Figuring Out What Feels Right

[PepperBlossoms]

One thing I wanted to say was that when people are giving me their advice about someone else - I can't fully trust it.

Everything that they say is based on what I have told them about the person as they are not around the person.

The stuff they are complaining about that person could actually be a reflection of my own faults because I was projecting my own faults onto the other person when I would speak of them.

Kinda weird but makes sense.  Also it won't necessarily always be like this.  I just again don't really trust what anyone has to say because maybe I was giving a shitty explanation of things.

[PepperBlossoms]

https://www.ssmhealth.com/neurosciences/neuropsychology

I feel like I would get bored of neuropsychology - yes it is broad in itself but I feel like it is not BROAD ENOUGH.. 

I am starting to think doing my own writing - whether fiction/non-fiction/children's books/comedy/movie scripts/etc. is really all I may be interested in because I can make it as broad as I want

[PepperBlossoms]

https://www.jobhero.com/career-guides/interviews/prep/what-is-a-media-director#:~:text=Media Directors are the professionals,to get their jobs done.

a media director is doing advertising and marketing - which I don't really want to be pushing products

I guess if I made my own product, I would kinda have to do it - or not.  I don't like advertisements.

[PepperBlossoms]

Art Director/Creative Director:

http://www.verse-co.com/journal/2015/6/28/why-i-quit-my-job-as-a-creative-director

"The work was becoming too routine and I was doing more large scale projects that involved extensive usability testing, risk mitigation and limitations with legacy systems"

"but slowly the mundaness of work was chipping away at me and I was no longer excited."

"Creatively I wasn't growing anymore. If I had continued on my body of work wouldn't have been reflective of the type of work I wanted to be doing. I was engaged with more thinking, meetings and less 'creating' per se. So I bit the bullet and handed in my resignation"

" One thing is after 8 years of 9-6pm I realised that I just wasn't that productive. A lot of the time I could've completed tasks in a third of the time, if it wasn't for the extensive meetings and just trying to clock up enough hours."

" I now work half as much as when I worked for an agency and amazingly have managed to earn more. I'm now efficient as ever. So I have more time to read, spend time with my family and friends, my dog butters and go play tennis."

"It felt like unnecessarily we were all just trying to hit that magic 40 hour week and it was a very outdated and rigid structure built from some old world thinking."

I agree that the 40 hour work week isn't good for creativity and when companies are more focused on meetings/billing (which maybe they have to be), you won't get to spend as much time making creative stuff.  I think one could do something like this for a few years to earn some money and get experience and skills but that yeah they may get burnt out if the work is not the TYPE of work they want to be creatively doing.

It can be better to work for yourself so that you can PICK yourself (or hopefully more so) of the stuff you want to make.

I am not sure what all art directors/creative directors would make.

https://www.bls.gov/ooh/arts-and-design/art-directors.htm

"Art directors are responsible for the visual style and images in magazines, newspapers, product packaging, and movie and television productions."

I feel like that would be cool.  But I also think I could get bored of working with visual styles and images all day.

[PepperBlossoms]

Educational Psychology

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-educational-psychology-2795157#:~:text=Educational psychology involves the study,learn and retain new information.

Ah again I am feeling like I won't like this one either haha.

It is working with people and teaching them how to learn.

i feel like I personally need more of that.  I was thinking about school and how horrible it was in a way - like super dysfunctional.  The teacher is talking on and on and if you are seated in the back of the room (someone has to be back there) - it can be REALLY HARD to pay attention to the teacher - it can be easier to lose focus.  Also, there is like ALMOST NO interaction/engagement it seems.  The teacher talks and you are to listen/write what they say.  Well, that is kinda SUPER SAD because it is all this missed out time of just getting to actively EXPLORE ON YOUR OWN and BE CURIOUS about stuff and ASK QUESTIONS and INTERACT WITH YOUR PEERS.  It was mostly SIT QUIETLY and RAISE YOUR HAND when you have a question.  I can see why homeschooling would be more effective for possibly personally developing curiosity however one may then not get to develop interacting with peers if they are alone.  But the peer interaction ISN'T THAT GREAT at the school either.

"The three top-level domains he described were cognitive, affective, and psychomotor learning objectives."

"Educational psychology involves the study of how people learn, including teaching methods, instructional processes, and individual differences in learning. The goal is to understand how people learn and retain new information."

" social, emotional, and cognitive processes that are involved in learning throughout the entire lifespan."

