Diary of a sexually repressed girl

[RickyFitts]

57 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Yea I experienced how beautiful sex can be very recently. 

Sex can have many flavors just like music.

Love that.  I feel like emotional connection is the key for me personally, without that it just feels kind of empty. Of course you do need to have physical attraction too, it goes without saying.

[Preety_India]

Rupert is Damn sexy. He can make me feel any way he wants to and I don't mind. He could just pull my hair and drag me on the bed and give me the most intense orgasms. He is caring and tough. 

He always wants to protect me.. He can be a bit strict, a dominator.. 

[Preety_India]

Just now, RickyFitts said:

Love that.  I feel like emotional connection is the key for me personally, without that it just feels kind of empty. Of course you do need to have physical attraction too, it goes without saying.

Yea for me it can never be plain sex. It has to be something preceding it like mental chemistry, attraction, obsession, romanticism. Something that makes me want to have sex with the guy or surrender to him. 

 

[RickyFitts]

7 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Yea for me it can never be plain sex. It has to be something preceding it like mental chemistry, attraction, obsession, romanticism. Something that makes me want to have sex with the guy or surrender to him. 

I love your passion, Preets.  Unfettered female sexuality's a wonderful thing.  

[Preety_India]

Even Ricky is a character in my book 

[Preety_India]

I am trying to explore my own sexuality. 

It is sometimes very confusing. 

I have somewhat surrendered to the idea of romanticism and eroticism. 

The vagina is important to me and so is the penis. 

I feel like sex is sacred. 

I can feel my vagina. The more sexual I become. 

I can feel the tantric energy (at least that's what I call it) rising up from my vagina and then spreading across through my body producing pulsating vibrations in all parts of my body. Then comes a feeling of calmness. 

I feel delicate, defeated, conquered and fragile inside. 

Male domination makes me sexual. I want to like hold the dick..

Male domination makes me feel owned deep inside. 

And this feeling of being owned is very intimate and passionate like he should hold me down. 

I have no idea what's so surreal about it but it makes me feel special.. Maybe deep down I just crave for male physical affection a lot and that manifests in these fantasies that I have. 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel scared and uncomfortable to tell the truth.. 

The truth is that I'm a virgin. 

I never had sex. 

Yea I had Boyfriends but I never had sex with them. 

Because...... I felt repressed. I felt horny but I couldn't tell them that I was horny. It's only now after many boyfriends that I finally decided that I need to take sex a bit seriously. 

 

 

 

My body count is basically zero. 

[RickyFitts]

16 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Even Ricky is a character in my book 

 

[Preety_India]

I have been virgin shamed and then I have been slut shamed. It's like I have to oscillate between these two shaming patterns. 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel insanely sexually attracted to men these days. This is a new development. It's probably because I stayed repressed for so long it caused me to burst open with intense energy. It all comes out some day when enough has been held back inside for too long 

Part of the reason could be that I never really experienced sex. 

And now sex has suddenly become the most important thing on my mind. 

And men look adorable to me. 

But of course I need some chemistry or emotional connection to have sex with a man. 

I want to explore how much I need a man.. I want to explore how a man makes me feel 

I don't get offended by men who are sexually interested in me unless it's in a bad kind of way. 

I think deep down I'm just starved of male affection and I desire it deeply. 

I desire being touched, being kissed on my neck and being held. 

Being adored and being penetrated in a loving way 

 

 

[RickyFitts]

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I have been virgin shamed and then I have been slut shamed. It's like I have to oscillate between these two shaming patterns. 

Whether you've had a lot of sex or you're still a virgin, the ultimate truth is these things don't define what you are - 'slut' and 'virgin', they're just empty labels ultimately. It doesn't matter how much sex you've had, you're equally worthy of love either way. Nothing will ever change that. ?

[Preety_India]

I feel being desired by men. And it's not like an ego thing. I have just begun to like men the way I never did before. 

I like the male anatomy. 

It's like I have to integrate with it. 

I have to understand it and respect it. 

I feel like I neglected men for too long.. 

@RickyFitts thanks for telling me that.. 

Edited April 17, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I feel like being with a man is very empowering to me. 

Just him holding my hand can do wonders. 

I feel delicate around a man.. 

I can feel his sexual energy making its way through through his penis/dick into my pussy and then traveling through my body and residing there.. 

It is his sexual energy specifically, not mine. I'm not creating it. 

I'm just absorbing it. His creativity injected into me. 

What position has been best for me? 

I don't really know. 

I can only think of the missionary position. 

