Is it okay to be called a bitch in a relationship?

[puporing]

14 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Can anyone give me an example of how this communication will look like? 

So let's say there was some disagreement about something.. a more trivial example like leaving dishes in the sink. Person A feels they want to get it all in one go so they leave the day's dishes in the sink and let it accumulate while person B wants to keep it clear as they go and feels stressed out/like they have to always clean dishes after the other whenever they come to the kitchen.

One way to approach it would be... "Hey I know where you're coming from with doing a big clean in one go each day and that could be really efficient, I'm on board with that when we have large amounts of dishes. But I love the feeling of coming to a nice clean kitchen that's ready to go whenever I come in. I feel bogged down by dishes when that's the first thing I have to do to use the kitchen. Having a clear sink would really help me feel excited about making food and drinks here, do you think you could help me by clearing out the sink as much as possible throughout the day?" Express genuinely how it makes you feel while being empathetic to where the other came from. 

In this case you're acknowledging why the other person might prefer their way while expressing your needs. They might still get upset at first and we can't really control how they react after that point. But less likely when it is expressed without disrespect to the other. 

[puporing]

1 minute ago, Knowledge Hoarder said:

1 hour ago, Yarco said:

Only in bed while he's choking you

First thing that came to my mind hahah. Glad someone said it for me.?

Well yeah in that case, it would be desired not unwanted. ?

[Federico del pueblo]

5 hours ago, Preety_India said:

How fair or okay is it to be called a "bitch" in a relationship during an argument? 

How many times until it is not okay? 

What if a man calls you a bitch only once during an argument? 

Should the relationship be broken over it or should there be second chances? 

 

Neither a woman being called a bitch, nor a man being called an asshole is ok in an relationship.

I'm ofc assuming now that nobody did anything that's absolutely terrible, like stealing a 1000$ from the other one to buy drugs or whatever.

Only in one relationship I've been called certain insulting names. The relationship never recovered from that one (final) incident and a few months later it was over.

Non-violent communication is what you need in a relationship.

"Can we talk? What you said yesterday about [xyz] hurt my feelings, so I wanted to talk about it. I felt like you were being condescending, how do you see this?".

Of course this necessitates that both partners are conscious enough, otherwise your efforts to communicate in a non-violent way won't yield any results.

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

Of course this necessitates that both partners are conscious enough, otherwise your efforts to communicate in a non-violent way won't yield any results.

What to do when you communicate in a Non-violent way but the other person takes it to lightly 

 

[Federico del pueblo]

6 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

What to do when you communicate in a Non-violent way but the other person takes it to lightly 

 

Try to communicate to that person one more time (in a non-violent way) and see if it has any effect, also express your emotions (carefully), like 'it seems to me like you didn't take what I told you seriously, I'm feeling disrespected tbh...'. 

If then the person keeps not taking you seriously or communicates back to you in a violent way then you have to make it clear that 'a new level of escalation' has been reached. Now you're in more dangerous territory and further violations will have consequences.

'Ok, look, you keep disrespecting my boundaries. You know that there's nothing I can really do, I can only tell you what my boundaries are, but you can ofc choose to step over them. Though, if this is what you keep doing, then there are consequences'.

If someone keeps disrespecting you further and further then at some point you have to reflect if the relationship can be maintained. If you believe that you should get treated better (for a prolonged time) then maybe your partner isn't right for you.

The thing is, there is not so much you can do if a partner doesn't respect you, treats you badly or whatever. Many people will then start with some power games, like withholding sex, or ignoring the other one etc. but like this things just keep getting more and more nasty. The relationship doesn't improve from that.

[Thought Art]

@Preety_India non violent communication! Great book. 
 

Read it a few years ago and was reminded of it while looking at my local sex shops books shelf. Recommend it.

[Federico del pueblo]

@Yarco @puporing @Knowledge Hoarder  

Are you guys misbehaving and need some spanking? ?????

[Juan]

9 hours ago, Preety_India said:

How fair or okay is it to be called a "bitch" in a relationship during an argument? 

During a argument no, for me of course, you can hurt other people’s feelings depending their self esteem. 
 

9 hours ago, Preety_India said:

How many times until it is not okay? 

I can forgive que person once but if she/he keep doing it, I will have to cut it off the relationship, I have nothing to lose here, you gotta value/respect yourself more.

 

9 hours ago, Preety_India said:

What if a man calls you a bitch only once during an argument? 

Should the relationship be broken over it or should there be second chances? 

