Approach Anxiety

[Baz]

I suffer from approach anxiety when it comes to approaching women, I am single and have been for about a decade. I see a beautiful women and I just freeze when it comes to going up to her either to ask her out or even just to give her a nice kind complement. I've watched Leo's vids on about this stuff, how to get a girlfriend etc etc, and still no progress. Any help and advise would be appreciated.

[Visionary]

There are certain problems you need to work at:

- You probably think in values subconsciously and maybe even consciously. Try to spot it and get rid of this way of thinking. It's pure fiction. This is one of the trademarks of the ego. Labeling values on everything and judging on the basis of these values. You rate these women probably higher than yourself in the value game you play.

- The previous problem is connected with your self-image. Before you are able to solve the value game puzzle, it would be wise to practice unconditional self-acceptance and self-love. The better you get at this, the easier your approaches will be. You are loving yourself unconditionally. Who cares what her reaction would be?

- Another underlying problem is your neediness. Stop being so needy. Of course we're all biologically programmed to desire attractive women. But try to detach from your neediness and desires for that woman. Try to feel as complete as possible before you try to date them.

To tackle these problems you need to meditate so you can know yourself better. Know how to handle emotions, thoughts (and how to detach from them). And off course: approach, approach, approach. Without attaching to the possible outcomes. Think this way initially: let's go and FUCK it up. Let's make a fool out of myself. Try to mess up as much as you can, until you really give no shit anymore.

Edited January 23, 2017 by Visionary

[schmitzy]

@Baz Have you tried flirting with women who don't make you freeze on the spot? This stuff requires practice. It could help to just start "small"!

[SFRL]

@Baz the best way you can get over approach anxiety is to get more exposure to approaching/dating women. 

You know those World War II movies where you have this one new guy diving for the ground into a puddle of mud because a bomb goes off in the distance, and then there is a group of veterans standing by laughing and smoking a cigarette. 

You need to get more 'battle hardened' and when you have gone through the situation many times, and this will include rejection, you will be much more care free around women. 

So start talking to and dating  women by any means. 

 

Edited January 23, 2017 by STC

[AxelK]

Are you putting them on a pedestal? Realise that behind their beatiful looks they are just like you, with a few biological and psychological differences. Made up of the same matter, they all have to shit and piss too(just like you) and they are probably full of insecurities, just like most people. We men tend to put women up on a pedestal and sometimes think of them like goddesses, this can create a lot of anxiety when you deal with them. So the easiest answer i can give you is to just stop thinking that way if you are. At least it worked for me.

[poimandres]

So you don't actually approach them because the anxiety is so bad? What if you told yourself, there is no failure, but the mission is to simply approach and attempt conversation. By conversation, I mean literally: "Hello my name is @Baz, I am working on my social skills and wanted to meet a stranger." Then say "Thanks, have a great day." 

This will get you over your current hurdle. After you get comfortable with that, try to carry a conversation a little longer, get into personal interests, what their day is like, etc..

[Baz]

Wow! Thank you so much guys. All amazing and very constructive feedback/advice.

@Visionary - you make it sound so so simple.

@Schmitzy - I don't flirt with women at all I tend to just keep it small talk and basic, like..... Hello how are you? Ars you up to much this weekend? Or how was your weekend? Very basic and bland convo. Part of me really really wants to ask "them out" and I visualize it all before hand but when it actually comes to the moment I just freeze and fail to execute.

@STC - Do yo mean just go in there like a cold approach?

@Axelk - You make a very interesting point, I guess after reading your reply and thinking about it I probably do put women up on a pedestal in my subconsciously.

@Poimandres - That's correct I don't even approach because of the "approach anxiety" 

[SFRL]

@Baz what I mean is that you should start talking to/dating women by any means necesairy. 

So you can go speed dating, online dating, cold approaches in coffeeshops, malls, bars, and clubs etc. It doesn't really matter how you do it. As long as you get lots of exposure in a pick-up/dating setting with women. 

When you are hungry you got to eat. If you go to McDonalds, a diner, or a five star restaurant doesn't really matter right now. 