That's the only sexual position that I have in mind. 

I have a few fetishes too. Like particular sexual things that I like to do. 

For example I prefer licking chest hair. That turns me on. I like it a lot. 

The male chest is very attractive to me. 

More than any other part of his body, of course that other part. 

I feel like the best way to compliment a man is to praise his dick and I'm sure he will love it. 

 

I wrote this thread a few hours ago. 

Suddenly men have become intoxicating and alluring to me, so alluring that it's almost irresistible. 

So I imagine these male characters giving me affection in different ways. It's intoxicating. Every man is different. But I crave for every form of male affection. 

I find intimacy in it male sexual intimacy that can drive me nuts 

It's like karmic healing. 

These days I have been thinking exclusively about men alone. 

These male sexual energies make me feel less repressed sexually. 

It's like I can open up without feeling shame 

 

Edited April 17, 2022 by Preety_India

[RickyFitts]

43 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@RickyFitts thanks for telling me that.. 

Any time, Preets ?

Edited April 17, 2022 by RickyFitts

[Preety_India]

@Knowledge Hoarder k

[Preety_India]

Also sex is needed for reproduction. 

 

[Preety_India]

No the goal was to get your affection. 

 

[Preety_India]

I liked it when he asked me repeatedly if my pussy belonged to him. I was screaming inside yes. 

 

[Preety_India]

I think people's sexual preferences vary vastly 

I have to develop my own.. What turns me on. I need to explore that. 

 

[Preety_India]

Am I deluded? Am I smart? 

Am I crazy/flippant? Am I Mad? Or am I both? 

I guess I'm more crazy than I'm mad. 

..... 

 

Anyway these characters are a Doorway into who I am. 

Sex can make you tired. Even being horny for long periods of time makes me very tired. That's a huge disadvantage. 

But it is healing and curative. 

What turns me on? 

A guy who tries to steal me. From myself. 

I'm deeply introverted. And morning I was thinking about how introversion can actually cure me. It is one thing that will help. 

Being introverted makes me crave intimacy. 

Because I'm sexually repressed? 

I kept my feelings hidden for so long in fact I wasn't even in touch with them. I did not even explore my feelings. I always shamed myself for any sexual thoughts. 

I think a huge part of this reason was my second ex boyfriend Mr Bud. 

He was notorious. He was a freak. 

He would show me porn videos that I never liked. 

( I have rape fantasies but rape fantasy is just rough sex, being tied up,nothing more) 

So his stuff was weird. Once he said that he would pass me around and that angered me. 

I think that's where I stopped talking about sex with him because I saw no point in encouraging sex with him. 

Probably that created a negative image of Sex in my mind. 

Bud was an Indian guy and I stopped dating Indian guys at that point. Because I was always "virgin" shamed in these relationships. They wanted me to be sexual but at the same time every time I wanted to open up sexually I was made to feel like a slut. That further repressed me.. Made me feel like I wasn't supposed to talk about sex, it was some kind of a taboo.

I remember one day I wore red lipstick while going to the hospital. 

And Bud was with me and on the way he whispered into my ears, 

"you look like a whore." 

I was like wtf. 

"you shouldn't wear that red lipstick." 

And I got defiant and told him, 

"I can do whatever the fuck I want." 

I broke up with Bud because he was so controlling. 

He never made me feel sexy 

Every time I tried to open up sexually with him, he would make it sound like I'm a whore. It was difficult because all I wanted was normal sex that happens between couples. 

But Bud had no problem talking about gangrape yet I was the whore??? 

The sexism and hypocrisy was driving me crazy. I had to fight him off.. It was always competitive. He would never fulfill me. He would make it me versus him all the time. 

Like if I needed sex he would deliberately push me away. It was all about him. 

I think he became a major source of my sexual anxiety 

So thanks to Bud, I could never think positive about sex.. 

 

The real transformation came with Joseph the American boyfriend. 

He did it for me. 

He told me to open up. 

He told me things he would do to me. Things that Bud never said he would. 

There was a huge difference. I felt sexually liberated for the first time. 

I felt powerful. I felt good.. I orgasmed all night with Joseph like almost 3 times in a row. I was drenched wet. 

Joseph was encouraging me and sexualizing me like sexing me up.. 

I did not feel bad for being horny or wet. 

This was the first time. I did not feel guilt or frustration. It was pure surrender and it was soft. 

I was just laying in bed feeling absolutely taken and owned by Joseph. 

This was the first time I actually enjoyed the feeling. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 18, 2022 by Preety_India