Dating Someone Who Isn't "as Good" As You Are

[ElenaO]

Is it worth dating someone who has less experience in life, is in a worse shape than you are, but is, otherwise, a kind and honest person?
I am asking it from a women's perspective, i.e. the woman is the one dating someone who is presumably not as "developed".

The answer is rather obvious to me. But I wonder what others think. 

[SFRL]

I think that women are hypergamous in nature. Meaning they prefer to date up. 

Some men tend to criticize women for that. The way I see it is as a man you are better off accepting that truth. And look at it this way; you got your work cut out for you. 

Women seem to always want to be with a guy who has an edge on them. Wherever that edge may come from. It can be finances, living conditions, education, fitness level etc. All these things are part of life experience. So yeah women prefer more experienced men. 

A man with less life experience as the woman can't lead her. Which is not attractive to her. On the other hand a woman with less life experience then a man can ignite a sense of protection in a man. Which will make him feel more manly, and therefore more attracted to her. That's part of the reason why it's not a good idea for a woman to sleep around much, and the reason why sleeping around decreases her value. 

I don't think  a man necesairly needs to be in the same physical shape or better then the woman. As long as he is not out of shape/fat.

Women seem to rate men on alot of different items. But after the complete balance is made up she must seem to have the idea that the man is at least as good as she is, preferebly better. 

Edited January 22, 2017 by STC

[ElenaO]

@STC You put it so well, I completely agree! I would feel sorry for a guy who doesn't have it all together. And I think that's the last thing a guy wants to get from a woman! 

[clytaemnestra]

That's my problem as well..

I have a guy who's nice, kind, lovely.. but not as experienced in life as I am. So, I feel that I can completely manipulate over him, although I don't want to do it and I don't do it. On the other hand, I had a guy who was out of my league, but he didn't give a shit about me. So, I guess both options are not good, it's the best when the both sides are on the same page and level, but I believe that it always happens that one side is more, let's say, above another. 

I left my ex after 2.5 years because I outgrew him. It's simply annoying when you try to change in a positive way and you do simple things on your way and you feel very insecure at the beginning, since you're stepping out in the unknown and your partner holds you down and makes you more insecure. That was with my ex, he "supported" all the things I was doing for myself when it comes to talk, but when it comes to actions he does nothing to prove that he really supports, but only judges me for wanting to change (it was positive change and I'm not proud of it). So, I felt very much relieved and free when I left him, not free in a sexual way, but in the context of being able to do things only for myself without someone being behind my back and complaining around how I lose my time on stupid things (for him playing video games the whole day and not working anything was not stupid, but my ambition to finish studies was since being too materialistic and wanting to achieve something is a bad trait, like people die out of stress, lol). On the other hand, I don't like ambitious guys for who a girlfriend is on the last place in their life, I dated one who had 2205860953259 friends who were priority in his life. I like loyal and caring guys who care about their gf. I like also shy guys who are respectful towards women and let women do all the work (approach them, take all the initiative and so on).

I don't know at the end what to say, it's not good to go into any extreme range. But anyways, I'd prefer someone who's a bit under my level, because otherwise I'd feel that he has more options and he's manipulating over me, so I'd feel more secure with someone who has less options in general than I have. 

[ElenaO]

I get your point @clytaemnestra . I think differently though. I would definitely prefer a guy out of my league, because he would teach me something. Even if it's going to be painful in the end. I most certainly don't want a guy who is below, or at least for a serious relationship. If I would have a guy who's below me I would feel like his mom. And that is not attractive!

[Visionary]

I think that's how the average person thinks indeed. But once you'll develop on this path, you'll drop the value game. You'll be able to see that this game is pure fiction. Authenticity is what you'll be searching for intuitively. To be honest, i don't even think you'll be searching for it. You'll attract it one way or the other on your own path to authenticity.

Edit: This path is the self-development path, the spiritual path

Edited January 23, 2017 by Visionary

[ElenaO]

Interesting. Would love to see this happen. Not there yet. Hope to be one day. 

[Lynnel]

@ElenaO  No. Don't do it. It's one of the first reasons women cheat - they settle for less than they think they deserve and carry resentment because of that. Then those women will hurt as you said a very nice guy.

