I kindly ask for your advice (Reality is breaking apart)

[Eonwe5]

Hello everyone, <3

I’m writing this post because for the last month, I have been slipping in and out of full-on panic and crisis mode. This is the most challenging and disorienting time of my entire life. And I have come closer to wanting to just end all my suffering at once than I ever thought would be possible. My hopes are that some of you might give me some pointers, some understanding, some advice, some help, that might help me with a gentle transition out of this phase, into the light again. Because I’m trying my best to choose faith, and to see all of this as a birthing process, rather than the path’s dire end. Even though it feels like that most of the time.

There is a bushfire raging in my psyche and burning down my sense of reality and identity, and my guess is that this has been sparked by a very disturbing LSD-Trip three months ago. There, I literally felt that I had to die, that I had to go, that there was no other way, for hours and hours, even long after I should have been sobered again. The symptoms that I’m now experiencing didn’t start right after that trip, because in the two months after it life (and reality) resumed more or less as always. However, I think that it must have something to do with that, but more details on this trip later.

I’ll jump right in with describing what I’ve been experiencing over the last month, with the attempt to give you a raw description, without already putting any labels or interpretations on it. I'm not exactly very steeped in the whole non-duality thing, just watched a few videos here and there, and I don't want to throw around with any dangerous half-knowledge  

Here are some situations that I’ve experienced, clustered into, well, ahem, “problems”:

 

I don’t exist

-   I’m randomly looking at a photo of mine. I think: “Hmm, so that’s me.” --> “Aaah no, that’s not me, that’s just the surface of my body! But then nobody can actually see ME! Noone can ever really make contact with me! I am forever completely alone!” --> panic

-          I’m feeling anxious and I’m trying to make contact with my inner child to calm it down, something that I’ve worked with for a few years. In my imagination, I as my adult self say: “I’m there. I’m there. And I won’t go away.”, and try to take it into my arms. à My Inner child screams angrily: “But you don’t exist!! You don’t exist!!” --> I don’t know what to answer to that, because I’ve realized that the image of my adult self is actually just a thought --> panic

-          I’m playing the guitar, and I enter into a flow state. At some point I realize with happiness: “Wow, everything’s flowing and moving on its own!” --> “Aaaargh, everything is happening on it’s own! I’m not there! I don’t exist! I can’t do anything!” --> panic

-          I realize that all my thoughts, all the images, everything in my mind is just arising on its own, and that I actually have NO influence whatsoever over it --> “But then I myself cannot speak! I am mute! I can’t do anything!! I’m not there!” --> panic

 

Everything is an Illusion

-          I’m sitting at the kitchen table, head in my hands. A friend of mine gently rests his arm on my shoulder to console me. --> I realize the image in my mind of him sitting there, my internal representation of him, as being just a thought, and not reality. I realize that the sensation of his arm on my shoulders is just sensory data that is arising in consciousness. I realize that the feeling of comfort and connection that I feel is just fabricated out of these inputs. --> I am getting the feeling of being absolutely, terribly alone, that my friend isn’t actually there, that he exists only in my mind --> panic.

-          Even when I turn around to look at him, I start to question whether he’s really THERE, or whether I’m just receiving an image, sitting behind a screen, where I’m actually terribly alone.

-          I sometimes feel like I’m not INSIDE reality, or in contact with it, but that I’m looking out from a place behind the screen of my eyes, like I’m not in real contact with anything that’s happening, that nothing can really reach ME, that I’m trapped in a dark and utterly lonely place forever, looking out at a screen.

-          I sometimes question whether anything / anyone besides the things I’m directly experiencing right now actually exist. If I remind myself of my friends, if I remind myself of my flat mate being in the room next to me, then those are just thoughts, and images, and the feelings of safety and connection that arise are also just fabrications of my mind that follows the images. --> I feel like no one but me exists, I’m terribly alone

 

Noone can truly love ME

-          Someone says to me lovingly something like: “Oh Jonas, I love you, man! It’s so nice to spend time with you, you’re so (…)” --> I remember that I haven’t done anything for my good qualities, my humor, my intelligence, my looks, my way of being, that I don’t have free will, that I didn’t contribute anything to that. That nothing of the things that people love me for is really ME. Neither my body, nor my thoughts, nor my actions --> “Aah, but then no one really, truly loves ME, everyone is just loving these surface traits that are not really me, Noone can really see ME, no one can really love ME!” --> “I can never be truly seen, I can never be truly loved”--> Panic

