D-Coming

[Diane]

Round 3

 

This is my third journal here.

The first one was called “From Half-assed Medical Student To World-class Cardiologist”.

I had just finished medicine school and I had this vision of becoming a world-class cardiologist.

Then I saw that cardiology was somewhat limiting so I created the journal “Becoming a healer”.

And now I realize there’s nothing to “become”, as in: “there is nothing to do and nowhere to go”.

It’s mostly about deconstructing all the layers of “not me” I have accumulated since arriving to this interesting planet and finally letting myself be me 100%.

So here we are in the D-coming phase of my life!!

 

The new standard is:

• Do I like me?
• What can I do today for me?
• Is my cup full?

 

I want to find the Holy grail of being in a harmonious balance between living intentionally and living intuitively.

I have no idea how this is going to happen, but this is what I want.

There is no good or bad way to live life anyway.

But there are consequences.

So maybe the solution for when I don’t know what to do is to go towards what will most probably provoke a consequence I like.

Being the cause, not the effect. 

 

 

Edited March 11, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

Now what?

I hope I screw this up!! 

Today I finished listening to this wonderful book from Kyle Cease and the title sounds like the ultimate solution to anxiety: if I screw up at least I will have done something and done is always better than perfect!! In Kyle cease’s words: “Everything that goes wrong in your life is just an opportunity to improvise and co-create your masterpiece with the Universe.” And: “I know everything is all right, but my mind is stressed,. And I love it, as this is who I am.”

 

 Another thing I need to remember is to delegate as much things as I can: it’s ok to do groceries online, have my nails done by someone else and use the drying machine. One day of course I’ll have a personal chef, a chauffeur, and a personal assistant but until then it’s ok to do whatever I can to make my life easier and in doing so freeing up time and energy for deep work.

[Diane]

The world is a mirror

While doing the Work on the belief I have that the guy I’m dating should always answer me right away.pdf (which leads me to feeling anxious, not worthy and less then when he takes more than a few hours to answer to my messages), I remembered the external world is a mirror to my internal world.

So what am I not answering to?

It is my calling actually.

What I love about my job as a doctor is being able to explain things to patients, as I believe consciousness is the key to healing.

But how can I explain things I don’t know?!

 I haven’t been studying since a long time, I’m always waiting to be ready for it.

One thing I can do is to re-start listening to an internal medicine podcast I had found on Spotify and start planning my days around studying and not relegate it to the mythical moment when I’ll be ready.

Also because being ready is a feeling, not something to achieve.

And I’m always ready for the next moment, and to study!!

[Diane]

Dear little D,

the past is gone. 

And it's NOT coming back.

Even if it were to come back, I got your back now, you are not alone.

If you have any question ask me, I have the answers.

If you need reassurance come to me, I see you and I love you no matter what.

[Diane]

 A new definition of making love: asking for what I want

*NSFW*

This weekend I had a second date.

Let us already celebrate that because it’s been a while.. 

The first one was simply wondrous.

This one was too in a lot of ways: he’s so sweet and accommodating to my sometimes psycho-rigid nature.

Despite having built a very good communication with him (AKA no more silent sex in my life, alleluia!!), I found myself not being able to really communicate with him during sex this time.

The problem was that it started too early for me and I wasn’t able to tell him, so it was nice but a bit meh also.

The lesson learned is to find the courage to express myself even when expressing myself means saying no.

Also because, when I finally let myself tell him what I wanted, that’s when I felt like we were really making love and there wasn’t even penetration involved.

I’m sorry I blamed myself so much yesterday for this faux pas.

It’s ok D, you hoped you screwed this up and you nailed it, congratulations!! 

[Diane]

Expecting the best while planning for the worst

 

I tend to do very optimistic plans that miserably fail EVERY single time.

I’m not alone, it has a name: planning fallacy.

We attract what we believe so it’s good to believe everything is going to turn out well and our goals are achievable yet it’s useful to take into account also the nature of reality.

My new approach then is to plan for the worst: take in account that there will inevitably be contingencies and unexpected happenings.

It means reducing my activities to the essential, planning to just do what really needs to be done.

 

Another epiphany I had this week was that the ultimate answer to anxiety is overpreparing.

