Journey from bottom to the top

[KoryKat]

 

Hello amazing person, I am Kory , and here is my Day 1 of an official journey I mean to commit to.

 

Welp, after a long time of messing around, here I am in a Salvation Army homeless shelter and now the quote that captures how I feel... "The Sleeping Giant has Awakened" 

I landed here last night. I have been living in my van for 8 months. I am 32, and my own self-sufficiency has been lacking. I've stayed back and forth with people and on my own, always moving between jobs, places, and people. I've always wanted to be a high level life-coach, but as I went down the rabbit hole to unreel the nature of life, I disassociated with most everything but my own addictions to gaming and staying high. I've definitely been stuck for many years more-or-less doing the same shit not going anywhere.

 

But I have kinda riddled out the missing ingredients to the recipe for my own success, and it is certainly very exciting to be in a homeless shelter and letting go of the things holding me back...

I was living in my van near relatives and just staying within a comfort-zone that was actually screwing me over. The week before, it was still entertaining suicide to some degree, but I just came to accept that I needed help and my identity was gonna have to be scrapped... So I deleted all my games , like "I have no idea how I am gonna spend my day if im not binging out, but we will see!"  Well I had an incident that pissed me off enough and I had just enough resources to go, so I just said "Thats what I gotta do, go get a fresh start on my own, and cut all the things not getting me results, and it will just have to work out somehow"

 

So I got a call back from the shelter the following morning after I relocated to a nearby metro, and met a cool person that I've been vibing with as I feel myself coming online more and more... Its like recalling the better versions of myself like its just who I am now. Its pretty cool at the shelter, (i mean there are "bad" people to be around more-often-than-not, but helpful good people as well) I am getting 2 free meals/day, shower, laundry, place to get mail, state health insurance , getting a waiting list for a house in 1-2 months , got a bed , and daily life-skills training (reminding me of like military bootcamp but the homeless lite-bootcamp version) , and signed up for mental health stuff...  Definitely something I didn't expect, everybody makes homeless shelters sound horrible but Salvation Army is pretty legit and I got taken care of within an hour of getting here.

 

Well... I just wanted to work on writing/journaling and this felt like Day 1 to my journey... Really been a quick turnaround with going from depression/anxiety/existential crisis/etc to feeling like I am picking up with my better-self like riding a bicycle again.

 

I have not had anybody to talk to for a long time, so I cut my time-wasting addictions out and I'm formulating a strategy for my own success... Like asking questions:

 "What are daily habits I should work on""

What content do I want to study"

"Which communities should I get involved in?"

"What are the most important+urgent steps to be taking?" 

 

I know people mention Leo's Start Guide here, I am also downloading Optimize app by Brian Johnson, enrolled in free online philosophy courses , have some old personal development masterclasses to go back through, looking at some free self-development training workshops from these online ads, reading some books, going through more good youtube self-actualization (Joseph Rodriquez is a recent favorite discussing like Napolean Hill like subconscious inner-talk stuff, and Tom Bilyeu rocks too) 

 

I dont really know what my goal is , but I know my passion is teaching in the 'transcendence' category , and I want to get online making money... I've just always avoided trying to start my own Youtube / TikTok channel, but I am gaining confidence from being in this shelter and meeting this guy who has been showing me around giving me the newb-tour , and its just wild that I assume I would be incredible, but I'm also my own biggest critic , and I am beginning to see the more I push myself to express what I am about, the more positive feedback I get and more pace I pick up with it... So this day feels differerent, it seems the spiral has begun its upward climb, and I've been waiting for the day I would see myself getting momentum again, because I knew I would have nothing to look back to again... And now it begins... "Fly, Phoenix, Fly"  

 

Question : When a Phoenix rebirths, is it Day 1 for that Phoenix?  Is that an accurate metaphor??? Lmao idk, what do you think?

Glad to read any comments you wonderful people wanna respond with. 

Much love 

-Kory

Added a couple snapshots of this Salvation Army place... i just want to provide information that this place is pretty chill, not as bad as I had thought! Legit got my bed right across from buddy I had met, and there is a pile of tobacco behind my shoulder like community sharing lol. 

Edited April 7, 2022 by KoryKat
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[KoryKat]

Day 2 

I dont wanna write , I wanna sleep. 

First day waking up in Salvation Army, some old crack head would not STFU and guy next to my bed having a seizure over the night. Bed sucks too, my van is honestly way more comfortable, but Catch 22 is I have to adhere to curfew/morning routine in order to stay here...

My morning went to taking guy to bus stop and letting him rest in van for couple hours, really cut into my time, but I believe in its good to keep up good karma.

