I'm a dork

[Preety_India]

The progress of this dork 

 

[Preety_India]

 

borderline-personality-disorder

 

 

One of the reasons why I struggle with socialization 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have made a bunch of friends in the last week

I feel good. 

[Preety_India]

Different kinds of relationships

1. Disposable

A person who tells you that you are replaceable. That's a bad thing 

Because they are looking for someone better in which case they should just leave you and find someone better.

 

 

2. Room service

A person who uses you for their needs. For example, they constantly badger you with their needs that aren't love related. They want you to do things for them and only come to you when they need those things out of you and keep overwhelming you with their constant needs. Hardly ever care about your needs. They use you like room service constantly pressing the button and get furious If their needs are not met but never care about your needs.

 

 

 

3. Backup and not priority

A person who uses you like a backup option.. That is they always come back to you whenever they are tired with someone else. They use you on rotation. You are not their priority. 

 

 

4. Trophy and ego 

When they want a trophy husband or trophy wife, they don't actually want you ,they simply like the idea of having you because it makes their ego feel good. Once the trophy gets old, they no longer treat this trophy with kindness.

 

5. Psychopath/narcissist

A person who traps you in the relationship even when you are not happy with them. They want you around because they want something out of you even if it means that being with them is unbearable and you have to suffer. But they won't let you go simply because they are selfish and only care about how it fulfills their needs.

 

6. Romantic attention

They only want you for their romantic attention they get from you. You satisfy their girlfriend needs. They don't even try to put effort to get to know you. You are an object to them..an object that fulfills their primary goal. They wanted you because they wanted someone (not just you ) to fill that space or role. You are basically their role. They love the image they have of you in their head. They love the feeling of being in love or boasting a relationship but don't care to bond with you. They did not fall in love with you. They simply saw you as an opportunity, an object of their desire, they wanted and needed a girlfriend and they saw that you easily fit the bill. They are just happy they got someone. You are their conquest or possession. They don't try to understand you as a person. Their interest in you is temporary and will eventually subside, an infatuation, and when the real struggle of loving a person begins, they will back off or fail the test.

 

 

 

 

Edited April 9, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

                       Mental Space

 

Wisdom path 

Wisdom and healing is the key 

Wisdom and healing comes from only one source 

 

 

Some days ago I talked about the human condition 

 

The "wisdom path" and the "human condition" are two important terms to keep in mind. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Healing this mental space should be a priority. 

 

[Preety_India]

I have found a technique to further work on this mental space, a more organic one. 

Associate an emotion with this mental space

Like

Mental Space 

Freedom 

Mental Space

Peace 

Mental Space

Joy 

Mental Space

Comfort 

Mental Space

Relief 

Mental Space

Responsibility 

Mental Space

Openness 

Mental Space

Attachment

Mental Space 

Security 

Mental Space 

Love 

Mental Space 

Intimacy 

Mental Space 

Trust 

Mental Space 

Vulnerability 

Mental Space 

 

 

 

This technique helps to bring more intimacy to the mental space

 

 

Edited April 11, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Today mental space

 

Work on that inner chaos and set yourself free.

 

[Preety_India]

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I was able to hold a stable mental space today.

I felt better.

This technique worked at least for today.

 

I remember calling myself buttercup in few of my entries.

I have realised that extroversion won't work for me. I'm an introvert naturally

 I tried being an extrovert.

It just doesn't work.

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/76797-i-deserve/?do=findComment&comment=1065519

 

 

 

Edited April 11, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

On 3/26/2022 at 11:25 PM, Preety_India said:

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I'm sick and tired of the world, humanity, people, things, romance, men, Relationships. I just don't know who I am anymore. 

I feel like I'm sitting in a graveyard. 

I don't know what life has in store for me

I'm going through excruciating mental pain. 

Everything feels like a joke. 

I feel like nobody ever gave a fuck about me.. 

 

On 3/27/2022 at 4:25 AM, Preety_India said:

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As the realization sinks in that nobody gives a fuck about me, I have understood that I have to be extremely serious about my life. 

Don't give into cheap love that doesn't care. Don't act like a kid. Fucking grow up. 

Yea I act juvenile because of some unmet needs. And I need to grow the fuck up. 

I need to pull myself up by the bootstraps 

It has been very hard to say the least. 

 

               

 

 

On 3/27/2022 at 11:38 AM, Preety_India said:

Journal entry template 

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(Upper boundary) 

 

 

 

(Lower boundary) 

•⊱⊱⊱⊱✸⊰⊰⊰⊰••••••••••••••••••••••••••⊱⊱⊱⊱✸⊰⊰⊰⊰• ...

