Monogamy or Polyamory

[Raptorsin7]

What is the wiser or higher conscious approach to sexual relationships?

For example, some peoples approach to relationships is to kidnap, murder, and rape their victims/partners, like serial killers. I would consider this a low conscious approach to relationships. But what's on the other end of the spectrum.

I'm torn between polyamory and monogamy, I can see merits of both systems.

My instinct is leaning towards one long term partner being the way I'd love to live, but I think the absolute truth about relationships will ultimately win out.

What does everyone think 

[Truth-Seeker]

High Consciousness vs Low Consciousness in terms of relationships is NOT determined by the modality of how the relationship is carried out (i.e. Polyamory or Monogamy). It is all about HOW MUCH LOVE, RESPECT, CONSIDERATION, OPENNESS, KINDNESS, TRUTHFULNESS, TRANSPARENCY is being practiced with ALL the members involved in such relationships. 

For example, if it is monogamous and LOVE, RESPECT, CONSIDERATION, OPENNESS, KINDNESS, TRUTHFULNESS, TRANSPARENCY is practiced between you two and this is FULLY MUTUAL, then it is high consciousness. 

If it is polyamorous and LOVE, RESPECT, CONSIDERATION, OPENNESS, KINDNESS, TRUTHFULNESS, TRANSPARENCY is practiced between all of who is involved and this is FULLY MUTUAL for all parties, then it is high consciousness. 

Your instinct is your heart. Your heart has Truth. Follow it. The only reason you are conflicted with Polyamory is probably because it got brought up a lot as you researched things and now you think "Maybe my instinct is wrong, maybe my heart is wrong." Align your mind with your spirit. If the spirit said monogamy, then the mind should work towards monogamy with a good girl/guy/whoever-you're-into. 

Someone might come and say "Polyamory is a more high consciousness modality of relationships since you get to experience Love from different people and you enjoy what each has to offer as they enjoy what YOU have to offer them."

That will sound convincing but again if your heart is more leaning towards one person, follow it.    

Is polyamory wrong/evil? NO, it just means that you have a monogamy preference and that is OKAY. Someone else will lean towards Polyamory. The level of consciousness is then determined by how you go about it. 

[puporing]

There's not much use trying to plan this in your head. You might meet someone and start off monogamous, and grow into something more open, or you may not (as an example). Direct experience will give you the answers. Communicating honestly about things as you go, where you're uncertain or more certain of. Maybe even ask your partner what they might prefer/experiment with. The highest love may just be acceptance of what is in yourself and in others but it's okay if that's not where you are yet and you have a preference to pursue as that's also part of the whole.

Edited April 7, 2022 by puporing

[Preety_India]

If you want a spiritual relationship, monogamy is the answer. 

There is a reason why we say twin flame and not triple flame. 

 

[OceanRiver]

@Raptorsin7 monogamy all the way 

polyamory is for new age  brainwashed people 

Edited April 7, 2022 by OceanRiver

[zazen]

Depends on the place its coming from. You could make the case that monogamy requires higher consciousness as your working against your instinct to spread seed and mate with many partners, and to work continuously on the relationship despite the ups and downs, becoming bored of each other etc.

You could also make the case of open relationships requiring higher consciousness as although our biology has a instinct to mate with multiple partners, evolution doesn't necessarily care for our psychological health or well being, just to survive and reproduce. It takes a very emotionally strong and centred/actualised individual to be able to love freely , free of jealousy etc.

 

As the saying goes, before enlightenment chop wood carry water, after enlightenment chop wood carry water. You can do both, from a lower or high consciousness. The stage where society is currently at in its development, probably isn't ready for polyamory as most people aren't spiritually centred enough  or have the emotional resilience for it. Especially since we are disconnected from a lot of the things or habits that could bolster our emotional health (ie connection to spirit, nature, community, healthy diets and lifestyles in general). In our tribal past they could sleep around more easily but had the backing of the tribe for resources, protections, emotional security, and even when kids popped out the village/tribe raised it rather than the burden being put solely on a single couple. Saying that, our society could evolve towards that and the small sub section of society will participate and get the ball rolling in that direction. 

