My boyfriend is being too cheap

[AliceK]

Hello everyone,

I really need advice. I (22F) think my boyfriend (24M) is being very cheap.

He earns a lot of money and still lives with his parents (he plans to move out but not rn), he doesn't spend money on anything, and he is acting as if he is really poor. I am, on the other hand, a student, and my parents give me enough money to survive. We have been together for more than a year.

He prefers that we pay 50/50, sometimes we split the bill, and sometimes he pays and I pay the next time. And this is starting to bother me because I  wish he would want to pay more because we are in different situations financially. A lot of weird things have happened in our relationship, for example, one time we were on a vacation and he really wanted to go to a fancy restaurant, he chose the restaurant and I paid for the bill. (and he even knew I wanted to grab some cheaper food, and fancy restaurants are not really my thing).  Or when he comes to visit me in a city where I study, he pays for some food and I pay for some drinks. Again, it's not that expensive but I just think it would be a nice gest if he paid for both. Or he suggests that we get some food and doesn't bring enough money with him (I don't think he does that on purpose, I think he is just careless), so we split the bill. And he often suggests we split the bill when the bill is like 7$. Or when we go on a trip I give him half of the money for gas.

I am not a gold-digger and I don't expect some expensive gifts, sometimes he gets me chocolate or something to show that he cares and I think that's nice. I don't want expensive dinners or anything like that. However, since he is in a situation where he earns about 10x more than I get from my parents, I really expect when he comes to visit me that he pays both for drinks and food. It's not a lot of money and it would be nice of him. 

He is also being cheap for himself, for example, he doesn't want to pay for the gym because ''that's a lot of money'', and he wants to save the money for the future.

Now I feel weird to go anywhere with him because I can't stop imagining how he expects that we split the bill and how everything is ''expensive''. I can't invite him to come to a city where I study, because I know he doesn't want to spend money on airbnb (because he's not allowed in my dormitory), but on the other hand, it would be very unattractive if I pay half of the money for it.

The thing is, I can't stop imagining the future with him, I think since he has the attitude of 50/50 it will always be like that even if we were married and he had a much better-paid job than I do, and it would bother me. I actually like the idea of a husband earning some more money than me so that he can afford to take me on a trip or something like that.

His attitude really affects how I see him and it turns me off a lot. 

I don't know what to do, what do you guys think of this? I would like to hear opinions from your perspectives. Am I being too dramatic or is he really being cheap? Am I expecting too much or is his behavior normal?

[kamill]

I had girlfriend not a long time ago, we were both student so we usually split the bill Or i paid one time she paid next time we went out. But i was never thinking about who is paying sometimes i paid for everything and the next night my girlfriend offered to pay. But to split a bill even on a gas is kinda too much i guess. 

I would encourage you to bring that topic to him talk about it a tell him it bothers you a bit and that you want to be on a same page. I broke up with my girl friend because we were together once in a two weeks a after a breakup she told me she was depressed and feeling very bad about not being together enough.

I thought it was completely fine since we study in different cities but if only she could bring up that topic we would probably fix the issue and still be together

 

Sorry for my English 

 

 

 

 

[AliceK]

@kamill  Actually, if my boyfriend was a student, I wouldn't even think about this, since in that situation 50/50 would be normal. But we are not in the same situation right now and that's why it bothers me.

I'm so sorry for your gf, yes good communication is important but I feel so weird talking about this, especially because as feel as if I can't change his perspective on this.

[Gili Trawangan]

Male-biased opinion here.

From my perspective, when I'm with a woman I want her to be with me for me. Not for what I can give her or what I can do for her. Women can sometimes start to take for granted that we pay for stuff - I've seen it happen - so I pay for stuff when I actually feel like it and not just because it's expected of me. Indeed, if she just expects it to happen, I will lose the will to do it.

In your particular case, he seems to be taking it a tad too far, but I think this - my previous paragraph - is where it's coming from.

35 minutes ago, AliceK said:

His attitude really affects how I see him and it turns me off a lot.

However, this is happening. It's turning you off.

36 minutes ago, AliceK said:

I actually like the idea of a husband earning some more money than me so that he can afford to take me on a trip or something like that.