 

If is once I would said “What the fuck did you call me?!” haha, if the person is not willing to change on that point then I will have to break it off the relationship, the person would need to do some healing, I have no time for unnecessary pointing fingers and calling each other names, I deeply value my time with the people I love and care. 

I learned when I was younger thanks to the book “The 4 Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, the second agreement it says “Do Not Take Anything Personally”, whatever people do or said, is a projection of their own dream. Is a short and fast reading book, you should probably check it out. ??❤️? Be also Impecable with your word (the first agreement).
 

5 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I didn't have control over my anger. 

I don’t think anyone can control their emotions since is a body-mind reaction, but rather how aware/conscious and patience are you in order to transmute your emotion in a way that you don’t start to breaking stuff or hurting people emotionally and physically. You can scream like Leo he did once to his dentist lol (sorry to bring up that Leo).

I don’t know if you get intensely angry everyday, how often, if it happens alot to you sister then, it should probably be something to look up forward in you, understand why you do it and heal it (one should look up what healing technique/tools works best for them imo) in order to love yourself even more so your next relationships get so much better?❤️?. Is ok to get angry at stuff, my question would be, to what degree.

Edited March 18, 2022 by Juan

[somegirl]

@Preety_India It's not okay to be called a b word, and you have to decide for yourself if that is a deal breaker for you, aka is your standard for a relationship high or low. 

Me personally, that would be a deal breaker. Unless I did something terribly malicious and ruined someone's life on purpose, I don't expect my lover to call me such names.

Edited March 18, 2022 by somegirl

[Reciprocality]

I will never understand these equations.

[Preety_India]

4 hours ago, Knowledge Hoarder said:

But of course, we are talking about arguments here - and having arguments is inherently bad, since they show a certain ammount of immaturity from both sides. Well developed people don't really argue - they find better ways to come to a solution.

There is a certain truth to this but there is also a certain bias to this. 

For matured people, relationships are more like contractual agreements rather than falling in love. I have seen such people and they don't fall in love, the whole concept of romantic feeling is kinda alien to them or inconvenient. You can call it high consciousness or whatever but it does not have a natural joy to it, since the people involved are too stoic. 

People who have a child like quality (that is immature people) tend to fall in love and then fight like kids. Although to an outsider it looks immature, there is a certain joy to it that only a child like person would experience, not the matured person. For the matured person, it would look like a joke. 

But here is the key. When two very matured persons meet, it's not always the most beautiful thing, it can be very robotic and stoic, it can take the joy out of it, it can get boring pretty soon, it's like eating ice-cream without sugar. 

On the other hand, a super immature relationship can be very colorful and intoxicating, but both get to play around like kids, however if the immaturity gets out of hand, it can turn into an unhealthy on and off relationship. 

What is needed in an immature relationship is endurance to carry through all the wars and last till the end and still be able to celebrate the fireworks of that relationship. The couple can actually get old together and then laugh about all the fights they had. But this needs an extremely high level of tolerance and the ability to forgive, forget, and get past one's mistakes, errors and flaws. It means not carrying a grudge forever. It means having that vulnerability and trust and deep intimacy where such fights are either completely ignored or made fun of later. But that would need extreme openness from both sides to be able to take things lightly long term and not make things ultra serious. 

At the end of the day, everything has its own flavor. How you execute yourself reflects how much joy you wish to create, whether done it in mature or immature ways. Even if we all had to act like kids and super immature, there can be ways to bring our best selves to the table, it doesn't always have to be destructive. Some kids fight, but some other kids act like kids and play like kids  yet don't get destructive, they spread joy although in immature or childish ways. Yet joyful. 

The thing is sometimes it's good to bring out our most wild natural instincts and operate from low consciousness because there is some meaning to it too, I have seen people who act like they are high consciousness in every possible way, they look young yet act like 50 year olds but they are super creepy. I wouldn't want to follow them as inspiration because it's kinda perverted, no matter how matured or high consciousness, there's just something about it that's not very innocent. 

What you see is not what you think it is. You see a matured person, but you dig deeper and you see that it's just an act, their maturity is a protective cover against showing courage, deep down they are cowards and develop a matured ego to avoid self reflection, you see a person who is acting super immature but during times of crisis they exhibit such empathy and strength and understanding that your mind would be blown away by their courage. I have seen both types. I have seen matured people in my family having a psychopathic detachment to things, to the point you can't create or force an emotion into them, they are also very insensitive because of their maturity. And I have also seen people like my mother who are always super immature, but during bad times have shown exemplary courage through public display of emotion. 

