Losing in everything as God

[5-D - L O V E]

Before I started taking enlightenment work seriously around 2017 I had a huge delay in almost everything material related compared to my "peers" 

This is one of the reasons I pursued this work so ardently, I basically believed that anyone who had something going on was enlightened in some way for that thing to work, since I always saw beyond people's justifications on how things worked out for them: basically people take credit for good things and disown the bad results while I saw that everything is context, everything is God's will... So with that in mind I decided to go for full enlightenment first and foremost in order to manifest this dream the way I always intuited it can be.

Fast forward to now, after all the ego deaths and consciousness exapnsion to include everything and all that good stuff, I (ego me) turned out to be the ultimate loser, if anything I feel that pure consciousness aside, I am worst off than the place I started, and I feel way too bitter and broken about it, to the point where I feel like no matter what happens, "this" cannot even be recontextualized... I'm afraid I wont ever turn out to be happy, content, or winning.

I am full of bitterness, apathy, desires for revenge... and all the consciousness I used to tap into is now fully gone, it's just ego, I understand now what "devil" means, what falling from grace is all about.

BUT, knowing things in the way I do now, I know that this too IS God, but I just can't grow from it, I'm also too conscious to just go back into "ordinary existance" and climb my way up the ordinary way, so what I basically concluded after all the pain is that existance (for me) is me realizing that the universe exists for me to fulfill my ego's desires, but for that to happen I literally need a miracle, the question is now how would one go about that?

How would one manifest a miracle for the greater good of one's ego? 

This inquiry may seem like a joke to many people here who believe that this is all unspiritual and that I'm full of shit, but it is what it is.

To me, Ego, Self, God and Consciousness are (still) synonimous and I can't differentiate between the them. So I believe it is a geniune desire of god to win through little limited me; OR; It is my geniune desire to win THE WAY I WANNA WIN in order to fall back in love with existance.

Can this be done? Deep down I know it can totally be done, and sometimes I even intuit that it's EASY, but from the limited place I am in, it feels like it's too much to carry and I just go into lethargy blaming myself (as God) 

How does one go about reversing this basically? has anyone dealt with this?

I have the intuition that Leo has gone (is going) through similar things but I feel that he just focuses too much on one side of the equation without going too much into detail about things like shadow work, ego validation, the necessity of selfishness in love... 

To summerize things, my ultimate question through this post is this: How does one take FULL control/lucidity of reality?

How does one take reality's power in order to serve one's ego?

[jimwell]

2 hours ago, 5-D - L O V E said:

To summerize things, my ultimate question through this post is this: How does one take FULL control/lucidity of reality?

How does one take reality's power in order to serve one's ego?

You will never have full control of existence. It doesn't matter if you are God or not. In the end, you are still limited. But you can expand and maximize your limits.

You do this not via spiritual bypassing. You do this via internal and external self-actualization work; self-love, self-esteem, self-confidence, ambitions, planning, implementation, and luck. Luck is the other forces which you don't have control. God is in full control all the time. Even the things I mentioned which seems you have control over, are actually under God's control which are implemented via you.

Everything is spirituality, that includes survival. God is all there is, so everything is spirituality. So, master survival (low level spirituality), and find and then keep your connection to your soul and existence (high level spirituality).

[gettoefl]

ego is powerlessness

you are asking how can i go back to ego and be powerful

that's a contradiction

god consciously creates reality eternally 

[5-D - L O V E]

Contradictions and paradoxes are many when it comes to this issue (from my perspective), maybe they appear as so because I haven't resolution within.

But the main issue that unfolds for me after things which try to diminish the ego's role is this, whenever I pursue spirituality (especially lately) it makes me go into a lethargic state, and I become almost averse to dying, self abandon (physical and mental) and things of this sort.

When I look for the desire to live and do things, it all stems from ego (relatively speaking), the issue there is that I feel like I have never won as the ego, it is in this sense that I'm looking for a resolution, not absolute control (I know that's impossible) but something that makes me feel like reality/god loves me (as the ego).

[5-D - L O V E]

I am aware with the immense feeling of both entitelment and resentment towards reality.

Because of this "never feel like I'm winning" thing, especially when I start comparing myself to people who sometimes do less effort and concerned to a lesser degree with things and that do way better, it can't but feel all the jealousy, which in turn feeds into the negative mental loop..

[Cathal]

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it" - Rumi

[BipolarGrowth]

You just need to suck it up and do the same work others do for good results in normal life. An issue is that consciousness work can, for many people, reduce motivation for material pursuits and typical life success as they often deem it to be beneath them in some way. 
 

It sounds to me like you still have a ways to go with consciousness work judging from your post. Someone who is advanced in this work will quite likely not spend their time judging themselves as being a loser. 
 

What would not being a loser look like in your eyes? Money, fame, a family? What are the metrics you’re using to judge success for yourself? 
 

I’d recommend making a list of what you judge success as and then work at each of these things if you want to change your position and how you view yourself in this regard. 
 

 

Or

 

You could double down on consciousness work above everything else, and with enough work in that direction, you could likely see this self judgment dissipate on its own simply due to making solid progress in that domain. 

[Michal__]

Have you read the books on Leo's booklist? If not, then do so. Just 1 - 2 hours of your day so it doesn't steal away the time you're supposed to use for working on your shekel making business and chasing pussies.

[gettoefl]

understand from the highest perspective there are not goals purposes meanings destinies

god is just hanging out, looking around, having fun

my approach is live each day like it is one complete lifetime

grateful to open my eyes in the morning, a fresh new excited child eager to see what existence is showing, leaving it all on the field exhausted each night

it is all gravy, it is all grace, it is all glorious