What does "just be yourself" mean?

[bloomer]

What does this advice mean? I've had it a few times and I overthink it. If being myself was sufficient wouldn't I already have what I want? Who else am I going to be, someone else? I don't know it seems like non advice but I can remember listening to Leos pick up videos a few months ago and he mentioned that just being yourself is actually the best thing you can be. I've just translated this to mean "don't pretend to be someone you're not". That's far more applicable but I don't pretend to be someone I'm not and that still hasn't made me magically successful. Ironically I think "just being yourself" might be sound advice because if you're unattractive and people just don't like who you are for whatever reason nothing you do will matter and if you are attractive and people just like you for whatever reason than again, what you do doesn't matter. I think who people actually like has less to do with who you are and more to do with who they perceive you as and the link between the two is less than most people would suspect. Anyway below is a quote from my hero and icon Will Smith.

[Raze]

It means be your true self, not the persona you put on for other people, especially people you think are out of your league.

[bloomer]

@Raze

What's your "true self"?

[NoSelfSelf]

It means putting yourself first! your actions,thoughts,emotions wants are coming together you are not trying to get people you are true to yourself...

Analogy:you play with your toys and you are so focused on it that nothing else matter and you are having fun in your world and now other people want to join your world and when they are in your world they play by your rules because you are most attractive when you focused on yourself only...

Game is not for her game is for your own self is good saying...

[bloomer]

@NoSelfSelf

1 minute ago, NoSelfSelf said:

you are most attractive when you focused on yourself only...

Whose only focused on themselves? How can people say that you need to take initiative go out and ask girls out, cold approach and do all this shit then say you only need to focus on yourself and not care if you're alone or you don't get relationships or have a life. I've been focusing on myself and I don't have anything from it. 

2 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Game is not for her game is for your own self is good saying...

I don't get it. Feels like gaslighting. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

Being yourself does take practice. Of course you are always being yourself but is that self you are expressing coming from a truly authentic place? A teacher of mine taught me that physically grounding helps with authenticity. She also taught me a meditation that calls all my energy back to me. Noticing my feet in the earth and feeling the energy from it moving up into my body. Through that I feel myself able to express in an authentic way. 

[something_else]

It’s meant to encourage you to be authentic, but in practice people give that advice when they really have no idea what advice to actually give you

[NoSelfSelf]

@bloomer focused on yourself mean you are going to talk to girls because you want to not influenced by somone or i should be talking to girls...further more when approaching you dont come to them to get them you come to them being yourself showing them what you are all about and if they would like it and not manipulating if you want just sex you should push that not having some secret agenda...

No its not gaslighting you just dont see how its not about yourself because you put them beyond yourself...

[Federico del pueblo]

@bloomer  I think this "just be yourself" advice can be extremely misleading, especially for guys who are still struggling with girls.

I don't really like the advice because it can hold shy/insecure guys back and stop them from becoming confident and more socially successful.

So let's just summarize what you should and what you shouldn't do.

- Do not hold back your true opinion about something if it differs from someone else's opinion. You have to own who "you are" and altering what you say out of fear of being judged or getting negative reactions is insecure and unattractive.

- Do integrate pro social behaviours in your personality, i.e. make it a habit to start conversations with new people, even if you feel uncomfortable or shy or like you don't want to do it (this is only relevant if you want to increase your social success of course).

- Do learn how to flirt with girls and how to sexualize conversations, how to make things happen, set up dates, escalate etc. (= get better "game").

The problem with the "just be yourself" advice is that it only helps you if you are already good with people (and in that case you don't really need advice). If you are shy, awkward, afraid to approach, afraid to flirt, afraid of rejection and people's opinions etc. just being yourself won't get you far. That's what you've already been doing and what didn't get you good results.

Socially unsuccessful people are "being themselves" by "not being themselves" because they censor themselves a lot with people out of fear of being dislike = holding back their true opinions and thus their "true self".

They might also give people compliments for things they don't really like, to make the other person like them, or do them favours, say "yes" even though they actually would like to say "no". That's why they're often being perceived as inauthentic or "not being themselves" ?

The less you care about other people's perceptions of you, the more you'll become your (true) self, but if you start from a place of insecurity you have to change yourself (not care about what others think of you) to get there.