 

Nothing has any meaning

-          I try to console myself in all my panic and pain, by reminding myself: “Everything here is nothing but thoughts and feelings that are arising, that’s all. I can just watch all of that.” --> a moment of relief --> “Aaah, but if everything is nothing but thoughts and feelings, then where is the problem with people suffering? Then it doesn’t really matter if I help people or not! Then it doesn’t matter to try and increase the good in the world! --> Then nothing matters!!

 

I have to go, I have to die

-  I spend time talking to a friend, I don’t really feel seen, I don’t really feel connected with him, I feel like I’m constantly projecting an inauthentic persona, I don’t really feel “here” --> a feeling of inescapable doom, of resignation, of hopelessness fills my body, It feels like “It is of no use. There is no other way. I have to go. I have to say goodbye. I have to die.”  --> (this is the same feeling that I had at the end of my LSD-Trip)

 

 

As mentioned above, one important event that might have contributed to this situation was a solo trip on 100mg LSD that I had three months ago. To make a long story rather short:

At some point, a few hours into the trip (which started off with me accidentally falling asleep on my couch and being really disoriented and disturbed when waking up), I experienced the voice in my head, or “myself”, as being trapped telling a story to the outside world. When I walked around my room, feeling panic rising in my body, my inner voice would say: “And I was walking around my room, trying not to panic, and I didn’t know what to do.” Once I then noticed that the voice in my head was acting like a podcast guest, it went: “And somehow, all I could do was to act like someone telling a story on a podcast”. When I then noticed that, and was pretty confused, it went: “And it was really confusing, because it just didn’t stop! That voice kept going on and on.” Et cetera et cetera. This went on for hours and hours, during which I desperately tried to “find myself”, to “turn around”, to “make contact with myself” again, but it all was of no use, like a hand trying to grasp itself.

Eventually, I ended up in a state of deep resignation. I sat down with my head in my hands, feeling like I was completely utterly alone, like there was nothing I could do. (And all the while my narrator goes: “And I was sitting there, head in my hands, and I really didn’t know what to do.” Aaaahhhh!!). I sunk deeper and deeper into this feeling of hopelessness, of absolute futility, and it felt like there was a part in me that was really upset, saying things like: “Well I’m sorry Jonas, but I really have to say goodbye.” “Something HAS to change.” “This CAN NOT go on like this!” “I have to go!”.

When, 8 hours after ingestion, I felt like I was finally coming down a little, I tried to just “walk it out”, I walked up and down my room, counting my breaths, trying to stay afloat. There was no strength left in me to surrender to anything anymore. Eventually, 10 hours after ingestion, I called a friend to just let him keep talking to me, and I felt a little more relaxed. We talked for three hours, but, dear god, this visceral feeling of “I have to go”, “I have to say goodbye”, “there is no other way”, kept coming back up, and was even getting stronger and stronger. It felt like there was a wise, loving, smiling, higher part of me that was gently taking my hand, wanting to lead me away into nowhere, into nothingness, saying “It is time. Come, my dear. We have to go.” My entire body was filled with the feeling that I, or that something in me, HAD to die, HAD to go, and that there was absolutely way around it. It felt like nothing could possibly keep me here in this reality, not even my friend on the phone. Eventually, I hung up with the words “Thank you, but the rest I will have to do alone”.

When an hour later, 4 hours after I should have been sobered again, this feeling still persisted, I texted “I love you” to my mother, father, and sister. I wrote a goodbye letter. I looked at my own picture and said goodbye. I was so tired, but I didn’t want to go to bed and fall asleep, because It felt like I would be carried away by the strong, deep, dark current of a river, like I would either wake up the next day permanently crazy, or not wake up at all.  

Eventually, about 6 hours after I should have been sobered, the feeling subsided a little. I realized “Okay. I think I do not have to die. Let’s just go to bed, and hope that it will all be over tomorrow.” Well then, surprise, and praise the Lord, I did wake up the next morning, and I was not permanently crazy. (At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself). There were still remains of the “I have to go”-feeling, and of panic inside my body, but over the course of the next two days it slowly went away.

