2.11 gram Psilocybe cubensis Trip Report - Opening to Love

[quan]

Set

I did a brief run and plenty of simple breath-focused meditation to prepare. I also stretched and practiced giving myself love. I find the best way to counteract a bad trip is to love whatever comes up, even fear. 

To eliminate guilt and worry about the future I completed assignments, did chores, etc. the day before.

My intention for this trip was to gain deeper insight into my sense of self, to understand awareness, etc.

Setting

I dosed in my room alone where it would be secluded and quiet.

Substance

I blended up 2.11 grams of Psilocybe cubensis with lemon juice several times over 20 minutes and strained large pieces of mushroom to help prevent nausea. I also made a ginger tea to further prevent nausea.

Come-Up

Despite doing a lemon tek, the come-up was smooth and I didn't feel any nausea, sweating, jolting, anxiety or anything else. I became more aware of various sounds outside and colours became stronger. Tactile sensations and emotions felt stronger as well. From what I can remember, I didn't have any change in my thought patterns. However, my thoughts were clearer and I could hear them echoing through my mind. It feels as if thoughts are like little life forms, competing for attention to survive and reproducing by echoing. 

I tried to focus on what I am at my core, and I felt a strong attachment to an image of a dark figure somewhere right behind my head. But this image like all the other thoughts drifted off in a lake that was now suddenly clear. I could not find a thought that definitely felt like "me". All I could do was observe them come and go.

40 minutes in I was starving after fasting so I had to get up and eat some fruit.

Climax

It probably took me 10 minutes to get to the kitchen because tiny details grabbed my attention and provoked strong emotions. I looked at my face and it looked dirty. Although I knew this was just another visual, it sparked negative thoughts about my failure when it came to relationships - family and friends. I tend to eat out of boredom and so even though I was eating out of hunger, it seemed to accentuate my negative self-beliefs. 

As an introvert, socialising often confuses me. I often want to be alone but end up feeling lonely. When I made it back to my room I began crying over how I had so much difficulty connecting to people. All of my important relationships flashed through my mind as I considered that they lacked this "connection". I felt so vulnerable. And seeing how vulnerable and sensitive I am deep down, I felt empathy for myself, because I knew I was being genuine. I could truly connect with this innocent, vulnerable person.

Despite this deeper sense of self-love, I still couldn't see myself being fully open in my relationships. The experience wasn't powerful enough for that. But I had some key changes that I knew I could implement. I could be more helpful around the house, I could stop ignoring people, I could appreciate people more, etc. I guess most importantly I could practice self-love more often.

Come-Down

This was hands-down the worst part of the experience. I felt lethargic and uninspired to do anything. The insights about love had evaporated, leaving me with a sense of loss. Perhaps I was also expecting a stronger experience. Perhaps I have a higher genetic tolerance. I cracker-dried my mushrooms right after picking them, so there's no conceivable way that the active components oxidised to lose potency.

I set out to obtain deeper insight into myself, and I guess I did by revealing how sensitive I am. I have a lot more work to do, but at least I'm more aware of some concrete actionable steps that I can take.

Thanks for reading.

[axiom]

I'm sorry to hear you've had issues in the past with connecting to others. I think introverts can sometimes be frightened to get into a long conversation. To connect with others you must be supportive and interested, and show it. That means striking up conversations, asking questions, telling your own relevant anecdotes and offering advice where needed, etc.

It sounds like the trip taught you some of these things. It gets much easier the more you do it. You may be surprised at how quickly you improve. Good luck!