How To Have An Amazing Date??

[Space]

Guys, I need some advice!

I've been on 4 dates in the past week or two and I have 3 more lined up. I'm very inexperienced with dates so i've been learning a lot. Each date I go on, I feel less anxious, more prepared and i'm slowly figuring out what works, what doesn't work etc.

However, i'm really struggling to make the dates exciting. I started thinking to myself last night, 'damn, am I really just a boring person?'. The conversations during the dates are nice, but they're very platonic, standard get-to-know-you type conversations. Not rigid interview style, but just nothing beyond 2 friends chit chatting. 

It just feels completely weird to make a sexual move, go for a kiss etc, whilst we're chatting about the girls favourite travel experience or her favourite movies.

I'm kinda in the dark here, i'm really not sure what i'm doing or how to make a date exciting.

Is it just the setting? Evening drinks dates are nice, but its just kinda boring! I'm also usually exhausted by the time the date comes around because i've been working all day and usually day-gaming before the date so by 7,8,9pm I have to force myself to be engaging and add to the conversation. I'm usually in bed by 10pm.

3 of the dates i've been on have been evening drinks dates, and 1 has been a hiking date. I feel like the hiking date was the best setting but then you have to wait until the weekend because girls work the usual weekday hours.

I'm not sure how to go from normal boring conversation into something more exciting and interesting. 

Or am I overthinking this? Maybe it's just that I don't vibe or match with the girls? Maybe we're just not a good fit for each other and when I do end up dating a girl I really resonate with the conversation will be much more stimulating? I feel like this is probably the case.

I also realised i'm not sexually attracted to most of the girls I go on a date with. But i'm just going on lots of dates to get loads of social/dating experience. 

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

[flowboy]

@Space I think you're doing a great thing by just meeting lots of women on dates, and see what works.

To win at this, I would shift the focus from "what works on them", to "what works on me".

Meaning: instead of putting awareness on how much you are exciting them, stay with how excited you feel by her.

Then you can also know when it's the right time to make a sexual move.

I've struggled with "sexualizing" a conversation and couldn't figure it out for the longest time.

I found over the years that it all converges to authenticity.

Meaning: how you act has to be aligned with how you feel. Then it doesn't feel weird.

That means you have to feel drawn to her, when you take her hand. And you have to feel turned on by her, when you move in for the kiss.

Then it's not weird.

12 minutes ago, Space said:

It just feels completely weird to make a sexual move, go for a kiss etc, whilst we're chatting about the girls favourite travel experience or her favourite movies.

Well, if she's talking about her travel experiences and in the meantime you find yourself distracted by wondering what it's like to kiss her, then you can interrupt her, say that you weren't listening because you started to wonder what it's like to kiss her. And that's really hot, so she'll probably be turned on if you say that, and if so you can kiss her right after that.

See how easy authenticity works?

12 minutes ago, Space said:

I also realised i'm not sexually attracted to most of the girls I go on a date with.

You can see how this is a problem if you want to make sexual moves and not feel weird about it

Good luck!

Edited March 17, 2022 by flowboy

[Leo Gura]

Drinks are fine, but you need to have drinks in a location where you can bounce around to multiple venues. My fave 1st date location is an outdoor shopping mall area, with cafes, bars, restaurants, shops, ice cream, park with trees and benches, scenery, etc.

Then you bounce around between those. Try to do more walking than sitting in a booth. Walking lets you escalate easier.

As far as conversation goes, you're just being too logical and boring. The core of game is learning emotional, nonlogical ways of talking to girls.

Also, if you are not sexually attracted to her you shouldn't be dating her. Follow your dick on this. Stop setting up dates with girls you wouldn't sleep with. This is a waste of your and her time.

Law Of State Transference: whatever you feel she will feel. If you don't feel excited neither will she. You need to be sexually excited by her. Then ride this excitement to bed.

[Terell Kirby]

@Leo Gura how do your bar dates go when you don’t drink and the girl does? I’ve recently given up drinking alcohol, and attempting to adjust. What do you order while at the bar?