 

At a higher level whether you choose to be mono or poly depends on you and the partner(s) you choose to do that with. The main difference is whether its coming from compulsion  (instinct) or consciousness (intelligence).  What is more natural? We are more poly by our nature, monogamous by nurture. Maybe women aren't poly in that they want multiple partners at the same time but they want the best one they can get at the time, they are monogamous one at a time rather than for life. They find it harder to separate sex and emotion like men do. Men can have a emotional connection with one partner and have sex devoid emotion despite still loving his partner. So men are monogamous in heart, but polygamous by body. 

Women require more emotion due to being the child bearers, so nature could have designed them to have to be picky and have emotional connection/investment from men before sex to ensure offsprings survival.. or is this more of a psychological thing that our higher intelligence just thinks is the rational thing to do? Can women have sex without much emotion or pain? We are having a lot more casual sex now days but does this lead to women being sad as a psychological response (conservative social stigma etc) or is it baked into biology also? Is that why drinking/drugs goes hand in hand with this as to cloud away the negativity of it all. There are exceptions and not all women but are most woman wired in this way? This begs the question of how we go about the whole pick up/dating game and whats ethical/moral. 

 

You could say men are pair bonding non monogamous (emotionally exclusive, sexually inclusive), where as women are pair bonding serial monogamists ( biology draws woman to man to give birth and stay bonded until the child can fend for itself or up on its own feet 3-7 years  hence the 7 year itch, or that a lot of relationships last 3 years on average especially when just dating). Maybe nature hasn't designed us to be long term monogamous, but monogamous one at a time for women, and monogamish for men. 

 

The nature fallacy is the idea that if its natural its good. In that case our instinct to eat sugar salt and fat is good, or mate with anything that moves is good, or for women to mate with the strongest male for example even if they are dark triad. The instincts that we evolved served us in the past, but in the modern environment can hinder us and cause emotional heart ache as we live longer lives. Our biological evolution hasn't caught up to our cultural, social, technological, and emotional evolution. The modern environment constantly tickles our instincts, and we are at battle with our intelligence (higher consciousness) to live through intelligence rather than through instinct and make decisions that will benefit us physically emotionally etc. Of course, you can become higher conscious to the point you can indulge in your instincts (ie casual sex, poly etc) and yet remain intact emotionally. Maybe thats where evolution will take us and all the pain etc that the hook up culture is causing is pressuring us to evolve and develop emotional maturity. Although, we don't see too much of that, instead we see people become jaded, bitter, give up on dating etc and go into darkness hating the opposite sex. The resources and knowledge need to be there in society to help us develop emotionally to handle relationships maturely. Change comes from pain, but how much is too much to the point we longer have the desire to change or bother with relationships. Hence the rise of singleness etc. 

 

Maybe we need to make the distinction between pair bonding and mono/poly. You can be pair bonded with some one (emotionally) but poly sexually. In that way everyone has emotional security of having a partner with them to ride through life with, but when our biology calls us to have sex with a stranger or have a small adventure we indulge in that instinct, but realise its an indulgence and a holiday, not the home that our partner is to us. For men we are more able to do this. In general men cheat to save a relationship, women to end a relationship as women find it harder to separate sex and emotion (would love the women of the forum comment on this and if women can just have sex for the enjoyment of it devoid it leading to anything serious ie can they compartmentalise. Do women who do have sex with 'alphas' or 'fuckboys' do so in hopes of trying to win their commitment in the end and get disappointed eventually even it was always explicitly casual? If they have just sex with these guys, isn't good sex and orgasms enough to bond with that man even if its 'casual' or 'fuck buddy territory'. Theres the whole alpha fucks beta bucks thing in red pill for example where women have sex with the alpha for the strong genes, but settle with the beta for security needs). If its a one way open relationship in that the man can have sex with others, but the woman can't as maybe this is whats more in line with our biology, even if it makes sense on a logical/biological level, woman's psychology kicks in and builds resentment in the end anyway so these types of relationships struggle to work or she feels one of the sex partners may get you emotionally and risk the relationship even if you attempt to keep it as just sex with those outsiders. 

