loss of a community after a breakup / panic of meeting them

[Hello1]

How do you deal with post-break-up loss of social circle / community / places to go / friends etc?

My breakup story in short :
6 months ago it was a traumatic breakup . I didn´t love him and it didn´t work, I stayed in the relationship for 2 years out of the pity, anytime I brought up the topic of how it doesn´t work and how we might need to end it , he became sad , angry and I cried because I´m too weak and so we kept going in circles. I was wondering why he wants to keep it when even sex doesn´ t really work.  Eventually he got bored of me, texted me one lazy chat message that its over and in 3 days fucked someone else and exchanged me. She was from our common social circle which I therefore lost.

I am lucky to have that out of my life, I learnt many lessons, for example to have a healthy level of selfishness in a relationship and not to stay just out of the pity because it will only backfire. However, it was still very traumatic and I haven´t fully processed it. The shock of being lied to, manipulated and cheated on is BRUTAL !!! That makes it impossible for me to go anywhere where I could meet him or her. And this is a small city. That social group is large (foreigners in my city, I used to socialize with them) and there are many places where I can meet them. I get extremely anxious in the city center because he lives there and even in his trams / buses. I keep looking around to see if any of the people is him or her. I keep wearing the covid mask even though we don ´t have to but I don´t wanna be seen. And it has been 6 months! I don´t think it is getting any better. I was even considering to move to a different city because of that. I lost half of the socializing opportunities and once I meet them I will not breathe through that. It is very humiliating.

This pattern actually repeats after my breakups. With my 1st boyfriend I got cut off the art community (it was 6 years ago and I am still impacted by that). With my second boyfriend I got cut off another community and with this one I got cut off from international community in my city. 
The emotions that I feel about that are very strong anger and very strong shame. 
SHame - I am ashamed of myself, of how she looks better or is better, of how I was naive and cheated on when everyone knew it etc... Ashamed in front of all those people, ashamed in front of him and in front of her.
Anger - angry at him (huge anger) for having taken my places and my scarce socializing opportunities.

What is the objective way to deal with that? I am a very emotional person so probably other people don´t have these kinds of problems? Or do you? Do you get swayed by shame or fear? What is the proper way? Even though rationally I know I could go anywhere I want, emotionally I am not able to.

Thanks a lot

Edited March 31, 2022 by Hello1

[Spence94]

Shame and fear often stems from our past. Without investigating the sources of this shame and fear, shameful and fearful situations will continue to manifest in the present. 

Interestingly and quite beautifully, when deep shame and fear is healed, as well as the many other emotions we harbor deep down, then the way that shame and fear manifests in the world begins to dissolve. The world is a reflection of your inner nature. 

Where there is opportunity can look like scarcity. 

Where there is scarcity, can begin to look like opportunity.

Focus inward, on your Self. Heal... your Self. 

You could move city again, perhaps it is needed at this time, and will give you fresh space, but it is not totally necessary, for it is the mark of a strong inner world to be able to remain in one place despite the changing impermanence and chaos of the external conditions. Either way is fine, but either way, you must look within your Self. You must heal your Self. Only then, will you transform your Self, and your world. 

Love. 

❤

Edited March 31, 2022 by Spence94

[Inliytened1]

@Hello1 for one thing what did you say earlier in your post?  You allowed him to still be with you even though everything went south  including the sex...because you were weak.

  What are you going to change from this experience?  Stop being weak. What I mean by this is don't be afraid to be yourself. Don't be someone you think would make him happy or others happy.  Be confident in you and that you don't need anyone but yourself because you love yourself and this will make you a strong person.  You need to have love for yourself first before you can make someone else happy

 

[Hello1]

@Inliytened1 good point. I am trying to organize my lessons and insights from this relationship and breakup and implement them. (I mean after deep realisations they will implement themselves, like Leo´s episode "awareness is curative", you know what I mean...) I try to work on that. Some things take very much time to change

Edited March 31, 2022 by Hello1

[Inliytened1]

1 minute ago, Hello1 said:

@Inliytened1 good point. I am trying to organize my lessons and insights from this relationship and breakup and implement them. (I mean after deep realisations they will implement themselves, like Leo´s "awareness is curative", you know what I mean...) I try to work on that. Some things take very much time to change

Listen I was weak for decades because I always wanted to make the other person happy while not looking in the mirror

 It's part of your growth.

[Hello1]

@Inliytened1 I do realise that actually, who hurt me was ME myself. I have hurt myself that is what happened. And the way to heal is to experience the opposite and therefore to love and respect myself. However I cannot decide whether the self-respecting and self-loving act would be to go to the places where I can meet them or the opposite, not to go.  I am good at theorising but when it comes to practicalities I am stuck

[Inliytened1]

16 minutes ago, Hello1 said:

@Inliytened1 I do realise that actually, who hurt me was ME myself. I have hurt myself that is what happened. And the way to heal is to experience the opposite and therefore to love and respect myself. However I cannot decide whether the self-respecting and self-loving act would be to go to the places where I can meet them or the opposite, not to go.  I am good at theorising but when it comes to practicalities I am stuck

Go where you please.  Do not let fear run your life.  If you run into them so what?  Who knows If they will even be together in 2 months? The guy sounded like a jerk to be honest lol.  His loss.  Hold your head high.

[universe]

Ask yourself: How would I handle this situation with utmost self-love? If you would totally love yourself. What would you do?

Maybe you got yourself in this situation because you actually love to make new friends, in new places. So this is a convenient way of cutting ties.

Or you put yourself into this situation because you want to feel some emotions that you have resisted for a long time - breaking the circle.

Whatever it is.

What would a person full of self-love do?