[Raze]

4 hours ago, bloomer said:

@Raze

What's your "true self"?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lj02z6kN-4M

[bloomer]

@Raze

I've added this to my watchlater and I will watch it tomorrow. It's late now but I'll check it out. 

[OceanRiver]

@bloomer @bloomer

6 hours ago, bloomer said:

What does this advice mean? I've had it a few times and I overthink it. If being myself was sufficient wouldn't I already have what I want? Who else am I going to be, someone else? I don't know it seems like non advice but I can remember listening to Leos pick up videos a few months ago and he mentioned that just being yourself is actually the best thing you can be. I've just translated this to mean "don't pretend to be someone you're not". That's far more applicable but I don't pretend to be someone I'm not and that still hasn't made me magically successful. Ironically I think "just being yourself" might be sound advice because if you're unattractive and people just don't like who you are for whatever reason nothing you do will matter and if you are attractive and people just like you for whatever reason than again, what you do doesn't matter. I think who people actually like has less to do with who you are and more to do with who they perceive you as and the link between the two is less than most people would suspect. Anyway below is a quote from my hero and icon Will Smith.

Yo it means u have self awareness and u just follow that

thsts all it means

most people lack self awareness tho lol

so they can’t follow that trail

u r the awareness 

everytub else is just a pattern u gotta integrate and rework

plasticity stuff

wot hip hop is good for 

[Salvijus]

It means don't get in the way of the natural flow of all things.

[hyruga]

Fill your emptiness by living soulful. Let your individuality out by accepting your idiosyncrasies and dark side.

[Matt23]

On 4/5/2022 at 0:34 PM, bloomer said:

but I don't pretend to be someone I'm not and that still hasn't made me magically successful.

Maybe it won't.  Maybe being truthful, honest, and authentic won't get you what you want.  But it might give You what you want.  It might make you way more happy and fulfilled.  Even if that means not having the richy-rich stuff, or w/e, your programming/ego thinks it wants.  perhaps,.,., dunno .

16 hours ago, Salvijus said:

It means don't get in the way of the natural flow of all things.

Ya.  This.

 

Let it flow.  Let it flow when it scares you as well... this is where the practice comes in.  Like, just let loose, see what happens.  Be so authentic it kills you and makes you squirm lol.  Just be yourself.. meaning; loosen the grip you have on what you say, feel, think, and do.  Just let it go.  let it all go.  

Takes fucking courage man.  

But shit is it liberating.  

I've been trying it on for years and I still have tons more to do.  It's a lifelong journey. a true path towards mastery, truth, and love. ,,, n all that.

[Focus Shift]

When I hear "just be yourself", typically I am frustrated in hearing a trite saying that has little value at the surface. However, I've come to understand "just be yourself" to mean that when we are in some opportunity (dating, business, or otherwise) we can act needy. This is based on the perception that this opportunity will make or break us, and thus, by putting all this pressure on ourselves, we self sabotage. When we believe there is an abundance of opportunities, we can more fully relax, and get what we truly desire. 

[thisintegrated]

Be the most attractive version of yourself, is what it means.

[SeaMonster]

No offense, but posting a Will Smith graphic kind of defeats the argument, as he is clearly delusional if he thinks he has attracted the right people into his life.  He hasn't attracted the right MAIN person into his life.

But the thing is that the language and assumptions used to talk about this subject are really shitty, and confuse (perhaps intended to) people more than they clarify anything.  There are a lot of platitudes being thrown around, as well as falsely simplistic thinking.

To think that being attractive vs. not being attractive are fixed categories is insane.  People can change for the better along many dimensions (being in shape, dressing well, learning social skills, maturing as far as personality, etc.)  This is indisputable if you have actually observed people for a long time.

The REAL issue is whether you are faking being different or whether you have actually done the real, often painful work of changing yourself for the better.  The first is unsustainable and sooner or later you revert back to the old self, while the second is proper, desirable and necessary unless you want to stay mired in misery.  

It's pretty much get-rich-quick strategies vs. building wealth over time.  Same idea.

[RMQualtrough]

It's because it's a two way connection.

In other words, when someone doesn't like you, you think "they don't like me, that means I have to change so they like me", rather than "our personalities didn't mesh, I need to find someone I connect with".

[bloomer]

@SeaMonster

On 4/18/2022 at 4:43 AM, SeaMonster said:

No offense, but posting a Will Smith graphic kind of defeats the argument

Keep Will Smith's name out yo fucking mouth!