Anxiety happens to me mostly at work and I know I could prepare better for it. I’m so into personal development that I put aside studying in general and for the exams I have in particular. Once again, it’s all about balance. So, it’s doubly a good thing that I’m revising my plans!!

 

_ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _

 

About this week

 

My highlight of the week:

I survived feeling overwhelmed and having to work anyway once again.

On Tuesday I recognized it’s not that “I have too many things to do” in general, there are just some moments when there is more to do. Anyway, in both cases most of them are not life or death situations, so chill D!!

And yesterday at a certain moment I took the time to write a list of good things happening at the same time as I was feeling so bad and it helped.

AKA “gratitude is the fastest way to happiness”.

 

My lowlight/learning:

I’ve been skipping my morning and evening routines for a while now and it shows in my mood.

 

My focus for next week:

Getting back on track with my morning and evening routines.

[Diane]

More than words

Yesterday’s night beautiful words ended up in me binge watching Sex Education until this morning.

And now I’m in at a sadness level I hadn’t been in a while.

I say I love myself, but I don’t act like it because I betray myself all the time by not putting myself first, eating randomly and recently falling off from the habit of exercising and meditating regularly.

I just don’t know why I can’t just be well.

Maybe it’s the second law of thermodynamics.

Or maybe I just got lost at a certain point and now I need to rebuild my Queendom from more solid foundations.

The objective now is to get radical: I know how to take care of myself and from now on I need to be intransigent in doing it.

What about the rdv I have with my roommates to go in a creperie (the radical TLC also comprises going vegan)? I’ll take what approaches it the most.

[Diane]

New beginnings

Every day is a good day to start fresh so why not today?

I am at the end of a wonderful week of vacations.

I went to Florence and I had the best time of my life relaxing and enjoying the town.

I even started reading a novel for the first time since when I was in school, I had only read medicine or personal growth books since then.

And I allowed myself to watch the second season of Bridgerton, going against the “vow” of not watching Netflix this year.

As a cherry on top came this meditation I found on YouTube.

It’s funny how all this “doing things I just feel like doing” came from my therapist telling me I don’t NEED meditation to be happy and fulfilled and it ended on a meditation (it’s a list of affirmations but still).

I haven’t meditated since a few weeks, and I feel a great sense of peace anyway. Incredible!!

Now what?

I have no idea.

I more or less failed on the plan for March, the main focus should have been my financial plan but I just spent as I liked. At least I don’t have debt.

For the next months I have plenty of things I’d like to do, as always.

Will I be able to focus on only one, at least mainly?

Been there done that: I need to focus on studying, as I have an exam on the 10th of June.

It will be also for my new motto “Get competence and you’ll get confidence”.

For all the rest, the answer to overwhelm and anxiety is the rule of 5%: I’ll be happy of I only do the 5% of things but regularly.

 I hope I screw this up again if the result is to finally like myself as I am.

I’ve almost finished the course “Secrets of Elite women” from Anna Bey. After being intimidated and overwhelmed by all the work that is required to become an “Elite woman” I see now how I don’t NEED that either. I still want to achieve at least part of that lifestyle but now with much more love and appreciation for the amazing woman I am already.

As my mum would say: Namaste!! 

[Diane]

Dear Anxiety

Can we be friends ?

I’m not the best friend on earth but I can try.

I’m pretty successful when I decide to focus on a goal, that’s how I became a doctor and achieved many other things in life.

I know you have the best intentions for me, I would just like you not to hurt so much.

I still have a lot to learn but if I’m constantly worried about EVERYTHING I don’t know I won’t be able to go very far.

Remember the times we studied while crying? Yeah, I don’t think I learned a lot on those occasions.

After it got better.

There are so many things we’d both like to do but we can’t do all of them at once.

And I seem to have better results when I focus on just one thing.

It will be studying.

I still don’t know what and how, but we’ll figure it out.

But really, what do you want from me?

I cannot be perfect, we have to find a way to accept it.

I want to know things I don’t know and be things I am not.

Maybe I should just be humbler and just be the imperfect and messy person I am.

Goodbye Perfection, you looked good but you also were such a source of misery for me.

The plan now is to just be me and be good to me.

So thank you anxiety for making me afraid of not being perfect: I can’t!!
Now I know.

