Not even basic shit together! Where to start?

[Hello1]

I am curious about outside opinions. Many areas of my life are lacking behind and I don’t know what to focus on.

Socializing (connection) / finances / sex and relationships / pursuing my passion / family / learning and education / mental health / looks and fitness
All those seem to go to hell. Where to start building my way up?

I am lonely, I try to organize events or post ads that I am looking for new friends but I struggle to find people interested in high quality friendships and worthwhile topics / activities. I try to fit in to random groups but I don’t see point in anything they talk about. I feel like my need for connection is screaming to be fulfilled. I am also pushing away friends subconsciously because I am embarassed to tell them about my job / finance situation.

I feel toxic with my family, I would like to keep distance but they give me money and it´s addictive to take it.

I am very embarrased to say that I am 29 years old and my longest job has been 3 months. I panic about going to work, I cannot stand people and wasting my time on anything that is not my passion. I am very introverted and unpractical. Only thing I can do is a cleaner job and I still suck at it. I am made for mental jobs but I don´t feel like pursuing any career because I want to paint, that is my passion. I don´t wanna waste my mental energy, I need it for my own insights and my rich inner world. I wanna paint, explore myself, my theories, fantasies and experiments. 

I have depressive periods very often and I am very anxious.

I cannot focus on my passion, because I am too anxious and deep down I know my life is not in order. I leave every project unfinished because I am too anxious, disorganized, stressed and distracted.

I dread going to work because painting takes unbelievably much time to learn, make progress, experiments, finished projects. Its unthinkable to have 2 days a week for it instead of 7 which seems so little anyways.

My mum is spoiling me, giving me money and its very hard to say no. In my country with my skills and education (zero, I never finished anything) you actually earn 3 - 4 eur  / hour which is laughable and my mum works in Vienna so its easy for her to give me money.

I have been a cleaner for a few months, I sucked at it although tried hard and I was a shop assistant and sucked as well. (my boss still saw and used my excellence at coming up with ideas and I brought much value in this. He implemented several of my ideas in his shop and I keep giving him ideas for free anytime I enter now as a customer) I don´ t wanna waste my mental energy to learn new skills for a career I am not even interested in, I´d rather be a cleaner or kill myself. In fact there were times when the only thing keeping me alive was my practical inability to kill myself because I m so impractical.

I was a very good student in my school / academy times. I can learn a language on my own in 3 months to a B2 level - not depending on a book (have done that with Polish and German), I have studied translation but I left, I wasn´t very interested in it. I am not stupid and people tell me I should do something better than cleaning, however I am not interested in anything. I wanna paint. I have applied to 6 art academies in the past and got to all of them, in one of them (and also in art high-school) I was the best (first) applicant (best results in entry "exams" - painting tasks.) I am just saying that to prove that I am not kidding myself. I tried two of those academies but left both for various reasons, I couldn´t fit in with the group, I didn´t respect the teachers and I was getting depressed.

My strong points are - fantasizing/ brainstorming/ imagining possibilities/ theorizing about impractical abstract concepts / I am also a natural therapist and a good listener / and I absolutely love to paint -- it seems like all those are hard to monetize.
I suck at - generating results / sticking to one vision / anything physical or practical.

I think I have aversion towards setting goals because I have repeatedly failed. 3 years of hard study of a field I don´t care about and then quitting / learning German to work in Austria and after 1 month of work quitting / learning Polish to study in Poland and after 2 months of study quitting / AND MORE... I am very burned out. I don´t wanna risk having any more goals.

My sketchbooks are full of ideas, I go to galleries and see that I could do the same or a better job as those exhibiting artists (my "colleagues", ex-classmates...) if I only had peace, time, money, space and practical mindset.

I am spiraling down every year more and more. I am burnt out and pushed to find a job. (mostly pushed by embarassment) I tried many times to tell myself that I will take few more months with no job and try to make some paintings, some portfolio, but honestly its hard to focus in this chaotic life and I don´t even have a studio, only 10 square meters of my room in a shared flat and in those 10 square meters I eat, sleep, dress, paint, and store everything. I never keep the artificial deadlines I create for myself to deliver results. I don´t know if I am too easy or too hard on myself, it feels like both. Burnt out or a lazy shit?