(PAUSE>>> I feel like I have been sitting for too long and will have to start being more active - like stretching, walking, exercising.. the past few days/weeks have been super emotional for me and I was lying on the floor or sitting on the floor or lying in the bed for most of it.. doing lots of crying...<<<END PAUSE)

"he believed schools should focus on students rather than on subjects. He advocated active learning, arguing that hands-on experience was an important part of the process."

"Educational psychologists work with educators, administrators, teachers, and students to learn more about how to help people learn best. This often involves finding ways to identify students who may need extra help, developing programs for students who are struggling, and even creating new learning methods.

Many educational psychologists work with schools directly. Some are teachers or professors, while others work with teachers to try out new learning methods for their students and develop new course curricula. You may even become a counselor, helping students cope with learning barriers directly."

Part of me is like - well I don't want to tell teachers what/how to teach - I think they would get upset and would want to decide for themselves... 

I feel like the school/work system is a complete JOKE.  Like - how you have to have a bachelor's/master's/PhD for so many careers and there is the licensure too.  It kinda partly seems like a SCAM by the university system - thereby forcing you to take their curriculum.  But I can see that - oh well we want people who do this to be educated in it - it is just frustrating because you don't know if you will like it and have to GAMBLE (YES GAMBLE) all this time and money into something you HAVE NO CLUE if you will actually like....  Ha and they say gambling is illegal..

Ooookay

"The Constructivist Approach

One of the most recent learning theories, this perspective focuses on how we actively construct our knowledge of the world.5 Constructivism tends to account more for the social and cultural influences that impact how we learn.

Those who take the constructivist approach believe that what a person already knows is the biggest influence on how they learn new information. This means that new knowledge can only be added on to and understood in terms of existing knowledge.

This perspective is heavily influenced by the work of psychologist Lev Vygotsky, who proposed ideas such as the zone of proximal development and instructional scaffolding."

Yeah I agree with this - everything we are taking in is going to be in contrast to what we have ALREADY taken in and the stuff we have ALREADY taken in will definitely bias/impact the new stuff. SUPER WEIRD...

"Cognitive psychology aims to understand how people think, learn, remember, and process information."

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-zone-of-proximal-development-2796034

"A teacher in an experimental psychology course might initially provide scaffolding for students by coaching them through their experiments. Next, the teacher slowly removes the scaffolding by only providing brief descriptions of how to proceed. Finally, students would be expected to develop and carry out their experiments independently."

Wow - that method is a pretty good one.  I remember when one my Steel Design and Concrete Design professor was having us try to do stuff on our own, I felt like "I CAN'T DO THIS!!"  It felt too hard to figure out how to do it on my own.  I think the idea of easing people into it based on how much skill and awareness they have developed is a huge yes.

"Asking a student what they think should be done next, what their thought process was, or if there are other ways the problem can be solved"

"Asking students to use prior knowledge to better understand more complex topics"

"Using meta-cognitive online tools such as self-assessment of material and self-correcting to help students learn concepts4"

Wow these are some great suggestions.  I feel like yeah we are using prior knowledge to grasp future knowledge and we have to keep on re-assessing things to see if they seem to add up or not - like a self check mechanism that is FLUID for change.  Getting them to be more aware of their own thought process can be helpful too.  I guess I am not even sure of MY OWN THOUGHT PROCESS.  I think I just kinda JUMP AROUND and look at various things and then that gets me to start JUMPING AROUND again looking at more things.  Lots of jumping.  I don't like feeling stuck on the SAME THING for TOO LONG - which is why I think I am telling myself NO on MOST OF THESE careers.  But meh I may have to pick one.

I am still not feeling like I would enjoy teaching people how to learn... like it feels like it would get boring after maybe 1 day...

[PepperBlossoms]

It is between -5 and 5 degrees outside (if that gives you any hint...) Yay!!! or not haha

Umm wow it kinda seems like I would have hated like 99% of careers... so maybe I don't have to be so hard on myself about Civil Engineering.

or it seems like the ones I was suggested are really bad fits.  I am not sure how so many people are able to do their jobs!!!  I feel like the corporate business environment is THE WORST.  I liked remote better but still it was corporate and so it was A BIT BETTER but STILL BAD.

Yay.

[PepperBlossoms]

The bad part about careers is that people feel stuck doing one thing and aren't able to explore other things.  Look at the people who did all these different types of crafts and not just one?  That seems more fun I feel like. 

