My Biggest Issue In Life

[Jesper]

Hello everybody.

I've found Actualized.org just a few days ago, one of Leo's videos appeared in the list of videos that I might like on YouTube. I recognized a lot of myself in what Leo was telling about himself. I'm also an analytical, rational thinker and an introvert. I've done some personal development work in the past but haven't been active with it for a number of years now. Leo's videos inspired me to really take this on for the long term.

Some parts of my life are great; for example, work. I am a freelance software developer and I love it. The thing I like most about it is the creativity: starting with nothing, inventing solutions, then building a piece of software and making it work as I had imagined. I've always been very confident with regard to work, and when I start working with new people they almost always are impressed and quickly recognize me as a knowledgeable expert. The demand for good software developers is far greater than the supply - it's easy for me to find well-paying freelance jobs. I consider myself lucky that I work in this field. At the moment I'm preparing to do something new: presenting a talk at a conference in about two weeks. I've never done public speaking for a large audience, but my self-confidence with regard to work is so good that I'm not anxious for it at all.

The one big thing in my life that is not good at all is finding a girlfriend.

I've not had a relation for a very long time and my confidence with regard to women is at rock bottom. So much so that I've totally given up on it and convinced myself that this is something that will never happen for me, because it's something that I just cannot do, because something is wrong with me, I am not normal, I have a personality defect that just makes it impossible. I've even convinced myself that I don't even want it anymore; I'm used to living alone and I'm happy this way, so I can just ignore this desire and go on living.

It even took me a while to admit to myself that if I want to work on personal development, then this is the biggest thing that I need to take on, despite the resistance I have to it. I could go on and improve other parts of my life, but it would really be disingenuous to myself to pretend that the girlfriend issue is something I can ignore.

Right now I'm not feeling enthousiastic about working on this, especially when I think about my experiences and failures in the past, but it just is the thing that is my biggest weak point and I can't ignore it.

I haven't been doing anything in the past two or three years, but some of the things I've done are:

• dating websites / dating agencies - had only a few dates which went awkward, conversation was shallow and boring
• speed dating - never had any matches, the conversations were very shallow and cliché
• membership of an activity club - with most activities I felt like an outsider, found it hard to connect to people
• forcing myself to go out alone - a disaster, feeling too anxious to approach women, ending up condemning myself and reinforcing my belief that I just can't do this

So, now I'm trying to figure out how to get started with this, in a way that is going to lead to results in the long term, instead of after a while quitting and convincing myself again that it's an unfixable problem.

What would be a good way to get started?
 

Edited February 11, 2016 by Jesper

[zenny]

@Lynnel bro lynnel, come here bro, your guidance might be required here. @Jesper jepser bro, connect with lynnel , because, I feel that lynnel can suggest something.

[Lynnel]

17 hours ago, Jesper said:

What would be a good way to get started?
 

@Jesper Watch : shift ( aka making a shift) by RSD Julien. It covers your issue entirly. 100%. From start to finish. Feel free to ask any questions once you're done

Also, I have started really really low and built myself up quite high, so I will tell you right away : it's doable.

It is doable. But there is a price. I will tell you a bit more about my journey so you can understand.

While in school, I had only 2 friends, and girls wouldn't even give me the cheek to say hi. I've never got a girlfriend till I was 20. I've had many many devastating hearthbreaks. After my break up, thinking I would never get laid again I got into cold approach pick up. And I got laid again. It took some time but I did it. I had litteraly the GREATEST experiences of my life. I won't spoil you, but you're gonna be amazed at the possibilities of life. AMAZED. You're gonna look at the sky in PURE AWE and thank god you were born. But, since progress is quite...painful...most of the time, you will be in pure pain and trauma and wish you could die. It's not easy. Here I've been gifted with optimism, and in the darkest times it helped me a lot, being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But the more you evolve, the more you overcome, the more happy, solid, and overall great you will be. And you will feel pride in what you've accomplished. I choose not to stay as I was because I felt truly miserable. What about you ?

Edited February 12, 2016 by Lynnel

[Jesper]

Thanks @Lynnel and @zenny. I'll lookup shift by RSD Julien.