See you soon,

Diane

Edited April 17, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

Priorities

I had four more or less free days (I was on call at work but also had a lot of free time) and I didn't study one line.

Yet I went shopping multiple times.

I love shopping and I care about how I appear.

I spent two weeks stressing and preparing for a one week vacation I did in Florence with a friend when I could have just gone for a jeans and t-shirt look for the whole week without any problem.

Also I spent yesterday cleaning my room and also a balcony I finally didn't use.

The answer os to de the most important things first I guess.

I'll need to find a library to go study in the city I am working in now.

I wish I had the same motivation I have for shopping for studying too.

It will come with practice!!

[Diane]

I’m starting to understand  (AKA Embody)

This weekend I went to an incredible Movement therapy retreat.

For one I brought with me what I learned in my day to day life.

 

Here are some notes I took:

• Be gentle with yourself
• Hell yes or NO: take the time to decide and only then go. First center and then go, there is always time to center. And only action created from a centered place can create beauty.
• Let the present moment be eternal.
• I am elegant and powerful.
• Stop thinking. Start moving!!
• When you move your body, you DISRUPT your pattern.
• One day at a time!
• Miracles can be created when we work on trust.
• Ask directly for what you want.
• Compassion starts with compassion for myself. Beware the spiritual bias of "I'm better than them". We are all the same.
• I can take care of me, I take care of so many people!!
• Everything is going to be fine. How to know? Embody it!!
• What is the first thing I am going to do tomorrow? TRUST
• Everything is instantly forgiven, AND you get the gift of doing better the next time. The sense of guilt is already enough as a punishment.

Also, I received so much during those two days!! And I keep receiving plenty of love from the people that were there!! One of the many incredible things that happened is that I received a bouquet of the flowers that were used as decoration with one of the roses I had been desiring to take home but hadn’t found the courage to ask for... 

Universe always delivers, and always abundantly.

 

On Sunday morning I also listened to a video from Kyle Cease and received a new mantra:

Life is easy!

The more I think about it and the more I see how true it is for me!!

 

Thank you Gisela Rocha, thank you Kyle Cease, thank you Angels and thank you Universe.

[Diane]

Center first

 

Yesterday I had a sudden glimpse of awareness while running in the hamster wheel of trying to finish the things I had to finish for work as fast as I could: just one week ago I had “finally understood” the importance of centering first and only then taking action, and here I was running in circles again without any kind of grounding.

I think I’ve developed a certain fear of planning.

I always make big big plans that I’m able to act on for a little while and then fall apart for one reason or another.

So I stopped planning altogether. (#allornothing, so adult...)

And now I feel guilty for everything I haven’t done and overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do.

For the guilt part it’s fine, the last week I also learnt that the guilt is enough as a punishment, and I get to do better next time, thank you Universe.

For the feeling of overwhelm I consciously know that the answer is in being in the present moment: when I am fully in the present moment, I am more efficient, and I don’t get overwhelmed.

So, the solution would be to create a plan so easy to execute that I can’t get overwhelmed.

I’ll try that.

 

On the same train of thought, I caught myself in the “I’ll be … when …”. Specifically, it was “I’ll be calm when I’ll have finished what I have to finish for work." Oh, sweet summer child, you got it backwards!! I need to be calm now if I want to be calm later. Also, the future may not even come.

So how can I be calm now? I have to let go of wanting the present moment to be different than what it is.

It still makes me sad having to accept that I am not what I would like to be, and I don’t know everything I would like to know.

I would like to be a person that I am not yet.

And probably, when I’ll be that person, I’ll still want to be something else.

How can I love me unconditionally?

With practice I guess, and repetition: with repetition I’ll become a master!!

 

I’ve just found a quote I had saved from the book The Resilient Physician: “There is no tragedy in having a stressful life. The only tragedy is failing to enjoy the life you have”.

 

The truth is I have a good life and I am a very lucky person. And that’s what I want to embody.

 

So, thank you Universe and thank you to the me that took the time to stop and reflect.

[Diane]

Three years of us

 

Dear Switzerland,

 

are we even friends?

You kind of asked me to come to you and I accepted.

What I expected to happen didn’t happen and it is for the best.

Expectations are always the problem, right?

This anniversary made me realize I have now spent more time with you that the time I spent in Sardinia. And I loved Sardinia!

