Personal Transformation

[Illusory Self]

Decided I am going to make an online journal for my own personal growth. I typically spend a lot of my time procastinating during my days, sitting around all day feeling numb while being addicted to digital devices. I want this to be a new beginning for me, I have been mentally masterbaiting in the self help world for years now. It just makes you feel worse as you know what you should be doing but don't take action. I am going to come up with a set of goals that I would like to achieve & take daily action on it. I have not experienced much of life & don't really find many things that I am passionate about. 

I hope this journal will help me try to see reality in a more optimistic way. As of late I have been dealing with a ton of self sabotage/negative thoughts which seems to further enhance procrastination. I know I can achieve so much more with this life, my intuition tells me that. When your mind sense of self is so hardwired into performing certain activities, you get used to it, putting yourself into a rut. I have a lot of inner work to do just to get my ego to a healthy state. Everyday I tell myself, "tomorrow will be different", but I am exactly the same day after day, because tomorrow never comes. You have to be so willing to change yourself to your very core.

I do think accountability is very important on this journey of personal development as it can provide useful emotional support when times get tough. I am almost 26 so I am still young to make a change in my life, I have a huge fear of getting into my 40's & 50's & still being in the same place but I will still be in the same place if I don't change. It's so incredibly easy to leech money off of others & be lazy all day, basically doing nothing. I want to become a high value man. Figuring out my LP is probably going to be one of my toughest hurdles as I have a huge lack in life experience but I will do 1 hour of Leo's LP course daily as it is better than doing nothing. Sometimes I feel conflicted on what I actually desire in terms of my own values but I think you have to start somewhere + you don't really know until you are living it. I am not going to try to do to much at once, otherwise that will lead to a burn out but I am going to try to document my days as best as I can, I know there will be ups & downs but going to try have a bigger picture. 

I will add more goals to the list as I come up with more. 

 

Goals

• Improve my game/socialization
• Figure out LP
• Eliminate negative habits (being addicted to phone ect...)
• Consistent meditative practices (1 hour daily)
• Put on more muscle mass
• Move into own place
• Consistent sleep schedule 
• Financial freedom
• Releasing childhood traumas 

 

Most important goals for me right now in order are

 

#1 Priority goals

1. Eliminating negative habits (nail biting, to much screen time, Procrastination ect.)
2. Consistent sleep schedule (11pm - 7am weekdays & 3am - 10am weekends)
3. Moving out
4. Figuring out LP 
5. Consistent meditation practice

 

Anyway, that's it for my first journal post! Onwards & upwards 

[Illusory Self]

DAY 1

7am - Woke up 

• 5 minute cold shower
• Brushed teeth
• 10 minutes of kegel exercises
• 1 hour of meditation (do nothing technique)

9:00am - Heading to the gym

• Been to the gym & did legs. Trying to currently heal my ongoing foot pain by doing stretches, was there for 1hour 50minutes in total. Went to the shop to buy some ingrediants to do cooking later on. Just had my after gym food, going to attempt to do 1 hour of work for my Dad's business. This is going to be hard as I have no work ethic, my mind is saying "i'd rather do nothing" but it has to be done in order for me to improve.

 

12:10pm - 1 hour of work without any distractions 

Somehow I managed to do 1 hour of non distracteed work. I found it to be very challenging, was mainly on moz looking at different backlink opportunities to grow the sites organic traffic. I found some good websites but I found it to be very challenging to come up a good email outreach template. I could not think of one but happy I did some work for once. Going to take a slight break now to do some stretching + get food before going into doing 1 hour of the LP course.

 

14:23pm - 1 hour of LP

Managed to do 1 hour of LP work, mainly just watching different videos. I did quite a lot of it in the past, decided to slightly tweak the words in my values list. Figuring out the zone of genius seems to be the hardest task for me, I cannot seem to figure out what I am good at. Going to give the exercise a go tomorrow & block out a 1 hour chunk of time. There are a few life purposes that I really want to do & feel somewhat of an inner conflict on deciding. Going to do 1 hour of a podcast now to improve my social skills.