Cold approach pick up... right now I have voices in me that tell me that something like that is totally impossible for me and that I should try something more easy. I know rationally that that's nonsense, but subconsciously it's baked into me that I can't do that. I have to find a way to reprogram myself.

I don't feel miserable about not being in a relationship, I'm not depressed about it - I've become used to living alone and other parts of my life are going great. But when I imagine myself on my death bed and someone asks me to look back on my life... I get a knot in my stomach when I hear myself saying that lots of things were great but that I've never found love. So deep down I feel that it's the biggest thing I need to take on in my life.

Thanks for your comments!

[Will]

Picking up on a few things here..

Nothing wrong with you but yeah you probably dont fit into the usual norm of what girls find attractive.. Or at least the girls you find attractive..

I am similar in the way that I find some types of girls attractive but they dont find me attractive.. I too am at that stage of saying do I compromise myself to obtain something which may be a dud any ways. Once we get what we want it isn't what we think..

Effort is a scary thing I can hear you want easier results, and they do exist but they are superficial and have little efficacy..

I would suggest a mulitprong approach..

1. get to the bottom of exactly what it is that you want with a relationship.. 
   1. emotional or sexual needs
2. do some short term things that helop you to superficially feel better
3. Dom some inner work to help you slowly but consistently get those needs met.

Some needs you may not ever be able to meet either internally or externally.. i.e swinging from a chandelier with a hot supermodel.

I guess even that is still doable but its then become a matter of how committed you are..

So I guess some awareness of just how far you are prepared to go and then be very clear about acting with according aggression.

 

cold approach is no different to talking to someone at the counter of a checkout.. I can see my mates who frame it different.. They expect something out of it.. and hence they sabotage the possible results.. Cold approach is the same as talking to a cousin or a friend from school.. no different.. You have to be really clear not to go in with the perspective that you need or want something .. You have to go in wuith the perspective of what would I like to give this sitautaion.. I saw a girl the other night and she was by herself so I went up to say hi and see if she was up for some fun.. I had no intention of getting anything out of her..

 

Well,

Do you admit your can become what ever you like??

Do you admit that your overestimating the effort required?? We all do it.. 

Do you admit some of your issue are that you have not developed the appropraite amount of fortitude to get over these issues..

 

So far all of these things are correctable

 

[Jesper]

Thanks @Will .

When I think about myself, one thing that is definitely playing a role in how I behave comes out of fear of being rejected, or what other people think of me, and especially with women that I'm afraid that she might think I want something from her when I approach her. The more attractive the girl is, the more attached I am to the outcome that she must like me and the more insecure and careful I'm being with that girl. That is definitely something that I will work on.

[Naviy]

I am 25 and I've been alone for my whole life, I am very convienced that finding a girlfriend is something that will never happen to me. Being alone is such a huge part of my character.

I've suffered from loneliness a lot in my teen years. But now I've switched to other priorities and I kind of don't want to waste my time thinking negatively about it.

I know that if I tried to improve this part of my life, I'd definetely have success. I am not poor, have a good job, my own flat, not ugly or stupid at all, I can discipline myself and teach myself how to meet new people and meet girls, I know that I can be attractive to girls etc. But I am not social, very introverted. Actually, there are more important personal reasons.

After all these years of loneliness I just do not feel enough motivation to start improving in pick up or relationships. I understand that I have a deep dissatisfaction and I have a lot of deep pain because I've never experienced what it is like - to be with another human. This path of improving in realtionships contains so much obstacles, fear, shame, that I do not find it worth of it. Also sometimes I think that it is too late for me, I have missed my train (I know this is not true). I understand that my life would be better if I forced myself to start improving in relationships, but I cannot motivate myself. It is not a matter of life and death to me anymore.

So. I don't know. I have two close friends right now and I do not feel lonely. One one hand, I have an inferiority complex because "everybody else" has been with a woman and I have not. Even idiots can have intimate relationships, and I, "such a great person" - cannot. It is "unfair" and used the be the source of a lot of inner suffering. On the other hand, I have different priorities right now, and I am developing so fast for the last couple of years.