[ElenaO]

@Lynnel Not going to. Have had my share of situations.  I was wondering about it from a different point of view - the one of the ego. It seems my ego has a very strong opinion about who I should date and who I shouldn't. Very categoric. Also, I notice how at times I when I am more connected to my emotions (or that's probably my sexual desires  ) and not my mind, I feel like I could date such guys. However, when my rational thinking kicks in, I see it as a complete stupidity. 

[SFRL]

On 1/22/2017 at 4:04 PM, ElenaO said:

Is it worth dating someone who has less experience in life, is in a worse shape than you are, but is, otherwise, a kind and honest person?
I am asking it from a women's perspective, i.e. the woman is the one dating someone who is presumably not as "developed".

The answer is rather obvious to me. But I wonder what others think. 

Another thing is that being a 'kind and honest person,' or a so called 'nice guy' or 'good person' doesn't really get you any bonus points. That's a basic requirement. Just like getting up in the morning and taking a shower and brushing your teeth. It's something that you should expect of any person. 

A self proclaimed 'nice guy' will say things like: "I respect women that's why I don't treat women like a badboy does". The thing is the self proclaimed 'nice guy' would not know how to ignite that attraction in a woman even if he tried. So him being 'nice' is being 'nice' from a position of incompetence. It's all he got.

A girl is not going to sleep with a guy because he is doing something that you would expect from any human being. 

She will sleep/date/marry the guy for the extras he brings to her life compared to other men. 

[ElenaO]

23 hours ago, STC said:

Another thing is that being a 'kind and honest person,' or a so called 'nice guy' or 'good person' doesn't really get you any bonus points. That's a basic requirement. Just like getting up in the morning and taking a shower and brushing your teeth. It's something that you should expect of any person. 

A self proclaimed 'nice guy' will say things like: "I respect women that's why I don't treat women like a badboy does". The thing is the self proclaimed 'nice guy' would not know how to ignite that attraction in a woman even if he tried. So him being 'nice' is being 'nice' from a position of incompetence. It's all he got.

A girl is not going to sleep with a guy because he is doing something that you would expect from any human being. 

She will sleep/date/marry the guy for the extras he brings to her life compared to other men. 

Wow, I didn't see it from this perspective. You are right. I really think that the guys should level up. Problem is that most of them (or am I just overgeneralizing and being negative?)  are not there and maybe won't ever be? 

[SFRL]

6 minutes ago, ElenaO said:

Wow, I didn't see it from this perspective. You are write. I really think that the guys should level up. Problem is that most of them (or am I just overgeneralizing and being negative?)  are not there and maybe won't ever be? 

As a guy you want to 'level up' ofcourse. There are always going to be be people who are more attractive to you or less attractive to you. (Or women in general). 

Now that being said there are legions of women out there with completely unrealistic worldviews that are not productive to stable relationships. It's not always men who are to blame. 

[Shin]

5 hours ago, Visionary said:

I think that's how the average person thinks indeed. But once you'll develop on this path, you'll drop the value game. You'll be able to see that this game is pure fiction. Authenticity is what you'll be searching for intuitively. To be honest, i don't even think you'll be searching for it. You'll attract it one way or the other on your own path to authenticity.

Edit: This path is the self-development path, the spiritual path

That's so true, it's just a game that our ego plays, and the ego is never satisfied.

You will never find the perfect guy/girl, because he/she doesn't exist, and even if you think that's not what you're after, this is exactly what your mind is doing in the shadow, otherwise there would be no break-up from your part, and there would be no search of a "better/new relationship".

Having a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't bad in itself (there is nothing wrong with it), but the search, the ego traps, the pain, the anxious thoughts, and everything else that stems from the dating world, is a HUGE WASTE OF TIME, time that you could use to follow your passion, self-mastery, and spiritual work.

So unless you're very developed, very conscious, at the edge of enlightenement, a relationship is nothing but the search of your true self, you're searching for happiness through external circumstance (and this is what 99.99% of people do, including myself when I think about it).

It last for a while, for various reasons, but the love you felt isn't love per say, it's just a fraction of what love is, and love has nothing to do with singularity.

The thing is, happiness will never come from something else than you, not on the long term, so the couple you see that are happy for a very long time, most of them are lying to you, to themself, and to their partner, because there is actually very few people who can be happy with the same person from such an extended period of time.

From a cultural standpoint, it wasn't like this before the 60's (or after, I don't know the exact dates), simply because divorce wasn't accepted, so people HAD to work it out, this explain why some old couple are now happy together, but this is only because they had to stay together, because in their mind it couldn't be any other way (and most of them aren't/or it has nothing to do with the fact that they are together).