 

16:00pm - 1 hour podcast

Did one hour of my podcasting, felt it was a lot more natural this week compared to last week. You learn so much about yourself just talking for 1 hour to a camera. Trying to perfect my delivery in social situations hence why I am doing this. Recommended by Julien. I notice my mind tends to not want to talk that much & it often goes off topic during the podcast, next week I will most likely just talk about how much week has gone instead of choosing a specific subject. Maybe I might just choose a subject & try to teach myself to talk about it for an hour. Not sure yet. 

 

17:23pm - 1 hour reading

Decided to do word assocation exercises for 10 minutes where you string a sentance from a word and then pick any word in that sentance but the last. Found it challenging on some of the sentances & found a lot of them were also quite repetitive. I did do 1 hour of reading Gandhi's autobiography which I am starting to quite enjoy. Doing it as part of the homework assignment for the LP course. Going to do some humour visualizations soon & take a bit of break before going out tonight to try & focus on my game

 

18:54pm - Did some other stuff.... 

Managed to do a 10minute journal entry into onenote. Going to try to learn the Cold draw technique so I can try to reach a full body orgasm. My goal is to install 20 minutes of practice daily. First off I need to grab something to eat before 8 however as I am doing IF. 

 

20:33pm - Time to go out shortly to work on my game... 

Dedided to try to learn the cold draw for 10 minutes instead of 20 as it is quite challenging feeling your testicles, learning to pull your sexual energy up throughout your spine. Kegel exercises & 10 minutes a day should suffice. I made some really nice cheese quesadillas with mozerlla. Currently trying to cut to 10% bf so not eating that much. Today has been a productive day, nervous about going out later however. Need to get over this approach anxiety. Going to do a 10 minute visualization of me going up & attracting girls before going out. I don't intend to get laid but would like to get up quite a few dates for next week as it will fit my schedule better.

 

Edit: Just got back from a rather unsuccessful night out. Did not do any approaches & went to a bar crawl meet up. I did practice some socialization with the meetgroup at the beginning but got quickly burnt out. I did not drink & was feeling incredibly sleep deprived to even want to socialize with others. Going to sleep now & will set alarm for 10am. Going to possibly go out tomorrow by myself. I think going to these meetup groups gives me an excuse to not learn game. This night is not even worth writing a field report about as I did not even do any approaches. I am happy I got some socialization in towards the beginning, just not enough. Was dancing doing fuck all for a very long time. So much harder when you don't drink alcohol.

Edited April 2, 2022 by Illusory Self

[Illusory Self]

DAY 2

9:00am - Woke up

Was lying in bed for an hour before I decided to get up. Had my alarm set for 10. Need to stop wasting time lying in bed doing nothing. It's just so comfortable though. Grandmother is going out in less than an hour so going to wait for her to go before starting my meditation. My plan is to clean up my desktop & laptop, such as lastpass. Organize bookmarks etc. 

Brushed teeth

5 minute cold shower

10 minutes of kegel exercises

 

11:57am - Organized some of the stuff in my lastpass vault, feels kind of a waste of time but I like to be organized on my digital devices. Going to do 10 minutes of word associations & 1 hour of meditation (do nothing technique).

 

 

13:39pm - Did one hour of meditation (do nothing technique). Seems to be more enjoyable, sometimes I would have eyes open during the sit. Would allow anything to appear in my conscious awareness without resistance. Did more kegel exercises & had a protein shake. Going to do a 1 hour reading session of the Gandhi's autobiography now. I seem to be feeling very tired today, most likely from last night. Probably sleep deprived. Debating whether to go out tonight or not. I do need to improve at socializing but it feels like such a damn chore.

 

 

14:58pm - Finished reading 1 hour of Gandhi's autobiography. I find a lot of the vocabulary rather confusing in it, makes me want to improve mine. A lot of the words in it I did not totally understand. I was feeling extremely sleep deprived so decided to take some modafinil & get some organizational work done soon. Going finish up with lastpass. Don't think I will do the Life purpose course today as I am not feeling up to it. 

 

 

15:40pm - Did some organizational work, briefly checked online dating apps. I always seem to feel very lonely a lot. I don't really have any friends I talk to which is probably the reason, I seem to want connection but most people reject me. On the other hand socialization can be a waste of time. It would be nice to have a few good companions though on which I can share how I am feeling. I crave love from others, disincluding my family because that is predestined love. I want real, true love. Someone to actually love me for me. I guess I shall just keep working on myself for now while keeping an optimistic mindset about the future. I am going to enjoy the weekends as more of a relaxation time for me. Time to get something to eat.