Yeah, I am aware of that I've written a lot of bullshit. I just wanted to share. 

Edited February 14, 2016 by Naviy

[Will]

2 minutes ago, Naviy said:

I am 25 and I've been alone for my whole life, I am very convienced that finding a girlfriend is something that will never happen to me. Being alone is such a huge part of my character.

I've suffered from loneliness a lot in my teen years. But now I've switched to other priorities and I kind of don't want to waste my time thinking negatively about it.

I know that if I tried to improve this part of my life, I'd definetely have success. I am not poor, have a good job, my own flat, not ugly or stupid at all, I can discipline myself and teach myself how to meet new people and meet girls, I know that I can be attractive to girls etc. But I am not social, very introverted. Actually, there are more important personal reasons.

After all these years of loneliness I just do not feel enough motivation to start improving in pick up or relationships. I understand that I have a deep dissatisfaction and I have a lot of deep pain because I've never experienced what it is like - to be with another human. This path of improving in realtionships contains so much obstacles, fear, shame, that I do not find it worth of it. Also sometimes I think that it is too late for me, I have missed my train (I know this is not true). I understand that my life would be better if I forced myself to start improving in relationships, but I cannot motivate myself. It is not a matter of life and death to me anymore.

So. I don't know. I have two close friends right now and I do not feel lonely. One one hand, I have an inferiority complex because "everybody else" has been with a woman and I have not. Even idiots can have intimate relationships, and I, "such a great person" - cannot. It is unfair and used the be the source of a lot of inner suffering. On the other hand, I have different priorities and I am developing so fast for the last couple of years.

So. I don't know. I am aware of that I've written a lot of bullshit. Just wanted to share. 

Convinced, Ok based on what evidence??You will find its just your own misguided beliefs and the dogamtic standards set by society. Its not a fact. you can have or chose anything in your life..

I dont really believe in motivation.. I do belive in self awareness.. i.e. I laid in bed for ages this moring untill it ovccoured to me I could be doing something better that more aligned with what i was about..

 

Pehaps you need to understand better what you are about and expoand it a bit, and then you can see if the actions and thoughts you hold are congruent with that??

Loneliness is a reflection of ones opinion about how much interaction they feel is normal. There is no empirical standard for what makes one a loner.. Its only a cultural norm.. If you feel lonely maybe its because you have an inner desire to have more human friendships.. If you have accepted it then fine but if the tension is still there, you have to either deny it, accept it or do something about it.. up to you..

 

Impossible to ever miss a train that keeps on coming around in a cirle.. Nothing is ever to late. know why?? because now is still happening.. the life situation which passed by is gone sure but you still have now.. You will always have now until your dead, and who knows mabye even after that??

 

Close friends IS a relationship.. Its just not a sexual one!!

[Pallero]

On 11.2.2016 at 0:05 AM, Jesper said:

I've not had a relation for a very long time and my confidence with regard to women is at rock bottom. So much so that I've totally given up on it and convinced myself that this is something that will never happen for me, because it's something that I just cannot do, because something is wrong with me, I am not normal, I have a personality defect that just makes it impossible. I've even convinced myself that I don't even want it anymore; I'm used to living alone and I'm happy this way, so I can just ignore this desire and go on living.

This sounds so familiar! I was feeling like this for many years myself. I was crazy scared of men and in fact convinced that men are bad and wanted to hurt me, which came from some unfortunate childhood and adolescent experiences. I can tell you what happened then.

I also believed that a relationship is something that would never happen for me. I was so scared and frankly just didn't want it. I was really confused about what I wanted and what I was scared of. It was painful to even think about all that so I tried to convince myself that I don't want it and don't need it.

A few years passed in this pain and I was becoming more and more frustrated. I was miserable, jealous, angry and depressed. I couldn't talk to men, couldn't even be in the same room with them sometimes. Intellectually I understood that this was silly and something had to be done.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I decided that I have to do something, anything to make myself feel better. In time, I finally admitted that I did want a relationship. It was hard to admit, but it was an important first step.