 

 

Now. uring the last two weeks, on two evenings, that feeling returned. I experienced a very similar feeling of inescapable hopelessness, of having to say goodbye to the world, of there being no other possible way than me dying. My body is filled with the feeling of an approaching end, everything feels like “there’s no escape, I have to go, it is of no use”. I have been able to distance myself a little more from the part of me that feels like that, so last time it happened I could kind of just watch it, let it be there, and then just get up and make myself pasta anyway.

But still, every moment now is filled with a subtle feeling of despair, and meaninglessness, something like: “I’m drifting away, I’m lost in a bad dream and I can’t wake up, I don’t understand anything, there is nothing to cling to, everything has always been just a bad joke.”

 

Perhaps someone of you can give me a few helpful comments on what I’m experiencing. Maybe a few pointers in the right direction, what I could do, or not do, in order to go through this as peacefully and gently as possible, and avoid any further major breakdowns. (I’ve really had enough of these, thank you Mr. Universe, I’m full!)

Like, should I just wait and try to resume with life “as usual? Should I retreat into a mountain cave and meditate? Should I try to "allow" that part of me to die when the feeling comes back again?  Is there something else that can help me?

I love you, even though I’m not quite sure anymore what that means,

Jonas (whoever that is)

 

[nutlow]

53 minutes ago, Eonwe5 said:

-   I’m randomly looking at a photo of mine. I think: “Hmm, so that’s me.” --> “Aaah no, that’s not me, that’s just the surface of my body! But then nobody can actually see ME! Noone can ever really make contact with me! I am forever completely alone!” --> panic

-          I’m feeling anxious and I’m trying to make contact with my inner child to calm it down, something that I’ve worked with for a few years. In my imagination, I as my adult self say: “I’m there. I’m there. And I won’t go away.”, and try to take it into my arms. à My Inner child screams angrily: “But you don’t exist!! You don’t exist!!” --> I don’t know what to answer to that, because I’ve realized that the image of my adult self is actually just a thought --> panic

-          I’m playing the guitar, and I enter into a flow state. At some point I realize with happiness: “Wow, everything’s flowing and moving on its own!” --> “Aaaargh, everything is happening on it’s own! I’m not there! I don’t exist! I can’t do anything!” --> panic

-          I realize that all my thoughts, all the images, everything in my mind is just arising on its own, and that I actually have NO influence whatsoever over it --> “But then I myself cannot speak! I am mute! I can’t do anything!! I’m not there!” --> panic

-I am feeling

-I am panicking

-I am....

Who is watching this? Who feels the anxiety? Are u the feelings, thoughts, sensations, or is it being watched?

[Arthogaan]

55 minutes ago, Eonwe5 said:

“Hmm, so that’s me.” --> “Aaah no, that’s not me, that’s just the surface of my body! But then nobody can actually see ME! Noone can ever really make contact with me! I am forever completely alone!” --> panic

You are not your face. You are not your body. You are not even your mind and personality. You are an enigma behind all of it. You are your own element. A force. People can't directly see you, but then can feel you. They can feel what kind of an element you are. They can know you from your vibe. Connection between people never happens beetwin flesh and bones and skin. It happens when You as a certain vibration are with harmony with the other human. Do not worry. Be the vibe you want to be and people will feel it/know you.

 

58 minutes ago, Eonwe5 said:

“Aaaargh, everything is happening on it’s own! I’m not there! I don’t exist! I can’t do anything!” --> panic

You are flow. What you are is a vibe. There was a certain style/vibe that was present in that flow state - you were there. On the other hand. If you think you ceased to be, then you experienced death in a way. So no need to think "that you should die".

 

1 hour ago, Eonwe5 said:

I feel like no one but me exists, I’m terribly alone

Realize the impermanence of things. All the people you like are going to be gone. Wheter they are real or just your imagination they are going to die some time. And they will never exist ever again. So why not appreciate that blessing? That all those people that you know didn't exist ever before, and will not exist ever again. You managed to be in this little slice of time just perfectly to know them. So love them. As people. As your imagination. Doesn't matter. Appreciate them. No one is going to stay...