 

 

17:28pm - Got something to eat, did  humour visualizations as well as kegel exercises. Managed to get some stretching in for more painful foot. I also booked a class at my gym for showing me how to do the correct form on certain compound lifts. I am really passionate about building muscle so that could be a hint towards a LP of mine. I want to sculpt the perfect body, hope my foot pain eventually goes away though as it has been ongoing for years. Going to also learn to do some stretching routines in the near future, I feel way to inflexible. Youtube is probably my best bet. I may make it a goal of mine to read 1 wikepedia page a day. 

 

 

 

 

18:19pm - I tried looking at wikepedia, It looks way to confusing for me to start doing that now. I need to focus more on financial goals instead of educating myself. I will still educate myself but in different ways. Tried to do 10 minutes of the cold draw & could feel some sexual energy going up through my body but could it did not seem to go all the way to my brain. Going to do some stretches now & try to clear organize my computer more

 

 

 

19:27pm - Kind of feel like I am just wasting loads of time at this point scrolling through lastpass trying to organize everything into different folders, I did manage to delete passwords I have not used for a while. Was reading the actualized textbook for a little bit, inspiring. Still have quite a bit to clear out & declutter from my computers but think I have done a lot today. I will need to try and cement more of a clear vision for what my LP will be. It's so tricky because I have done the cause but still cannot wrap my head around what to do. I enjoy going to the gym and trying to build a consistent 1 hour daily meditation practice as of now. I do still need to work on game, gotta conquer the horrible AA. Will most likely try & go out tonight just to get better socially. 

 

 

 

 

19:55pm - Will possibly try to do 1 hour of LP course trying to figure out my zone of genius which I really cannot seem to figure out at all. 

 

 

 

20:21pm - Decided that I am going to try to go out tonight. I must go out to learn game though, no more being fearful of approach anxiety. Going to go out solo & socialize even if this is my worst nightmare. 1 hour of LP first though! 

 

 

20:52pm - I have tried to do the zone of genius exercise multiple times, I even ask questions about what i'm naturally good at but I just cannot come up with an answer ughhhh. Anyway Going to recite values & signature strengths for a while to memorize them. Going out solo shortly to practice pickup. 

[Illusory Self]

DAY 3

9:30am - Woke up at around 9:30 but was laying in bed until around 10:10 before I decided to get up. I went to sleep at 4am the previous night as I was out trying to practice game. I do not feel that tired today however. Had a cold shower, did 1 hour of do nothing meditation, kegel exercises, stretching. Have not checked my social devices until now. Going to look into doing some shadow work later on. 

 

12:40pm - Going to try take it slightly easier today, as I know if I keep going to hard to try to change myself, I may slide of track. I am putting a lot of mental pressure on myself to try to figure out my zone of genius & LP. 

 

14:33pm - Reviewed values & strengths, journalled, kegel exercises, spent some time on online dating sites, still feeling very lost & confused in life. Making a conscious effort to get better at it however. Going to do some cooking soon & 1 hour of reading. Still need to look into doing shadow work.

 

16:24pm - Managed to do some cooking, however I felt like I messed up a lot on the recipe. My grandmother helped me, I feel incapable of cooking by myself. The meal was some kind of tofu stir fry with rice. Seem to be getting into negative though spirals within my own psyche right now. Going to allow it as it is though & do not resist. I want to feel love towards others but I can barely feel any kind of emotion. I get anxious even expressing my own thoughts on a journal, not knowing how best to express my inner diologue. Time to do some more humour visualizations. 

