I hit on other woman while in a serious relationship

[kray]

I LOVE my girlfriend, her role in my life and our emotional connection. Nothing will ever change about that. But I do miss the chase of talking and flirting with other woman. I occasionally hit on other woman, make flirty comments here and there behind her back. Again, I am not trying to sleep with these woman, but there is a certain fun in just flirting with other woman, its just really fun. But on the other hand I don't ever see me cheating or breaking up with my girlfriend. Am I being a scumbag?

[Federico del pueblo]

5 minutes ago, kray said:

I occasionally hit on other woman, make flirty comments here and there behind her back.

So what is something you might say?

I think it still makes a bit of a difference whether you say 'haha you're cool' with a flirty smile or if you say 'I'd fuck the shit out of you, if I didn't have a gf' right?

[kray]

Just now, Federico del pueblo said:

So what is something you might say?

I think it still makes a bit of a difference whether you say 'haha you're cool' with a flirty smile or if you say 'I'd fuck the shit out of you, if I didn't have a gf' right?

I've joked to a virgin female that "I'd totally take away your virginity, but I'm taken so you won't get that luxury  "

[somegirl]

@kray this is exactly what I wouldn't want the most when I'm in relationship with someone.

5 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

'I'd fuck the shit out of you, if I didn't have a gf' right?

Of course that would be a deal breaker, I don't believe he flirts that way, but flirting is still.... Stepping into risky territory. Because where do we draw a line?

Edit: Nevermind lol

Edited March 28, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

4 minutes ago, kray said:

I've joked to a virgin female that "I'd totally take away your virginity, but I'm taken so you won't get that luxury  

How would you feel if your gf told some random guy "I'd let you f me now but I have a bf so you won't have that luxury"

[kray]

Just now, somegirl said:

How would you feel if your gf told some random guy "I'd let you f me now but I have a bf so you won't have that luxury"

I know  I just feel like a total scumbag. If I didn't love her I would not care not feel anything about it. But I do, we've been together for 2 years now, and our relationship gets stronger by the day. For me, I've always seen pickup as a tool for social/personal development, and a way to tackle my social anxieties. It's just that she's in nursing school now, and we've pretty much been doing long distance. While most of my social anxiety has been tackled over the past five years since I started college, I still have an urge to develop myself socially. In a way, saying such things allows me to build my own confidence and social intelligence to new levels. I know its scummy, and I would feel deeply hurt if my girlfriend did such a thing too. So I that's why I've been controlling that urge. It doesn't come from a place of wanting to fuck her, but putting myself in a position of high tension. In a way, I like the adrenaline that comes from that, not the result.  

[Hello1]

Talk to her about this. Just like you write it here to us. Maybe even show her what you wrote here. That you would never cheat on her but you feel this need to flirt. Ask her whether she thinks this need is normal / healthy etc... Wonder about her opinions on that. Care about her opinions on that. Then if she has an emotional reaction to that , endure that emotional reaction and wait til it passes. She deserves to express her emotion because every emotion is valid. Even if it´s anger, sadness or whatever. Go through the emotion with her and support her in it and once you can communicate rationally again, come up with some solutions or leave this problem open. Leave it open and add any insights / thoughts later on. I think this is the way to solve problems in relationships. To explore together what the healthy relationship is, what the biology wants, be brave, honest, loving, open-hearted and truth-seeking. 

You can be ALWAYS honest in a relationship no matter what the truth is. The only case when honesty would actually hurt me long-term is if a guy told me he finds someone more attractive physically so he is leaving me, especially parts of my body that are my insecurities. Anything other than that is good. Not only good but necessary in my opinion if you wanna have a real deep worthwhile relationship or friendship with someone.

I got hurt by dishonesty and I learnt that I absolutely only accept honest deep relationships in the future. Someone who is capable of that. With honesty and love I think it is even possible to transform from lovers to friends or from anything to anything. Or to find a new partner and still be friends with the old one or friends all three of you. 

example what is possible with honesty in my opinion: (just briefly simplified:)

- "I never meant to hurt you or to do this but it happened to me - I met someone else, and we find we are very compatible and in love. do you think I should stop seeing him to forget hiM/her? Do you think I made a mistake anywhere? Will you let me process your emotions about that with you?"

-"blablabla... I feel very sad, shocked, jealous, angry, hurt..."

