Innerstanding

[BlueOak]

After gaining a deeper understanding from a certain couple of video's Leo created.

Part of me still looked for other. Before these videos I was at the point of believing all others were me but were still other, having their own dream as I was, connected but separated. Now i've accepted that all is self everything is created in mind, experienced by mind, reflected by mind, and aspects of me depicted to talk to or argue with, referenced and transitioned into other things by me. The resistance initially I think was also that felt selfish :D. 

I heard the phrase all is self in 2011 or so but I never understood it so much as I do now. I've had moments where reality fell away more and opened up in the last couple of days and I realised why for 10 years I stopped caring about most things. I didn't get depressed or lonely because i'd already had that part of the awakening. Also I realised where reality can be manipulated slightly around the edges more. Especially in acceptance of self and so what is accepted in you to then be shown back. I've seen how reality shapes around myself more. Many more aspects of reality have been accepted as mine, and parts of me that I resisted.

I repeat these words to my own dream to understand them further. To invite everything created to be realised fully. But I still seek control of the dream. Understanding intellectually I am controlling it and seeing this in its reflection to how it changes as I do, I am lacking in actualizing my own will upon my life/dream, which is entirely built inside of me. A paradox.

To thank Leo again. I keep spelling your name Lego when I type :D, for me your words were the blocks I was missing. I still feel occasionally drawn into events, I still feel pulled but nowhere near with the velocity or speed that I had in the past. I feel I am choosing more than being drawn anywhere. It hasn't gone away yet. Maybe in more videos or self reflection that lack of control will ease as I feel I gain more of it internally or at least my apathy will finally be no more.

All the best. Gratitude

[Preety_India]

Welcome my friend. 

[BlueOak]

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Welcome my friend. 

[BlueOak]

So a behavior trait I am disliking in myself and so will now begin to create/reflect that dislike in those around me.

The need to convince myself of something. I was rewarded as a young kid for this, it was seen as a beneficial thing to do. If I am talking to myself, reflecting the aspects of myself, back to myself when conversing with an imagined other. Then convincing myself that one aspect is better than an imagined other I have always felt a bad feeling from. Now that feeling forms resistance to splintering right from left, or yes from no.

Doesn't mean I can't assign meaning to different aspects of reality but I want to separate out trying to piece together understanding through sharing conversation, from trying to achieve a result with a conversation. They've always felt different and at the moment that feeling of disliking it is magnified, resistance in the body itself. I feel it in the solar plexus.

I see people stuck in loops, stuck with the same meaning reflected, consistently saying it. It bothers me, perhaps the consistency is bothering me and its something I need to try and address again. My feelings of apathy are still there, which makes consistency toward a particular goal that isn't survival based unappealing. 

 

 

[Razard86]

1 hour ago, BlueOak said:

So a behavior trait I am disliking in myself and so will now begin to create/reflect that dislike in those around me.

The need to convince myself of something. I was rewarded as a young kid for this, it was seen as a beneficial thing to do. If I am talking to myself, reflecting the aspects of myself, back to myself when conversing with an imagined other. Then convincing myself that one aspect is better than an imagined other I have always felt a bad feeling from. Now that feeling forms resistance to splintering right from left, or yes from no.

Doesn't mean I can't assign meaning to different aspects of reality but I want to separate out trying to piece together understanding through sharing conversation, from trying to achieve a result with a conversation. They've always felt different and at the moment that feeling of disliking it is magnified, resistance in the body itself. I feel it in the solar plexus.

I see people stuck in loops, stuck with the same meaning reflected, consistently saying it. It bothers me, perhaps the consistency is bothering me and its something I need to try and address again. My feelings of apathy are still there, which makes consistency toward a particular goal that isn't survival based unappealing. 

This trait is called the need to be right. It isn't a bad trait, its a trait that pushed you to find meaning. This means in whatever you do your tendency is to figure out how things work and what the point of everything is. It is a trait of a seeker, and it is the trait that led you here. I have the same trait that you do and sometimes as a result I might overstep boundaries and attempt to persuade forcefully using debate tactics to make someone submit to my way of thinking. So yeah when it is out of balance you may be too aggressive but when it is in balance you are just very curious and inquisitive. It is a sign of a creative person which means you are very creative. You have a way to seeing things from multiple points of view since you desire to investigate and get to the bottom of things from every angle. 