And this is where you would lose me. This is a huge turn off for me. Mind you, it's not like that for all guys, not at all. But like I said, I still have this notion that a woman will like me despite what I can or can't give her or do for her. Naive, perhaps, but that's where I'm coming from and maybe that's where your boyfriend is coming from too. Or not, obviously I don't know.

Where does that leave you? You will have to bring it up with him, because it's bothering you and it won't just go away. Maybe he'll see it your way and change. Maybe not...

[somegirl]

@Gili Trawangan I actually understand her. She is a student and is dependant on her parents for money and doesn't have that much, and he is a guy who has stable income and has more money than her. I don't understand why he wants them to split bills when she is not earning the same as him.

Kinda shows me he doesn't care in what financial situation she is in rn, he just wants them to pay equally even though they are not financially equal right now. 

If they were in similar circumstances in life (i.e. they are both students or they both work) then splitting bills would be beyond reasonable. But the way it is now, it's not so much.

@AliceK I actually had bf who was earning money, unlike me who was on my second year of college, and didn't have much money. He actually didn't feel a tad bit guilty for letting me pay for both of us, despite me not being financially stable (or my family, for that matter). I offered to pay nevertheless because I was polite, but in the back of my mind I wished he would stop me and pay for both of us instead. He knew I didn't have much and that I am a student.

It bothered me silently and yes, I didn't find it attractive. Not because of money, but because it showed me he was not being considerate and understanding of my situation.

If we both were in same financial situation, I sure as heck would not have a problem splitting bills. 

Edited March 27, 2022 by somegirl

[Max_V]

Perhaps he is being stingy, I cannot say just from reading your posts alone, I'd have to really be there to get an authentic perspective. In any case, I would talk about this with him. Bringing stuff that is bothering you up to the surface is probably your best bet, not doings so will probably result in the relationship not lasting very long. 

But I do think there is a sort of respect that comes with 50/50. Even though he has more money than you, relying upon him to pay for everything is leechy. Just because you are (presumably) the submissive one in the relationship doesn't mean you should expect him to take care of you financially. That cultural custom should be discarded. There is nuance though, him taking care of things here and there because you have less financial capacity is fine, but when it turns into an expectation it becomes rotten. 

[AliceK]

24 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

But like I said, I still have this notion that a woman will like me despite what I can or can't give her or do for her.

I get what you mean. It would be foolish if I liked my bf because he has a well-paid job.

I think that biologically I have this attraction towards a dominant male that is a protector. And I think money is a part of that protection.

But that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like my bf if he was a broke student like I am, or if he earned much less than now. It’s just that I’m asking myself why wouldn’t he do that if he can?

 

[Max_V]

@somegirl I know this is cliche, but please reverse the roles. If a girl made more than a guy, would it be attractive for her to pay for him? According to our culture, probably not. So just because culture dictates that men should be more powerful, the woman can just lay back and have most things taken care for her? I find that despicable. 

[somegirl]

@Max_V It's not about power or dominance. It's about being considerate of someone else's situation.
This kind of behaviour would be acceptable if both parties were in same financial situation. But it was not the case.

[Max_V]

@somegirl I would disagree. If you had more money than a guy you were on a date with, and you'd end up paying for him and you both. Would you feel more or less attracted to him? Be honest.

[somegirl]

@Max_V I would not be more attracted, honestly.

But that shouldn't surprise us, double standards exist and it will always exist in the back of people's minds.

Girls are judged for sleeping with more men, whereas for men that's desirable. It's just how life works, we should play by its rules. That's my philosophy at least.

 

Edited March 27, 2022 by somegirl

[NoSelfSelf]

1 hour ago, AliceK said:

 

He is also being cheap for himself, for example, he doesn't want to pay for the gym because ''that's a lot of money'', and he wants to save the money for the future.

 

I understood him until i read this,this is too much in my opinion...

Really cant tell nothing from the post actually because ill have to know more about him...

But what i learned from people is that stingy person is someone to be really causios off they are not quality people(which im not saying is your boyfriend)

[Eph75]

@AliceK

The reasons and expectations behind these kind of things are always complex.