-"can I hug you? I will never stop loving you as a person. I will not see him/her til I process your emotions with you and we can talk about it for a few weeks"

-"you know what, actually I love you and I want you to be happy so I will not stand in your way but I feel blablabla.."

-"you dont have a reason to feel jealous, she/he is better compatible in this and this way, you are still better at this and this. you are still very beautiful. we can be friends once you heal"

 

---- Basically I think all those kinds of things are possible, I wrote it in a very simplified way, that discussion would probably take weeks and would be a lot of emotions... but I think it is possible to explain cheating, having sex with someone else, not being attracted anymore, and all those kinds of things. I deeply believe in that. So a problem with a need to flirt should be definitely possible to explain in my opinion.
 

Edited March 31, 2022 by Hello1

[Razard86]

1 hour ago, Hello1 said:

Talk to her about this. Just like you write it here to us. Maybe even show her what you wrote here. That you would never cheat on her but you feel this need to flirt. Ask her whether she thinks this need is normal / healthy etc... Wonder about her opinions on that. Care about her opinions on that. Then if she has an emotional reaction to that , endure that emotional reaction and wait til it passes. She deserves to express her emotion because every emotion is valid. Even if it´s anger, sadness or whatever. Go through the emotion with her and support her in it and once you can communicate rationally again, come up with some solutions or leave this problem open. Leave it open and add any insights / thoughts later on. I think this is the way to solve problems in relationships. To explore together what the healthy relationship is, what the biology wants, be brave, honest, loving, open-hearted and truth-seeking. 

You can be ALWAYS honest in a relationship no matter what the truth is. The only case when honesty would actually hurt me long-term is if a guy told me he finds someone more attractive physically so he is leaving me, especially parts of my body that are my insecurities. Anything other than that is good. Not only good but necessary in my opinion if you wanna have a real deep worthwhile relationship or friendship with someone.

I got hurt by dishonesty and I learnt that I absolutely only accept honest deep relationships in the future. Someone who is capable of that. With honesty and love I think it is even possible to transform from lovers to friends or from anything to anything. Or to find a new partner and still be friends with the old one or friends all three of you. 

example what is possible with honesty in my opinion: (just briefly simplified:)

- "I never meant to hurt you or to do this but it happened to me - I met someone else, and we find we are very compatible and in love. do you think I should stop seeing him to forget hiM/her? Do you think I made a mistake anywhere? Will you let me process your emotions about that with you?"

-"blablabla... I feel very sad, shocked, jealous, angry, hurt..."

-"can I hug you? I will never stop loving you as a person. I will not see him/her til I process your emotions with you and we can talk about it for a few weeks"

-"you know what, actually I love you and I want you to be happy so I will not stand in your way but I feel blablabla.."

-"you dont have a reason to feel jealous, she/he is better compatible in this and this way, you are still better at this and this. you are still very beautiful. we can be friends once you heal"

 

---- Basically I think all those kinds of things are possible, I wrote it in a very simplified way, that discussion would probably take weeks and would be a lot of emotions... but I think it is possible to explain cheating, having sex with someone else, not being attracted anymore, and all those kinds of things. I deeply believe in that. So a problem with a need to flirt should be definitely possible to explain in my opinion.
 

While I agree with everything you said, understand that many people are low consciousness and may not be at the stage yet to do this. But you are absolutely correct in how important communication is and how important honesty is. Everything you said was true and ideal, the issue is are the people involved mature enough to handle it. The truth is the most dangerous and powerful thing.

[Hello1]

9 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

While I agree with everything you said, understand that many people are low consciousness and may not be at the stage yet to do this. But you are absolutely correct in how important communication is and how important honesty is. Everything you said was true and ideal, the issue is are the people involved mature enough to handle it. The truth is the most dangerous and powerful thing.

@Razard86 I don´t know, the only way I see is to act according to ideals and shape the world and people by that. Maybe I am blind to some instances when it can be harmful? 

Edited March 31, 2022 by Hello1

[Hello1]

@Razard86 another idea is start with communicating about how much honesty we can handle. I would love if my partner asked me that question.

[Hello1]

My ex-boyfriend hurt me with some immature and dishonest behavior. Long story, throughout the whole relationship it was hard to get any self-introspection out of him and mutual honest communication as well. Then he once out of nowhere broke up with me via a lazy chat message and I inquired about more information (in the state of shock). I called him and asked him whether he had sex with someone (used a special trick for that, long story) and he was forced to tell the truth. He said yes. I said thank you. I wish you good sex. (and I meant it) We were not compatible at all. Now I am relieved because facing my worst nightmare is over.

