

Yesterday I was feeling ungrateful - living in a dormitory is sometimes tough and I miss having a washing machine, a fridge, a sink, a stove etc. Washing my clothes is such a hassle - but that's such a stupid thing and I shouldn't let that affect my mood. I need to be more grateful.

I also want to focus on my life purpose after my exams in June. I need to watch Leo's LP course.

I have difficulty saying NO. I'm in such a period in my life where I really have to focus on my exams but I also really want to be social. 

Edited April 12, 2022 by Barbella

[Barbella]

Maybe it's about time to write an update on my life. 

I was meditating almost every day (I missed 2 days I think?).. Not great but not bad. I've been meditating before sleep which is not ideal - usually, I'm very sleepy and I'm not able to concentrate. My problem is that I have so much to do during the day that I think of meditation as ''wasting time'' and ''doing nothing'' and I should ''do something useful''.. My whole mindset on meditation is fucked up. I need to work on that. I don't even want to check the time I spend on Instagram.. it's probably more than 2 hours a day.

Speaking of Instagram - I've found an awesome girl who does ''dance of Bereginyas''. Bereginya is a goddess in Slavic mythology. I find it interesting. Firstly - I've discovered that dance is a great way of expressing and being in touch with my femininity. I love the way she dances. And the music to which she dances. She inspired me to start doing it myself.

Although I don't have a nationality, there's something special about connecting to ancestors. And I'm not just talking to my ancestors - but to all people who once lived and represented different cultures. I've started to listen to folk music again - it makes me feel something different. 

My sacral chakra is out of alignment and I need to read more about chakras. That is going to be my goal for the next period.

 

I've been feeling really overwhelmed for the last couple of days... I was trying to balance my university work, social life, relationship and gym - and I've lost myself in it. I actually got sick. I think it's because of that overwhelmed feeling. It came to a point where I couldn't stand anything or anyone. I just wanted to be left alone but I had to attend my classes.  I sometimes have periods where I have those overwhelming feelings, and I usually isolate myself for 15 days or so. But I couldn't afford it this time and it was really difficult - way too much stimulation for my brain. Classes are so loud. I was supposed to have a presentation and I thought I could do it, but I actually just told my professor I couldn't do it and I left. Which was really weird... I actually left the class and started crying. I'm not really sure why I couldn't control my feelings.

 

My room hasn't been 100% tidy. And I also had sleep anxiety for 2 days straight which was really bad... But not bad as it used to be.

I'm actually really good?! like I'm not sad.. just overwhelmed. When I'm by myself I'm great. Also, I've been nice to myself for the last couple of days - I've allowed myself to watch The office and I kinda feel recharged now.

 

I haven't been in touch with my intuition. I've been ignoring it. I know that I should break up with my bf, but he's being way too nice to me and I can't do it... Deep inside I know I should break up, but he hasn't done anything bad to me, he is so understanding and gentle to me that I don't know if I can do it now. He also really deserves someone who wouldn't be unsure about him. 

I think I've outgrown this relationship. And I need to move on. Meet different people. I'm not being honest with myself by staying in this relationship. But today he came to my house just to give me the snacks he bought for me and for my dogs and cats. How can I break his heart?
I actually think I have unrealistic standards when it comes to relationships. I have a guy pictured in my head and if a person in real life doesn't correspond to that image I become disappointed. Not healthy at all.

[Barbella]

I haven't been active on here.. I generally don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to write a journal. 

I haven't been meditating every day and I feel really bad about it. The whole point of this journal was to make me meditate every day.

I watched a lot of videos on the topic of Bereginyas, and for the first time in my life (not really but) I'm very happy that I speak Russian. It's been useful lately. I watched a girl who first started the practice of Bereginyas online and I absolutely fell in love with it. It's so much more complex than I thought. I want to buy a few courses from her and start practicing it. It's sort of like yoga for Slavic women.

I've been really happy lately except today. I don't know why. I feel like my hormones are fucked up and I'm either really happy or really sad.

I'm also so fed up with my literature exam. If I don't pass it next week I'm gonna go crazy. It's that bad.

My whole life has been on pause because of my exam. Today is a Saturday night and I thought ''I don't want to go anywhere tonight because I should study''... Well I stayed at home but I didn't study because it's Saturday and I couldn't focus. Bad decision. 
 
I'm actually in a mood to party and kinda get tipsy. And forget about my problems. I'm gonna do that maybe not next week because I'm going home, but the week after that for sure. I know it's a low conscious activity but I need to do that sometimes. I think I'm being way too serious in life and I never have those stupid and young moments. I had a lot of those moments in high school, but for the last couple of years I've been way too serious.

Edited May 7, 2022 by Barbella

[Barbella]

I know I'm not old but I feel as if I'm too old. I'm turning 23 next month and it scares me a lot.

I used to be an entrepreneur when I was in high school. Kinda. I did what I loved and I was able to buy myself whatever I wanted. And soon I'll be graduating from college and to be honest college killed my creativity. All I know now is how to be a labor worker. I forgot what it's like to critically think. To do what I love. For the last 4 years, I've been learning what I've been told to learn and it's going to be difficult to move from that. 

I have SOO much I want to do after graduating I don't know where to start. 

This journal started as my ''to-do list'' and turned to be me ranting about my life. 

[Barbella]

Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage:
Minds innocent and quiet take
That for an hermitage.
If I have freedom in my love,
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone, that soar above,
Enjoy such liberty.

- Richard Lovelace

[Barbella]

My mental health needs to be my priority.

I've been neglecting my mental health for a while and I can't take it anymore - I've decided I want to change a lot of things in my life.

I want to stop being responsible. I need to be irresponsible for a while.

My exams make me anxious and my anxiety doesn't let me sleep. I have insomnia.

I've decided that I don't care anymore. Whatever happens, happens.

[Barbella]

I thought I would enjoy my summer but I have two exams left and I need to focus on those.
 

I wanted to take a course on Bereginyas (Slavic yoga for women) but I guess that can wait.  

[Barbella]

For the past year I've been dealing with anxiety that comes at night and doesn't let me sleep. I either can't fall asleep the whole night or I wake up too early. I thought it has affected me negatively as I couldn't function at my best when I don't sleep well.

The reason I have anxiety is my university (for now). I was afraid that my anxiety will come every time I have something stressful in my life (and it probably will).

Something important I've realized last night is that I have to fully accept my anxiety. It's a part of me now. I need to learn to love it. Accept it. Hug it. Be gentle to myself about it. I don't have to go to the gym that day and I don't have to be productive as much - but I can. It's more difficult but I can be productive as much with my anxiety. And it will go away eventually. Maybe not tomorrow but someday it will. I need to learn to function with my anxiety.

Only when I fully accepted it, it went away. 

I can't wait for my yoga lessons next month. 

 

I don't know what I'm going to do after my graduation, but I hope Leo's course will help me figure that out.

Edited September 4, 2022 by Barbella

[Barbella]

I don't care if I sleep or not. 

I am able to function without sleep.

Life is beautiful nonetheless.

 

 

I don't care what time it is or how many hours will I sleep or not.

Whatever happens. It's ok.

 

 

[Barbella]

Crazy how things change. I've read some of my old posts and I can't relate to some of my opinions back then.

Except that my anxiety is still here. lol

But it's ok she's welcome to stay <3