These are cool though...

https://www.amazon.com/Wild-Art-David-Carrier/dp/0714865672

https://mymodernmet.com/ocean-resin-wood-art/

https://www.goodshomedesign.com/15-amazing-interior-design-ideas-that-will-take-your-house-to-another-level/

Ah I love looking at this stuff.  It's WILD.

https://www.scoopwhoop.com/Strangest-houses-from-around-the-world/

I think the way our environment is shapes us - and when our homes all look the same - meh IDK it would be cool to have some funky rooms like this... 

 

Edited March 10, 2022 by PepperBlossoms

[PepperBlossoms]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBLdQ1a4-JI

Haha I don't know why but this is funny.  I typed in "ahhhh music"

[PepperBlossoms]

https://www.edmprod.com/why-most-music-producers-give-up/

"In fact, finishing music can make you increase the number of hours you put in, over time. It’s a feedback loop that benefits itself.

And don’t worry – you don’t have to sacrifice your high standards as a result. You actually achieve your standards faster by making such a large amount of music."

These are some really good points... I totally agree - the more we finish something or do something, the more happy we are to do it again and better the next time and faster too - MAYBE THAT IS ONE OF my PROBLEMS!  I have been rejecting SO MANY things and dragging my feet that I am not getting that feedback loop anymore.

"By focusing on finishing music, quality starts to come through quantity." YEP

"I kid you not, finished tracks are the result that inspires you to keep pushing forward even when you don’t feel like it." YEAH

"be patient

find constant inspiration

rest

simplify your goals" YE

"It’s important to enjoy the process, but the process itself should result in an outcome. Because outcomes drive the process forward – it’s hard to enjoy something when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel."

'it all comes down to enjoying the process."

 

 

[PepperBlossoms]

https://www.edmprod.com/why-most-music-producers-give-up/

That is a really good point.  To just make a deadline and finish it by then.  I guess maybe I need to do that... I feel like maybe music is different though and better for deadlines because you can keep on refining it and refining it; same with art pieces.  With writing.. umm well I guess it could be similar but it could also not.  Good point though for both MUSIC and ART - HAVE A DEADLINE cuz that gets you to work till that point and then stop and not just keep going forever.  That helped with my watercolor when I did that.

[PepperBlossoms]

Filmmaker burnout:

https://filmindustry.network/7-things-make-good-filmmakers-quit/31185

Ah yeah.. I can see I wouldn't want to necessarily be doing the same film for months on end...

Also the whole having to keep up with actors, casting directors, etc. - I wouldn't want to mess with that.........

 

https://www.looper.com/157171/directors-who-quit-before-the-movie-was-finished/

"About a year later, Wright was out the door, replaced by Peyton Reed. Wright cited the classic "creative differences," and it wasn't until a few years after Ant-Man was released that the filmmaker elaborated on his exit."

"Wright is used to being in total control of his films, which didn't totally gel with Marvel's methods. When asked about the behind-the-scenes drama, Wright told Variety's "Playback" podcast, "The most diplomatic answer is I wanted to make a Marvel movie, but I don't think they really wanted to make an Edgar Wright movie....I was the writer-director on it, and then they wanted to do a draft without me, and having written all my other movies, that's a tough thing to move forward."

"Many saw the potential in Ward's take, but Sigourney Weaver and the producers at Fox didn't like the script. According to Den of Geek, the Hollywood suits were especially troubled by the whole wooden planet angle. But Ward refused to change the film, so he quit instead."

"Miller reportedly clashed with Reynolds over the creative direction of Deadpool 2 and some key casting decisions. When executives sided with Reynolds, Miller decided to walk."

"Boyle has opened up about why he quit the film in the months after his split, and this time, it's a bit more in-depth than the catch-all "creative differences."  "Apparently, disagreements sprang up over a partnership Boyle has kept since his work on Shallow Grave." "I work in partnership with writers and I am not prepared to break it up....We were working very, very well, but they didn't want to go down that route with us. So we decided to part company."

"At the time of her departure, everybody cited "creative differences" as the reason she left the project."

Man it seems like just about all of these directors quit because of creative differences.  I can totally see how we each have our own vision for how we want something and if we don't get enough of that, we can feel like - well it is not going how I want so I am out of here.  That is another reason why working for a company is so hard because there will be so many different views and if you are not at the top, yours will most likely not matter/get utilized.  I can see it is easier if you are with a smaller crew - heck my Film Study class in high school had just 4 of us doing the filming and acting and we argued!  Only 4 people!  Everyone wants to have their own input.