It was an emotional roller coaster times so the anger came few days later. He was too lazy and careless to be there with me throughout my valid emotion but that´s what I expected from him - he was never very mature. We have finished on a very bad terms with lots of revenge and hate and long-term effects . Could have been a loving process throughout the whole lovers-to-friends episode if we were both much more healthy. Now we have both karma and consequences to suffer. I revenge a LOT when someone hurts me badly. However I was not hurt by our incompatibility and his natural needs, but by his lack of love (in a broader sense) and honesty. I wasted time with such a small person.

*don´t get me wrong, it still hurt like hell to know he slept with someone but I felt that this emotion is pointing me to some truths and it was better than anger at him for completely ignoring to communicate anything and neglecting me so badly (as a human being)

Edited March 31, 2022 by Hello1

[universe]

No it's fine.

As you said, it is only fun and you don't have the intention to cheat.

This comes down to respect, truly loving her and how good she can handle it.

[bejapuskas]

On 29. 3. 2022 at 1:06 AM, kray said:

I know  I just feel like a total scumbag. If I didn't love her I would not care not feel anything about it. But I do, we've been together for 2 years now, and our relationship gets stronger by the day. For me, I've always seen pickup as a tool for social/personal development, and a way to tackle my social anxieties. It's just that she's in nursing school now, and we've pretty much been doing long distance. While most of my social anxiety has been tackled over the past five years since I started college, I still have an urge to develop myself socially. In a way, saying such things allows me to build my own confidence and social intelligence to new levels. I know its scummy, and I would feel deeply hurt if my girlfriend did such a thing too. So I that's why I've been controlling that urge. It doesn't come from a place of wanting to fuck her, but putting myself in a position of high tension. In a way, I like the adrenaline that comes from that, not the result.  

This looks like a lot of bias to me. Why do you let yourself get away with this double standard and not her?

I know it is hard to be in this situation, especially because it seems like such a big thing might happen if you mess up. I dont know who I agree with, I kinda do with both, I think it is fine to some extent, but also I think that flirting can like go too far before you realize it. (Especially on psychedelics)

I would have this conversation with her. It might be tough and break you for some time, but I think maybe you need to question what a relationship means to you, whether you even want an exclusive relationship, whether you can tolerate LDR, whether you only like women or perhaps other genders or maybe nobody at all! Many things can arise from this, so be ready.

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like you need to transition out of pickup into more of a social circle frame, where you can still have fun socially and shoot the shit with people, even girls, but you don't need to explicitly hit on them or approach them with that direct sexual intent that pickup teaches.

In social circle you can still be somewhat flirty without coming off as a cheater.

Make your flirting more subtle and less sexually intentful. Just sorta be a playful social guy rather than hitting on girls. That's how highly social guys naturally are.

[kray]

@Leo Gura so Guessing it would be a good idea to pickup a new hobby and be around like minded circles?

[Leo Gura]

@kray Or just be social

[Truth-Seeker]

On 2022-03-30 at 10:37 PM, Razard86 said:

While I agree with everything you said, understand that many people are low consciousness and may not be at the stage yet to do this.

Exactly My thoughts dude 

On 2022-03-30 at 10:46 PM, Hello1 said:

@Razard86 I don´t know, the only way I see is to act according to ideals and shape the world and people by that. Maybe I am blind to some instances when it can be harmful? 

Yea, like it seems from your post that you are aware and conscious enough to handle such a talk, but LITERALLY at least 90% of girls would flip out and demonize the guy and if GOD FORBID they had a past experience of being cheated on...OH BOY, IT WILL BE A FIGHT AND IT WILL BE VICIOUS. 

Him saying over and over that it makes him feel guilty out of his Love for her would be completely irrelevant.  

On 2022-03-30 at 10:48 PM, Hello1 said:

@Razard86 another idea is start with communicating about how much honesty we can handle. I would love if my partner asked me that question.

More girls can definitely handle that one. But MANY are so low consciousness that if you bring that up out of a sudden without actually setting up a relationship as being communicative from day one, they will begin to ask "WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS? DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?" LMAOO