 

1 hour ago, Eonwe5 said:

“Aaah, but if everything is nothing but thoughts and feelings, then where is the problem with people suffering? Then it doesn’t really matter if I help people or not! Then it doesn’t matter to try and increase the good in the world! --> Then nothing matters!!

Again, you are the instrument and lIfe is a song. Of course playing a song is meaningless. Thats why it is so fun! Did you need a meaning to have fun as a kid? Did you need a meaning to be kind and authentic to other people when you were a kid? 

Play a song you want to play. If you don't like to create song in which you help people then don't. But I guarantee you it is a lot of fun to be an instrument of Love and Understanding. The Fun/Love is meaning. 

 

1 hour ago, Eonwe5 said:

There is no other way. I have to go. I have to say goodbye. I have to die.”

Chill dude. You are going to die anyway. Just see how you will die later. Just be an instrument and play a cool song with you life.

PS. I know that you will not understand but you don't need to. Just know that I am you older brother with a higher perspective and I just want you to know that All is Well. It really is. 

Also a video that helped me some years ago with a deep loneliness and an unfulfilled desire to feel connection: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_gIXoD4Iro&t=217s&ab_channel=eternalnectar

And of course a meme.

 

[Seraphim]

Non-doership is neither true nor untrue, the truth lies beyond that concept, outside of the mind. Non-doership is no big deal, you don't have to feel bad about it, think about it like this: A human is a human, if a human thinks he is not a human then he is delusional. If I look at you, I see a human, of course we can see you, of course your friends and family can love you, you are a real human, so don't worry about it Your trip revealed some truths about the I-thought, consciousness and your identity, it forced insights to come and created confusion, but the truth is very simple and feels perfect when you see it clearly, so let go of those half-truths and don't worry.

[Leo Gura]

@Eonwe5

You have to be careful about how you are using your mind here. Notice that a lot of mental activity is going on -- thinking -- and this thinking is putting you into negative states. This is not awakening nor consciousness, this is the ego-mind at work. Your mind is trying to compensate for lack of consciousness and awakening by coming up with philosophical conclusions and stories about reality.

A thought like "I don't exist" is NOT awakening, nor is it high consciousness.

I recommend a few things:

1) Stop thinking about this stuff so much and instead do a meditation practice like mindfulness with labeling so that you bust out of your mental masturbation. You have to learn to step outside your thoughts and observe them. Thinking about thinking is not the same thing as stepping outside of thinking and observing it. Taking your thinking too seriously is the fundamental problem here.

2) Make a rule with yourself that no matter how much you suffer or what you think, you will never physically harm yourself.

3) Make sure you create a fulfilling life for yourself before you go deep into spiritual seeking. Ground your life in normal stuff like career, life purpose, fitness, healthy eating, socialization, sex, relationships, friendships, learning, etc.

4) If you're going into spirituality have a rigorous practice that you do, not just thinking about spirituality. Thinking about spirituality is NOT a spiritual practice.

[WelcometoReality]

@Eonwe5 That realization can be very terrifying for some people. What is seen is that who you thought you were was in reality just thoughts and feelings. That voice is now what is causing all that disturbance for you because it has seen that it is illusiory and you still believe it somewhat or else it wouldn't disturb you. This will gradually become better with time. Before you know it you'll be perfectly fine with being unknown to yourself. ?

But you're here writing this to us. ? You might not be what you thought you were and you might not be able to explain/know what you are but you do exist. 

I can also (just as leo said) recommend mindfulness labeling to break those thought/feeling patterns that you still identify with.

[Value]

Woah, I have been facing very similar issues lately. Good to have a thread about it now

[Eonwe5]

Hey there everyone,

Just a quick follow-up for anyone who might find themselves in a similar situation: 

Research lead me to find that what I have been experiencing is depersonalization/derealization disorder. I'm recovering from it, and it doesn't have anything to do with "too many insights", or spiritual matters. This is just the story my mind has created, in a desperate attempt to make sense of what I'm experiencing.

There are a lot of helpful channels on YouTube covering the topic, everything I'm experiencing perfectly fits it, and things slowly start to feel normal again.