 

 

On 3/27/2022 at 0:02 PM, Preety_India said:

 

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(Upper boundary) 

 

Act first then from your actions you will find and customize a mental model you already know (or you will discover one along the way).

 

What must the first action be? To be generous with others, consistently.

 

What does generosity mean? In your case: give money to non-profit and see people you have avoided seeing (scarcity mindset applied to relationships).

 

It's okay if there is a back & forth pattern.

If you don't do this, you will be solving the scarcity mindset with a scarcity mindset and you will also probably never actually act because you will loose yourself in conceptualization and planning.

 

(Lower boundary) 

•⊱⊱⊱⊱✸⊰⊰⊰⊰••••••••••••••••••••••••••⊱⊱⊱⊱✸⊰⊰⊰⊰• ...

 

 

On 3/27/2022 at 1:11 PM, Preety_India said:

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(Upper boundary) 

 

The key to living a good life and getting results is regular practice. That which you do with your mind (where you concentrate your mental resources) on a daily, weekly. 

The key to living a good life and getting results is regular practice. That which you do with your mind (where you concentrate your mental resources) on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.

Consistent practice leads to an elevated level of skillfulness in that particular area which then translates into powerful action and results. (Isn’t it the case that the results are what you ultimately want?)

Imagine if you practiced playing guitar (or meditation or any other skill) for 1 – 2 hours every day from age 5.

Imagine you started programming at age 3 and kept doing it regularly for 10, 20 years.

On the other hand, every practice be it good (like reading books) or bad (like watching TV) will lose its effect on your life without doing it consistently.

Hard work- regular practice of worthwhile skills with no immediate results (otherwise it would be fun, therefore - easy)

It is also important that you dedicate a distinct chunk of time to practice to give it the full focus (this is where the Time block planning technique comes into play [the idea of  Cal Newport] )

(Lower boundary) 

•⊱⊱⊱⊱✸⊰⊰⊰⊰••••••••••••••••••••••••••⊱⊱⊱⊱✸⊰⊰⊰⊰• ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 11, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

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I have to work on myself seriously. This new diagnosis has been excellent. 

I have got so much inner work cut out for me now.

 

•⊱⊱⊱⊱✸⊰⊰⊰⊰••••••••••••••••••••••••••⊱⊱⊱⊱✸⊰⊰⊰⊰• .

Edited April 11, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

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I'm slowly creating the format for the future.

I'm going to refer to myself either as Cupcake/Buttercup for the rest of my life. 

I'm tired of my own name. It has been overused and sometimes misused. 

I have largely kept everyone on block except a few people that I trust. 

 

 

I'm more of a recluse. I don't like this kind of interference in my journal.

 

 

Edited April 12, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

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Hey Buttercup,

I feel like I'm in the "sorting myself out" stage of my life. I'm curious where my direction leads me. I have learned enough that I can move on in a fixed direction. I have stuff figured out. It's like I'm on the last leg of my journey socially and emotionally. I don't think I got much more to learn. I munched on enough stuff. I have gathered all my thistles. It's time for me to kinda move on and start with new plans. I have reached a calmer state intellectually. The curiosity isn't killing me anymore. But I'm still in a bit of a limbo. Because all directions still are in the process of planning. I have figured out at least half of my journey so there's that that I'm happy about. The other half will gradually fix itself as time moves on. But I'm still putting a lot of effort into fixing a few bolts here and there. It's getting there, it's getting there.

 

 

Edited April 12, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

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Buttercup,

I really don't look at social media as a dopamine device. Frankly social media is where Iearned everything that I learned without walking into dark alleys. Social media is a huge boon for people to connect and quickly spread information. I have known the kind of things I have known over the last few years and I would have never known such things if I was simply interacting with people on the street, social media is such a huge box of knowledge. You're hugely underestimating social media.

 

Edited April 12, 2022 by Preety_India

[KoryKat]

@Preety_India an interesting look at BPD 

 

I have BPD too , its definitely the worst

[Preety_India]

@KoryKat waves at fellow bpd.

Yea it's hard. But I'm hopeful I'll get better with time.

 

 

[KoryKat]

Practice , not time

 

[Preety_India]

I made a few friends last week. 

It made me feel better. 

I have been talking to my mom about certain things. Issues etc

 

Things seem in control after many many days. 

 

[Preety_India]

I have decided that I am not going to be talking to anyone. It only leads to more trouble. 

Yes I always needed clear communication.