 I even bought Leo´s Life purpose course but no time to do it now. I am all stressed.

All the other areas of my life suck too. I feel pressure to fulfill my need for sex and relationships, just because I have completely neglected this one in the past and as a 29 yr old my looks is starting to worsen  I am also recovering from a traumatic breakup where I was cheated on. Ahhh all areas suck at once!

Although this sounds like I only complain, I only do it to explain my situation in this post. I wake up daily with a new hope. I can be as excited and fascinated with life, as stuck and stressed I am. I love life, my blurred visions, my fantasy world and I see beauty everywhere. I wanted to mention that to compensate for the negativity and it is true. I have millions of ideas and also insights daily. I organize them, I journal, introspect and brainstorm daily. Organizing my personal values is my flow state. This plus painting takes all of my time but none of that earns me money.

Where would you start to build my way out of this rabbit hole? I feel like I have wasted so much time already and job will waste the rest of it til I die.

Thank you.

Edited March 31, 2022 by Hello1

[Razard86]

16 minutes ago, Hello1 said:

I am curious about outside opinions. Many areas of my life are lacking behind and I don’t know what to focus on.

Socializing (connection) / finances / sex and relationships / pursuing my passion / family / learning and education / mental health / looks and fitness
All those seem to go to hell. Where to start building my way up?

I am very lonely, I try to organize events or post ads that I am looking for new friends but I struggle to find people interested in high quality friendships and worthwhile topics and activities. I try to fit in to random groups but I don’t see point in anything they talk about. I feel like my need for connection is screaming to be fulfilled. I am also pushing away friends subconsciously because I am embarassed to tell them about my job / finance situation and they always ask of course.

I feel toxic with my family, I would like to keep distance but they give me money and it´s addictive to take it.

I am very embarrased to say that I am 29 years old and my longest job has been 3 months and I  panic about going to work, I cannot stand people and cannot stand wasting my time on anything that is not my passion. I am very introverted, very unpractical and have social anxiety. Only thing I can do is a cleaner job and I still suck at it and they will throw me out of there anyways. I am made for mental jobs however I don´t feel like pursuing any career because I want to paint, that is my passion. I don´t wanna waste my mental energy, I need it for my own insights and my rich inner world. I wanna paint, explore myself, my theories, fantasies and experiments, my inner world. Completely impractical but that´s what I wanna do.

I have depressive periods very often and I am very anxious.

I cannot focus on my passion, because I am too anxious and deep down I know my life is not in order. I leave every project unfinished because I am too anxious, disorganized, stressed and distracted.

I dread going to work because painting takes so freaking much time, unbelievably much time to learn, make progress, make experiments, make finished projects. Its unthinkable to have 2 days a week for it instead of 7 which seems so little anyways.

My mum is spoiling me, giving me money and its keeping me stuck, its very hard to say no. In my country with my skills and education (zero, I never finished anything) you actually earn 3 - 4 eur  / hour which is laughable and my mum works in Vienna so its easy for her to give me money.

I am a completely unpracticle person, I cannot do anything , I suck at every job, I have been a cleaner for a few months, I sucked at it although tried hard and I was a shop assistant and sucked as well. I don´ t wanna waste my mental energy to learn any new skills for a career I am not even interested in, I´d rather be a cleaner or kill myself sounds much better. In fact there were times when only thing making me survive was my practical inability to kill myself because I m so impractical.

I am very different than a regular cleaner / job assistant. I am clever, I was a very good student in my school / academy times. I can learn a language completely on my own in 3 months to a B2 level - not depending on a book (have done that with Polish and German), I have studied translation but I left, I wasn´t very interested in it. I am not stupid and people tell me I should do something better than cleaning however I am not interested in anything. I wanna paint. I have applied to 6 art academies in the past and got to all of them, in one of them (and also in art high-school) I was the best (first) applicant (I mean best results in entry "exams" - painting tasks.) I am just saying that to prove that I am not kidding myself. I tried two of those academies but left both for various reasons, I couldn´t fit in with the group and I didn´t respect the teachers and I was getting depressed.