Doordashed rest of afternoon, making only $40 when I could of made $80+ in same time usually, but Oklahoma City is a lot poorer than I realized. 

Some govn services to get ID/Social/Birth Cert, seeing a Case Manager following today... There are daily-pay job opportunities but gotta have 2 forms ID.

Keeping to myself more at this place, since I kinda got stuck helping last guy, but I'm a hot target to be exploited by others, and few will be able to reciprocate value around here. Definitely not taking chances getting anything stolen, and I honestly just prefer to run my own business solo, as much as I am gregarious cool person.

Whenever I take showers, I make sure and turn it to cold and really force myself to stay there a bit... Its like , I know I am being a total little bitch if I dont, and so I do at least a bit.

I have curated my youtube to be mostly Productivity/Educational content, dont watch tv/movies , no more games, nobody I talk to, stop doing drugs/smoking... Just keeping myself from having means to procrastinate, so its like wellll im bored how about chores... I didnt want to believe I had to do it that way, thought I could just have some restraint/discipline... But nope, basically gotta "ground" myself like you do misbehaving children. 

 

Self-image seems to be one of the main things I am leaning into this journey with... Seeing myself as a non-smoker, a non-video gamer, dressing nicer... I see how grubby a lot of these homeless people can be, but focusing on carrying myself well so that its obvious I'm on the fast-track to getting out of here. 

This online journal helping me with writing, accountability, and tracking progress. 

Im mainly establishing good habits and better self-image , I guess my main goal will be to get making money online preferably along my passion of Transpersonal Coaching. Probably going to check out a restaurant/labor job while trying to get low-income housing and look to build skills for transitioning to online over the next 3-6 months. 

 

Thanks all, later

-Kory

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Bojan V]

Wow. What an interesting life-journey!

Your life will be better every day, even if sometimes doesn't seem like that!

I know there are many homeless people in Usa. I am so sorry for all your hardship you've experienced??.

I am from Slovenija, rural area in the middle of nowhere, forest all around. It's a beautiful nature here. 

I wish for you too a life in a wonderful place, wherewer you prefer to live. You can do it!

All the best to you?! 

 

Edited April 8, 2022 by Bojan V

[KoryKat]

22 hours ago, Bojan V said:

Wow. What an interesting life-journey!

Your life will be better every day, even if sometimes doesn't seem like that!

I know there are many homeless people in Usa. I am so sorry for all your hardship you've experienced??.

I am from Slovenija, rural area in the middle of nowhere, forest all around. It's a beautiful nature here. 

I wish for you too a life in a wonderful place, wherewer you prefer to live. You can do it!

All the best to you?! 

 

 

I dont know that I would trade the experiences for an easier life.

 I remember wishing life was harder for me a long time ago, and the struggle has put me more in touch with the reality and human condition like I don't think I would have if I had just climbed without so much crap... But that crap has given me a unique angle. How many gurus have met heroine addicts or been in a homeless shelter and confronting suicide? 

Its easy to preach like "oh homeless people, just get a job!" Or "just get over your depression!"  ... Its really taught me what is holding people back by experiencing it first-hand ...

  Losing most everything has been a blessing , before I used to try and help everybody, but now I see that fine-line within our consciousness how you can be trapped by it.  

Honestly its been amazing in the humbling kind of way... Like some Fight Club shit "How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight" , now I am unafraid of so much , and I have vigorously tested ways to escape from hell myself and found what *actually* works and what doesn't...

 

Certainly people have told me self-help is overrated and tried to help me live a normal life, but I know this stuff like Leo is on about , is like the most legit stuff across the ocean of info (or disinfo).  And now I feel destined to fight this bloody war until my last breath, because most people can't ride on rock bottom and make it back up and know what is really going on. 

 

So I am glad to talk about the shit I've been through as a way to show others that it can be done no matter how bad you've had it. Let myself be an example. 

 

Much love 

-Kory

 

 

[Bojan V]

@KoryKat Well, you certainly are an inspiration for me.

Much love,

Bojan

Edited April 9, 2022 by Bojan V

[KoryKat]

Working Doordash got my account out of negative and got some extra.

Getting back into self-care, dressing nicer, did a job interview which I dunked, but not enough pay. Did a couple rounds of Wim Hof right before it, on top of adding cold shower time to my normal showers. Think im gonna try for a waiter position instead and take advantage of natural charisma and meet younger locals while having a performance-based pay

Saw Case Manager, helped set some goals for me... Getting my ID stuff sorted out Monday, lining up Dr appt, food stamps, check out plasma donation

Engaging with people more, saying Hello to ppl, just dusting off the social skills, trying to keep good present energy , picking up more confidence because most people give me good feedback it seems like... 

