How do I help a girl with her insecurity problems?

[amps]

My girlfriend has some serious insecurities about her looks and various habits that she perceives as shameful. Whenever shes about to leave the house she tends to get a rush of anger or frustration as she is trying to find an outfit she likes and is doing her makeup. She often says things like: "I look like trash" or at worst she will say things that imply she is so dissatisfied with herself that she would rather be dead. 

It seems  as though no matter how many compliments I throw at her, it doesn't seem genuine to her and she doesn't care for them, or she will accuse me of just treating her as an object and just being thirsty.

I've tried giving her advice that has helped me fix a lot of my own security issues through personal development work, but recently I've felt as if though my approach to that stuff is a more masculine approach and she doesn't seriously want to try to apply it. The whole "loving yourself" concept seems to be just a fairy tale to her with no practical value to it whatsoever.

She doesn't like it when I touch her tummy, she is often ashamed after sex because she "isn't doing anything and is letting me do all the work", she doesn't want to accept a lot of the compliments I'm giving her..

Truth be told I sort of find it cute. In the long term though its clear she needs to work that shit out, just for her to be happy. There is no way this girl would ever be interested in the sort of personal development that actualized.org is centered around. 

From reading the book "the way of the superior man", I learned that I just need to love her more. Love her through the insecurities and the episodes of anger and insecurity. Realistically though I guess either my love isn't strong enough or that teaching is a load of shit, because I don't think it matters what I say, it wont fix her insecurity problems. That is how I feel right now away.

I think my masculine approach to psychological problems wont serve her at all, therefore my direct advice is useless to her. I also think the constant compliments etc. might actually be doing more damage to her in the long run, as she is further becoming dependent on external approval for her confidence.

I would appreciate any insight on this topic, I do care for this girl and could see myself living my life out with her, I really just want to find new approaches to this problem.

[Roy]

All you can do is keep being a loving and supportive boyfriend. Ultimately it's not your responsibility to "fix" her or make her improve herself, only she can do that.

[aurum]

2 hours ago, amps said:

From reading the book "the way of the superior man", I learned that I just need to love her more. Love her through the insecurities and the episodes of anger and insecurity. Realistically though I guess either my love isn't strong enough or that teaching is a load of shit, because I don't think it matters what I say, it wont fix her insecurity problems.

Be careful of using love as a tactic to fix her.

The whole point of loving her as she is is that she doesn’t have to fix her insecurities.

”But won’t she be happier if she changes? If I was a loving boyfriend, wouldn’t I want her to be happy, and therefore change? And wouldn’t it be unloving to not speak my truth of what I see and guide her to that?”.

Correct. Self-love without discernment is just narcissism. 

But you can do your best to help her, while still loving her exactly as she is. Find the balance. Don’t make accusations, speak from your perspective only.

 

[Lyubov]

Love her as she is, but it’s easier said than done when her insecurities/quirks conflict with your boundaries or her helping you get your needs met. It’s quite tricky actually. I think a lot of it comes down to learning from experience and just finding someone you can tolerate and don’t devolve into a toxic mess with. Work on communication and careful with blame. Again, all easier said than done. There isn’t really a single fix to something like this. It takes both sides actively working on themselves and a lot of maturity to make a healthy relationship work.

[flowboy]

She doesn't want to be fixed, @amps .

She just wants to be able to share her difficulties with you.

Your job as the boyfriend is to listen and experience her feelings with her, without making her feel that something is wrong with her.

And without coming up with solutions, or telling her to do something about it.

Because that makes her feel like something is wrong with her.

This is a classic masculine/feminine communication issue.

When a man hears something that sounds like a problem, he interprets: "this is being told to me so that I can fix it".

When a woman shares her problems with her man, she just wants to be heard.

That's all.

If you make the mistake of coming up with fixes, tips, tricks, or action steps, then you failed to make her feel heard.

And then she'll try again.

With a bigger problem this time. Something else maybe.

To you it seems like it never ends.

To her it seems like you never get it.

Until you finally go:

I hear you, baby. That must be really tough. I understand. I'm here for you. I love you

That's all she wants.

 

 

Got a video on giving advice to friends, the first half of it also applies to relationships so maybe that's helpful for clarifying

Edited March 17, 2022 by flowboy

[Raze]

Tell her to read self therapy by Jay Earely

[NYMPHAI]

On 3/15/2022 at 8:34 PM, amps said:

It seems  as though no matter how many compliments I throw at her, it doesn't seem genuine to her and she doesn't care for them, or she will accuse me of just treating her as an object and just being thirsty.

She doesn't take your compliments seriously because she doesn't see herself that way

For a woman, fear is woven into her biology. (Insecurities/Fear)

It is the baseline experience of her life whether she is consciously aware of it or nah

The most important thing to a woman in a relationship is trustworthiness.

Trustworthiness is their ultimate definition of "safety"
Women want to be protected by a man.

But to be "safe" in a relationship and protected by a man, means first and foremost that he, himself is "safe.."

create a "safe" place for you... for her.

My suggestion is to work on yourself and be that man

She has to figure out the rest herself.

The good news is; suffering is the best teacher

 

Edited March 20, 2022 by NYMPHAI

[Arcangelo]

On 3/15/2022 at 1:34 PM, amps said:

I also think the constant compliments etc. might actually be doing more damage to her in the long run, as she is further becoming dependent on external approval for her confidence.

100%

[bejapuskas]

Maybe she wants to be active in sex. Let her be what SHE wants to be. She knows best. Let her follow the good feeling and her desires. Do not impose some book on her.

[Raze]

Don’t take what she says logically. Treat the emotion, not the opinion.

ex: No one likes me because I’m ugly

rather than convince her logically she isn’t ugly, instead view it as insecurity caused by a deeper emotional issue that is manifesting as feeling she’s ugly, change her mood and the reasoning should dissolve.