Unable to get laid - can't take it anymore

[Kid A]

49 minutes ago, RMQualtrough said:

Do you even want them tbh. Or do you just want sexual release... You probably don't even really enjoy getting close to people, if you genuinely wanted to be close with people you'd have friends and relationships... Probably you legit push people away on purpose - like your mind when you go on dates, you don't actually wanna become intimate with the person.

Yes, I do. I’ve been living in solitude mostly because I got ditched by the friends who I actually liked, and the rest of my friends are the absolute worst. Now they don’t like me much either, mostly because I’m into personal development and pickup I think.

I never had much sexual desire until last autumn. I’ve always been way more into hugs and kisses. After I got my first (August) and second (January) kiss, all my suffering went out the window and I was in heaven the next day. Unfortunately, since I’m so inexperienced, the kisses were dealbreakers with both girls and I got turned down by both. During my third kiss (last week) I was so nervous that I would fuck it up again, so it didn’t give me that much pleasure, but I got a second date with her next week, so that’s good!

[kag101]

6 hours ago, Kid A said:

I got ditched by the friends who I actually liked

did they ditch you because of your obsession with PD/pick up?

[Kid A]

5 hours ago, kag101 said:

did they ditch you because of your obsession with PD/pick up?

No. I actually have no clue why.

[Kid A]

On 13.4.2022 at 2:16 PM, something_else said:

If you got 40 dates in half a year you're doing something right and you have zero reason to be hopeless.

However you're also doing something catastrophically wrong if you've gone on 40 dates and they've gone nowhere. Frankly I have no idea how you could manage to go on 40 dates and not get laid on even 1 of them.... It seems like you'd actually have to actively try not to get laid in 1 out of 40 dates...

If a girl goes on a date with you it means she'd be willing to fuck you. Have you ever even tried to lead a girl to have sex on any of your dates? Women want to have sex. Women enjoy sex too. Women enjoy playful sexual conversation and flirting. Women enjoy it when you escalate. You shouldn't be scared of these things. But frankly the only reason I can think of that you haven't got laid out of 40 dates is that you're not even trying to have sex with the girl

I'm being aggressive here, but frankly I think the way I'm wording this should convey that there is probably a very small change you could make that would start to get you results because you already have the exposure to girls and that's 90% of the difficulty done. The next date you go on just try and escalate no matter what

Been on 4 new dates, and I've been escalating much more. It only seems to make things worse. I even asked one of them what I'm doing wrong at the end and she primarily criticized me for touching her on a first date... Could it be that they find my really small hands creepy to be touched by? I'm not that short, but my hands are like a child's. 

[Tudo]

4 hours ago, Kid A said:

Been on 4 new dates, and I've been escalating much more. It only seems to make things worse. I even asked one of them what I'm doing wrong at the end and she primarily criticized me for touching her on a first date... Could it be that they find my really small hands creepy to be touched by? I'm not that short, but my hands are like a child's. 

Maybe the way you are trying to touch them is kind of creepy. Try to be more direct about the touching and the kissing part. Not being direct and clear sometimes makes you look really creepy.

Edited April 22, 2022 by Tudo

[Kid A]

9 hours ago, Tudo said:

Maybe the way you are trying to touch them is kind of creepy. Try to be more direct about the touching and the kissing part. Not being direct and clear sometimes makes you look really creepy.

I will have that in the back of my mind, but I actually don’t see how I could be much more direct. I’m so used to touching girls at this point that I actually feel pretty confident about it. I always touch the girls who give me their number (which are A LOT these days!) when I’m out doing pickup.

[Kid A]

5 hours ago, Bandman said:

Maybe you have some internal issues that you have to work out first. If so, why not go on a solo mushroom trip with the intent of fixing that?

I had a couple of trips in August/September. Didn’t have that clear intent though, but that was some real psychological horror! I was confronted with my suicidal thoughts and then I discovered my true face (made a topic about that) which has lowered my self-image. My problems are much much worse now, so I don’t know if I have the balls to it… 

[Kid A]

5 hours ago, Bandman said:

"Could it be that they find my really small hands creepy to be touched by?" - this insecure line of thinking keeps you in the insecure creepy frame which causes you to exude that out on the girl. 

I’ve never really been insecure about this. I’m just making a wild guess here, cause I have no fucking clue what I’m doing wrong.

[flowboy]

@Kid A  On paper, technically, you are doing enough things right.

The value of pickup theory is not in teaching you the perfect things to do, that if you didn't do them, you wouldn't get laid.

No.

All it does, is to encourage guys to do what they would naturally do, if it weren't for some subconscious force inhibiting them from it.

It's about getting back to your natural state, where you escalate without even having the concept of escalating in your mind, of touching someone without any reason except that's what feels right in the moment.

The big trap of theory is that you come to a date with this list of things to do and not do, this "plan" in your mind.

That's what creates the off-putting vibe.

The agenda.