[PepperBlossoms]

Ah I don't know.  Um meh.  I don't really want to go back to college/university... if I don't have to.

Ugh I am still really unsure..

[PepperBlossoms]

I feel like college/university is kinda a huge scam/waste of time.  Like - you have to pay ALL OF THIS MONEY to take the classes that the university wants you to take and you may even have to pay for APARTMENT/FOOD/PARKING whatever... when like - okay get real here - we pick what we are interested in looking at and a lot of the stuff in school we may gloss over and totally FORGET.  We memorize it for the test, take the test, and then it is over.  It IS NOT PRAGMATIC OR PRACTICAL AT ALL.  For CIVIL ENGINEERING - SCHOOL WAS B.S.  LIKE people go into the job with the college degree and you already know that they literally know absolutely nothing about the job.  You have to teach the new hires EVERYTHING.  Poor things - they end up feeling super stupid - well I did - because you don't know that college doesn't teach you s*** and so your boss/coworkers have to teach you and you don't know that that is INDUSTRY STANDARD/NORMAL and so you feel like a s*** for asking questions and don't want to but you look like a s*** for NOT asking questions but you didn't KNOW THAT!

yeah it is weird.  And we don't even know if we are going to like it either. So again - I don't really want to go give the school fairy thousands and thousands of dollars to tell me stuff and then just forget it and then have to figure it out when I get to the job.  IDK other majors could be different.  Civil Engineering - everything was forgotten.  Maybe that was a sign it was not for me though too so you could technically disregard quite a bit of what I said but I think some of it will still stand.

[PepperBlossoms]

Well I guess I have to add - like Civil Engineering is really really really really really broad and the school classes just can't or don't cover everything.  Also the work can be so different from one project to another.  School really just focuses on theory but that is maybe like 0.5% -5% of info for the job.  Basically in that career, you learn basically everything from your peers at work so if your workplace is toxic, your boss is scary, your boss is an a******, or whatever - it is not the best learning environment.  But I had no idea about any of that beforehand.

[PepperBlossoms]

I feel like one of my problems is I overreact to stuff.  But I have a hard time telling how much I am supposed to be reacting.

I feel like I over-react and then I dismiss it and then I am unsure of where I should land on the spectrum...

I think one thing though is that you kinda have to flow through stuff to figure it out and sometimes flowing means overreacting in order to consider all of these different variables and possibilities and when you have done that, you start to feel calmer and start to dismiss what you were feeling earlier and being like - oh wow I didn't have to be like that - but then it is like, well if I wasn't like that, then how would I have been?

I feel like I am a light switch that is either on or off - overreacting or dismissing.  I either reject stuff or I go in fully.  I don't have a good middle ground.

I guess that would come with more practice and experience.  I guess it is also hard to tell what the problem is - like is it me, is it the other person, is it out of our/my/your control, what is it, do we want to fix it, why/why not.

I feel the huge need to fix stuff - but ONLY SOMETIMES though.  I don't always have that need.

Like okay how do I know whether to believe you or to believe me?  I guess one thing that messed me up was I started to associate my dad as someone to just ignore - he criticized/shamed/picked on so much that I was just like - oh I will ignore that.  But that was a bad idea to just full blanket ignore because then I would do that to OTHER PEOPLE TOO and then I am thinking, I can't believe them, I can only believe me.

But then if it REALLY IS me and I am NOT DOING WHAT I NEED TO DO because I am so busy THINKING THAT IT IS YOU, then s*** I really put both me and you in a pickle and it really is all my fault.  But is it all my fault or is it your fault too?  Or did I start it and then you added to it?  Or what?

I just don't like it when stuff is not resolved.  I kinda selected at leaving it unresolved with one peer, but I really really don't want to leave it unresolved with another.  I really don't like that.

Edited March 10, 2022 by PepperBlossoms

[PepperBlossoms]

I think I need to come up with a better middle ground of assuming I am wrong and they are right and trying harder to see their side - like I can already see my side so why can't I just try to see theirs.  But again, I tend to reject other's views A LOT.

I think this is a hard thing for quite a bit of people.  But me especially.

I am really really slow to see the other person's perspective.  It doesn't come easily.  Like maybe I had to see mine for self love or something and just got used to that but at some point it hurts you and the other person to not see theirs too.

I feel like the damage I caused yesterday - I am not sure if it is irreversible - again is that thought overreacting or is that just right?  I don't know.  I guess as there are 1's and 0's, there is on and off and I am either great or horrible...?

