Journey to pure essence

[Esilda]

Hello again,

For my essence understanding slowly how to be fully human is my inner most spiritual journey.

Likely due to childhood illnesses, diabetes and trauma I have spent most of my life experiencing the universe and my body as an illusion. Something not truly real, so easily influenced, and the only touchable things for me have been the pursuit of knowledge and the turning and returning into innocense.

I sense that this inner position led me to an existence where I have lived in 4 different continents, and instead of working as an MD as I first began my educational studies and then a manager in Human Resources which allowed me a Visa into my now country, I ended up unexpectedly working full time & professionally as a nurse, meals on wheels volunteer and healer for a long time.

A part of me felt "wow I made it to being a mature human sharing my highest experiences before I’ve even reached my 30’s." But, something felt insecure within and instead of giving me satisfaction and adding to my life I found myself feeling less real with time and limboing with inertia in my spiritual evolution. Along with that my trust weakened for anyone that said they were a teacher some reasons. Firstly, in the spiritual retreat I worked in, I really felt like the teachers were in large part often over inflated egos mostly interested in creating their self image and taking advantage of the generosity of others. Secondly though I myself was not so interested in the finances or advertising and though my customers reported great fulfilment from my instruction, I still felt a little lost desperate internally, l felt like I was not truly equipped for this work.

On top of this I feel like because I’ve spent so many years looking into the universes soul that in the departure from my body I found it - but then I felt shortened by it all as well, my diet, my health, my connection. And now I’m trying to gather myself again.

My new life connections are now to fully connect with all of life, accept my body and embrace all of life and my body and mind with love and purity. With this goal, be in full allowance for the growth that wil folllow this and be really pragmatic and about this inner watching. To continue my life and expertise as a nurse by branching out into more healing ideas through say entrepreneurship in some way. Maybe mix and match my experiences in healing centres and my work with the homeless. 

I have now officially broken up with my partner after being on an off and on break with him for some time and now I am very slowly reopening myself back up  as I watch my inner growth follow me inside. This is my new cycle as a woman I feel having gone full turn, ready flip feel into my new season of life after saying goodbye to many different things which had been very daunting for me.

This is my new introduction to this forum after now entering this new life entrance.

I hope to get to know some of you more and to take the most advantage of the life experiences that other here have to share.

I am being reborn through Mother Nature. Her love, her sensitivity, her endless acceptance beauty, wrapping me up with her gift so I can receive and give back to the life that she fills me with.

Sending so many well wishes, love and compassion to everyone,

Esilda

Edited April 3, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

After now a few days off I‘ve decided to go to where I used to live in New Zealand to see some old friends. 

I’ve also been busy with a new nursing programme as a part of the training I’m getting for my promotion as nurse. No doubt my experiences as a human resource manager have helped me here.

I’ve been keeping a private journal to note down any new insights I could gather from my experiences, to give me closure on my learning phase which brings me a lot of anxiety. Lol. I’ve written a few already in my penciled journal but I don’t have time yet to write them out properly.

What I’ve predominantly learned is that I have to try and be more down to earth as a nurse, more so as it counts in guiding others around me in a loving way. To work on and think about how I am coming cross to patients and personnel so that I can be the best mediator between us as nurses delivering our care, receiving our direction from doctors and other stuff and making the experience of patients as hassle free. 

I want to really take action on all of this as soon as possible. I want to embrace my job so deeply that this is just who I am at an identity level so I keep my composure in all places in the same way. It’s a steep learning curve so I want to my time on my heels to be as short as possible.

A few days ago I met one of our new nurses and they were a lot of fun to speak to because they’ve had experiences being taught by a guru so they were able to empathise with my experiences. It was such a pity they only had a short shift because I really wanted to continue talking with them after I finished my two long ones. She had such interesting ideas on spirituality, she’ll be back next week. She comes from a religious background and in a new way she’s helped me draw closer to my own realisations around god. Everything has a new feel to it at work now. In the beginning I was really stressed and this impacted me badly but now I feel like things are starting to reach a comfortable “fresh”. Over the next few days I’m going to be researching more ideas around soul, god and connection ❤️❤️.

[Esilda]

 More entries later tonight, feeling fresh ❤️. UFO’s anyone?

[Esilda]

Continuing my conversation with my new colleague she told me how she learned to have greater humility in life. She told me insights about the ego that she described in her own personal way which really resonated with me. That it can be like an imaginary balloon being filled with helium gas that when it’s popped it just makes us look like fools. I’ve been there. We talked about how we need to learn to live together as one and work together and how we are in the end all dependent on one another. Her name is Marie by the way, won’t share last name for privacy of course. 