[something_else]

I've noticed that I tend to be able to get into a much better state walking around with a girl than sitting down somewhere

My goto for dates now is to suggest we meet at some kind of landmark and just walk about until we find somewhere for drinks or coffee. Then after drinks/coffee we go walk around again. It's much easier to get out of your head and be playful while you're walking around so I like to start and end on that

I've also had a fair few very platonic feeling dates, sometimes it's unavoidable. If I feel the date is completely boring and platonic I usually just go for a hail mary and escalate super hard, like just straight up suggesting we go back to her place. At that point you've got nothing to lose. So far that's worked twice for me

[Raze]

Try the date video here http://davidtianphd.com/masterclass-content/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY8LPtN5EVk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifb0IShx4ok

 

 

Edited March 17, 2022 by Raze

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, Terell Kirby said:

@Leo Gura how do your bar dates go when you don’t drink and the girl does? I’ve recently given up drinking alcohol, and attempting to adjust. What do you order while at the bar?

I don't do bar dates usually. I prefer coffee dates. But if I have no other option but a bar date I would just order a club soda.

Actually, I don't drink coffee either. So again, "coffee date" is just a convenient excuse to meet up. What you drink or not drink is irrelevant.

[Space]

5 hours ago, flowboy said:

@Space I think you're doing a great thing by just meeting lots of women on dates, and see what works.

To win at this, I would shift the focus from "what works on them", to "what works on me".

Meaning: instead of putting awareness on how much you are exciting them, stay with how excited you feel by her.

Then you can also know when it's the right time to make a sexual move.

I've struggled with "sexualizing" a conversation and couldn't figure it out for the longest time.

I found over the years that it all converges to authenticity.

Meaning: how you act has to be aligned with how you feel. Then it doesn't feel weird.

That means you have to feel drawn to her, when you take her hand. And you have to feel turned on by her, when you move in for the kiss.

Then it's not weird.

Well, if she's talking about her travel experiences and in the meantime you find yourself distracted by wondering what it's like to kiss her, then you can interrupt her, say that you weren't listening because you started to wonder what it's like to kiss her. And that's really hot, so she'll probably be turned on if you say that, and if so you can kiss her right after that.

See how easy authenticity works?

Awesome. All makes sense. Thanks very much. 

Quote

You can see how this is a problem if you want to make sexual moves and not feel weird about it

Good luck!

Yeees, I understand what you're saying - It felt weird to make a sexual move simply because I wasn't attracted to her and I didn't feel excited about being there. Making a sexual move just wasn't authentic in that moment. 

In terms of conversation, I guess I should take the similar attitude of moving the conversation into areas that genuinely excites me? Shifting the focus to what works for me, rather than thinking about her reaction? I'm still a little unsure about the conversational side of things to be honest. I tried playing question games with the girl but honestly it just felt inauthentic and too logical/formal, even though it allowed for more intimate, emotional and personal questions. 

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Drinks are fine, but you need to have drinks in a location where you can bounce around to multiple venues. My fave 1st date location is an outdoor shopping mall area, with cafes, bars, restaurants, shops, ice cream, park with trees and benches, scenery, etc.

Then you bounce around between those. Try to do more walking than sitting in a booth. Walking lets you escalate easier.

As far as conversation goes, you're just being too logical and boring. The core of game is learning emotional, nonlogical ways of talking to girls.

Gotcha. So the main thing is to have a few locations to move around to. Doesn't have to be some special location, its just the movement and multiple locations that makes things interesting. 

Quote

Also, if you are not sexually attracted to her you shouldn't be dating her. Follow your dick on this. Stop setting up dates with girls you wouldn't sleep with. This is a waste of your and her time.

Law Of State Transference: whatever you feel she will feel. If you don't feel excited neither will she. You need to be sexually excited by her. Then ride this excitement to bed.

I get why you're saying not to date her if i'm not attracted to her, but at this point for me any experience is good experience. I need any kind of dating experience so that when I do end up on a date with that awesome girl I don't fuck it up.

And as I said in my original post, i've learnt a huge amount just after 4 or 5 dates.

But I will definitely start being more selective in the near future.

Just watched this video of James' which shows him moving around to different locations (food -> *sexual escalation* -> sitting down -> bar -> back to his place) in a small area in London, with mostly walking about:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HEYLHugyEQ&t=1s

1 hour ago, something_else said:

I've noticed that I tend to be able to get into a much better state walking around with a girl than sitting down somewhere

Yea I think thats the same with me to be honest. 

Quote

My goto for dates now is to suggest we meet at some kind of landmark and just walk about until we find somewhere for drinks or coffee. Then after drinks/coffee we go walk around again. It's much easier to get out of your head and be playful while you're walking around so I like to start and end on that

Thats pretty much what i'm gonna try and do more of going forward. The only issue is that most girls work 9-5 weekdays. Well, thats my assumption atleast. So then you have to wait for the weekend, which is not always ideal. Still, better than evening drink bar date I reckon.