Put on some Neville Goddard and Joseph Murphy on podcasts while doordashing, and listening to some about the Kyaballion (Corpus Hermetica of Greek philosophy?). Ive been really interested in subconscious programming stuff... 

Went to Meetup and found a hiking event Just enjoying myself around people, not really trying to talk to people too much... Although there was a girl I ended up chatting with about Tony Robbins and stuff... Im looking for like-minded people but I think she was giving me a soft-rejection on picking her up. Noted some areas of improvement for my game I could work on , maybe try some day-game sometime, although I would like to get a group going of just like people like this community has... Not really sure how to go about it, went to another park solo , taking some selfies at both parks, getting a TikTok going and start broadcasting some of myself. Maybe start a Meetup event about stuff related to self-actualization and consciousness stuff... Although there is a lot of Christians around here... 

Getting a gym membership gonna work out with a guy from the Salvation Army tomorrow.

Can definitely tell my self-esteem is picking up, feeling really relaxed (not stressing nor thoughts clouding my mind hardly that much - which this is a massive turnaround from just several days ago)

Tired tonight, kinda wasted the night being social... Had some guys preaching God to me... Which was fine, but I dont subscribe to religion... I use "God" as another way to think about the subconscious, and all of creation. So I was just listening and filtering things like how do I apply the preaching to something real I can use for a couple hours. I really got stuck as the center of attention and I am gonna have to work on not getting stuck with people talking to me on and on...  Even if I can find useful stuff in what others say , its just I can be more efficient on my own study. 

Overall, just calibrating with each interaction. Being good energy, adjusting social skills, saying No to things , curating content I spend time on , reviewing past notes and recollecting my ideas I seem to have forgotten, working on establishing plans, finding inner peace (mental quietness, not reacting to things emotionally) , reprogramming my beliefs/identity so that "I am" the person I want to be and also like abundance mindset and self-talk , and trying to keep consistently doing the things working for me for good habits - adding in a little more each day.

Just considering how much Id like to catch up on study-wise , and building up network , and developing myself as a life-coach and monetizing my passion... Gonna be a longgggg road , but at least with things continuously improving, then it doesnt really matter too much as long as I am addressing fears holding me back and expanding on what is working decently enough... I expect there will be those hard things that Ive been scared of and avoiding (like the difficulty of getting to where i want) but at the same time there should be really positive outcomes that I wouldnt have expected that come out of nowhere.  Main thing is focusing on improving while also removing stuff with negative outcomes (so less time-wasters) 

 

Its only been about 1-2 weeks since I was paralyzed by negative emotions thinking I was gonna be stuck to the point that maybe suicide wasnt such a bad alternative... Now I am feeling like im about to surpass my previous peak within weeks from now. 

Definitely gotta figure out the whole "how to sit down and grind on productive stuff" like being focused writing study notes or building my online presence... Maybe the gym and some meditation will be the thing to try adding in tomorrow that helps in that area.

 

Much love

-Kory

 

 

 

 

[KoryKat]

5pm in the afternoon and im in the mood to complain.

 

So i woke up at 6am thanks to Salvation Army rules, everything running late, from the chore list and breakfast throughout my day with the guy i went to the gym with..

I went to the gym while arguing with my mother who ive had blocked because i dont want to keep wasting time with nonsense, saw the guy had hit me up to go earlier and i had assumed he was just MIA...

So get him, and hes slow, go by Walmart for a couple things, nearly 2 hours waiting on him , watched Joe Dizpensa and Tom Bilyeu "Unlock Full Potential of Your Mind" ((HOLY SHIT SO GOOD, Dizpensa = WOW, im gonna try to integrate his content asap!) ... hit the gym hard , that was really awesome, just doing the 30 min across 10 machines for a full body workout, actually went hard and and i can tell that is helping my monkey brain from being scattered. 

dude is cool but so slow , im like anal about my time for myself, not like waiting on some dude i just started chillin with all day... gonna have to rehearse saying No , I got stuff to do or somethin, he talked me into getting weed and going by a girls house where i waited another hour (he acting like its to help me meet her or her friend, but it seemed like i was being somebodys bitch) so i just dont feel like getting sucked into some homie that wants to waste my time , when im punctual , its just i feel like i havent had something pressing to get done, so i take time to dick around...

 

So saying No to people and telling them i gotta go do me solo. making a schedule to adhere to.  going hard on some Joe Dispenza while keeping going to the gym are gonna be todays reflections so far... just felt like writing cuz i could of finished working out by 11am, but i just got back at 5:30pm and last night i got preached to for like 2 hours... this shit has gotten old. Im gonna have to be anal about my time, definitely

"Every mistake is a lesson" -Wukong

 

[KoryKat]

Booyaa, another day to grind on it. 