I really am sorry to anyone if I’ve ever made them feel bad about themselves or if I’ve caused pain to anyone knowingly or unknowingly. I want to share my appreciation as well to everyone that has ever commented previously on my journal or that I have spoken to on this site. I have learned so much for everyone and sometimes I have accidentally been ungrateful for the company that others have shared with me. I really hope this journal helps everyone on their own personal inward journey, to become more in touch with the soul that Mother Nature gave them. Talking to her face to face has really now had a long lasting effect on me now that I’ve reflected more on her thoughts. Without this idea of journaling now really sinking into to me I probably wouldn’t be on my now inward souls journey. 

Thank you to everyone sending so much gratitude, appreciation and compassion,

Esilda

I’ve thought about writing more tonight…. We’ll see how it goes. May write in the dark in silence with some potpourris, incense with candles and flame.

Edited April 3, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

Writing session reminder for myself ❤️❤️. Later tonight…

[Esilda]

Other nurses love it when I twirl around in week dancing about, they find it funny. I still have a couple more days off but I wanted to go in today to have lunch with a friend in the hospital where I am stationed. My dancing is so awkward though lol I was never the gifted athlete. I’ve tried poke dancing but I was anything but “sexy” on a pole lol, at least to me.

I now know what I want in many areas of my life. I have lots have goals in many areas, lots of micro goals. Mainly all centred around my new job and my career path and working on growing my consciousness with myself and my body which I think dancing can be good for as then we are having fun with music too. I play the violin, no way I can dance at the same time though lol. I have been playing since my late teens and a little in higher ed for band. I’ve now decided by the way that I’ll be signing up to a local music theatre group to see how I can make best use of my talents there, the most basic of drummer too anyone? There’s lots of music centres around here where I am, I’d like to get into something more orchestral and I also want to maybe consider teaching music theory someplace where I would be performing too.

Sexuality is becoming a much larger topic for me, I haven’t been with many guys and I want to keep it that way. I want to explore my understanding of many different sexual subjects though, I am still so confused about what books to read though. I’ve rarely even thought about sex in an advanced way for years and years and when I did I never really pursued it much. Along with this I want to learn to take care of myself emotionally much more and learn to have a much more emotional relationship with a guy and make sure that my intimacy is based on this emotional connection more than anything else.

In the long run I feel l am ready to find a guy to settle down with, someone that is like me or complements me in important ways. Starting to think more about my biological clock and the subject of children that I’ve been thinking about since I was a teen in various spurts. I can remember when I was a young girl having strange conversations with my mother about my imaginary baby that I would talk about with her lol. I need a second mind, a male mind to help me extend my thoughts. On the other hand I still think I have ways to go before I am responsible enough to have kids, like I have very little experience with them at all.

“Mummmmm” says my future kid

….. not at all ready for that yet lol

Edited April 4, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

Below is how I feel right now........ Thus how am I going to put myself in a deep writing mood?!?!!?

All a gal can do is try, setting reminder for tonight!  

[Esilda]

Actually more like...

 

 

Hmm... Time to sink into myself and see what needs to be splattered onto the keyboard  .

 

 

[Esilda]

 

What love do I want to leave behind in my life

looking back after I'm 'gone'?

 

It feels like I am trying to get too much from life instead of being more humble. 

<Still>

This is my daily workshop of humility now.

Since I was real young I ALWAYS wanted more though I always gave a lot too.

We humans think we can just take, take, take, have, have, have when its just not practical.

We think we can do want we like and that not have repercussions to our relationships with the world around us, most of all, with the people we love.

All of these gimmicky dating apps Tinder and everything else, its like a giant buffet of men to choose from, mostly losers.

We think we can just sleep with whoever we want and that not effect our closest relationships even if they don't find out.

I have never let go of this childhood dreaming that I have, I just want so much from life though I have to learn to balance myself... Because my ego still gets in the way. I want to build my network, organise my personal development better, be much smarter about dating and men realising that there's so much marketing nonsense out there that takes advantage of both sexes biological impulses.

Where are my illusions and where is my awareness?

I find it so difficult to categorise these things and I don't know what to do with it really sometimes.

Where is my purpose in life and where are my giggles?

I need more balance.

I feel like I have so much social conditioning to get rid of to live my life fully.

I am in my late 20's now so I want to prepare myself for the next phase of my life as best as I can.

I want to understand what it means to truly be human.

I want to learn about stocks and shares and I want to read about great philosophy and art that I haven't exposed myself enough to.

How can I become aware enough that I learn to balance all the aspects of myself into a healthy vision?

My body has evolved to have all these lower needs and desires, it feels like so much of the world has been created to just take advantage of these aspects of myself.

So little of the world is created to support love and relationships.

I have changed a lot in the last 12 months and I am very happy and proud of myself, seeing my efforts payoff has meant a lot to me and how I reflect on my past.

