What is the root cause of jealousy or possessiveness and hot to get rid of them?

[Valach]

Hey guys,

Recently I have been thinking about how jealous and possessive I tend to get in my current relationship. I have been dating my gf for quite some time now and I have noticed that whenever she mentions that she hangs out with her guy friends, that she finds somebody attractive or just goes out to a party where she will drink, I get a little jealous. I don't mention it to her and don't forbid her anything, but I definitely stings and I experience a little bit of anxiety (eg. she's at a party a doesn't text me as usual or something like that). I really noticed it today, because she mentioned that she might go out for a coffee with a guy she used to sleep with before meeting me (he invited her).

Interestingly enough, I always though that there is always one person that is more invested in a relationship and that person is also the more jealous one. But it's not in our case, I have generally been less invested and was thinking recently about breaking things off with her, while she would definitely want to keep the relationship going, yet I am definitely more jealous one (as she is super secure, being fine with me hanging out with her ex once or quickly getting over me kissing other girl at a party).

Recently we have started about the possibility of having an open relationship, which is something I might want to try. But also I think with my issues with jealousy I am not in a place to have one before I resolve them. So if any of you guys had issues with this and managed to resolve them, could share your insights?

Edited March 19, 2022 by Valach

[puporing]

This sounds more like an open relationship set up to me. If that's not what you're looking for/ready for and if that's what she wants then it's ultimately incompatible at this point in your lives. 

[Lyubov]

Nothing wrong with how you feel and you aren’t broke or needing to be fixed or needing to get rid of these feelings. They are there for a reason. You have a need for something that isn’t being fulfilled. I personally wouldn’t seriously date a woman who wants to hang out with a guy who used to fuck her. I would try to avoid my heart getting too entangled with such a woman. I’ve learned my lesson here. I’ve tried it before and it was awful. I wasn’t even concerned about cheating. It’s a matter of boundaries to me. That is just messy IMO and her past should be in her past if any relationship between us is to work. I would screen/sniff stuff like this out before getting too committed with a woman. Def learned my lesson here lol. Keep these sexually liberated ones for fwb and hooking up. Don’t save her. She don’t wanna be saved. Maybe you are ok with it though, absolutely nothing wrong with that if you are, doesn’t sound like you are though. I would make it clear that you have a need for this not to happen. If she isn’t willing to fulfill that need then there is nothing wrong with her, you both just aren’t compatible in this way and you can look for another girl who doesn’t press these buttons as much and she can look for a guy who is fine with this.  

Edited March 19, 2022 by Lyubov

[Valach]

@Lyubov Well I am not really ok with it per say. I am fairly confident she is not interested in him at all. Normally I would tell her that it's against my limits, but the issue here is that she did let me meet up with my ex couple of weeks ago and also since I am quite jealous in general in the relationship, I wasn't sure if I have any ground here before I resolve the issue. 

I am pretty confident however If I told her I am not okay with this, she won't do it.

Also I don't want to be making any rules now, since I am in the process of evaluating whether I want to end a relationship. And I would just look like a douche to forbid her to meet a guy and then break up with her in two weeks.

 

@puporing

The relationship until now was not set up. And I didn't describe it correctly. She has no desire to have an open relationship. However after some of our talks she sensed (rightly so) that I want to reconsider the relationship since I still have desire to meet other woman. So she offered to open up relationship to avoid a break up I suppose.

Edited March 19, 2022 by Valach

[Lyubov]

Ok so it sounds like you have to get clear with yourself first what you want. Start by deciding if you want to be in a relationship with her or not . And second then re evaluate boundaries. Absolutely nothing wrong with asking what you want from her and communicating that in a clear and respectful ways. Boundaries can be re negotiated at any time. I wouldn’t use what you just said as an excuse to avoid expressing what you want from her. There isn’t gonna be much hope for this relationship if you avoid this and it won’t be pleasant either cause you will feel resentful for letting this slide by.

[Valach]

@Lyubov

RIght, that makes sense. I think I will mention it to her anyways. I think even if we break up, she can always meet that guy later since he's been trying for almost a year now. 

Would you say me meeting my 'ex' was out of line too? And did you have to fight your own jealousy at some point? I am asking you since I saw your posts recently and I resonated with you quite a bit.

[RendHeaven]

inexperience

[puporing]

@Valach It's a bit complicated to explain it all. I don't know if you're more into monogamy or non-monogamy for starters or where you stand with that. I think that's something for you to figure out first (might take awhile too ) as the answer to your question will be quite different depending.