 

 

Edited April 7, 2022 by zazen

[gettoefl]

love is to untie not to tie, to make the other their best self not your best slave ... for me i choose together whenever rather than together forever

[puporing]

20 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

love is to untie not to tie, to make the other their best self not your best slave ... for me i choose together whenever rather than together forever

That's refreshing and inspiring to hear.

[Raptorsin7]

@gettoefl What does that look like in practice?

Do you have multiple long term partners? Are you planning on having children?

[gettoefl]

13 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@gettoefl What does that look like in practice?

Do you have multiple long term partners? Are you planning on having children?

am committed to a child-free existence myself ... i maintain connection with several poly friends but am not engaged in the poly lifestyle since my long term partner passed away two years ago ... am a happy mid 50s singleton these days and am focused on more meaty matters like self realization

[Razard86]

8 hours ago, OceanRiver said:

@Raptorsin7 monogamy all the way 

polyamory is for new age  brainwashed people 

1. Polyamory is the oldest form of union so its actually not new age its old age.

2. You are picking monogamy because you have a bias for that.

Spirituality is about union, its about dispelling all barriers and recognizing everyone as one. The highest form of consciousness would be polyamory with the whole world in truth. 

[SgtPepper]

42 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

1. Polyamory is the oldest form of union so its actually not new age its old age.

I don’t think so. The way we’re talking about polyamory, is voluntary and mutual.

 Historically speaking it’s been expressed as one man marrying multiple mates. 

[Razard86]

2 hours ago, SgtPepper said:

I don’t think so. The way we’re talking about polyamory, is voluntary and mutual.

 Historically speaking it’s been expressed as one man marrying multiple mates. 

You haven't done your homework. Ancient African Tribes engaged in polyamory. Also 2 of them were Matriarchal in that the females were the leaders of the tribe. Go do some research, it is the oldest form of union between men and women. Most of your knowledge of about marriage is Eurocentric.

[Raptorsin7]

7 hours ago, gettoefl said:

am committed to a child-free existence myself ... i maintain connection with several poly friends but am not engaged in the poly lifestyle since my long term partner passed away two years ago ... am a happy mid 50s singleton these days and am focused on more meaty matters like self realization

Were you poly with your long term partner?

And are your poly friends as interested in self realization as you are?

[Yarco]

I've been in communities with much higher than normal incidents of polyamory. 

50% of monogamous marriages end in divorce. But on a long enough time scale, I've never seen a poly relationship last a lifetime. Especially once you have kids, it gets pretty confusing and messy. Most people think they aren't the jealous type or will be able to handle it, but it turns out they can't. Lots of problems.

It's kind of paradoxical to me, because being poly seems more widespread in more spiritual woo-woo communities. But it also seems more low-consciousness and focused more on sexual variety vs. considering an overall relationship to me.

If you are going to engage in polyamory, I'd at least have one dedicated long-term partner who you live with and have a strong emotional connection with. Then you can both have fuck buddies on the side and keep it superficial and about sex, but don't develop that emotional bond with anyone but your main partner. I would probably have a rule where you don't sleep with a fuck buddy more than 5x to avoid developing something deeper. When you are emotionally polyamorous or living in the same home with multiple partners that's when stuff gets most weird. Emotionally monogamous, sexually polyamorous.

3 hours ago, Razard86 said:

You haven't done your homework. Ancient African Tribes engaged in polyamory. Also 2 of them were Matriarchal in that the females were the leaders of the tribe. Go do some research, it is the oldest form of union between men and women. Most of your knowledge of about marriage is Eurocentric.

We aren't in ancient Africa. Just because something has a long history doesn't mean it's superior or even good. I don't want to go back to eating bugs, living in mud huts, or dancing for rain either. Maybe monogamy was a factor in why Europe became more advanced than Africa.

Edited April 8, 2022 by Yarco

[thisintegrated]

You can go infinitely far in either one.  One is not better than the other.  Just pros and cons.

 

That said, statistically, the more loving/evolved one becomes, the more importance love gains in life.