It's your responsibility to talk to him. Not accusing him of being cheap, treating you wrong or even to change his perspective. 

It's about communicating your perspective, and what you feel.

Whatever he does with that is his choice.

To work up the ability to communicate well with one's partner is fundamental, and essential when it comes to the very things that are difficult to talk about.

Assumptions and delaying or avoiding saying how you feel only births resentment. 

It's also about you understanding his perspective, finding out what is it that makes hum "frugal". Maybe he has specific reasons. 

It's interesting how far constructive communication can go. 

It's also interesting how few couples that really can talk to each other. 

About him choosing a fancy restaurant and you paying sounds like it's more about you needing to set boundaries, which again points toward the kind of communication you want in your relationship.

If he likes fancy, it's reasonable that he chooses fancy and pays for fancy. And when you pay, it's reasonable that it's based on choices that you are comfortable with.

If not, again, resentment ensues. 

Edited March 27, 2022 by Eph75

[Max_V]

@somegirl I respect that.

I think differently though. I think those beliefs and customs we should try to change. I don't doubt there is inherent attraction that is built into things like a man being powerful, etc. Because that touches at the masculine and feminine roles that attract us to one another, but I don't think we should glorify all of them. It's my belief that men and women should be equally expected to take care of themselves. Just as I believe that women shouldn't be shamed for wanting to sleep around. 

With this situation specifically I think the person being more financially capable taking care of some things is not a problem. Just when it becomes an expectation it isn't healthy. 

[something_else]

A lot of guys do this to avoid being taken advantage of

Then again he also sounds like a stingy bastard too. If he has more money and he is working he should def be paying for more, but never everything

You should just talk to him about it tbh

[somegirl]

8 minutes ago, Max_V said:

I think differently though. I think those beliefs and customs we should try to change. I don't doubt there is inherent attraction that is built into things like a man being powerful, etc. Because that touches at the masculine and feminine roles that attract us to one another, but I don't think we should glorify all of them. It's my belief that men and women should be equally expected to take care of themselves. Just as I believe that women shouldn't be shamed for wanting to sleep around. 

And I'm with you 100%. I also would like those beliefs and customs to not exist. It will be a long process though.

I still see even people high on consciousness being a bit apprehensive /uneasy when topic of female sleeping around is brought up. But oh well... Maybe one day. 

[Max_V]

@somegirl Yep, we can only hope these things will be normal within our lifetimes. The only thing we have control over is projecting outwards what we believe in, even though the world might find us weird or cast us out. Going along with an unjust world is not a way I want to live. 

[Barbara]

If the roles switched (you were the one earning more money, and he the student living from his parents' money), 

would you pay him the things you want him to pay you?

[Leo Gura]

5 hours ago, AliceK said:

I don't know what to do, what do you guys think of this?

It's simple really: you sit him down and communicate everything you wrote here to us, but to him, and do so in a sweet, non-blaming way.

Like this: "Baby, I really love you and want a future with you, but this one issue is bothering me and getting between us. I want us to discuss and address it to clear the air so we can continue our great relationship."

Work with him to help him see that his being cheap is actually holding him back in life.

P.S. If you cannot communicate about something as minor as this, just kiss your relationship goodbye. It will never last.

[AliceK]

38 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

It's simple really: you sit him down and communicate everything you wrote here to us, but to him, and do so in a sweet, non-blaming way.

Like this: "Baby, I really love you and want a future with you, but this one issue is bothering me and getting between us. I want us to discuss and address it to clear the air so we can continue our great relationship."

Work with him to help him see that his being cheap is actually holding him back in life.

P.S. If you cannot communicate about something as minor as this, just kiss your relationship goodbye. It will never last.

I can communicate with him about everything - but I feel really weird communicating about this. I tried explaining to him that gym is not expensive and that he should pay for it but he says ''I already told you I don't want to it's a lot of money.''

And I don't know how I'm supposed to tell him that he should spend money on me. That's even more weird.

Even if I do tell him, he would feel as if I'm making him do it, as if he has to do it. And I would feel stupid because I would think that he doesn't really want to do it but has to.