This forum you will get mostly monogamy-oriented answers/viewpoints something to consider.

Edited March 20, 2022 by puporing

[Valach]

5 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

inexperience

So you suggest breaking up and having more experience?

[Chakra Lion]

Why are we jealous of our partner getting love and attention? Shouldn’t we want them to be overflowing with enjoyment and goodness from all sources? As we too would want the freedom to have.
 

You want her yet you don’t. Maybe you are possessive because you have monkey brain. My banana, my tree, I don’t know why, I’m a survival monkey.

[flowboy]

On 19/03/2022 at 8:54 PM, Valach said:

Recently I have been thinking about how jealous and possessive I tend to get in my current relationship. I have been dating my gf for quite some time now and I have noticed that whenever she mentions that she hangs out with her guy friends, that she finds somebody attractive or just goes out to a party where she will drink, I get a little jealous. I don't mention it to her and don't forbid her anything, but I definitely stings and I experience a little bit of anxiety (eg. she's at a party a doesn't text me as usual or something like that). I really noticed it today, because she mentioned that she might go out for a coffee with a guy she used to sleep with before meeting me (he invited her).

Two components to this type of jealousy:

1. Reciprocal distrust.
   Might you go out for a coffee with a girl you used to sleep with, do you feel no doubt whatsoever that you wouldn't make out with her if she tried?
   If you're not absolutely clear and certain that you wouldn't "cheat", then you can't trust your significant other in the same way.
   This is also related to karma.
   People are wired to expect others to work the same way as them.
   That means that if you can't be 100% trusted, you can't 100% trust anyone else.
2. Lack of groundedness and being 'enough'.
   The possibility of your girlfriend going out and getting hit on, and potentially seduced, is only scary if you're not 100% okay and happy on your own. If you feel like you need her to feel complete, you will get this type of jealousy.
   If you're grounded in yourself, then if she makes a mistake in the relationship, well that's a nuisance but you're still fine. The consequences are for her, because she's the one who stepped out, so she'll have to make it up to you or deal with a breakup. You're still doing great either way.
   And if you are truly this grounded, then the possibility of her cheating wouldn't even enter your mind. It just feels like a silly and ridiculous idea, because YOU feel so valuable! Where else would she even find that?
   
   This ties into our cultural norms as well.
   It's so normalised to 'need' the other person to feel complete, it's everywhere in pop songs and movies.
   No wonder then, that this type of jealousy is so common.

Edited March 23, 2022 by flowboy

[Valach]

28 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Two components to this type of jealousy:

1. Reciprocal distrust.
   Might you go out for a coffee with a girl you used to sleep with, do you feel no doubt whatsoever that you wouldn't make out with her if she tried?
   If you're not absolutely clear and certain that you wouldn't "cheat", then you can't trust your significant other in the same way.
   This is also related to karma.
   People are wired to expect others to work the same way as them.
   That means that if you can't be 100% trusted, you can't 100% trust anyone else.

Could very possible be the case for me not trusting her. I feel like I am not the one who is 100% to be trusted.  However I am 100% confident that due to the way our communication is set up, we would tell each other if we did some mistakes. So I can trust at least on that.

28 minutes ago, flowboy said:

1. Lack of groundedness and being 'enough'.
   The possibility of your girlfriend going out and getting hit on, and potentially seduced, is only scary if you're not 100% okay and happy on your own. If you feel like you need her to feel complete, you will get this type of jealousy.
   If you're grounded in yourself, then if she makes a mistake in the relationship, well that's a nuisance but you're still fine. The consequences are for her, because she's the one who stepped out, so she'll have to make it up to you or deal with a breakup. You're still doing great either way.
   And if you are truly this grounded, then the possibility of her cheating wouldn't even enter your mind. It just feels like a silly and ridiculous idea, because YOU feel so valuable! Where else would she even find that?
   
   This ties into our cultural norms as well.
   It's so normalised to 'need' the other person to feel complete, it's everywhere in pop songs and movies.
   No wonder then, that this type of jealousy is so common.

Yes. You are super right here. I have recently started working a lot, solely focusing on my goals and myself. Due to this we see each other like once every 2 weeks (will change soon). This made me quite grounded and confident in myself and reduced the overall jealousy in day to day life. However now I feel more jealous when she goes out to a party or something, because before I would just hang out with my friends or something, but since I am kinda on a grind I am usually just programming at my home while she parties which definitely makes me feel weaker.