This life has just been so confusing so I am still sorting through so much mess. I have many achievements to go through, when I am doing something new though I get distracted by the love that I had for the old things.

I can feel when I write how chaotic things are in my head, its alarming to me and I need to bring sense to as much of it as I can.

Abstract ideas I need to understand, feelings I need to connect with my body.

I find it amazing how so many of my beliefs have just been programmed into me without me even realising, now I feel like my identity is reforming as my awareness within myself grows.

I feel I have received a few kicks in my life lately including my new job that have really forced me to reconsider many of my life positions and how I am to move forward.

What is happiness in all of this?

I feel contentment and peace, why do I need much more than this?

What are my thoughts and what are the thoughts that society has just marketed to my biology and just wants to plug into me to make me feel things that I don't really believe in looking back on my life in the future?

What love do I want to leave behind in my life?

 

My daily practice is what...

 

Edited April 7, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

Fear is like what? Evolutionary and all that stuff... So... Gal like me needs to learn how to deal with all these impulses nature has given her.

I will create a life of love. I will learn to live from love.

I need to find some daily affirmations around love and the rejection of fear.

Learn to trust my mind to slowly sort through life rather than making impulsive decisions.

I'm not some super impulsive woman, I just have various anxieties that I'm still coming to terms with.

When I get anxious, I make bad decisions. Th difference between anxiousness and positive stress.

Trying to find books that will help me learn to reflect on life more and learn from my experiences more.

Found this... Liking it so far  .

Sometimes You Win Sometimes You Learn Learn, John C. Maxwell. 

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17333532-sometimes-you-win--sometimes-you-learn

Edited April 7, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

Panic is unhealthy, panic is unhealthy, panic is unhealthy.

Rinse and repeat.

Rinse and repeat.

Panic is unhealthy.

Saying to myself for 1000th time today.... Panic is unhealthy.

This.... Is..... going.... to.... be.... a..... long.... journey... 

Meditation.

[Esilda]

Ahhhhh!

Feeling much better now  . Now reading...

Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment by Susan Anderson

[Esilda]

.... more journalling tonight... time for deep thinking, reflections on love.

[Esilda]

In the process of creating a long list of books to help me with my own insecurities.

May as well be open about it.

That's the funny thing about being insecure, the very thing of being insecure means that I'm afraid to say that I'm insecure about the thing that I'm insecure about. Insecurity about insecurity is very common a thing that we're too afraid to talk about because we fear we won't be supported by our environment. UGH!

Work is going well, I've organised strict procedures for everyone to follow now. I've had to organise things from peoples rosters, their problems in their personal life that affect their job performance all the way to patient-nurse/doctor compatibility by getting a greater understanding of staff. I am very linear and organised in my approach when it comes to work. One of my roles involves thinking about all the possible hazards that face my fellow nurses in new ways and my boss said that he's raised many of my new recommendations to head-office now which I may detail about later. I do my best to provide a personal touch to my job lol, I'm always writing smiley faces and other kinds of personal drawings that isn't exactly professional though builds camaraderie and chemistry between me and the rest of my staff and patients. I try to insert as much of personality into my job as I can while subtracting anything that takes away from healthy professionalism. My job is like the rock in my life right now where everything else feels like its uneven and unbalanced, that's where I feel most safe where before when I was first starting it felt the most unstable. The chemistry that I've been able to build with others at my workplace has had a really big influence on my feeling safe and confident in making my job my rock, I feel that if I failed in social I would have failed in my job. We have work therapists that can help us through transitions though with everything that I'm going through I don't think it would have been enough. I wish I had someone like myself that my patients and staff have lol but this is my role to play right now I just need to learn how to balance all these plates and I will be okay! 

A week into the new month, officially my first new month of my new job!  

[Esilda]

My rock is now my job. It's lonely. However it's honest.

Deleted all my dating apps I can't stand the consumer dating culture where the sexes treat each other like objects.

It's so so so so so so so so shallow.

I talk to people from work I'm quite social. I'm not completely anti-social. It's not like I don't have friends though there's a missing piece inside waiting to be filled.

Edited April 7, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

OH MY GOD I FEEL SO VINDICATED RIGHT NOW!

I JUST KNEW IN THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART THAT I WOULD WORKOUT AND YOU’D SEE THROUGH HER!!! ??????????????

(that’s Alllllllll I’m going to say and I won’t say anymore on it… FEEEEESLING SPECIAL!!!! ????)

Edited April 8, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

 

 

Shifting from humiliation to vindication.

Lesson learned. 

 

 

 

Over the moon.

 

 

 

 

Will never come between two people again however I am so happy that I did this time.

 

 

 

 

Leave the past behind big boy never look back simply embrace the present and what you can create in the future.

 

 

 

 

Leave toxic people behind and focus only on what you can bring to the world as you have been doing.