Upon observation Leo has the same trait, its why he according to his own words he was skeptical of everything even skepticism itself.

Quote

 

 

Edited March 21, 2022 by Razard86

[BlueOak]

@Razard86

Thank you

[BlueOak]

Why do I have such a problem with aspects of self in the dream, portraying a perception as reality. When that is what I do in my dream every day all day. It can't be any other way because I created that experience for myself when I interpreted the meaning of it. As I realised this earlier again, I hope this duality is closed now. That it won't cause adverse reaction from me anymore. Everything is a interpretation we ourselves create to be as we want it to be.

Most of the inner minds voice has collapsed but I am still dealing with emotional memory. I still get faint suggestions but much less again. There is almost permanent pressured stillness around my body especially my head right now.

I painted a fence today and pictured that for this moment it was all reality was experiencing. I thought how devoid of meaning that would be. Then I wrestle with whether reality/source/god/life is all, at once, or me at once. The concept of all bothers me. I want to consider that all minds are experiencing reality and I am all of them, but that implies a separation/duplication of experience that doesn't exist.

Every day I see it more, that what I put out comes back. The more I accept it does, then it does. I used to try to bargain with myself to just make something happen or work :D. I've seen that in people many times but the dream only reflects me to myself, I can send out some of what I want to see but what comes back is what is. I have not been able to make the mechanism of the dream work differently than that, although i've bent it time to time, and ignored it plenty.

I also wondered if I had been less of a loner, and more of a social mind, that I might have imagined a more social philosophy to reference reality. Maybe that is something for me/reality/the referenced world, to develop.

Edited March 23, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

Quoting myself to save time, what I wrote for someone else:

Quote

Its a very tough time. Good training then to stabilize your own body, mind, life, emotions, psyche, spirit, reality in the middle of all of it. Collectively it is good training to collectively stabalize our financial systems, our countries identity, their military alliances, how we treat our neighbors.

Its definitely an opportunity to take on other's perspectives else yours will feel increasingly pressured and crushed by the weight of anger, hate and directed pressure. This also applies collectively.

Democracy is declining, civil rights are being challenged everywhere. We are realising what they have in common with autocratic states and what is different. I had to yesterday/today realise and accept the part of myself that is authoritarian. That tells people what the world should be,  what they should want, how they should live. I realise now when its accepted, that's in everyone, on every news network, in every speaker and every world leader. It is also the driving force of democracy, wanting our world to be how we want it. 

The only difference is democracies have room to listen to other perspectives. Not all perspectives, clearly, but some. They collectively balance out societies will less brutally than an autocracy, but they are still heavily influenced by those in control.

BUT here is the thing. I am still wanting my result. I am still wanting mediation to happen between those differing perspectives. I am still wanting collective understanding. Its a want.

Does that want ever go away? Will I ever just accept this is how it is, and everything that happens, happens exactly the way it was meant to, that its designed to do exactly that. I am reaching here, because I sat down in meditation today and just asked to be love. I saw the vortex we see in meditation, mine is always purple, and asked three times. 

I am asking myself, sounds very stupid but isn't that what we always do too. I don't always understand why its considered better to be receptive than ask, I always practiced receptivity in spiritual work. Maybe its because its more accepting of what is, so things move more easily. It also doesn't put you in a completely passive state of asking, or you in the controlling state of just acting for a set determined result. I let some purifying tears go. Which is always a good sign. 

I feel spirit more again now, full bodied smiles I used to call it. I want to stop playing around in green causes, to stop needing to understand everyone else in yellow and just begin to accept again the collective beauty of life. War makes that very difficult, but its what I want. I experienced pure love once for 5 minutes which lasted 2 days, and it changed my life, I want that again without the crash off the end of a conflict cliff I experienced last time.

Good luck to us all, and gratitude to all.

 

Edited March 24, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

So today I went from saying everything is interpretation to everything is mind. Meaning all of reality will now reflect this to me.

I realise that the hand moving to touch the table was all in my mind, the visual, the sound, the movement. I want a better word for that to bridge this to others who have thought abstractly about that. 