So much that I quit her for your promise… Touchée!!

When I think about this last three years, I have a lot of compassion for myself.

I suffered a lot, sometimes without reason and others because I had to shed layers of what was no longer serving me and it hurt, a lot.

It hurt to realize I was wrong in a lot of ways; it hurt to realize I spent so much time and money trying to fit in in an environment and with people I didn’t really like and/or who didn’t really like me.

On the bright side, thanks to the salary I had here I was able to start therapy and enjoyed a lot of things and places I couldn’t have otherwise.

I guess that after so many adventures together we could at least consider ourselves acquaintances.

You’re not my first choice as a destination for vacations and maybe I’m not yours but if we crossed each other, we’d make the effort to do a little small talk.

At the same time the world is a mirror.

So, if I’m not 100% in peace with you it means there are still things I don’t accept and love about myself.

That’s what therapy is for, I guess.

Funny thing is that my therapist proposed me to do a gratitude journal, as in “I really already have all the answers inside me”.

I just need to start to act on them.

So, cheers to us, dear Switzerland!!

 

May you find your peace as I find mine and may we become friends as befriend myself.

 

With love,

 

Diane

[Diane]

 Saying No

 

The new rule is “Hell yes or no!”, so I’m starting to have to say a lot of NOs.

Like the Movement for Therapy training I could start in September.

The more I think about it and the more I want to be loyal to the intention of “doing less and being more” I have for this year. It’s an intention I betrayed since the very first week of the year: I did so many things! It was fun but now I’m really curious about what would happen if I really lived intentionally, and most of all slowly. I dream of a life in which I’m not exhausted all the time and I drink coffee just for pleasure. Given the career I’ve chosen I can’t ask for it in my professional life (at least not yet) but the time that remains, as little as it may be, is mine to manage.

I’m still learning to gracefully say no but, as with everything else, I’ll get better with practice.

 

Here are the list of things/people I’m saying No to in the short term:

• The Movement for Life training (maybe to do next year)
• Having MFL sessions with a friend
• Going at a barbecue on June 4th as I have an exam on June 10th

 

Hell YESes I’m saying in the short term:

• Becoming more and more competent and knowledgeable in my work through studying for the two exams I have in June and November. A "Hell Yes" doesn’t need an explanation but here it is anyway: I do love my job, I love being able to help my patients and I want to become better and better at it!!
• The two runs I planned for June 11th and in August. I love running and I deserve to take the time for it.
• Rest!!! I’m already doing it: in general now when I’m tired, I just sleep (instead of getting angry because I’m tired and mindlessly loading up on coffee. Apparently a 15 min power nap is more effective than a double espresso, who knew!?! ). #thankGodIdon’thavekids!!
• Morning and evening routine. There is no reason in the world for which I couldn’t be able to start my days centered and finish strong.

 

Hopefully it will not be too much anyway.

I’ll adjust if needed.

[Diane]

Becoming wise

A few days ago I understood why wise people are calm, collected and imperturbable.

After almost 7 years of experience as a Junior Doctor, I’m finally starting to stress less when I am called to deal with situations I don’t feel 100% ready to manage.

Also, when I get frustrated for something I very rapidly can see how or when I’ve done the same thing and suddenly I feel less angry and I can handle the situation a lot better.

Sometimes I feel like this being better at coping with new/stressful situations is more of a hopelessness thing that it is about surrendering and accepting reality as it is.

How do I know which is which?

From how I feel.

For the moment they are both there: I would rather have a day where nothing happens or only minor stuff that I’ve dealt with a thousand times happen. But after dealing with new/stressful situations I am always grateful for the knowledge/awareness gained from it.

Maybe one day I’ll just be excited every time a challenge arise.

Is enthusiasm the next level after wisdom??!

Maybe but probably not.

Fear does help in taming enthusiasm: it helps me avoid danger.

As my therapist - a very wise person indeed - always says: it’s all about balance.

 

Wise people know that growth requires discomfort and being stretched to their limits and they are ok with that.

[Diane]

The root cause of my lack of self esteem

Talking with my therapist, it turned out everything begun with my quest for an expression of love from my father in a language he can’t speak.

Things like hugs, lots of compliments and similar.

I spent my childhood trying to be the perfect little girl and somewhat looking for his approval.

