D-Coming

[Diane]

Hard times?

 

It’s been 3 rough weeks since I started working as a Resident in Internal Medicine.

Lots of work and even more emotions all around.

For the first time in three years of therapy I cried during a session with my therapist. It was very releasing as I felt better the day afterwards.

As time went on I accepted more easily the workload.

Of course now that I feel a little more at ease with the work on the ward it’s time for a new challenge: tomorrow I’ll start on call shifts.

I feel like my whole life is a personal growth journey interspersed with medical knowledge here and there.

Finishing Medical school was hard, and I learned I needed to focus on being confident.

My first two years of Residency in Sardinia helped me ground the fact that I had the skill needed until I decided to come to Switzerland and I felt again not enough for the task but despite the hardship and the suffering I somehow made it and I was even offered a supervisor position.

Same thing with this Internal medicine thing.

I guess the Universe will continue punching me in the face until I learn to trust myself and have compassion for myself, knowing that the true goal is to learn (and keep patients safe in the process...), and not to appear brilliant all the time.

So, thank you Universe for the lesson, hopefully I’ll soon start embodying it!!

Otherwise:

 

Edited March 26, 2023 by Diane

[Diane]

My life, my choices

 

I did the one belief at a time worksheet on the belief “My job is awful and it will never get better.pdf “ and realized how it’s totally not about my job but about the choices I made that brought about my current reality.

One of the reasons I went into med school was the fact that I saw it as an all-encompassing career that would have left me no time or energy to reflect on being alone when I came home, as at the time I didn’t want to get married nor have children.

How cruel was I to myself!

Even if I’m not married and I don’t have children I deserve to still have some energy left to take care of myself when I get home.

Since it worked wonders with love, I decided to do a list of non-negotiables for work.

 

Edited March 31, 2023 by Diane

[Diane]

My job is a great teacher

 

I did the “Judge your neighbor worksheet” on the resentment I have for how much my current job is demanding and tiring.

Here’s what came out:

• I need myself to be slower and less demanding.
• I need my job to be faster and more demanding (as it will inevitably become in July).
• I look forward to getting to the point of burnout again as it’s from these moments that I learned the most about what is really important for me: I learned the importance of self-care, clear communication and boundaries.
• I need to start to be more proactive about my learning and patient management.
• I can choose to be a simple worker doing a job that helps her have a living and be independent economically.
• I love my job because of the workload and the long hours:
  • I keep going back to it
  • It makes me very conscious about how I spend my free time.

 

Tomorrow I theoretically have a meeting with my boss to get feedback on this first month at the job.

I know I did a less that mediocre job at times and I’m fine with it as it was the best that I could do at the moment.

I wanted to take a minute to contemplate on my experience during this first month:

The beginning was very hard as I didn’t expect to have so little support from the secretaries, and I had no structure on how to organize my tasks. Now it’s getting a little better and I hope that by the end of the four months period I will stay there I’ll be able to be up to date with my medical records without working from home.

 

BTW my contemplation about my workplace non negotiables ended up giving me a new D statement:

 

My Values:

Authenticity

Truth

Honesty

Peace

Well being

 

My what:

Using Integrative medicine to help people own their healing

Having a lean, strong and beautiful body.

Having a partner that I love, admire and inspire.

Having a group of friends with common values and aspirations.

Being financially free.

[Diane]

Brain dump

They say it helps so here I am.

I feel exhausted all the time for three days.

I sleep but I wake up almost as exhausted as when I went to bed.

They say it’s just for a limited moment but right now I really cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. At the same time this is the only job I have for the moment. I lied at work just to try to have a little less to do. I was caught. I survived, the patient too.

Still, I’m in charge of my life theoretically so I should be able to find solutions to make this thing work for me or find another source of income. I’m the one abusing myself by staying in this situation.

What I can do is start looking for alternatives. Even if in the end I decide to stay in medicine it will be good to have other streams of income coming at the same time. I don’t know when I’ll be able to focus on it, but I know I deserve a better life and I owe it to myself to do all I cane to give myself a healthy lifestyle.

Yes, I feel better now, it worked!!

Thank you, Universe, (and Mel Robbins and Struthless)!!

[Diane]

Too many voices?

I feel like I've always made my decisions depend from others or what I thought others wanted or expected from me. My family, school, friends, boyfriends, the personal growth guru of the moment internet...
Maybe it's time to start listening to myself?
A radical action like going inside and listening to myself instead of putting on the XYZ audiobook/video/MasterClass that could help me solve my XYZ problem. 

Every day is a good day to start again so why not today?

It's D time!! ??

I want to re-own my life and be able to do the things that I love (CrossFit, Running, studying, dancing and taking good care of myself and my patients).

[Diane]

Goodbye

 

This is my last post journaling in this forum.

I decided to continue journaling only on paper.

Thank you @Leo Gura for creating this beautiful space and thank you to all the people who interacted with me.

 

All the best!! :* :* :*

 

Diane