Non-neediness and avoidant attachment style

[Karmadhi]

So, i have been reading the book "Attached" by Dr Amir Levine, which is about the 4 attachement styles. I have noticed that what often people, especially in the dating advice world,  consider "non-needy" behaviour is quite similar to the avoidant style. Waiting days to respond to messages, playing games, trying not to look desperate etc. Meanwhile the secure attachment style tends to be more on the "good guy" category. So stuff like not playing games, being very straightforward, showing interest head on, being a good communicator, etc. A lot of the dating advice out there that i have seen seems to favour the detached avoidant player style over the secure one. The book even calls the secure style "boring" compared to the rest since it will not give high emotional and lows which females tend to be attracted to, in a very toxic way. Esepcailly the anxious ones. So will being an avoidant and so detached only work with anxious females?

Is my interpretation wrong? Is this the case? I would really like some opinions on this.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPIZWWzJjYE

[Random witch]

5 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

So, i have been reading the book "Attached" by Dr Amir Levine, which is about the 4 attachement styles. I have noticed that what often people, especially in the dating advice world,  consider "non-needy" behaviour is quite similar to the avoidant style. Waiting days to respond to messages, playing games, trying not to look desperate etc. Meanwhile the secure attachment style tends to be more on the "good guy" category. So stuff like not playing games, being very straightforward, showing interest head on, being a good communicator, etc. A lot of the dating advice out there that i have seen seems to favour the detached avoidant player style over the secure one. The book even calls the secure style "boring" compared to the rest since it will not give high emotional and lows which females tend to be attracted to, in a very toxic way. Esepcailly the anxious ones. So will being an avoidant and so detached only work with anxious females?

Is my interpretation wrong? Is this the case? I would really like some opinions on this.

Secure attachment style attracts secure attachment style.

The other unhealthy attachment styles attract eachother.

[Karmadhi]

12 hours ago, Random witch said:

Secure attachment style attracts secure attachment style.

The other unhealthy attachment styles attract eachother.

How is this related to females hating neediness though? Are avoidant men more attracted, at least short-term?

[Random witch]

12 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

How is this related to females hating neediness though? Are avoidant men more attracted, at least short-term?

I didn't read books about this model and my understanding is shallow, but from what I know, secure attachment style isn't related to neediness. Needy behaviour related to anxious attachment style.

Often people with anxious attachment style attracted to people with avoidant attachment style, it applies to both men and women, maybe this what you're looking for?

 

People with a secure attachment style, especially the youngest ones were always associated (at least for me) with those people who have a stable romantic relationship (of 2 years and more) and a solid circle of close friends. I think that the majority of people with this attachment style, don't have a need or reason to be active one dating apps (if you relay on them).

 

 

 

Edited March 16, 2022 by Random witch

[SamC]

On 2022-03-15 at 5:19 AM, Karmadhi said:

So, i have been reading the book "Attached" by Dr Amir Levine, which is about the 4 attachement styles. I have noticed that what often people, especially in the dating advice world,  consider "non-needy" behaviour is quite similar to the avoidant style. Waiting days to respond to messages, playing games, trying not to look desperate etc. Meanwhile the secure attachment style tends to be more on the "good guy" category. So stuff like not playing games, being very straightforward, showing interest head on, being a good communicator, etc. A lot of the dating advice out there that i have seen seems to favour the detached avoidant player style over the secure one. The book even calls the secure style "boring" compared to the rest since it will not give high emotional and lows which females tend to be attracted to, in a very toxic way. Esepcailly the anxious ones. So will being an avoidant and so detached only work with anxious females?

Is my interpretation wrong? Is this the case? I would really like some opinions on this.

Yeah your interpretation is wrong. What girls are attracted to is not avoident attachment style, what they are attracted by goes beyond attachment theory.

One thing that they are not attracted to however is anxious preocupied and that is becuase those guys appear needy to the girl. See it doesn't matter what you are, it only matters what you are to that girl in her eyes.

Secure attatchment style is the best because then you don't need to fake it to appear not needy and secure - you just are that. On top of that secure attatchement style also is not afraid of intimacy.. which girls want aswell. If you are avoident you will encounter other problems later on.

Sure, it might help because you become so independent that you become not needy but it will also be your downfall. If you're secure you can play the game however you want and still give her the emotional highs but conciously and without manipulating her to much. Lastly, when you're avoident you're fundamentally disconnected from other people - that's not an ideal place to live life from.

If you attract girls by being avoident - you will attract your mirror trauma. The girls that you will attract will not be compatible to you.