Then I just became the one who was never satisfied of anything I did.

But maybe the disapproval I felt was just because he had another way of showing love and care.

I can’t blame little me for not being aware of this.

So I’m just grateful to have this awareness now.

 

Unspoken expectations are a cause of great suffering.

 

Dear little me,

People express love in many different ways.

Just because someone doesn’t speak the same language as you, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you or disapprove of you.

Regardless, the only person you need to be approved from is yourself and guess what, I 100% approve of you!! You’re such a beautiful person!!

Walk straight and proud because you’re a badass little me!!

Love you,

Future you

[Diane]

Walking with my own feet and thinking with my own head

 

I somehow got the sensation that Personal Growth is something I don’t need anymore, like I crutch that was very useful for a while but now I can walk without aid because the fracture has consolidated.

Also, a part of me started seeing personal growth as a distraction, moving on surface waters instead of going deep down.

Both may be true because while I was meditating and doing workshops to gain confidence, I could just have opened some books and gained confidence through competence.

But I guess I needed to know that I was able to become that person first.

So, thank you Personal Growth, thank you to all the teachers I followed, beginning from Les Brown, passing through Leo and now Mahima.

I still have things to work on, but therapy is good enough now.

 

It’s a bit scary to really assume the responsibility of governing my life without following what the chosen "Guru" of the moment says.

But it’s for the best.

 

Now the question is: will I continue the journey with the Mindset training anyway?

I’d rather study and maybe just listen to the recordings of the Masterclasses.

 

Becoming an adult is about growing an internal validation system.

I think I’m getting there. 

Edited May 10, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

Freedom

 

Now that I “freed myself” from personal growth, I get to write my own rules and live a life on my own terms.

Things like: tonight there was a Zoom masterclass of the Mindset training, yet I chose to have the night free: I had the time to wonder about how, where and when to do my nails; I talked to the phone with a friend and I ended up watching the movie “Mean Girls”. Interestingly enough I had never watched it.

I’ve done enough personal growth to know that the phrase “I should have studied” is false, but still, I feel like it.

The good thing is I’ve also done enough internal work to know that the fact that I wish I had studied is fuel to motivate me to do better from now on.

And that’s why wise people tend to be also very kind, in addition to being calm, collected, and imperturbable.

So, what is the most loving next step?

Do I go for a run or study tomorrow morning?

My body is begging me to move, I’ve been sitting so much lately I feel my butt… 

So I’ll go for a run, and study afterwards.

I guess I also need to review my study schedule..

I struggled so much with anxiety but failed to see the solution I had in front of me: to just prepare (or, as Evy Poumpouras and Lisa Bilyeu would propose, to OVERprepare)!!

So funny!!

I'll do better now.

Thank you Universe for the endless second chances!!

 

Edited May 12, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

What do I really want ?

At less than one month form my specialization exam I’m doubting the choice of doing Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation.

It’s a very vast domain. I should be able to design a rehabilitation program for more or less any kind of patient.

I had a lot of other issues to focus on during the last 3 years and studying fell very low in my priority list so I’m not ready. I’ll do the best that I can with the time that I have but right now I’m restarting to fancy my love for Cardiology.

Returning to ground zero, what I like about my job is being able to explain things to people. And the more I know, the more I can empower my patients and help them become "healthier through consciousness”.

Phew, faith in PM&R restored!! 

Edited May 14, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

Problems??

So, I have an exam on June 10th. I know the date since one year but I didn’t prepare and I even put many things to do apart from studying for the next days. It’s mostly this week, then I’ll “just” have work scheduled.

The question is: shall I just give up on the goal of doing a race the day after the exam or not?

I’m very sorry to renounce to it, also because we scheduled to go with a friend, yet I can’t but live in reality and in the world I am in right now the exam is more important and I have to at least give it a try.

Can you imagine if I succeed the run and fail the exam?!

The other thing is that I fell again in the trap of making unrealistic plans that -obviously- failed and now I’m back to no planning at all and “just doing my best”.   #failrecommit, I’ll do a new plan.

It hurts though.

Let’s reframe it: I live such a wonderful life that my biggest problem is having to renounce to a running competition so that I can dedicate myself to an exam.

*Exits singing an Ho'oponopono prayer…