Every single experience you've ever had is not only interpreted in your mind but exists there, it can't be any other way. I can't say there is no spoon yet but I can say the spoon is entirely in your mind, what it means, where it is, what it looks like, how it feels.

Maybe the next stage is a neo there is no spoon realisation, I feel I am close. The hand is in the mind, so mind is all that exists, the objects around me exist as part of my mind, so there is no spoon, only a reference in the mind. The inner conscious mind again is mostly silent as the body/mind adjusts.

Gratitude

Edited March 25, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

I argued with a stage green who was virtue signaling about other wars on a war video. I concluded eventually that's exactly what a stage green would do, because its the precise time they would get the most attention for their want. I apologized to them at the end.

From where they are everyone has a understandable position, when you understand their motivations, where they are coming from and what drives them to do what they do.  It could not be otherwise because you assign the meaning, interpret the act, all which exists only in your own mind.

Created by you. This bit gets me. I don't feel I am creating the act of something, I lack this realisation. The meaning is created by me, and if the meaning or interpretation of what I am seeing, hearing or understanding is created by me, then everything referenced is created by me. Hopefully that duality between creation and interpretation is now closer to folding.

I didn't put the person in front of me talking to me, or tell them what to say. Make the rain come or the birds move. Yet I know they are in my mind only. This is what I struggled with ten years ago, this point. Because I desire control so much, or rather an 'outcome'. I haven't been able to let go of the need for outcome yet, or want as I talked about earlier. I understand without outcome i'd be dead in a day, its a necessary part of life but it brings conflict with the understanding that mind is all.

What I feel is there are different layers of mind. Conscious - Personal Will, Sub Conscious - Revolving around you, Super Consciousness - Everything else. There may be more layers than this, and a long time ago when someone told me we are in wombs of consciousness, or an egg waiting to hatch I understand what they mean more now.

*Maybe these layers of mind act differently, so the term 'want' doesn't exist in some of them. Want being the basic need for survival and prosperity in the immediate world around you. The reference, the want and their relationship created by the conscious mind only.

Edited March 25, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

Infinity: Watch yourself, Watching yourself. That's how reality is sustained indefinitely. 

All is mind and seeing ourselves outwardly is how inwardly reality remains constructed. I mean this on all levels or all aspects of life.

There might be more to it but that seems worth mentioning.

Edited March 26, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

Understanding or What can't be understood.
Identity or Dis identification.
Want or Sacrifice of Want
Conflict or Wholeness.

Every action chooses. 

Reality is addicting. The want for a result or to be right, or to win is intoxicating. Its like a mild high. Conflict is taking that want to an intensity even further. Surrounding myself with identities is emotion, fuels it, its safe and powerful . The need to understand or interpret a greater meaning draws me in every time. Then I want to win, or be right when I interpret it, even if I try to be as broad or just deep as possible.

I know why I am here right now. I understand why I am doing what I am doing and I understand the purpose. Understanding isn't enough.

Detoxing the mind is the most important and its one I least want to do again. I was so happy before when I did, but I am addicted now to the intensity of conflict I find it difficult not to engage in it. I used to write stories that were so intricate and fascinating, the characters drew people in to be part of their world of conflict. In that sense I was a cause of addictions.

A month ago someone asked here how to create world peace. Conflict will exist while people are addicted to how it makes them feel engaging in and watching it. The need to win, to be right, to defeat the perceived other part of themselves, the intensity of emotions. Its so easy when you are not in physical peril, but even that physical peril doesn't deter some.

[BlueOak]

When we seek to understand something we identify with the conclusion. We form that as the basis of our new reality or relationship with it. Guard it. Fight for it. Every action is then based around what we concluded, even if we revisit the identity created to expand it, we are doing so from the point of attachment. 

If I can give up the need to understand, I can be free of attachment to the need of identity. I won't fight to defend what I have considered my reality or attack other aspects of myself for expressing outside of what I have accepted as reality.

Edited March 27, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

Today I have straddled the types of mind/body I spend most time in, as well I spent a few hours outside in meditation in the sun, I have been feeling love from gratitude toward food and people. I spent some time watching news on the war. I spent some time watching Mooji and Greg. I spent some time full condensed in immediate imagination of 'want' and also almost felt the physical start to shift or come undone when I tried to observe what was observing the sensations in meditation. I made a few small prayers from a place of peace.