Quote

I've also had a fair few very platonic feeling dates, sometimes it's unavoidable. If I feel the date is completely boring and platonic I usually just go for a hail mary and escalate super hard, like just straight up suggesting we go back to her place. At that point you've got nothing to lose. So far that's worked twice for me

Nice one! Will definitely keep this in mind for next time  

[Leo Gura]

It doesn't really matter where your date is. You could make any location work if you got some game. Of course some locations are more optimal logistically and more enjoyable, but you could do a date at Walmart. It doesn't matter.

Personally I enjoy nice outdoor shopping malls with some scenery to look at. Window shopping together makes for a great date. I like these places because they tend to have a lot of variety and everything you could want: drinks, coffee, food, window shopping, park areas, trees, ponds, benches, ice cream, cookies, people-watching, etc.

You could do a date at Ikea. Be creative. And also, go places you actually enjoy.

[flowboy]

30 minutes ago, Space said:

In terms of conversation, I guess I should take the similar attitude of moving the conversation into areas that genuinely excites me? Shifting the focus to what works for me, rather than thinking about her reaction?

Exactly

[flowboy]

32 minutes ago, Space said:

I get why you're saying not to date her if i'm not attracted to her, but at this point for me any experience is good experience. I need any kind of dating experience

If you're not there because you'd potentially want to sleep with her, it's not a date.

That's not dating experience you're racking up, that's ... platonic networking experience?

Are you playing it too safe by picking girls you don't want anything with?

 

[flowboy]

37 minutes ago, Space said:

I'm still a little unsure about the conversational side of things to be honest. I tried playing question games with the girl but honestly it just felt inauthentic and too logical/formal, even though it allowed for more intimate, emotional and personal questions. 

Same thing here, simple follow natural curiosity.

If you're not excited, then you won't come up with conversation topics that excite her.

If you're with someone interesting, you'll naturally wonder about hot topics, like what in her life makes her passionate, whether she has a good relationship with her friends, the way she dresses, what she's wearing, how her skin feels, how warm her hand is, what excites her, whether that lipstick comes off when you kiss her, whether she's a good kisser...

All that stuff will come up naturally as thoughts, and then you can bring it up, by saying things or doing things.

[Space]

3 minutes ago, flowboy said:

If you're not there because you'd potentially want to sleep with her, it's not a date.

That's not dating experience you're racking up, that's ... platonic networking experience?

Hmm. Thats interesting - I never thought of it like that. 

I mean, its not like I had completely made up my mind about not sleeping with them before the dates. There's always that possibility. There has always been some level of attraction, otherwise i'd never go on the date in the first place. So I think that is what makes the 'dates' distinct from a platonic networking/friend experience. My thinking was, ok there is some attraction going on here, presumably from her as well, so let's see what happens. 

Maybe i'm trying too hard to rationalise my actions here. 

Either way, I have still learnt a lot from the interactions, even if they were very close to completely platonic. And certainly 1 of the dates out the recent 4 there was strong attraction from me. I was very attracted to her. But it was my first date in a long time, and I had a full body anxiety attack the entire date (literal physical shaking). So that one didn't go anywhere for obvious reasons.

3 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Are you playing it too safe by picking girls you don't want anything with?

I was actually thinking about this yesterday. It's definitely the case when i'm day-gaming. I noticed I was avoiding the more attractive girls, the girls i'm genuinely attracted to, out of fear of rejection. Says a lot about my self esteem and how I view myself. 

 

27 minutes ago, flowboy said:

If you're with someone interesting, you'll naturally wonder about hot topics, like what in her life makes her passionate, whether she has a good relationship with her friends, the way she dresses, what she's wearing, how her skin feels, how warm her hand is, what excites her, whether that lipstick comes off when you kiss her, whether she's a good kisser...

Damn. That is attraction. I've literally never thought about any of that when with a girl so I think that says a lot.

[Ulax]

2 hours ago, Raze said:

Try the date video here http://davidtianphd.com/masterclass-content/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY8LPtN5EVk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifb0IShx4ok

 

 

My dude, we watch the same content for sure. Was gonna recommend that first link too! Tian is the man!

[aurum]

6 hours ago, Space said:

Damn. That is attraction. I've literally never thought about any of that when with a girl so I think that says a lot.