 

@flowboy Would you say that fixing my jealousy issues is something that could transfer and enable me have a open relationship with her. I don't think my jealousy is bad (even she said so, she was surprised that I even have some when I mentioned it), but it definitely would be bad if I found out she slept with someone else. And you know what kinda my situation is and why I am considering to have a open relationship

Thanks for answering!

 

[flowboy]

2 minutes ago, Valach said:

However I am 100% confident that due to the way our communication is set up, we would tell each other if we did some mistakes. So I can trust at least on that.

 

2 minutes ago, Valach said:

but it definitely would be bad if I found out she slept with someone else. 

You can see how these two things are at odds

 

Your standard of behavior is to maybe make a mistake, but then be honest about it.

So then, this is what you expect from her as well.

And you're not okay with that outcome.

[Valach]

6 minutes ago, flowboy said:

 

You can see how these two things are at odds

 

Your standard of behavior is to maybe make a mistake, but then be honest about it.

So then, this is what you expect from her as well.

And you're not okay with that outcome.

 

Sure I can see that. It would be bad breaking the rules of the relationship now. But once we open up there is nothing stopping us from meeting other people, so what would cause jealousy then?

[flowboy]

2 minutes ago, Valach said:

But once we open up there is nothing stopping us from meeting other people, so what would cause jealousy then?

How would you feel if she went on the same coffee meeting with that guy you mentioned, only now you both agreed she's allowed to sleep with people? Would that suddenly clear up your unease, whilst sitting behind your desk working while she's out on a date?

Edited March 23, 2022 by flowboy

[Valach]

@flowboy Hmm, I don't think so honestly. I think it would make me more anxious and make me ruminate over if she is gonna do it or not. But it's hard to tell, I've never been in such a situation.

Edited March 23, 2022 by Valach

[flowboy]

@Valach  Well, that's what an open relationship does.

I've done it.

I wouldn't recommend against it or for it, just to keep in mind that everything is reciprocal.

• What you get to do, she gets to do. It will confront you with your deepest insecurities, and this can be good for self-development but also takes a lot of emotional energy to work through. It can take away from the energy you have for your work. But this can be worth it. If you want to work on your jealousy by confronting it, it can be a good path. I learnt a lot about women's sexuality from being in an open relationship. Just don't expect it to be easy.
  If you take this path with your eyes open, being willing to be confronted with your deepest insecurities and willing to invest the energy to learn and grow from that, then it can be a good thing. It's not the "I get to do whatever I want with no stress" setup that it can seem like, though.
• What you can be trusted to do and not do, that's how much you can trust her. So you have to define the standards for behavior within the relationship, in a way where you can 100% be committed to embodying those standards, and also this is how you want to be treated.
• What you don't want her to do, you can not do. You're only as free as you're comfortable with her being. That means if you want her to warn you beforehand, or ask permission, or consult with you before she goes on a date, then you have to do the same (unless you define it asymmetrically)

Regardless of what you call your relationship, your woman will only feel good if it's well-defined what the standards and boundaries are. If she's completely free to do whatever with no rules, then typically she won't feel safely contained in the relationship, and will start acting like she's single and her emotional commitment to you can become diminished. Because you're not embodying a masculine energy that contains her.
If you don't create a proper framework, and just say "we can do whatever we want now", you may as well break up, because that doesn't feel like a relationship, especially to the feminine.

So my recommendation is to sit down with yourself and create a framework of how you want the relationship to work, what's okay and not okay, and then propose it to her, get her input, and see if you both are willing to commit to that.

Edited March 23, 2022 by flowboy

[Valach]

@flowboy

You are right. I guess I might give a try since it might be so challenging for me and we will see, worst case scenario we can break up. Right now I have couple of weeks left before getting to normal state with her so I can think about all the boundaries I would like to propose to her. We might not in the end even find common ground there so might ditch the idea after all.

If I can ask you, how would you use such experience to grow into a better man and combat the jealousy and insecurity you feel inside youself?

[flowboy]

6 minutes ago, Valach said:

If I can ask you, how would you use such experience to grow into a better man and combat the jealousy and insecurity you feel inside youself?

1. Don't combat. What you resist, persists. Start being grateful and curious towards everything you feel.
2. Combine it with shadow work / inner child work. This is a must, if you want permanent growth. Use your favourite method. I also have a video on it.

[Valach]

@flowboy

I will check out your video about it. Thanks for all the advice