The Longing of my Heart

[Gianna]

On 3/20/2022 at 1:05 AM, Tristan12 said:

like when you suck all the air out of a water bottle and it starts to crumple up.

 

On 3/20/2022 at 1:05 AM, Tristan12 said:

without love…

 I am in pain forever

Precisely. Wow, what a beautiful journal. 

[Tristan12]

@Gianna Thank you 

[Esilda]

4 hours ago, Gianna said:

 

Precisely. Wow, what a beautiful journal. 

Precisely what I was saying to @Tristan12 !!

Keep going!!

[Tristan12]

I was listening to some really beautiful loving music, and getting into a really deep state of love, and I noticed that whenever the love gets really strong, I often get so consumed by it that its like I lose my sense of self, and all that exists is love. I become love, and Tristan is gone. Then, all the sudden, I realized that when I feel this love, it's not Tristan that's doing the loving. It's something much deeper within me that is so in love. As soon as I realized that, the love got SO intense, I dropped to the floor and just started crying so hard. It was like I realized in that moment that I'm not Tristan, I am this deeper thing within me that this love is coming from. It was SO beautiful.

I'm not quite sure what that was, as in what that part of me is that I saw, but it makes me wonder if i'm creeping up on God realization...

[Tristan12]

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." - 1 John 4:16

[RickyFitts]

20 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

I was listening to some really beautiful loving music, and getting into a really deep state of love, and I noticed that whenever the love gets really strong, I often get so consumed by it that its like I lose my sense of self, and all that exists is love. I become love, and Tristan is gone. Then, all the sudden, I realized that when I feel this love, it's not Tristan that's doing the loving. It's something much deeper within me that is so in love. As soon as I realized that, the love got SO intense, I dropped to the floor and just started crying so hard. It was like I realized in that moment that I'm not Tristan, I am this deeper thing within me that this love is coming from. It was SO beautiful.

I'm not quite sure what that was, as in what that part of me is that I saw, but it makes me wonder if i'm creeping up on God realization...

Oh wow, Tristan, this is so beautiful.  

Just keep surrendering to love.

[Tristan12]

@RickyFitts

[RickyFitts]

@Tristan12  

[Tristan12]

"You are unaware the Beloved lives in the core of your heart" - Rumi

[Tristan12]

""Who are you?" I asked love one evening. He said "I am immortality, a beautiful life which has no end."" - Rumi

[Tristan12]

"Every tree is beautiful when touched by sunlight; every soul becomes gold when touched by the Beloved" - Rumi

[RickyFitts]

A Rumi quote came to mind the other day when I was reading your thread, funnily enough: 'Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.'

He's got a big heart, has that Rumi fella. You might even say - oh dear, am I really about to say this? - that he has a very rumi heart.

I'll get me coat.

[Tristan12]

@RickyFitts Lol, yeah Rumi is amazing. I absolutely love his quotes. He's a huge inspiration

[RickyFitts]

@Tristan12 Yeah he's great, love him.  

[Tristan12]

"There is no salvation for the soul but to fall in love. Only lovers can escape out of these two worlds. This was ordained in creation. Only from the heart can you reach the sky: the rose of glory can only grow from the heart" - Rumi

Edited April 30, 2022 by Tristan12

[Tristan12]

I was watching the video Leo posted on his blog from this same channel about Egyptian spirituality. I found this video in the recommended section, and I wanted to share it here as it was really beautiful.

"The basis of creation is Love. God loves his creation, and when his creation passionately loves him back, the purpose of creation is fulfilled."

[Tristan12]

The weirdest thing just happened. Lately I feel like I am getting really close to finishing healing, like it could happen any day now. As I was working on my healing process, I got this glimpse of the lost part of me that I am trying to integrate at a much deeper level than I usually do. What I saw was that from all the hell and suffering I have been through (which comes from the pain this part of me is stuck in), it felt like this part of me had almost become angelic, like I could feel this golden glow around it, and like this part of me was just dying to love so badly and wanted nothing else. It felt like this is the core piece of my heart I am missing, and that once I integrate it, and this part of me is healed and no longer in pain, nothing will be holding back the love. My heart will be free.

Once I saw that, it was like I got a glimpse of what it will be like for me once I heal completely. Nothing will be holding back my love, my heart will be set free, and because my heart is longing for love so fucking badly, that's all it wants to do. As I realized this, the love just got so so strong. Images of lots of things I currently don't like/bother me etc. came to mind and I just didn't care at all. I love them and I want them so badly, it means nothing to me if they bother or hurt me in any way. I love them so much, and i'm crying over how much I want them.

I've had lots of times where I have reached deep states of love, and I have cried really hard and it was really beautiful, but this time, when I got a glimpse of what it looks like my heart will become once I heal and nothing is holding back the love, I experienced love like i'd never felt it before. It was easily 10X any love i've ever felt before, it was just so intense. I realized why I have been through so much hell and suffering over the years. The ridiculous depth and strength of the love I could feel here, I could feel it was directly proportionate to all the suffering I have been through. I could tell that the depth of the love I felt here and will feel in the future is only possible because of the depth of the pain I have been through, and how badly my heart wants to love as a result.

Every excruciating moment of suffering I have been through, day after day, year after year, is gas thrown on the fire of my heart, and the fire is fucking raging. My heart is like a horse that's been locked in a cramped stall all its life that will finally be set free into an endless field, free to run, and my heart is going to take off.

Usually when I get into a deep state love like this and I am crying, it lasts for a minute or two, but then I cool down and get out of it. But this, I just couldn't let go. I started to come down and wipe my tears, but then it just pulled me deeper. I could see what my heart will become once I heal and I just couldn't get over it. It felt like my heart is just going to go mad in love, I could see the potential for it, and I just could not stop crying, for a good 10 minutes. I've never had anything like that ever happen before.

Rumi has this quote: "Your heart is cooking a pot of food for you. Be patient until it is cooked". I realize that what I discovered here, what my heart will become once I heal, this is what my heart is becoming, this is this "pot of food". This is the reason why I have been through all the suffering I have. This was God's intention.

What will become of my life after this? How will I live? What will I be like as a person? I can't wait to find out.

 

"I am hopelessly in love with you, no point giving me advice. I have drunk love's poison, no point taking any remedy. They want to chain my feet but what's the point when it is my heart that's gone mad!" - Rumi

 

[Tristan12]

My heart and God's heart are the same. My ridiculously deep desire for love over everything else is the same as God's desire for love. I understand how God feels about love, and God understands how I feel about love. Our desires are one and the same. That's why I feel such belonging and so at home with existential love, and why love touches me so deeply and causes such intense reactions within me.

PS: don't take this too literally, I have not become fully conscious of God yet and so I don't fully understand God. Everything I said here is just how I feel when I become immersed in existential love, and how I react to it.

[Tristan12]

Lose yourself, Lose yourself in this love.

When you lose yourself in this love, you will find everything.

 

Lose yourself, lose yourself.

Do not fear this loss, for you will rise from the earth and embrace the endless heavens.

 

Lose yourself, lose yourself.

Escape from this earthy form, for this body is a chain and you are a prisoner. 

Smash through the prison wall and walk outside with the kings and princes.

 

Lose yourself, lose yourself at the foot of the glorious King.

When you lose yourself before the King, you will become the King.

 

Lose yourself, lose yourself.

Escape from the black cloud that surrounds you.

Then you will see your own light as radiant as the full moon.

 

Now enter that silence, this is the surest way to lose yourself.

 

What is your life about anyway?

Nothing but a struggle to be someone, nothing but a running from your own silence.

 

- Rumi

[Tristan12]