 

17:46pm - Tried to do some reading but really cannot put my mind to it as a lot negative thoughts keep on bubbling up. In the future I will most likely need at least 1 day off a week where I can recharge. I feel like I am doing way to much right now, trying to enforce to many habits at once is not a good idea. Going to lay down & introspect, try to be kind to myself for all that I have achieved, sometimes I wish I could just cry. I put to much pressure on myself to even cry. The brunt of my internal suffering comes from having girls being attracted to me via online dating/girls looking at me when I go out but my internal confidence is non existent. I feel so close to having a good dating life but so far at the same time. I put so much pressure on myself when it comes to talking to the opposite sex that nothing ever gets said. The fear just feels unbearable, I don't even know why. I generally don't like talking about myself to anyone. This whole social domain feels to strange for me, I just want to quit it. I mess up 90% of the dates I go on. I don't understand it. Last girl I went on a date with said "the chemistry is not what I wanted it to be" but we vibed for like an hour - last 30 minutes I got drained & did not say much. She really seemed like my type also, I could of been her type if we got to know each other more but this all comes down to not being confident/leader/dominant. This shit gives me so much social anxiety... It's all so fake. Going to get Teal Swans completition process, I have some shadow work I need to do.

 

 

21:46pm - Listened to a lot of Teal swans book to do with shadow work. I am finding it very interesting & intend to implement some kind of practice soon. I am most certainly repressing certain parts of myself because I feel constantly unhappy and I don't like feeling this way, I have a lot of inner work that I need to do. I feel so disidentified from my sense of self that every action I do is a mask upon my true self, it feels large unconscious. I have trouble knowing who I am personality wise also. I need to raise my vibrational energy. Going to do some cold draw exercises now to master my sexual energy & then go to sleep. Tomorrow I intend to do a lot of work for my Dad's business as I think that needs to be put priority so I can get my finances in check. After that I need to move out of my family situation, living with my grandmother. 1 small step at a time...

[Illusory Self]

Don't think I am going to do this journaling everyday, it feels like a lot to cope with. Going to go at my own pace... has not been the best day today

 

[Illusory Self]

Seemed to have a very bad ego backlash yesterday, I was just in bed all day watching T.V. I tried to go to a kundalini yoga class but could only stay for 60 minutes as I am not very flexible and did not think it was for me. I have managed to keep up the 1 hour daily meditation practice & cold showers. I do more importantly need to build a work ethic though, it is currently non existent. The same as my financial situation. I managed to get back on my feet today somewhat, but I really need to figure out my LP. Just seem to have no idea on what I am actually passionate about. I chase the opposite sex to distract me, the same with technology. I just need to contemplate more on what I want to do with the short time I have in this universe. May put dating on pause for a little until I get a better sense of who I am.

[Illusory Self]

Have not posted on here for a while but I have not been in the best place, feeling better today however. I notice I feel a whole lot worse living up to other people's expectations of you & doing things just to please others. I went to see my Dad over in Ireland, it was nice to talk to him but at the same time I was wasting my days just so I could go back to sleep. I found it uncomfortable being out of my ordinary routine. I am back in the UK now but slowly becoming more conscious of how I am wasting most days.... trying to learn to love & appreciate the present moment of life. My mind always wants to get somewhere instead & not enjoying the experience. 

I decided to read Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg & going to start small. I really want to change certain routines in my life. I am going to celebrate each habit that I do. I need to journal more so I can express myself more clearly. It feels very hard being stuck in your own thinking.

Making a seperate post for the Tiny Habits transformation that I will be doing, I am only 26 & need to think more positively. Not many people my age know about personal development & self transformation. I must think more highly of myself to increase my own self worth & esteem. I try my best & I am not going to be so harsh or self critical for set backs in my life. i must love myself more, I must love others more. The inner critic is hard to deal with but love will heal everything. 

I have to be more kind towards myself, I don't currently have a career. My financial situation is not the greatest but I am in a first world country & have family around me that love me. I am loved by others but still feel lonely. I need to express self love towards myself. I am in a good position in life & need to stop comparing myself to others. 

It's all about how you perceive reality. 

[Barbara]

1 hour ago, Illusory Self said:

I am only 26 & need to think more positively. Not many people my age know about personal development & self transformation. I must think more highly of myself to increase my own self worth & esteem. I try my best & I am not going to be so harsh or self critical for set backs in my life. i must love myself more, I must love others more. The inner critic is hard to deal with but love will heal everything. 

I have to be more kind towards myself, I don't currently have a career. My financial situation is not the greatest but I am in a first world country & have family around me that love me. I am loved by others but still feel lonely. I need to express self love towards myself. I am in a good position in life & need to stop comparing myself to others. 

It's all about how you perceive reality. 

You got this