The sense of "this guy has a plan that he's not telling me about".

The best results happen in moments where you don't have a plan, but you're willing to take a risk and go with the flow, venturing bravely into the unknown.

I encounter this principle daily, not just when I go on dates, but also in coaching sessions. And in many other life situations.

Example 1: had a great date a week ago where I continuously felt awkward, out of place, unprepared, we didn't even speak the same language for God's sake. I was continuously pushed to that point where I had to say to myself: "I don't know what the hell to do here, but let's go with it". And it turned out to become a really good experience once I let go.

Example 2: had a coaching session where someone brought up a blockage where I just couldn't find any model or tool which I had prepared, that would fit this. I had to throw out my knowledge and preconceived plans, and basically just explore based on intuition and improvisation. Turned out to be a very transformative session.

Plans, models and theories are at a certain point just escapes from facing the unknown, the uniqueness and unpredictability of the moment.

And when you throw them out, and make that decision to go ahead anyway without knowing what to do, that little twist of courage creates a positive, inspiring energy that gets picked up by the people around you and makes the interaction better and more productive.

This is why Owen from RSD made that point about "yesterday's insights become today's sticking points" (I'm paraphrasing - this point has been made by spiritual teachers as well)

You can learn without hanging on to tactics and theories - in fact this accelerates learning and also helps you to trust yourself in the moment.

This acting based on what feels right in the moment creates a better vibe.

I'd encourage you to practice just coming back to the moment, and basing everything you say and do, whether it's in conversation or escalation, just on what comes to you spontaneously, rather than accumulated knowledge.

I'm belabouring this point a bit too much now perhaps, but when someone is acting based on their preconceived plan in their head - it feels creepy.

Or if not creepy, it feels "not right" - like that salesman that talks to you in the street about donating to some charity, and you know he's using a script. Or that store worker who is asking you "Can I help you with something" right when you come in, and you just know he says that to everyone, just to sell you something.

It comes down to being present to the moment instead of in your head.

When I'm in my head, I can tell the funniest stories and people still want to get the hell away from me.

Because they can sense that "something's up". I'm not willing to be here, in the moment. I'm thinking of strategies to escalate in my head.

Going with the flow creates that positive vibe that you could be missing.

Being in the moment. Being willing to be couragous whilst not knowing what to do at all.

Edited April 23, 2022 by flowboy

[Max_V]

@RendHeaven It's kinda depressing, isn't it?

People are attracted to happiness and joy, yet those that are in the deepest of depressive states need it the most. 

 

[Kid A]

@flowboy

I was on a date yesterday and followed your advice. It went really well and I think I could have gotten her home with me if only we had had one more drink. Will definitely continue to go more with the flow from now!

[flowboy]

@Kid A  Awesome!

[StarStruck]

Dating is really about self-development and gaining self-knowledge. As another user said: people are mirrors, you are basically looking at yourself. Don't be a monkey who looks in the mirror and think there is another monkey in the mirror. No, it is just you. Especially girls just give back the vibe you give to them. If you give bad vibes, you will get bad vibes back or they just ignore you. So you have to work on yourself, get to the root cause of your negativity and process that/let it go. It is difficult work.

[Kid A]

On 9.4.2022 at 3:31 AM, Kid A said:

Last summer I was so depressed that there were only two chocies: Start doing pickup and all that, or kill myself. Unfortunately I chose the first.

Well, it finally happened. Guess I didn't make the wrong choise after all  

[ll Ontology ll]

On 9/4/2022 at 11:31 AM, Kid A said:

Since elementary school I've only wanted one single thing in my life: A girlfriend. 16 years later: Absolutely nothing has happened there.

I can remember my first girlfriend around this time, she was so beautiful to me. She had these big doe eyes, pale skin, she didn’t say much but when she did it was always in this sensitive, nurturing, intimate and fun tone to me. Better yet, she hit on me. Believe or not it was through repeated glances at each other as we took the same train each morning. 

I was amazed that she paid any attention to me, I remember wondering “wow, I wonder what it would be like to talk to her”, and then one day after it became too obvious to ignore, I decided to approach her while still having a lingering sense of potential rejection looming within. She didn’t. We enjoyed interacting with each other and then she left for school after we got to her stop. After that we often caught the train together and went home together (she lived in my neighbourhood of course).

The point I want to make to you though is that I didn’t learn anything really from my relationship. We can wish and wish and wish and wish, however when we get it we can experience all this “pleasure” but what is it worth in the end when it’s all over and we haven’t learned from our experiences? 

If I could trade my experiences with her for deeply learning about life in some other significant way I would. 

So an important question for all of our memories is, what would we trade these memories for? Especially those memories of supposed pleasure when they haven’t even brought earnest growth and development for us.

