Not The Man That I Could Be

[Grant6]

I feel like I am not the man that I could be.

This mostly revolves around social facets of my life, including my socialization/communication skills, leadership skills, and just dealing with people in general. I am a bit of a people pleaser, and rarely get angry, which I see as mostly good, but is a problem when it is appropriate to be angry but I have trouble expressing it, leading to meekness and unattractiveness or not getting my needs communicated effectively. Often time I don't even know what my needs are. 

I want to work on this area of my life more by getting better at making friends, talking to strangers, becoming more charismatic, etc. Needless to say there's lots of fear and resistance there, but as Leo has talked about, one of the best ways to grow in this area is pick up, which brings me to my next point:

How important is pick up to growing as a man? How necessary is it?

I am currently in a great monogamous relationship, going on two years. I've had other sexual experiences with girls, having had sex with 8 girls in my life, and been in two long-term relationships (including the one I am in now). My gf and I are very compatible; she loves the sex, we have lots of fun together, we're very intimate, and I feel the same way. But I do fantasize sometimes about going out and flirting with other girls, having other intimate connections with girls, fucking other girls. I would never act on these fantasies without consent from my gf. I have brought up the idea of an open/polyamorous relationship with her but I quickly shut it down because it made her uncomfortable. This was around 6 months ago. I love her very much and really am happy with her, but simultaneously I have a desire to explore my sexual identity more, which is why I have been thinking a lot about a few things:

1. How much does your sexual identity have to do with becoming a stronger man? Can you be a virgin for example and still become a strong man?

2. I'm not sure how happy I can be in the long run with my current partner without exploring other girls.

Even though I have a gf, I still will get a little nervous around attractive girls and will fantasize in the moment about fucking them in certain cases. I would never flirt with them or go there of course because I love and respect my gf, but on the other hand I would just love to act on that desire, whether I get rejected or not I don't really care. Holding in that desire is sort of what's concerning me. It feels like I am concealing my authenticity. 

     --> I am aware that I could just be deceiving myself and pursuing more girls is just me being more selfish, which I want to avoid.
     --> On the other hand, this could be karma that I need to burn through, in which case I would want to pursue, as avoiding it would most likely lead to more problems down the road.

...and more complicated, if this is something I should address with myself, there's no way I am explaining it to my gf as I already have and it made her uncomfortable, and I know bringing it up again would leave a doubt in her mind that would never go away. In some ways I hate that I have this desire because I really make my gf happy and I sometimes worry about how she would handle getting her heart broken by me if that were to happen, because she is a bit psychologically fragile. In no way suicidal, but is just very prone to negative thinking and is not good at being alone by herself. 

So my current path is to just continue the relationship and wait to burn through this karma until/if we break up. Is that wise or is there a better decision I could make?

Any advice or thoughts are appreciated.

[NoSelfSelf]

You can still do pick up without doing pick up ...going to events or places and approch group of people and strike up conversations  and you can work on being more authentic with those people...breaking up that inner resistence and becoming more real and  authentic.Watch yourself when you are trying to pick words that would appeal to other rather express whats really going on inside you in calibratet way ..meaning reading social situation... you can pick something challenging and breaking through that like speaking in front of a crowd...

[Ulax]

43 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

You can still do pick up without doing pick up ...going to events or places and approch group of people and strike up conversations  and you can work on being more authentic with those people...breaking up that inner resistence and becoming more real and  authentic.Watch yourself when you are trying to pick words that would appeal to other rather express whats really going on inside you in calibratet way ..meaning reading social situation... you can pick something challenging and breaking through that like speaking in front of a crowd...

I second this

[Grant6]

@NoSelfSelf Wow, I never even thought about it that way: doing pick up without doing pick up. I always assumed pick up has to be about, well, pick up in the traditional sense of picking up women for sex. And I definitely have the issue where I am seeking approval of others by carefully filtering words and sentences that come out of my mouth, rather than just "expressing what's really going on inside of me in a calibrated way" like you said. Thanks so much for the great advice. 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Grant6 Yeah approval is an inner game in a sense when you start being true to yourself and not hiding behinde your masks then you wont be needing approval but thats also needed to be practiced with people...authentic non people pleaser =being true to yourself and nobody elses opinions matter because you are who you are(more than good enough)your opinions dont need to be approved at that point you are grounded in truth of who you are as a person 

@Ulax ?

[JonasVE12]

Deep down you already know you have to let go of her. See, you want to grow your masculine and the way to do this is to step into tension and become good at handling this tension. The first kind of tension you gotta step into is the need of your girlfriends approval. You do not need to let her go in a physical sense, but you need to let go of needing her. If you want to grow your masculine, you have to accept that you may lose her. That is tension. The reason for why you are lacking in this area is because you are avoiding tension. That is the exact core reason for why you are stuck now. Avoiding this will just keep the nice guy in you intact. You might feel okay emotionally in the relationship, but deep down, you know there is a deeper purpose for you and that is to become a strong powerful grounded man. 

To fix your problems, there is one word that you should really explore more, and that is 'tension' or 'resistance' as you said it. The masculine grows by stepping into emotional resistance, becoming comfortable being uncomfortable and doing this on a consistent basis. If you have social fear, then step into social tension. You can easily develop an approaching practice where you daily approach 5 women or men with the intention of getting to know them. You approach them directly and learn to ground your fears. This done consistently over months will grow you. But the longer you keep avoiding this part of yourself, the more you will miss out. 

Edited March 12, 2022 by JonasVE12

[Spence94]

8 hours ago, Ulax said:

I second this

Third. 

"Doing Pick up without doing pickup." That's a great distinction. 

[Spence94]

9 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

watch yourself when you are trying to pick words that would appeal to other rather express whats really going on inside you in calibrated way ..meaning reading social situation...

Important point. I thought about this yesterday. If you try to do pick up and choose your words to appeal, you will attract women but you won't attract women who are attracted to the authentic you. OR you can drop that, just express yourself authentically in the moment with honesty without trying to 'pick her up'  and you will probably not attract the women who liked the other version of you but you WILL attract women who connect with your authenticity. 

Wether you are inauthentic or authentic in your communication, most women won't be interested anyways. Unless you're Leo DiCaprio you ain't gunna be getting a 100% record. So it is better to just focus on authenticity and being well socially calibrated without 'doing pick up', then that way the women you attract will be the ones who are attracted to the authentic you. You'll feel better about it too and enjoy those women and relationships a lot more. 

also yeah, I agree, it doesn't have to be cold approach. You can do social circles and business circles game by adopting this socially calibrated authenticity. Focus on attraction and leadership over persuing and chasing.

Edited March 13, 2022 by Spence94

[SgtPepper]

What are you trying to do?

If you're trying to create a family. Then pick a good one, and be devoted, now that you have that established, you can focus on your purpose.

Otherwise you're just wasting your time - producing nothing fruitful. Perhaps you keep lonely people company or you could be indirectly traumatizing others or yourself; It's also like dabbling in different arts and for what purpose? If all you care about is pleasure then you're just a slave to your creation.

Much better, to pick something and be fruitful.

Edited March 13, 2022 by SgtPepper