I had a few positive experiences about interactions with men, which helped me to believe that maybe I could feel like that again.

Then I just went out and sought out interaction with men. I would pick a male cashier at a supermarket et cetera. I noticed my uncomfortable feelings. I also started meditating.

This wasn't easy and it didn't happen instantly. After a while I was ready to try dating. I created an online dating profile and went on dates with men. I was anxious, scared and even panicking most of the time, but as I noticed that nothing too bad happened to me, the experiences became less and less awful.

I still remember what it felt like when I managed to have a short conversation with a male acquaintance without panicking. It felt like a major personal breakthrough. I got a lot more confidence and will to go on.

The experiences with the opposite sex became gradually more enjoyable and almost as easy as it felt to talk to a woman.

But even after I overcame most of my worst fears, it took me about two years of dating and learning about what I wanted from a relationship before I finally found one that I wanted to stick with. I met a lot of dishonest, shallow and rude people. I was surprised to notice that many of them were very scared, just as I had been. I lost my faith and found it again.

Then I met my current boyfriend and fell deeply in love. What it feels like now was worth every nitty gritty nasty piece of emotional work I had to do to get here, and all the years of pain and suffering.

So from my point of view, I would say the following things. There's nothing wrong with you. Everybody deserves and can find a loving relationship. There are no shortcuts. It takes a lot of work but it's worth it.

Good luck!

[Jesper]

@Naviy  I am exactly everything that you describe (except that I'm 44 instead of 25).

I've been alone for a very long time, convinced myself that it's too late and never going to happen for me, but I know I'm intelligent, work and income is great, I own a house, I'm not ugly, and I'm also introverted and not very social. Life is going great in many ways and I'm not depressed but every once in a while I get this nagging feeling that there's a big part that I've been missing.

I've given up on getting better with relations because the fear and pain of really putting myself on the line seem too great. I also have felt inferior because everybody else has a woman and I don't - and indeed, it seems unfair that even idiots seem to have no problem at all getting girls while I have so much to offer.

But I also realize that when I want to work on my personal development, I cannot deny this part of my life. I would be dishonest to myself if I would continue to deny that this is something that's important to me. When I started working on my personal development, I didn't even have working on this in mind at all. But if I'm really honest with myself, I just can't deny it, despite all my thoughts that I don't need it and that I'll be OK without this part of my life. It's simply something I must take on, whether I feel like it or not, it's the thing I can develop and grow most in.

I am not going to lie about this to myself anymore!

@Pallero thanks for your perspective on this and how you've overcome it! That's helpful and inspiring.

[Will]

I just want to say how jealous I am that you can hear your nagging feelings. I have to work soo hard to hear mine.. thats a real gift to be able to hear those emotions.. good for you it put you way ahead of the curve.. 

Those nagging feelings are sooo usefull for keeping you on track and give you a real sense of purpose and direction.. enjoy it!!

 

[Jesper]

Here's a recent example of how I had this nagging feeling.

I was on holiday recently in a warm and sunny country, together with my parents. At one place there was a building project, where they were building holiday villas, it all looked great, some of those villas even have their own swimming pool. They are too expensive for me to buy, but I wasn't seriously contemplating buying such a villa - just dreaming of how it would be to have such a villa and live there.

The thought I got was: but what would I do with such a villa as a single guy? Go and live there by myself? I would be much happier if I'd have a girlfriend and we would have a great time living there together.

[Will]

Just be mindful of the difference between the actual feeling.. and the dreams, thoughts that follow it.. BIG difference..!! Dont trust me on this one you will discover for yourself.  Its really subtle but I get that you have a feeling about a life full of the things you are passionate about.. so far you've told me about the things you are passionate about and you've told me about what values you hold dear to you..

you love beautiful weather

family

safe secure environments

luxuries your ok in splurging on nice things in life

 you value , value, dreaming, practicality, happiness,companionship,. If thats what you truly value.. go for it..

You wont mind doing all the work required to get there.. awesome!! 

I am going to enjoy seeing you create this life.. keep us up to date!!