 

 

 

 

I am.... SOOOOOoooo incredibly grateful right now!  WoooooooHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!  

 

 

 

New chapter. New beginning.

 

OHHH BOY!!!!! THE BEST MOMENT OF THE YEAR SO FAR SO SO SO SO SO SO Soooo happy will never EVER allow myself to be unwise like that again  .

 

I make a commitment to myself in this moment to always, ALWAYS treasure my relationships as they stand in the most esteemed way possible and I will encourage all those close to me to hold me accountable in this way  .

 

Meditation time for me now  , slowly weeding out all of my anxious tendencies so that I can act from a higher consciousness perspective as much as I can in my life  .

 

In a rush... Starting next shift and no lunch for the day yet  .

 

 

Edited April 8, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

Moderators now being contacted. 

Narcissist on the loose.

Narcissists try to hurt others reputations.

People need to be made aware.

[Esilda]

Sharing more of my private journal stuff…

I have felt so helpless my whole life that being in a leadership position had grown me in so many’s and yet taken away parts of my childhood self. I’ve been a victim a lot of my life, though haven’t we all. I am a gifted violinist, I always was, however I never had the courage to really pursue my talent far enough and so, I have ended up here as a nurse among nurses. I don’t even want to call myself a leader, as I don’t feel that way deep down. I have a sense of responsibility however a lot of it feels fake that I’m still learning to have feel authentic.

As I have said many times before about my childhood and general trauma, bad relationships including my family had been the root cause of my unhappiness that I now feel like I’m becoming…. More of a leader of. I realise how I used to just imagine so many reasons why I SHOULDN’T be happy as opposed to reasons why I COULD be happy and I feel the effects of doing more COULD’S in my life more and more.

We can creatively imagine ourself and life as anything if we want, this can hurt us or it can help us. In my job as a nurse, I feel the urgency of needing to always remember of also seeing how my patterns can negatively impact others.

This my refuge into self help books of late in this journal. I’ve downloaded maybe 20-30 odd new ones for my kindle.

My self esteem feels like wet shoes in walking about a lot though I am so much better than what I was many months ago.

My identity still needs so much work though because I have many codependent tendencies and many people pleasing tendencies that I’ve talked about in the past here that I’m still learning to get over and not continually lose myself in relationships.

I have stayed in unhealthy relationships in the past simply because I needed to feel needed and not feeling needed felt like death to my subconscious.

I have tried visualising myself as a highly sophisticated woman sometimes, who is independent and highly responsible through it only works for a time. I’m working with my therapist more on my coping techniques like these.

She tells me to focus on standards and values more than visions and to me this has helped me stay more grounded in the present moment in putting my best foot forward at work.

My relationship attitudes need a great big upgrade and I want to soak my mind with as much interesting thoughts as I can to open my world view in what is possible in having healthy loving relationships.

To just sit myself and not have to imagine someone else in my life brings me a great sense of inner peace like it never used to. That great deep seeded need of needing another to be and stay in my life is now slowly finding a better balance.

I am responsible for my life I realise this. I am responsible to perform my job to the best of my ability and not allow past unhealthy habits shape my outcome here and in my relationships. This is a new start for me and my promotion has truly been my big push there. Still difficult to really feel into, though getting there.

Here’s to not losing focus with my journal. Positive self regard at all times, thank you Carl Rogers my dear . Music as I say is coming back into my life more too. Community theatre is a possibility. Taking things slow there.

Edited April 8, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

Listening to the crickets tonight… nice and peaceful… I need to change my violin strings….violin strings bringing back memories though… Too much of

My life I have just simple accepted the status quo, I have been too submissive and allowed others to trample all over me. I have disrespected and disregarded myself and my values countless times, thankfully I can still manage to call myself a woman that still wants to live her life fully. This was too far from the truth earlier in my adolescent history in a hospital due to self cutting that I have been free of since I was age 14. Therapy in important times of my life has meant everything to me.

It feels so good to be liked by someone that I adore, though I know deep down my own adoration is my own remaining self loathing that I still need to work through.

I am an accomplished woman now and yet I still struggle with my own self image.

I have have had experiences which have really transformed me over the last year, that make me look back on my former self with a sense of pride in terms of how far I have come. I need to keep up my efforts to  it fall into dependent habits again where I put my own identity into someone else or something else including my job.

My job is my rock as I have said. However it can no longer be my sense of identity, I realise that this is also what my therapist is trying to point me towards.

My chaotic behaviour as a teenager…. I fell head first into the void of insecurity trying to cope with the sense of abandonment I didn’t even know I felt from my parents. This lost feeling of not even knowing that I felt I loveable. It’s no wonder that I can fall into dependent behaviours. This has all led me to this point where I journal to no longer to just save my own life from myself…. No… now I get to feel like I can create a life for myself.