I don't take anything for granted. To me all traits in human nature (except highly evil destructive traits with criminal bent) are a reflection of karma, they show us something, they point to something, they have their advantages and disadvantages. They are all like weapons, big or small, the big ones are important but so are the small ones. These traits are unique in of themselves, they are simply representations of the inner self, the pure inner self that is like a white chalkboard inside all of us, now whatever color you throw on it, those are colors, yet the whiteness of the chalkboard doesn't change, it is still white. Same way, human traits, inferior or superior are like colors on that chalkboard. The real self is the inner self that is exhibited through these traits. 

I have come across people who are super immature and low consciousness and have shown tears and empathy for a homeless person and given them food and assistance. 

I have come across people who are super matured and high consciousness, smart and wise, able to control emotions and very brainy yet they have zero empathy towards that homeless guy and just let him suffer. 

That time I'm inclined to believe that high consciousness is sometimes a farce, like white collar crime, looks good on the outside but creepy on the inside. And what good do these people bring.. 

In the Great dictator movie there is a passage that implies that we are greatly annoyed and upset at the actions of the local thug on the street yet the major corporations who create war through their super intellect go unpunished. 

There is a certain innocence to immaturity and a certain trust that is not found in maturity. 

Beware of all matured psychopaths, who knows what's lurking behind. 

 

 

[thisintegrated]

Depends if you actually are or not, lol.

[Preety_India]

16 minutes ago, thisintegrated said:

Depends if you actually are or not, lol.

Lovely comment. 

 

 

[thisintegrated]

19 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Lovely comment. 

lol, I was joking.  Of course no normal woman shouldn't be called a bitch, just like no man should be called an asshole or anything similar.  Verbal abuse should never be tolerated in a relationship.  It's only justified if e.g. she cheats on or intentionally disrespects the man.

Edited March 19, 2022 by thisintegrated

[Preety_India]

Just now, thisintegrated said:

lol, I was joking.  Of course no normal woman shouldn't be called a bitch, just like no man should be called an asshole or anything similar.  Verbal abuse should never be tolerated in a relationship.  It's only justified if e.g. she cheats on or intentionally disrespects the man.

I also verbally abused. 

I'm more guilty than him. 

I own my blame. 

 

 

 

 

 

It was purely my fault and I'm ashamed of myself. I can't beat myself enough. Why couldn't I have a moment of self control? I so wish I had not been so foolish and nuts. I gave into anger. I gave into my impulses. I should have known better. 

 

I was being abusive and I need to own it.. But I took liberty in a moment of lacking awareness. I took liberty out of laziness and exhaustion. 

 

I did wrong but unable to undo it. 

 

 

[thisintegrated]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

I also verbally abused. 

I'm more guilty than him. 

I own my blame. 

 

 

 

 

 

It was purely my fault and I'm ashamed of myself. I can't beat myself enough. Why couldn't I have a moment of self control? I so wish I had not been so foolish and nuts. I gave into anger. I gave into my impulses. I should have known better. 

 

I was being abusive and I need to own it.. But I took liberty in a moment of lacking awareness. I took liberty out of laziness and exhaustion. 

 

I did wrong but unable to undo it. 

 

 

Well take this as an opportunity to learn.  The worse your behavior, the more you'll progress once you figure it out.

Figure out why you did what you did, accept any ugly behavior as part of you, and move on from it, paying more attention than you did before.

[puporing]

6 hours ago, Federico del pueblo said:

@Yarco @puporing @Knowledge Hoarder  

Are you guys misbehaving and need some spanking? ?????

You don't wanna know. 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, thisintegrated said:

Well take this as an opportunity to learn.  The worse your behavior, the more you'll progress once you figure it out.

Figure out why you did what you did, accept any ugly behavior as part of you, and move on from it, paying more attention than you did before.

Thank you. That was helpful and kind 

 

Edited March 19, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

9 hours ago, Thought Art said:

@Preety_India non violent communication! Great book. 
 

Read it a few years ago and was reminded of it while looking at my local sex shops books shelf. Recommend it.

I might need some anger management classes because my anger usually gets the better of me no matter how much I control myself. 

That anger comes up again like an evil beast.. 

Although I have subdued significantly over the last two years. 

 

[puporing]

@Preety_India Might be from your childhood and your situation with your mom. I've had similar thing too. Don't be ashamed of it, just try to find ways you can express it better.