It doesn’t always have to be that over-the-top in my experience. I think @flowboy was mostly just making a point.

But yes, you should literally feel some attraction in your body for her. Without that magnetism it’s going to be platonic.

And honestly, if you don’t have that magnetism, then maybe purposefully don’t sleep with her. I know in pickup they’re always pushing guys to escalate cause guys are scared, but I’m not going to bully myself into sleeping with someone I truly don’t feel I want to sleep with. That’s a distortion of sexual energy IMO:

But of course, also be mindful of using that as an excuse. Especially if you’re newer to dating.

[Space]

9 hours ago, aurum said:

It doesn’t always have to be that over-the-top in my experience. I think @flowboy was mostly just making a point.

For sure - I understand.

9 hours ago, aurum said:

But yes, you should literally feel some attraction in your body for her. Without that magnetism it’s going to be platonic.

But the things is, i've been on dates where I am really attracted to the girl but the whole date experience was still very platonic. I guess I just don't know how to properly escalate.

9 hours ago, aurum said:

And honestly, if you don’t have that magnetism, then maybe purposefully don’t sleep with her. I know in pickup they’re always pushing guys to escalate cause guys are scared, but I’m not going to bully myself into sleeping with someone I truly don’t feel I want to sleep with. That’s a distortion of sexual energy IMO:

But of course, also be mindful of using that as an excuse. Especially if you’re newer to dating.

I'm pretty sure that if I escalated physically with a few of the girls i've dated recently then there would be a strong chance of sleeping with her. 

But I have pretty high integrity and I don't want to just sleep with a girl for the sake of sleeping with her, even though i've been dry for like 10+ years. It just feels off for me.

[Roy]

I'm actually going to be a contrarian and say if it's the 1st date it's a BAD idea to put so much in to try and make it amazing. Chances are you won't be that compatible with most people anyways, so it's not a wise use of resources or emotional energy to invest that much into it.

By all means you can make a 1st date a great time, but don't pin so much on it. It does need to have a level of casualness so there isn't that much pressure.

Unless you are some sort of gigachad, only a low % of your dates will go to a 2nd one. So does it make sense to put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak?

I usually do a 2 part date - cafe/snack first > then something physical like hiking or mini-golf. I find it's useful to sit down for 30-60 minutes to find out if you can even compatible talking to each other first. I've had times where either me or the other person politely cancelled the 2nd part of the date because we didn't have the same values, or that much chemistry socially.

This strategic kind of set-up is important if you don't want to waste time or money, which you will end up using a lot of with women 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 3/17/2022 at 3:16 AM, Space said:

However, i'm really struggling to make the dates exciting. I started thinking to myself last night, 'damn, am I really just a boring person?'. The conversations during the dates are nice, but they're very platonic, standard get-to-know-you type conversations. Not rigid interview style, but just nothing beyond 2 friends chit chatting. 

That's pretty standard for the first few dates. If anything, a really good piece of advice I got was make the first few dates kind of at boring but chill locations (coffee shops, parks, restaurants, etc. as opposed to amusement parks for example). That way you can focus on getting to know a person and see whether or not you like them instead of getting swept up and distracted by the excitement.  

On 3/17/2022 at 3:16 AM, Space said:

It just feels completely weird to make a sexual move, go for a kiss etc, whilst we're chatting about the girls favourite travel experience or her favourite movies.

No it isn't weird. Don't be shy to ask if you are unsure. Even if she isn't comfortable and says no, it still looks respectful and she'll appreciate that you asked.

On 3/17/2022 at 3:16 AM, Space said:

Or am I overthinking this? Maybe it's just that I don't vibe or match with the girls? Maybe we're just not a good fit for each other and when I do end up dating a girl I really resonate with the conversation will be much more stimulating? I feel like this is probably the case.

I also realised i'm not sexually attracted to most of the girls I go on a date with. But i'm just going on lots of dates to get loads of social/dating experience. 

Social experience doesn't hurt and it's good that you are learning a lot. Yeah I do think it is the lack of attraction/ yall not clicking. If you're with a person and both of yall are into it and have things in common with one another, it isn't that hard to have chemistry whether it be platonic or romantic because you will be genuinely into getting to know one another. That in itself will be interesting and you won't have to go out of your way to make it so.  

[Space]

@Roy @soos_mite_ah Thanks for the advice guys - much appreciated!