I would describe these bodies as physical - emotional - inner spirit - imagination - consciousness - (sub consciousness?) - energy body - the immediate body beyond the subconscious

For sometime it has been obvious to me that my consciousness contracts when I spent it on conflict. It expands when I let go of attachment. I'd always liked Mooji because how can you not :D, but i'd never found the subtlety of his teachings enough for understanding, only reassurance. Letting go of needing to understand perspectives or draw identifying conclusions I now feel more drawn to his videos. Especially given its opposing balancing nature to the current output of media, focus and conversation

I also feel 70% of the day is now not in the direct egoic consciousness. Which is great.

Edited March 28, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

The rest of the day went downhill. That 70% became 5%. 

I painted another fence, and was getting some mental chatter some stillness, and a few dips into imagination entirely. I was somewhat happy though. 
So I went back to check on the war and the news. I got increasingly angry, to the point right now that I've almost lost my temper completely. I made a conscious choice toward division and separation. I found that question in my mind and have a burning emotion inside myself, like I almost felt at the start of this conflict.

I hate the Russian arrogance i've seen, and so the Arrogance inside myself. 
I hate the desire for one perspective alone to be correct, inside Russian speakers and so inside myself.
I hate the brutal use of force to solve a problem. I understand I could be driven to that if I was indoctrinated and forced to at gunpoint but i'd just as likely accept the bullet.
I hate that Russia could get a limited victory from this, and will be rewarded for slaughtering people in their homes and turning cities into rubble. I hate that violence is an answer.
I hate that a year from now people will be doing business again like nothing happened, that people want that rather than consequence. I hate there being no permanence or real consequence for actions.
I hate that no lessons will be learned from this, they barely ever are.
I hate people using this war to make political points about other situations, even as I said in another post I know its effective.
I have a lot of hate right now. Toward those supporting this war, those wanting to forget, those wanting to continue making money despite it all. While I work through it I know that's hating parts of me. So it lessens as I type this. Its all green emotion that I chose to engage in again.

I could just stop watching and take the easy way out. But if I can't stop reacting to conflict like this, its going to blindside me at another point in the future, just like before. If you are spiritually and/or energetically active and it does, then its really painful. I can't go through different spiritual routines and practices, while still having these emotional attachments. There has to be a better way than just ignoring it now like the population is beginning to do. I also hate that, I hate when people look away and so I hate the want to do that inside myself.

A hateful day. I hope yours was better. At least I got a fence done. *shrug*

Edited March 28, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

Maybe I needed to be okay with violence as an answer. I was too much of a coward in the past whenever it came up. That we need to realise and accept a more dangerous world to be closer to what it actually is. That will go both ways, war needs to be accepted as a new norm. I fought against this when China was invading regions around it, Russia the same, America the same, Other regional powers the same. Maybe I was wrong. Doesn't mean I want it but I have to be okay with it. We in Europe have become rich fat cowards unable to accept the reality of war.

With the new nationalist empowerment i've fought against this change since about 2012 when I gave up on spirituality because I saw it accepting this aspect of us. I saw it there first because those people were more openly conscious. I feel that I have to accept it as part of me. I had suicidal thoughts last night, only briefly. First time in a couple of months. I used to get them every couple of weeks. So life isn't as bad as it was, as I accept more of it. It was why I isolated myself completely for so long, and stopped interacting with the world. Because I was in so much angry resistance to this aspect of me.

So today I accept war as part of me. Violence and brutality as an accepted way for countries and people to act. Doesn't mean I want it, but its accepted.

*This is harder than powerlessness was to integrate. Its not as soul crushing but its certainly more difficult.

Edited March 29, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

My Addictions:

Conflict.
Outcome.
Understanding.

Therapies:

Conflict: Detox from violence, in games, movies and media.
Outcome: Try a lot more things with no outcome in mind. 1 new thing a day. | Don't seek outcome in conversations or interactions.
Understanding: Stop asking why on everything. Stop trying to find a greater truth to all things, except that is a rat in a maze forever hunting the cheese and just experience life. 