[puporing]

I guess one more thing.. don't try too hard to short-circuit what you genuinely want for your life right now with something that may be deemed 'higher' spiritually, as also we do not live in such a world and there will be tremendous difficulties (or not and choose a very hard mode lawl) . But yeah it's like people trying to abstain from sex when they still want it. You can if you're not sure about things just be honest with the person you're with - I am looking for a long term partner, and I want our union to make our lives better for both of us, I may be "poly curious", etc... (depending on where you are I'm just throwing an example here). Maybe you'll be surprised to find someone with a similar outlook.

And the topic of children is tricky. Poly does not have legal protection (which is biased against poly people), so it can in some cases jeopardize legal rights to children. Something to think about if you care about that stuff.

I highly recommend a reading of "The Complete Conversations with God" - Neale Donald Walsch. That book resonated alot with me couple years ago, I've since evolved my views a bit further, but it sounds like it may be similar to where you are at. 

Edited April 8, 2022 by puporing

[Razard86]

2 hours ago, Yarco said:

I've been in communities with much higher than normal incidents of polyamory. 

50% of monogamous marriages end in divorce. But on a long enough time scale, I've never seen a poly relationship last a lifetime. Especially once you have kids, it gets pretty confusing and messy. Most people think they aren't the jealous type or will be able to handle it, but it turns out they can't. Lots of problems.

It's kind of paradoxical to me, because being poly seems more widespread in more spiritual woo-woo communities. But it also seems more low-consciousness and focused more on sexual variety vs. considering an overall relationship to me.

If you are going to engage in polyamory, I'd at least have one dedicated long-term partner who you live with and have a strong emotional connection with. Then you can both have fuck buddies on the side and keep it superficial and about sex, but don't develop that emotional bond with anyone but your main partner. I would probably have a rule where you don't sleep with a fuck buddy more than 5x to avoid developing something deeper. When you are emotionally polyamorous or living in the same home with multiple partners that's when stuff gets most weird. Emotionally monogamous, sexually polyamorous.

We aren't in ancient Africa. Just because something has a long history doesn't mean it's superior or even good. I don't want to go back to eating bugs, living in mud huts, or dancing for rain either. Maybe monogamy was a factor in why Europe became more advanced than Africa.

Europe wasn't more advanced, again you do not understand history and you betray yourself. What did you Europe do back then that equaled the Pyramids? What did Europe do back then that equaled the irrigation system that Egypt had? Your entire concept of what Africa was reeks of ignorance talking about dancing for rain. Europe was not more advanced they just went around attacking everyone. Majority of the time when they landed on new continents the Natives greeted them in peace and they backstabbed and killed them. Had the Natives knew their true motives much of history would be different.

Anyway at the end of the day this is all just story anyway. An illusion within a dream.

Edited April 8, 2022 by Razard86

[puporing]

17 hours ago, Preety_India said:

If you want a spiritual relationship, monogamy is the answer. 

There is a reason why we say twin flame and not triple flame. 

 

Yes that's the limitation/preference people usually adopt, for reasons and maybe for its 'intensity'.

It's possible to develop to a point where you can have a spiritual relationship/connection without an 'actual relationship' with someone (and 'things'), or without even seeing their face/knowing them very much otherwise. 

Edited April 8, 2022 by puporing

[Raptorsin7]

20 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

Europe wasn't more advanced, again you do not understand history and you betray yourself. What did you Europe do back then that equaled the Pyramids? What did Europe do back then that equaled the irrigation system that Egypt had? Your entire concept of what Africa was reeks of ignorance talking about dancing for rain. Europe was not more advanced they just went around attacking everyone. Majority of the time when they landed on new continents the Natives greeted them in peace and they backstabbed and killed them. Had the Natives knew their true motives much of history would be different.

Anyway at the end of the day this is all just story anyway. An illusion within a dream.

Ancient Egypt has almost nothing in common with what's conventionally thought of as tribes in Africa. In the time of Alexander the Egyptians were more similar to areas like Rome and Carthage in terms of their population. 

Apparently ancient India had flying cars and nuclear power, that may be a better example

Edited April 8, 2022 by Raptorsin7