Mutiny In Progress.

[Vicki]

I'm not sure what I'm doing here.

Okay, that wasn't true, we all know what we're here for. But I'm not entirely sure why I'm starting this journal...thing. It's rather in the spur of the moment, instead of a well thought-out commitment.

I have been into personal development for as long as I can remember, even before I knew enough to put a label on it, but it's only in recent years that I've actually started cataloging my journey, coming up with a plan, having goals, mostly failing at them. Speaking of failure, I have a consistent streak of that; that's the only thing that is reliable about me.

Here are the structural external things I will tentatively be focusing on:

1. My final year studying abroad

2. My progress as a singer/songwriter

3. Getting healthier and fitter physically and mentally

4. Aspiring to be vegan

5. Educating myself on spiritual enlightenment

6. Finding a way to support myself financially

 

And here are all the stinky internal bits that I want crush and burn:

1. Quit procrastination

2. Don't let the incredibly stupid idea of perfectionism cripple me

3. Stop people pleasing

4. Stop caring what people think

I'm starting to sound like I'm quoting Leo's video titles, someone help me, lol.

And the nice stuff I want to work on:

5. Respond more efficiently to people. (eg. reply messages)

6. Work on confidence. Not the kind that is in your face, but the quieter kind of confidence that nobody sees. The kind that comes with self-acceptance.

7. Be kinder, to myself and other people, even in my head.

 

If I sound like a lost lamb, it's probably because I am one. But to be fair, it's 11pm here, which may as well be 5am because I haven't slept in the past 36 hours approx.

 

Maybe I should add sleep regulation to the list.

Edited January 22, 2017 by Vicki

[Vicki]

Here's a brief overview of exactly how screwed I am:

I'm an undergrad in my final year. My dissertation is due in a month. I have 3 other papers to work on, all of which are equally as difficult as writing a thesis. I virtually have not started on any of them. I also have no clue on what I want to do after I graduate. IF I can even graduate in the first place. My peers around me have basically completed all of the above work. This isn't a comparison of whodunnit first, it's an idea of where I stand with regards to the social norm and boy, am, I, screwed.

My mind wanders with stories, my consciousness dampened by meaningless stimuli.

I am the epitome of a human drone, and the solution in my head always seems to be "do it tomorrow".

I'm scared. 

[Vicki]

January has been a shitty month of Netflix, chips and procrastination.

 

February started off at 5am with a sudden shift in productivity. Meditated for about 14 minutes, which is fairly good for me, because usually I only can manage about 10. Am hoping to up that number to 20+ minutes by the end of the month. Am also trying to set realistic goals, so there's that, otherwise I'd up it to an hour. But who am I kidding, right?

Made a couple of long distance calls. I am often reminded that although I don't have much of a support system here in a foreign country, I have very solid friends and family across the oceans. I struggle with keeping in contact though, because most of the time I'm in a 12 foot deep hole of procrastination, stress and distraction. 

 

If I were to divulge the sheer amount of TV I watch to distract myself, I'd make everyone around here look really good.

 

Anyway, today has been good, because I have finally kickstarted myself to work on my insane list of assignments.

 

Baby steps.

 

Bye.

 

[Vicki]

I had a good chat with a friend today on spirituality and religion, and how the two are so often perceived to be the same thing, but are actually not. He mentioned having conflict between an inner peace that resonates within him and the dogma that is preached by the church (both of us were raised as Christians). For example, his gut tells him that homosexual people should not be discriminated against, but some sermons are very much designed to brainwash the exact opposite thinking into people. It got me thinking of Leo's video on intuition. How we gravitate towards certain things, how we know. How we just know.

I wish I had that kind of intuition with where I'm going.

[Vicki]

I just uploaded my music on YouTube, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm excited, but I'm also expecting no views, and I don't feel comfortable sharing it with anyone I know personally just yet.