Yesterday didnt write. Recap.

Was very tired following 1st day back to Gym... partial blame going to junk-food diet (I believe gluten comes with a 24-48 hour energy crash... and also smoked a bowl of weed after breakfast...

Laid in my van all morning/afternoon, did some calls to get ball rolling on new ID, and a job program, listened to more Dispenza mostly. 

Bought energy drink after lunch and ibuprofen, which mostly knocked out the exhausted feeling, Doordashed for a few hours.

Sticking point : Talking to people and start to internally dwell on conversation points too much. 

Also getting more into conscious creation of the life I want to live... rewiring brain via doing more what I want to be , and removing actions that I dont want... altogether less procrastination. 

Sticking Point #2 : Learning to say No to people... definitely people trying to use me from the homeless shelter, like I ghosted the guy wasting my time trying to be my new gym buddy. "I got business to handle" 

Started several threads , as I am just like "why not spam the forums with questions I want to work on?" 

Also watched Leo's 1st video in Start Here, really good overview starter video, crazy how I feel like I know 60% of it already, but the thing is *fundamentals* so drilling in the basics irregardless if I know 90% or not... as how can I teach it if I dont know it through and through?

 

Definitely gonna have to add meditation ASAP. 

Im already getting more clear and crisp feeling, only 5-6 days into starting to turn my life around

Adding 20-30 seconds of cold shower to every shower. 

 

Havnt updated my journal in a few days on Actualized.org

 

Wrote a post and accidentally deleted it.

 

Went to gym and worked out hard, really helped "dial-in" (effects diminshed after 24-48 hours)

 

Had a guy starting to leech off me, drug me around wasting my time... Gotta work on saying No.  (Self-respect, commitments to my other plans, people gotta respect me saying No or kick them out immediately)

 

Smoked weed with that leecher, bought me a gram and started being lazy, reinstalled a game, lost momentum, relapsed into old identity (note to self, keep practicing identity change, it is *not* a one time thing, but an active ongoing process requiring daily commitment)

 

Cut back on people altogether again, maybe its because there is a lingering effect of weed making me like that for up to 3 days after? Will see.

 

Leecher got kicked out of Salv. Army housing and ghosted him. Kinda ghosting everybody (cuz of weed's effect)

 

Been wasting a lot of time throughout the day... doing some doordash in morning , lying around most of afternoon and evening..

 

Seems like life is an *energy game* , mylenating neuron pathways through repetition, body prefers using less energy and defaulting back to old habits...

 

Felt like 'two step forward, one step backwards' until getting thrown off that day with leecher and picking up smoking weed a few days and reinstalling a game. Loss of drive, emotionally monotone feeling.

 

Lined up for a Career 'Work Ready'program, going to be ongoing with daily classes , preparing for interviews, getting resume fixed up, learning skills related to field I want to work in, help with finding employers,and the whole 9 yards.

 

Got a birth certificate ordered - 2 weeks tho, get my ID and SS card following that...

 

 

 

Things Im working on implementing to daily routine

Cold Shower

Wim Hof + Meditation habit

Going thru Transformation Academy classes

Going thru Actualized.org classes

Every 2-3 days going to Gym

Getting to sleep early (no lights including phone) around 9pm , waking up at 5/6am

Going thru Optimize mini-classes

Earning extra $20-60/day Doordashing

 

Need to identify goal for entreprenurship and commit to doing that around the clock

Need to write down list of Self-Inquiry questions

Need to work on schedule and measuring success towards commitments.

Need to create a study habit... like an environment where I aim to be productive (because lazy in my bed/van/tv) , maybe start going to library/coffee shop and do Pomodoro technique and try 3 blocks of 30-60 mins of goal-oriented activity. Also dressing up like 'im going to work' maybe that will help with feeling like 'this is work time' instead of constantly dipping off on my phone being lazy.

 

 

 

Definitely slacking though. Hopefully a few days off weed and doing some Wim Hof/working out will help reset back... what originally seemed to get me going last week was 1) a girl playing therapist for me with lots of "i love you" intimacy + eye contact (not romantic love at all,just like "i care about"love and providing me space to open up  , and 2) getting pissed off at some cops harrassing me, really spiked my emotions , which is kinda the opposite after smoking/chilling too much feeling emotionally monotone now

 

Anyways, one of my biggest lessons so far has been "When falling off the horse, you must get right back on it" as this applies to habits/personal change... If I let one or two more days go without journaling, Im essentially going to have to start all over again... so here we go, back on the horse I get.

 

Much love

-Kory