I think again the fluoride caused some damage.  I was thinking about people's eyes and was wondering that it is not if they are sad or not but rather if there are toxins in their body.... I guess I am not sure how toxins would show up in the eyes but it was just a hunch.  If so many people are using fluoride toothpaste and are super depressed/bipolar/anxious - I wonder how much of that is literally just the toothpaste.... That would be really sad.

[PepperBlossoms]

How to figure out if you are the problem:

Notice what you are doing.  Get feedback from MULTIPLE DIFFERENT PEOPLE from different times of your life.  If there are multiple people from different times of your life that can confirm that yes you do do xyz or did do xyz then YES you have something that needs fixing.

It can be hard if you don't have that or if people are not honest with you.

Again that is just one method and I tried that one yesterday.

[PepperBlossoms]

@Migue Lonas shared this video and I watched the whole thing and it was super, super helpful!  I eventually started to take some notes and am just going to leave them here:

human nature to push the boundary
it might be messed up - if you hear that voice
fight the derp!!
where is the failure point The failure point is my derping, my freezing, my unwillingness to be present, my emotional triggers, my lack of knowledge, my lack of willing to try, my lack of belief in myself.  the more we do something, the more we can get results and the more we will believe in ourselves
i am the cause
stop the derping
dont waste time, dont waste a second
derpderpderp
get out of your realization you are in a derp state
garbage, crappy food, distractions
you get what you are, not what you want I have been exploring and so I got that but I will eventually need to start producing but I am still trying to work on a few things first
executers can do well
proactive control of my life
not stay in autopilot or path of least resistance
dont go into trance yes I need to get my focus stronger.  I think I let my attention span drop.  Need sunlight in room, eat vegetables, exercise.  one issue is that I am at risk of burning out if I go too too hard so I don't fully think the advice would totally work but it can still be tried
derper, executer, transcendent
break out of autopilot trance, out of derping, out of numbness, out of the system you are 
surrounded by, being numb is not fun, it is relief and coping - meditation can help, 
saying NO to the system that is designed to keep you in the derp state
do something heroic if you had lots of money
any failure you have is not your fault
wake up out of derp state and become executer
more about self soothing than about stepping up and getting the results
just wont do it
you know what you need to do but you wont do it
maybe because we didnt get to execute in school. we just sat there
fight the derp with great passion; derping will destroy your life
gratitude in life which is what they focus on

wanting to be numb, on autopilot
poor nutrition, poor sleep, too much junk media, attention depleted
degenerative role models
look someone in the eye, present in the moment, in the set I need to really work on this.  My eye contact has definitely been wandering
think as little as possible
be on autopilot
numbness, get high, tv, video games
it hurts them to think - thinking creates cortisol, we stack them and it burns us out and
makes us feel tired
do a lot of if, then statements in your brain
people want to stay away from thinking
successful people think they are dumb, broke people think they are smart
will show tribal affiliation even though they know it is wrong
not afraid of the cortisol, it is okay to have that in my brain
skepticism is a good thing, use your brain
make a conscious effort to assert yourself hmmm I guess speak your mind and stand up for yourself, do what you think, listen, be present, try
double and triple check to see if you are tricking yourself. write everything down I think there will be different ways to do this and I need to explore it some more **************** one method is to see your perspective, see theirs, ask others, try to get lots of perspectives and angles because you may no be thinking about something. i think also just having unawareness - but that will also come with experience.  i guess doing self checks to ask ourselves - how do I feel about this? and pay attention to that
do things outside your comfort zone
what else? could i be doing with my time
avg person has no clue of the opportunity cost they are burning like when they are wasting time doing things that do not add to their growth
get to the crux of what the value is. they dont mess around. do not waste time/thinking/actions
understand where the value is and go for it. the value is where we think we need to go, where we think potential is
complaining/gossiping/victim mode, getting numb. path of least resistance. burn your time energy focus emotional

complaining and talking crap and feeding yourself negative energy. I was definitely derping with all the complaining but I was trying to figure something out though so it may have been okay
using that to burn their time down so they cant accomplish anything

go right to best books, teachers, thoughts hence my use of actualized.org... I totally cut out all tv, reddit as that was a waste of time
what else???
audit of what can go wrong and prepare for it
 

Well that was cool.