Personal Life/Body Goals:

Mind: Keep Meditating in the morning. Whatever comes up is fine. Find positive channels that I used to fill my mind with.
Energy: Start Energetic work again, continue yoga. I have forgotten all the old teachers and programs I used in the past. I trust they will come to me again, the one I most want to remember is where energy is circled in the centers through the body.
Body: Ran today for the first time in two months. Still getting back into weights, third week next week after a two month break.
Finances: Sold something off to make way for a new course in ? Will decide when it comes in, and look for inspiration.
Dream: Start instructing the Dream Body again on goals while sleeping
Emotions: I'm Practicing Gratitude again and feeling/being a different way. I am unsure whether I need to neutralise emotions as before, as that leads to bubbles or detachment but perhaps some limited emotional control will be useful again. In certain situations.
House: Keep working on the Garden, getting out in nature again. 
Family: Not sure. I'm never sure. I'll tackle it as it comes as always.
Spiritual: Set spiritual goals again. Third Eye Work again. Spiritual ear work again. Lucid dream training again.

That's what I have tonight as I sleep. It was a better day. I had that emotional outburst toward conflict, and apologize to anyone it effected, wherever they are and wherever I met them. My addiction to conflict is my biggest roadblock right now. 

So I put my hands together and stay in gratitude for a few minutes for all of us. Thank you.

Edited March 30, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

So I had some limited success but not much. Obviously conflict, outcome and understanding have a place, but as with anything they can become too often sort after.

As I type this another way to speak of it is division. Conflict is division. Expecting Outcome is division from reality. Understanding can be division when it comes at the expense of experiencing life. I can almost fold outcome and understanding into one. Expectancy. It's not quite true but its close. All these things can come from a healthy place but they can also get in the way of yourself/life.

Spiritual experience for example will be diminished if you seek understanding of how it happened as opposed to the message or experience itself. Its the same with many things in life, how as opposed to why. Spiritual experiences for me used to feel like free fall, because I had a shadow of powerlessness. Now my powerlessness is worn on my sleeve and doesn't manifest unconsciously.

Conflict and division though is still in the manifestation of my spiritual experience. That's why I reached a state of consciousness that was more settled than when I started on the forum, to have an emotional peak and blow out. Its why I eat to feel love then feel conflicted with my need to lose weight. I am still exercising but I always put myself in a battle, between the weightloss and the gym work. 

If something isn't a battle or competition i'm not even sure I know how to live in it. I mostly just coexist passively or remain apart from whatever is going on. Probably remnants of my abusive upbringing, but conflict is in everything and everyone at the moment and so it makes it hard to ignore. I feel more at home in the tension of conflict or the isolation of covid because how the world currently feels is normal to me. 

Edited April 5, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

There is only mind. The concept of mind is in the mind. So there is only this.

I still find myself at odd times picturing there are many minds, then I remind myself that nothing exists but what I perceive in my mind, or feel in my chest. Other than that I am not sure what is left to learn, no direction is tugging me, I don't feel pressure like I used to or create it outside of myself.

In meditation I've sometimes gone further into the sensation I feel, especially around the forehead, they are different states. One was full and liquid almost, I've experienced that only once. It felt a more full sensation than air usually feels.

I was practicing going back to my writing to see if I could stay in a greater state of awareness, without being drawn into the characters or story. This is a bit like lifting weights or meditating in a loud area. Possible but it can be challenging. If I stay in a wider awareness I don't connect or form the identities required for those characters to have life. I've taken a couple of days off writing, which I carried on for a good few weeks. I am not sure if this will be a permanent break, it is still a gift I have cultivated, but each word forms another block of identity.

I watched Acharya Prashant give his opinion on how people not valuing consciousness, but only thinking about the body, leads to things like prostitution or eating meat, where everything is just carbon/water. I related this to the abortion debate, where before the fetus is conscious it is purely part of the mother's body/consciousness. When it has awareness it becomes its own conscious being. His talk helped elevate my understanding of a few topics. I also watched him recently go through a phase I went through, and many of us do, when his ego realized that after he's gone so little progress will have been made. I like and relate to him as he acknowledges his ego and vulnerabilities.

It's a big world we don't change much but our words go further than we know, eternity is a long time to carry them on. I am still looking for how I will contribute. I am seeking.

All the best.

*Here are the video(s)

 

Edited May 13, 2022 by BlueOak