On growth

[SaltyMeatballs]

When I was a kid I moved to foreign country and faced numerous survival challenges. As a result, I developed many defence mechanisms, most of which have become hinderances to my overall happiness and satisfaction with life. Moreover, when I was in school I couldn't ever really "fit" in. I was too afraid of being vulnerable and showing my true self.

Through journalling, seeing a therapist and psychedelics I aim to gain a better understanding of my insecurities and my shadow, ultimately letting go and shedding away what no longer serves me. This journey is difficult and Im using this thread as a way to stay accountable and deliver on my intentions.

As of now, I am not suicidal but rather mildly depressed. I feel shame and some degree of guilt. I also feel that I'm responsible and that change is possible given the right tools and patience. 

 

[SaltyMeatballs]

I want to learn letting go.

I want to learn to fully feel into my anxiety and pain that I feel in social interactions.

One thing that popped into my mind is joining Toastmasters again. The level of fear and anxiety I get from this is insane, which is, exactly why I want to do it.

[SaltyMeatballs]

This feeling of not being "good enough" and that I am in some way deficient is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it pushes me to pursue self-actualization but it also creates suffering because of the dissonance between how I am now vs how I could be. The thoughts and physical sensations that accompany this experience... If I had never been unsatisfied in my life, I would have not discovered actualized.org. I would have not tried psychs and gone on meditation retreats. In other words, the very fuel which creates a burning desire to pursue self-actualization/spirituality has been suffering and pain. Paradoxically, I appreciate and am grateful for the pain but I also wish that it was never there. As a result, the only alternative as it seems is to confront and embrace it. It's to keep moving despite the pain and suffering. To welcome it, befriend it and most importantly, to LOVE IT. Life it seems is a perfect simulation/training ground for me to develop my love for the finiteness of the human experience. 

[SaltyMeatballs]

Through Kriya and introspection, I have noticed how I unconsciously push away and attempt to avoid the shadow elements of the psyche. I am more aware of the various false expectations that the ego-mind constructs. Most importantly, I have observed a lack of self-love and self-respect.

Leo's latest video on conflict has given me a new lens through which I can make sense of the many divisions in my mind. For example, there is part of me that desires to be "perfect" and to seek the approval of others. The flip side of that would be to admit that I am a finite human and that perfection doesn't exist as long as I continue being human. The only choice I have is to reconcile these conflicting parts, allowing them to coexist in harmony with each other. I can do this by being more vulnerable and practising radical honesty. 

A beautiful insight I gained from an LSD trip 2-3 years ago is that reality is ultimately perfect. My mind reached a profound state of unification and the duality between good/bad collapsed. I was finally at peace, at least for a very brief moment. Expanding one's consciousness is a powerful way to make peace with war and conflict at the micro and macro scale. 

[SaltyMeatballs]

The past few months have been low. I have forgotten what it feels to be alive and happy. Yet, at the same time I recognise that this state is transitory and can only lead to wisdom and better understanding of myself.

 

[SaltyMeatballs]

I love listening to this when I am at my lowest. The key is to observe all the feelings that arise and let them go. Don't get sucked into the fantasies.

 

 

 

 

 

[SaltyMeatballs]

I think what's really holding me back and paralyzing my progress is this need to know. I get all whiny and upset when I don't have an answer to something. This may be one of the reasons why I have been soo depressed lately.

Examples of things I don't know right now are;

• What my life purpose is
• If I should stay at my current job
• If I should go to college
• What skills I should be developing
• If I should move out of my parent's place

The first one on the list is what makes me the most upset.

The above 2 videos dovetail nicely together because the central message is to let go and to embrace the emotions.

I also remember reading The Surrender Experiment by Michael A singer. I really resonated with the message of that book and I intuitively understood that this is exactly what I need right now... Is to open my arms out fully, accept the fact that I don't know, follow my intuition and trust that the universe will deliver. Through this process and enough practice, I expect that I will become a better conductor of the creative flow of energy of the universe.

Edited March 16, 2022 by SaltyMeatballs

[SaltyMeatballs]

I'm currently practising the "Letting go" technique which I learned about in the book by David R. Hawkins:

Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender

The technique is extremely simple but quite difficult to do in practice when it comes to more difficult emotions like depression.

I can see the potential in using this technique. All the emotions that I feel throughout the day, no matter how difficult, can become stepping stones towards full awakening and bliss. I can turn this into a game, and challenge myself to let go of as many emotions as possible, even the positive ones.

 

There are a few concerns though...

• How do I know that I am practising this technique properly? Is it really as simple as feeling into an emotion? Why does my mind try to make it into something more complicated than it really is?
• Even if my intention is to let go, I feel like there is a part of me that is resisting and trying to manipulate and control the present moment, using this technique. There seems to be a very subtle distinction between trying to let go and simply just letting go. How do I reconcile this?
• If I fully let go and surrender to the now, what does this mean for my career, relationships, family, the food that I eat and how I spend my time? I worry that if I surrender, I won't be able to perform to commit to anything or achieve any success because I have simply let go of wanting to do these things.

[SaltyMeatballs]

How am I doing right now?

I am confused about what I should be doing with my time. I don't feel much drive towards anything right now, with the exception of understanding my emotions and doing spirituality. I managed to let go of some emotional blockages and I am doing much better than last week as far as my mental state goes.