Personally, video games were more interesting to me at the time though I can remember asking one of my close to not so close friends at the time how to get a girlfriend when I hadn’t had one yet, or at least one that I would properly consider a girlfriend. He said “Michael (actually he called me by my nickname but I won’t say what it was), Alice came to me when I wasn’t even looking for a girlfriend, when I didn’t even really want one. I believe it’s when we’re not really looking for a girlfriend that one comes”. This may or may not be true, to me it’s just physics (repeatedly going to the right environments) and culturally speaking “cultural quantum physics”, however the point I want to make is that I was too much in a wanting state rather than an understanding of self state, something which simply wouldn’t have computed to me during that period of my life as I didn’t have the greatest role models in this respect outside of implicitly learning from my social environment. That’s if anything, what I would want to share and impart to you, this “idea” of self understanding taking precedence over anything else and it is certainly more valuable than a relationship where there was the continual expression of a lack of understanding between each other, especially in the long run. A “romance” relationship filled with ups and downs where nothing makes sense may sound good in fantasy but in practice it’s just a genuine waste of time when the world calls to us to have a positive and wise influence in the world around us.

I just caught your latest response to your thread by the way. Wishing you the best!

On 9/4/2022 at 11:31 AM, Kid A said:

Last summer I was so depressed that there were only two chocies: Start doing pickup and all that, or kill myself. Unfortunately I chose the first.

Interesting and worrying at the same time while I did catch your latest response and good luck there by the way, and have it be in your best interest to create your own luck there through a process of understanding. You’ll make plenty of mistakes like we all do but hopefully with people imparting their advice to you as I am here you’ll make a lot less mistakes than us. 

In general, dichotomous thinking in my experience had been because of my own lack of emotional self understanding, greater understanding that’s followed has been reflected of this correlation more or less. 

In this sense, instead of me giving you exercises, I would ask you what personal ideas you could come up with or research that would help you improve your self reflection then maybe you can share here too if you like?

I have plenty of ideas if you really want to share I just don’t want to ram it down your throat of course as I know what that feels like.

 

 

On 9/4/2022 at 11:31 AM, Kid A said:

Since then my life has been a nightmare so bad I didn't even know it was possible. I've been on around 40 dates and every single one of them just end with a message the following day where they say they didn't feel the chemistry.

That’s really rough man sorry you had to go through that, what I would be doing in your experience is to simply learn from each of those experiences. Moreover, it sounds like in this instance that you were simply looking for a relationship rather than looking for the right chemistry. What are your thoughts on this conclusion? 40 dates wow I certainly didn’t have this many at your age, I was too busy with video games with my friends and sport haha. Credit to you!

Only if you want to share, what are your thoughts about what I have said and do you think I could have said it in a way that better resonated with you? If so how? Only want to write write responses that are actually helpful of course.

Sincerely man wishing you the greatest you could have such a great life ahead of you if you learn to embrace it to its full and that can be such a hard thing to do I know so feel free to shout out whenever needed I’ll be round these parts for a while!

Best.

 

[StarStruck]

On 28-4-2022 at 1:40 PM, Knowledge Hoarder said:

Some of you guys get way too much into your feelings about this whole process. So far, I've approached 10 girls in total, and got 5 phone numbers - the rest told me they had a boyfriend. Now granted, I do have my own struggles with DOING the approaches, and not procrastinating out of initial fear, which I have to overcome, but once I actually approached, I've never been upset when a girl rejected me. You have to be willing to fail A LOT in this process, ok?

Like, technically speaking, with the small sample of girls I've approached, I've had a 50% success ratio - but I was, and am willing to fail 10 THOUSAND TIMES in a row, travel to a different cities (in fact I'll be moving next month/2 months), etc. Whatever it takes, I don't care.

You should've realized sooner that it's a process that takes time and emotional labor - it would save you from the unecessary victimhood mentality.

How many of those 5 phone numbers wanted to hang out tough? ?

[Leo Gura]

If you went on 30 dates, that actually means that a lot of girls like you.

No girl will show up to a date with a guy she wouldn't be willing to sleep with.

Your date game is just bad. Fix that and you will start getting laid.

The problem here is that you're missing the fundamentals of inner game. It sounds like your inner game and self-esteem is so bad that it turns a lot of girls off. This is something you can fix.

30 dates is A LOT of dates! You're not even registering that as success in your mind, which is a huge problem.

Getting good at dating requires a lot of persistence and patience. You have to work on every one of your sticking points. If girls are going on dates with you, your sticking points are not physical appearance, that much is obvious.

[Karmadhi]

@Leo Gura Has it ever happened to you that you kiss a girl on a date but you and or her dont feel anything? Even if you find each other physical attractive? Is that normal?

[Karmadhi]

Bro you should teach us how you even got 40 dates to begin with. It is super super impressive, especially within a year.  

[StarStruck]

3 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

Bro you should teach us how you even got 40 dates to begin with. It is super super impressive, especially within a year.  

You either have to be super cute or super confident. Looking at the thread and what he says he is definitely not confident so he definitely has to be cute.