I am very stressed, anxious and don´t know what steps to take. I am spiraling down every year more and more. I am burnt out and pushed to find a job. (mostly pushed by embarassment) Will it help me or will it kill all my painting chances? I tried many times to tell myself that I will take few more months with no job and try to make some paintings, some portfolio, but honestly its hard to focus in this chaotic life and I don´t even have a studio, only 10 square meters of my room in a shared flat and in those 10 square meters I eat, sleep, dress, paint, and store everything. Although I create an artificial deadline for myself to make some results, I never keep it.

 I even bought Leo´s Life purpose course but no time to do it now. I am all stressed.

All the other areas of my life suck too. I feel pressure to fulfill my need for sex and relationships, just because I have completely neglected this one in the past. 

Although this sounds like I only complain, I only do it to explain my situation in this post. I wake up daily with a new hope and I try and try to dig my way out. I can be as excited and fascinated with life, as stuck and stressed I am. I love life, I love my blurred visions, I love my fantasy world and I see beauty everywhere. I wanted to mention that to compensate for the negativity and it is true.

Where would you start to build my way out of this rabbit hole? I feel like I have wasted so much time already and job will waste the rest of it til I die.

Thank you.

This is a lot to unpack. I'm at work right now but I will try to address each point you make when I get off. But for a preview of what I will say the theme will be this....don't be so HARD on yourself. You are fine RIGHT NOW as you are. You were born into this world happy, and curious. As you went through life people who were weary, sad, angry, and frustrated with life filled your mind with thoughts, emotions, and beliefs and as a result you took on their burdens as your own. These things have weighed on you and are responsible for why you feel the way you are and why you are the way you are. Your frustration is not what you think it is, it isn't to fix your situations, its to return to your core essence before you took on those burdens that others placed upon you.

We all understand this intuitively as it is often phrased as "finding  myself." The term life I believe is an ANAGRAM for L (Look) I (Inside) F (For )E (Explanation). Do not worry how you feel has been shared by EVERYONE. It is often termed imposter syndrome as not feeling authentic. I will share more when I get some more time. But you are at this moment exactly who you need to be, and have something to offer that nobody else can offer which is your unique perspective. You are amazingly unique, and all that has happened is you have lost track of this. I will share more of this when I have time. Thanks for sharing!!!

[Terell Kirby]

When it doubt .. take action.

Make a list of things you want to improve, then come up with 2-3 immediate actions you can take for each.

Nothing will change without deliberate action. You don't have to get it right the first time, just do something so you can get out of your funk. Momentum is key.

Edited March 30, 2022 by Terell Kirby

[Yarco]

Maslow's hierarchy seems like as good a place to start with any.
Start with the bottom row - Air, water, food, shelter, sleep, clothing. Sounds like you have these fairly well covered.
Next up safety - personal security, employment, resources, health, property. It sounds like this is the first place to start doing some work, particularly in regards to employment.
Next love and belonging - friendship, intimacy, family, sense of connection.
Then you can worry about Self esteem, respect, freedom,etc
I don't know if one is necessarily a prerequisite for the next though. I think you can make friends in your spare time while looking for a job.

You seem to have a lot of negative self-talk going on, and negative opinions of yourself. If you think negative things, then don't be surprised when you get negative results. Try to be positive and optimistic for a week and see what happens. Especially don't let yourself be negative about yourself.

Don't let your insecurity and embarrassment dictate how you think people will respond, before you even give them a chance. Be vulnerable with new people. Share your weaknesses with them, how you haven't been able to keep down a job, etc. You might be surprised at how understanding and supportive most people actually are.

Don't tell yourself that you suck or that you can't do anything. Maybe you just weren't a good fit for those past jobs. Leave past jobs in the past, and look at new jobs as a clean slate and a fresh chance to prove yourself.

