How to not give hate back?

[selfvalley]

What should be my motive for having a mindset to not give hate back?

I started changing as a person very noticably in terms of personality and looks and I feel like everyone around me including friends and family are just judging me or even insulting me for changing my looks and habits.

I wanna be kinder to others but how can I do it when people just bring me down in this way and I get this urge to just tell them to "fuck off" or just insult them back and I'm holding it back but it feels like the anger in me towards that person just keeps staying in me and on the outside I just act that I'm unfazed.

[Kksd74628]

@selfvalley

There are many things you could do including learning to accept that you were hurt and therefore you wouldn't need so much anger to cover the damage that was taken, showing yourself as independent and not caring about other people criticizing and just straight telling your own opinion and if they do not participate in mature conversation, you could just say that, no thanks I don't want more opinions to this thing. Just remember that you shouldn't make saying "no thanks" your new way to defend your ego from good criticizing, because without that you couldn't ever grow as human.

[Chakra Lion]

I would create space between the people who don’t support you. Don’t let them into your thought and emotions if they seem to mostly bring you down. 
 

It’s going to take strength to be insulted without trying to fight back, but that is the only way. You cannot fight fire with fire. You have to turn the other cheek and let them hit you again. Then maybe you will realize that you are the one that can separate yourself from darkness. Darkness will not stop attacking you until you separate from darkness. 

[Prakhar]

Outer work can only help so much. Hate comes from misalignment from Truth. Do the inner work of finding the love within. Your compassion and sense of unity and oneness will rise. Then you can direct this love towards anyone including yourself. In Absolute Truth, all judgment is self-judgment.

[Grace Love]

Dear Selfvalley.

I am very new to this forum and was drawn to your question, as I too have been struggling with this at times. What has helped me, and I am not saying, I am over this yet , was to stop resisting what I was experiencing / feeling (be it the sadness or the anger) and then I was observing it. The observation was followed by self-reflection and what I noticed was the pain in others (and/or mine) as if I was able to tap into different perspectives of other people. For example, the people who noticed and commented on my change could have been in discomfort with my change. Many people find the change uncomfortable, even if it relates to others. So when you change and they are used to the 'old' you, which made them feel safe because they knew what to expect, etc. now the new you is new to them, so they may feel uncomfortable and express that discomfort in the way that they can, not necessarily in the way that you would choose right now. Things change... Also, I noticed that some people actually were uncomfortable because they were angry with themselves for not changing and yet they see you making the choice they did not... they let themselves down and that anger that you feel is actually theirs but projected through you. It has happened to me. So on one hand, it is mine, as I feel it, but on the other hand, it is theirs, as it does not make sense to be mine. Knowing that one is another me, it all makes sense from a bigger perspective.

To recap, I learned to be patient with myself and others. It is not always easy to catch oneself with thoughts and feelings and then stop them, but the moment you are able to notice it, you already made a huge step to 'disengage' and 'separate', and are able to witness it, rather than 'be in it' and be 'driven by it'. Once you can witness, you have a choice of how to respond. I say, for example, 'I am noticing something inside of me when I hear the words you say, I would like to address that a bit more, as it is important to me, and I really wish to be present to your needs. However, I feel really distracted by this feeling inside right now. Could we get back to this conversation once I process it all and understand what is happening inside of me, please? " What this allows, is for you and the other to reflect without judging and attacking. Often people do not want to continue, as they either realised that their words impacted you, or they choose to react in a way that is not helpful. I choose to accept and respect where people are at and their choices. We are all wonderefully unique. Celebrate your uniqueness I say :))

Much love, hope this is helpful to one degree.

Grace

Edited March 29, 2022 by Grace Love

[Spence94]

@selfvalley You need to investigate what this urge to tell them to fuck off is and what this sense of hurt and upset at peoples judgments and criticism of you is. Perhaps there are experiences in your childhood that have left this anger in you. A present moment mindset shift probably won't last, you need to investigate the trigger. Once you shine awareness on the source, changing the attitude will be much easier. Until then, you'll keep slipping back into being triggered and telling em to fuck off. 

As for a motive, ask yourself, how do you honestly feel when you tell people who have hurt you to fuck off? Does the sense of pleasure it provides last? Is there suffering associated with this attachment and trigger?If there is, do you want to keep suffering? Do you want to keep potentially making other people suffer with your rage?

 

Edited March 29, 2022 by Spence94

[gettoefl]

their hate is needed to test how awake you are

you need more work

to become untouchable unflappable dispassionate empathetic

when you bring awareness to the lion's den you will be indifferent to whatever malice is hurled at you

indeed you will be an agent for transmuting their negativity into civility

sticks and stones break my bones and words they never hurt me

[selfvalley]

Thank you to everyone that shared their insight. I look forward to become more nice to people even if they attack me or want to bring me down because I've felt that attacking back will not make things better but just give me short pleasure while creating even more hate between me and them. I will continue to contemplate this.

[Jordan]

It will help to realize that when they are putting you down, they are just trying to do their best to live their best life. They might not feel comfortable seeing you change and want to deter you from it. If you are nasty to them, it will make you feel worse and make the situation worse. Try to see people with compassion and that they have no choice but to act the way they do based on their values and conditioning. If you look at it from this perspective you should feel more compassion than anger.

[itachi uchiha]

read the book 33 strategies of war and 48 laws of power. u need to put have some counter attacking muscles or u will be walked all over

[SOUL]

@selfvalley  If one clears up their own misery by ceasing the inner conflict of their own self there is no angst generated so there is nothing that will be turned onto others.

Being at peace robs the dynamic of it's pain so it doesn't express the emotional behavior with personal animosity into the story of the experience.

In peace there is an ability to coexist without the malice that intolerance breeds.

[Yog]

One thing can be to practice giving, without taking.

Do not expect anything from any interaction, observe and accept what has played out.

You can willfully give your energy, and willfully not give it, hate can only sprout when you are unconsciously trying to get energy from others but you are not getting any, or maybe you are expecting a specific batch every Tuesday. That is a blueprint for disaster.

Better way would be to get your energy internally, and own it, that way you won't be a slave to the vampiristic way humans are used to function.

If you do so you will have extra energy to share, so you won't have a problem with giving something and expecting nothing back. It takes some work to get there ofc.

Edited April 2, 2022 by Yog