Don't believe in everything your mind says  

Much love

 

[Breakingthewall]

Do you smoke weed? Your mental processes remember me when i used to smoke. I totally stopped the weed because that depersonalization, that compulsion to analyze everything, to narrate what is happening with the mind.

[Michael Jackson]

@Eonwe5 Lol thank you so much brother for sharing this<3

 

[Galyna]

On 3/10/2022 at 11:55 AM, Eonwe5 said:

I’m feeling anxious and I’m trying to make contact with my inner child to calm it down, something that I’ve worked with for a few years. In my imagination, I as my adult self say: “I’m there. I’m there. And I won’t go away.”, and try to take it into my arms. à My Inner child screams angrily: “But you don’t exist!! You don’t exist!!” --> I don’t know what to answer to that, because I’ve realized that the image of my adult self is actually just a thought --> panic

Notice, it has been the case all your life, you have not noticed this, what has changed, really? You came to a realization.

 

On 3/10/2022 at 11:55 AM, Eonwe5 said:

I realize that all my thoughts, all the images, everything in my mind is just arising on its own, and that I actually have NO influence whatsoever over it --> “But then I myself cannot speak! I am mute! I can’t do anything!! I’m not there!” --> panic

 

That is a hard core, some people said they needed to learn again how to walk after non-dual experience. 

On 3/10/2022 at 11:55 AM, Eonwe5 said:

I’m sitting at the kitchen table, head in my hands. A friend of mine gently rests his arm on my shoulder to console me. --> I realize the image in my mind of him sitting there, my internal representation of him, as being just a thought, and not reality.

Yep, I do realize this quite often too.

 

On 3/10/2022 at 11:55 AM, Eonwe5 said:

I am getting the feeling of being absolutely, terribly alone, that my friend isn’t actually there, that he exists only in my mind --> panic.

When I feel this way, next realization is : "no worries, there is no "I" either. You are no more real as he is. 

 

On 3/10/2022 at 11:55 AM, Eonwe5 said:

I’m trapped in a dark and utterly lonely place forever, looking out at a screen.

Pure imagination of the mind..

 

On 3/10/2022 at 11:55 AM, Eonwe5 said:

I sometimes question whether anything / anyone besides the things I’m directly experiencing right now actually exist. If I remind myself of my friends, if I remind myself of my flat mate being in the room next to me, then those are just thoughts, and images, and the feelings of safety and connection that arise are also just fabrications of my mind that follows the images. --> I feel like no one but me exists, I’m terribly alone

Yup, been there too, but if you remove "I", can void/nothingness be really alone

 

On 3/10/2022 at 11:55 AM, Eonwe5 said:

Noone can really see ME, no one can really love ME!” --> “I can never be truly seen, I can never be truly loved”--> Panic

this is the bitter pill to swallow for me too, ego hates it because it has been dreaming about soul mate and here we go: there is no other....

 

On 3/10/2022 at 11:55 AM, Eonwe5 said:

Nothing has any meaning

-          I try to console myself in all my panic and pain, by reminding myself: “Everything here is nothing but thoughts and feelings that are arising, that’s all. I can just watch all of that.” --> a moment of relief --> “Aaah, but if everything is nothing but thoughts and feelings, then where is the problem with people suffering? Then it doesn’t really matter if I help people or not! Then it doesn’t matter to try and increase the good in the world! --> Then nothing matters!!

Love does!

On 3/10/2022 at 11:55 AM, Eonwe5 said:

I have to go, I have to die

-  I spend time talking to a friend, I don’t really feel seen, I don’t really feel connected with him, I feel like I’m constantly projecting an inauthentic persona, I don’t really feel “here” --> a feeling of inescapable doom, of resignation, of hopelessness fills my body, It feels like “It is of no use. There is no other way. I have to go. I have to say goodbye. I have to die.”  --> (this is the same feeling that I had at the end of my LSD-Trip)

Mind talks....who has to die, nothingness? How?

It seems like you still believe in the control if you resist to what is in the moment. 

But yeah, good luck....it will soak in eventually. 

Just keep watching the movie on the screen, the flow will take your body where it should be.

You are not a hero, as you have discovered, keep watching....

Edited April 30, 2022 by Galyna