I listened to this today and it sounds like it might be relevant for you:

 

[Rigel]

What is your screen time? If you cut almost all of it it's very doable to work 40hrs/week and still dedicate 3/4hrs to your art on week days and even more on week-ends. (assuming you don't eat garbage and actually have energy to do that) 

Probably handle your finances first because it will give you freedom for the other lines of développement. 

[aurum]

3 hours ago, Hello1 said:

Where would you start to build my way out of this rabbit hole? I feel like I have wasted so much time already and job will waste the rest of it til I die.

 

I’d consider some basic meditation if you don’t already. Maybe just a few minutes a day. That can create a healthy foundation for you to build off of.

[lostingenosmaze]

If you are serious about being a painter (and it looks like you are), you will probably get the most mileage out of Cal Newport's books Deep Work and So Good They Can't Ignore You, along with Mastery by George Leonard. Check out the reviews for those books, see if it's worth a purchase, and make you get some real applications out of it.

I deeply relate with your family/friends situation and have considered posting my own topic asking for help on this issue, but after some contemplation I realize I'm going to have to "put up with it." Try taking small steps to strengthen your current bonds, initiating small talk, helping your mother more around the house, or calling up your friends to simply catchup on things. And make sure you are genuinely interested in these people enough to do it, unless you have some legitimate reasons to become so distant you at least owe it to your mother for aiding you finiancially.  If you're coming out of this rabbit hole you gonna need to think holistically here: how can you have a healthy intimate relationship if you can't maintain the love for your friends and family?

[Hugo Oliveira]

A regular coach/therapist can be good for you.

I would suggest writing down your bigger values, intentions, and priorities with all possible (easy and hard) steps you can give towards them.

Use your feelings to guide you through the methods and actions which look doable and coherent. As you are a sensitive person and a good therapist, you can probably do good research without and within yourself to find the real and adequate tools. But it should be constant and honest, not just mental masturbation. You probably failed in the past for being superficial, and not using your undeniable creativity in your favor. 

Please, be careful and challenge the negative beliefs you hold about yourself. We all have limitations, but you have to know what is really true about you and what is BS. Check it! Don't take for granted things like "I cannot do anything", that's a lie. 

And please, don't be harsh by judging yourself. Life can be complicated in many ways for many people. Although your situation doesn't look "normal", it is. By reading your text, I see that you have intelligence, imagination, and a good intention. This is A LOT. 

 

[Leo Gura]

9 hours ago, Hello1 said:

I feel toxic with my family, I would like to keep distance but they give me money and it´s addictive to take it.

I am very embarrased to say that I am 29 years old and my longest job has been 3 months.

I'd start here.

Get to work on handling your career/finances and become independent of your toxic family. This would be a huge achievement and create a foundation for everything else.

[LastThursday]

11 hours ago, Hello1 said:

Socializing (connection) / finances / sex and relationships / pursuing my passion / family / learning and education / mental health / looks and fitness
All those seem to go to hell. Where to start building my way up?

By being strategic. 

Sit down, breathe, and start thinking about what the most important thing to fix is, right now. Maybe it's money, maybe it's looks, maybe it's sex, maybe it's connection. Choose one of those things to work on first.

Being strategic includes these things:

1. Coming up with new ideas.

2. Commitment.

3. Taking action.

4. Doing some unpleasant, boring or repetitive tasks. Be prepared for those.

5. Regular review and introspection to make sure you're getting closer to your goals.

It will take a different mindset from the one you're used to. But I can sense that you have a strong desire for positive change. 

[Michal__]

Maybe I'm projecting but when I sucked at everything what helped me the most was concentration meditation, modafinil, reading lots of books and witchcraft.

I wouldn't recommend to waste your time with going to university. You said you studied one for three years and then didn't finish - why the hell would you try to spend another three years there when you've already learned most of the stuff that you can learn from there.

You just need to learn to build your own business. If you have any rich friends (preferably those who've built their own businesses) try to talk to them and get some advice.

