(N,N DMT, not 5-MeO)   I can remember only one time, as a complete beginner, I came into an oval shaped room and some humanoid like beings were trying to teach me something with their hands. That was just a really interesting trip. I was "somewhere". Then after that I've had a lot of mild trips. Just the visuals. But the ones that were really strong always show me complete horror. I reasoned to myself that I always took just one hit too litle (2 instead of 3, as everyone keeps instructing) and I came into some waiting room and if I made a breakthrouth it would pass and I would come to complete bliss. Because of this sheer terror I could never get myself to smoke it more than once or twice a year. And each time it was the same. Showing me hell.   So I still have some old stash at for some years now, that I haven't really gotten to yet, and a few days back I decided to do it again, after 2 years. I wasn't scared, because I said I'm gonna go easy. I was actually excited for the first time. No jitters. To smoke a little, just to get those visuals. And I liked it, I wasn't scared of it anymore, so I smoked it for the last 3 days in the evenings. Every time putting a little bit more inside. I loved it, I actually just wanted to smoke it again and again, it was that good. So, yestarday I smoked some again and said I need more. Still in a daze I went to the table and put in twice as much as the last dose. It was a pretty neat I lighted it up, took it all in one long inhale. Waited 10 seconds, exhaled, and immediatelly knew this was it. That feeling when the trip just dawns on you. I laid back and it was strong as hell. Immediately I knew I took too much. But I didn't break through to some blissful dimension. I saw a women standing over me, not actually seeing her but feeling her and her voice, as she said "You've overdone it". Like a paramedic telling me this while we are driving in the ambulance. A similar thing happened some years before. In that trip I was also lying somewhere on the ground and some woman yelling at me "Look what you did!". It felt like I have brokend a large window of her street side shop and was lying in the glass in blood, just looking at her and not able to pick myself up. Like I was a drunktard who had a really really bad accident.   So now I'm left wondering about yesterday. Was this again just some space before that bliss? Or did I just jump over to some terror space again? All the while I knew I exist, and that "I am", perhaps I didn't know that I am the same person who I am here in this reality. Or perhaps I did. But no loss of ego I think. No complete loss of identity. It was just me - or should I say some person who did something bad, somewhere - with a woman looking over me and telling me I've overdone it. All this time I kept feeling shame for doing something bad and I was just powerless to the people yelling at me.   So. Should I put more in next time? I don't get it. Do I need first to get through some deep trauma in me, before it lets me visit the blissfulness? What?   I do have a lot of problem with shame and I haven't yet been able to resolve it in my life. Could it be that it is that's why it's taking me there? Is it a problem of just letting go somehow?   I just can't imagine taking a strong dose and actually getting to a nice place.   Any insights?