So should you date someone who's "better" than you ? Or not ?

It doesn't matter, it won't work either way, not until you realize who you really are,

And even then, your partner won't (probably) accept that you aren't playing the ego game, and you'll end up alone (but at that point you wouldn't care).

 

 

Edited January 24, 2017 by Shin

[aurum]

Women tend to be very unhappy in these kind of relationships. On some level, they resent their man. They resent that he isn't what he could be. So if you're a man, you've got to recognize this and take appropriate action.

That being said, if you're a woman, let's not just go pointing the finger at men and saying "yeah men, why don't you man up? I'm perfect, so it must be your fault if everyone I'm dating sucks".

No. That's immaturity and not taking responsibility for your own life.

If you're not getting the quality of guy you want, ask yourself: what could you do to change this? Because high quality men do exist...and some women are getting them. What are they doing that maybe you're not? Hint, it's probably not all about looks.

The sad thing I see though is that a lot of women just complain about how their man isn't what they want.

Sure, you want him to "just get it". Great. But he doesn't get it. So now what?

Complaining is never the solution. You have to be willing to point the finger at yourself, even if it's painful to admit.

[Elisabeth]

The information you gave in the first post is not enough. I want to date someone, who can walk the path with me. Yes, I will choose a man whom I can admire for something. He has to be interesting. But that is not solely dependent on life experience. And I hope he can admire something in me as well. It doesn't matter that much, if he is behind in some areas, as long as we both have the will to develop and a similar pace. Naturally, I will lead in some things, and he will lead in others. I will choose someone, who wants to see me and wants to be seen, who can love me and the world, and who is devoted to the relationship and the path we walk together. 

[Guest Annetta]

(Now I'm a hypocrite here, because I have not followed this advice personally...)
From what I have read, the more you focus on the negative aspects of your partner the more they become a reality for you and for him.  I've noticed this is the same with families, where if one child isn't acting in a way that the other finds appropriate, the parent will pay so much attention to that aspect, that the child ends up acting out in that negative manner.
You can create certain mannerisms in people that way, apparently.

Truly nice men are very rare in this day and age.  If you have found one, try focusing on his positive qualities instead of the negative and see in a few months how you feel and if he starts changing as a person.  I would even suggest talking to him about the issues you are having and to give you some suggestions on some steps he would like to work through this and grow with you, and how you could support him (emotionally) while he does this.  Men like making women happy, so if he starts changing - really really let him know that he's doing a good job!

And then just keep growing, and eventually he'll catch up!  

Edit:  This showed up in my feed; watched it and now I take back my advice.  

Edited January 24, 2017 by BabyBat

[ajasatya]

@ElenaO women mature faster than men.

my advice for women: find a mature man
my advice for men: grow up. make use of your free time and solitude

[SFRL]

2 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@ElenaO women mature faster than men.

my advice for women: find a mature man
my advice for men: grow up. make use of your free time and solitude

At what age? Because in your late twenties and thirties that doesn't seem to hold truth anymore. 

[clytaemnestra]

11 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

find a mature man

I have a feeling that 'mature men' who are a bit above my level tend not to take things serious and are aware of their maturity, level, however you call it, so they tend to manipulate over women, since they're aware that they can have a 'better' one. 

[ajasatya]

27 minutes ago, STC said:

At what age? Because in your late twenties and thirties that doesn't seem to hold truth anymore. 

true, but it's also true that people at that age usually don't look for help on this subject in places like this. so it's very safe to assume that the readers need that advice, as we can see on her answer:

18 minutes ago, clytaemnestra said:

I have a feeling that 'mature men' who are a bit above my level tend not to take things serious and are aware of their maturity, level, however you call it, so they tend to manipulate over women, since they're aware that they can have a 'better' one. 

@clytaemnestra you are the one who doesn't want to be mature enough not to be manipulated. you are addicted to the safety found on the possibility to manipulate your boyfriend but you feel like you're not growing up with your relationship. it's a typical case of attachment and possessiveness. if you're able to manipulate him, it's his fault. pay attention to the feeling you have about him and put yourself in the position of a mature man who's able to manipulate his girlfriend. why would he take it seriously? is there really a villain?

do you see your contradiction? the only way out of this is realizing that you're eternally free and cannot be manipulated. then you need to soften your heart and reach true Love.

Edited January 24, 2017 by ajasatya