And make your intentions known. That's a very important thing right there. 

Edited January 25, 2017 by STC

[Baz]

Thank you!

[Alicja_]

@Baz Logotherapy has a technique called "paradoxical intention". Basically what it assumes is that fear brings about what one is afraid of, and at the same, hyper-intension makes impossible what one wishes. 

V. Frankl recalled  a case when he was once consulted by a physician because of his fear of perspiring. Whenever he approached someone he expected an outbreak of perspiration and this anticipatory anxiety was enough to cause huge sweating.

The solution to that case was  detachment realised by a sense of humor. Next time, the doctor met anyone he told to himself quietly "I only sweated out a quart before, but now I'm going to pour at least ten quarts!" This was his detachment from neurosis. As a result, he stopped sweating excessively.

It can be applied to your case as well. Perhaps, you anticipate that you may fail, that she may reject you etc.  So before approaching a beautiful woman, you may have a short inner-dialogue with yourself, such as "Well, I used to frighten away dozens of beautiful women before, so why not scare the shit out of this one. Here I go". Such attitude is quite hilarious and can release loads of tension. 

Edited January 26, 2017 by Alicja_

[Baz]

This is an amazing way of looking at it, I especially love the bit were you say.... "so why not scare the shit out of this one"

Now I just need to put into practice! 

[Shin]

Try online dating and be honest with the girls you have a date with.

Just tell them you're a shy guy who has issue with womens and wants to get rid of this nonsense anxiety problem (which is totally fabricated by your mind, I was probably in a worst situation than you).

You'll be surprised, a lot of girls like that, a men who's honest about his flaws and wants to work it out, especially intimate things like this.

 

 

[Khin]

@Baz You "FREEZE" because you think about losing before even trying.

[Baz]

Yes I do. It ain't something that is just sweet sailing for me, it's hard for me and the only way I can  over come it is like asking people on here and working on my psychological state to eliminate this approach anxiety situation. 

 

@shin - btw thank you for your sound advise its definitely helpful.

[Life Coach]

My mind can asbolutely not comprehend what has become of modern men. But I feel that is what society has done to them, so it's not the individual  mans fault. It can't be that so many, many men are scared of women and have gotten so weak that they cannot even talk to a girl they like. Not bashing the op, because I was like him back then. And not only me, but all my guy friends and guy relatives too. I feel for ya op and of course you can work this out, but when I watch at the issue from a wider perspective then I see that something is horribly horribly wrong. For a man to be scared of women, even talking to them, this is sick. And it's a huge, world wide problem.

Edited February 1, 2017 by Old Soul

[jse]

Throw a backpack on and travel through Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam.  Don't plan any travel itinerary, and leave your phone behind.

If you stay away from the shallow party scene in SE Asia, through these adventures you are guaranteed to meet interesting and gorgeous (inside and out) fellow travelers, who will nurture your newly-found confidence.

[Life Coach]

1 minute ago, jse said:

Throw a backpack on and travel through Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam.  Don't plan any travel itinerary, and leave your phone behind.

If you stay away from the shallow party scene in SE Asia, through these adventures you are guaranteed to meet interesting and gorgeous (inside and out) fellow travelers, who will nurture your newly-found confidence.

That's what I wanted to do forever, but can one do it without any cash? Because I am poor as fuck

[jse]

@Old Soul , work your arse off for 3-6 months, get some cash and a backpack, and follow your dreams.

[Lynnel]

@Baz  You can pretty much ignore all that has been said before. If you wanna trascend your fear by cleansing all the crap in your mind (conditionning, etc. the list is very long) it's gonna take you several years of intense work and therapy. Honestly I'm not even sure it's possible. Either way, the only you have to do to handle it is just doing it. That's it. Just go and open. You don't need a sophisticated approach to run away into. Don't be like the guy on the other topic who needed very sophisticated advice, and after 3-4 month hasn't done shit

[Shin]

Yeah this is the biggest trap, waiting for a perfect way to solve this.

There is no perfect way, you need to take actions.