Once you have basic finances handled you can focus on relationships etc. (I'm not saying you shouldn't have friends right now, but it probably shouldn't be a top priority when you don't have the basics handled).

[emptiness dancing]

❤ Byron Katie - Jobless in this Superficial World ❤

[BuddhistLover]

19 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

I'd start here.

Get to work on handling your career/finances and become independent of your toxic family. This would be a huge achievement and create a foundation for everything else.

@Leo Gura out here doing God's work. Working hard and building a career is number one priority in life. Friends, philosophy, sex all comes secondary to Finances and career. 

Edited April 1, 2022 by BuddhistLover

[Prakhar]

What advice would you give to yourself?

[Ulax]

Hiya, thanks for sharing all of that.

Some thoughts that came to mind for me.

I would recommend getting involved with some sort of depth psychotherapy. 

Also, a meditation practice may serve to ground you.

Further, re your career, perhaps looking into art psychotherapy might be something that attracts you.

Edit:

Also, going to Leo's 'Start here' videos could be really useful (especially the foundational ones). Just understanding, and taking in the self-actualisation theory (both intellectually and emotionally) is a powerful first step. I'd recommend taking notes as you do.

Edited April 1, 2022 by Ulax
New thought

[itachi uchiha]

Start reading the books from leos book list

In the actualized home page leo has a section called start here.go there and start watching the videos

Start meditating.

[StarStruck]

Focus on doing, not on thinking or having. You can realize it now or wait until things get very dire and realize it then.

I recommend the book "The Obstacle is the Way"... your emotions will tell you what you are avoiding, find it, and face the problem.

Most people don't want to do the emotional labor but there is no way around emotional labor. Nobody can do it for you.

[KoryKat]

@Hello1 damn I feel this too , ENFP problems aye??

 

Here is what got me going in a spiral upwards last year before winter depression... 

 

Was living in my van , got a gym membership  (after watching Superhuman World of the Iceman) and I would wake up, go do Wim Hof 1-3 rounds in the gym, alternating with HRV-Coherence 4-7-8 breathing (until positive flow-state) , and I did a light workout 0-30 minutes , and finished with cold shower (gradually increasing time of cold).

Rinse repeat daily

I swear the Wim Hof breathing and cold showers are DOPE, and it seems to me a Gym Membership is the best place to start (so you can get around people, i always talked to the workers A LOT, basically like using them as therapists lol) 

 

I have regressed now, but starting to turn it around again, i think what I am doing is 'Letting Go' of my present identity, and reimagining who I want to be, as my new present identity... And of course , leveraging any kind of intimate human experience I can get. (Unfortunately my parents/family are all DRY AS FUCK, so they have only told me to go get help and cant realize they could be the help if they knew how to just fucking be real and connect empathetically/genuinely)

 

 

 

[EternalForest]

Can you share your art?

[Philipp]

Can definitly relate, I even like to paint like you do.

Things if found good:
" Organizing my personal values is my flow state. "
 

I don't really want to give advice, since I have similar struggles you do, so keep that in mind. 

"it seems like all those are hard to monetize." this could be a false limiting belief. What about comission painting? there also a lot of painting on tiktok. This could be a good way to find some audience. finding clients is key, especially if you think your painting is good already. Maybe find a niche in painting or maybe you already have one (can be easier to find clients that way). what about teaching children or adults to paint? what about game art, lot of money there? what about nft art (it's more of a hype, but there was/ is a lot of money to be made there. what about creating painting for restaurants or exhibiting your paintings there at least. 

And don't forget to be kind to yourself. Even if you think your problem is only a practical one, it probably is also an emotional, mental one. Listen to your negative thoughts, get to know them. accept yourself. accept your path. 

Since you have lots of imagination, you may also be an idealist/ perfectionist (just a guess, sorry if this is not true). Just in case accepts that your situation is not ideal. your path is not ideal. your art is not ideal. your job is not ideal. your family is not ideal. your mind is not ideal. 

BUt hey I struggle too with that, but I don't even know what my passion is, so you got one foot ahead of me