 

Another thing that he mentioned was when people don't get all of the information and you have to have them repeat it back to you.  I used to be very guilty of this where someone would be talking to me and I would not think to be like, hey can you repeat that, and I would miss so much of the information and my face was basically deceptive because I was looking at them but I was not taking it in.  It can feel like, oh this is embarrassing, I don't want to have to stop you, do I look dumb, etc.  However, we could look more dumb for not knowing anything they are saying and then having nothing to respond with than we would just being upfront and saying, hey I dozed off for a moment, can you say that again, or hey I didn't get that part, what?

Edited March 11, 2022 by PepperBlossoms

[PepperBlossoms]

I think I freeze because I feel bad about my coping mechanisms.

I need to change my coping mechanisms.

Edited March 10, 2022 by PepperBlossoms

[PepperBlossoms]

Why did I start derping so bad?  Like when did this become a habit?

As the guy in the video had said, half of self help is self soothing and I was probably doing the self soothing option.

I have noticed that when I talk to many people, the level of the conversation is like a 3rd grade level.  When I talk to my peer, it feels like a PhD level - it is kinda like how there are easy books and hard books and the speaker said - you need to find the hardest books that you can find to read and read those and you may find yourself needing to take a nap because it is just so hard to read. Well I feel like when my friend is talking, sometimes I am wanting to yawn and I think it is the same thing.  I am having to put in so much effort on focusing to what they are saying and thinking of how to respond to it that I get tired and yawn - it is really hard work.  The conversations are really tough - I guess part of it is - the stuff my peer is talking about is stuff coming from their head and their head thinks quite differently from mine and has a bunch of material jam packed in each sentence. 

It can be hard to chose to be present constantly too.  I think choosing to show up, choosing to listen, it is tough but it can be rewarding when we do that and when we don't do that, we are denying ourselves of some information.  One thing about being present, I was talking with my peer about, is that it is kind of an odd saying because you could be present but focusing on your own thoughts, or present and focusing on the room, or present and focusing on the other person, etc.

I guess one has various levels of levelling up and to stop derping in the many ways that one is doing it can be another way to level up.  

With regards to being present, we also discussed how - oh well one can be present and playing video games or one can be present in doing the things they want to do to create things.

Another thing that I noticed was that many of the people in the videos I have been watching recently - none of them work for others.  They are all doing their own thing (at the time of the video).  There is the motivational guy who I just watched - he has his own thing.  There is the 14 Alps guy - he was doing his own thing.  There was the youtube guy - he was doing his own thing.  I think that to get to the level of vision, autonomy, and freedom, you have to be doing your own thing - you can't be doing it under someone else.  It was interesting with how the youtube guy would study other youtube videos to see what was successful and did this everyday for years and years and chatted all day with a group of other people doing the same thing and they would share their insights.  Having a group like that for your help can be huge.

I feel like I don't totally have the super passion for one specific thing but I do have a passion for exploring various ideas and sometimes doing that through writing.  His medium was film.  Writing seems to be the easiest for me because I don't have to use anything other than a computer, my hands, and my mind.  I am not sure if going with the easiest option is the best but it does seem to be what I am good at.  It was interesting how the youtube guy never really cared about school and thought he didn't want to listen to teachers reading off the textbook all day - that makes me go - oh well, my backup plan is currently teaching - is that still something I want a backup plan for?  if I did do teaching, I would need to put in some effort to decide what I was to teach, to who, and how.  I wouldn't want it to be something where the people I gave it to were not interested - or not necessarily.

Maybe I should make an effort to stop using the words "ummm", "hmmmm", "I guess", and "like".  That would be one step to sounding more mature in my writing.

I had reserved a spot to be in a virtual group therapy for today but I missed it and I feel bad because someone else could have had that spot.  I had not gone to it before and so I am not sure what it would have been like.

I am finding it weird in how we can think - oh I am not the problem, it is definitely the other person - when actually, no we could be a huge part of the problem and us being a derp and not acknowledging that and taking it seriously can then get others to be upset and we could be seeing them upset and think - this person is scary - but it could be that they think we are scary because we are not taking xyz seriously.

I am putting a note to myself to watch the derping video and the ask yourself how it feels video again in 1 year.  I added it to my calendar.  I think those 2 are really good for keeping one on track.

Staying on track can be helpful for change and potential - however, sometimes it can be good to not be on track and just trying new things too.

I feel bad about putting "I need more people to talk to" on facebook and lots of people responded and ah IDK um I guess I should not have put that - it is hard to know what rock bottom is, it is hard to know when there is a problem, it is hard to know how bad something actually is.  I think again yes I may overreact but yeah it is hard to know.  It is hard to know what to do about things, what to try, what to listen to.

It was interesting how the guy in the video, I need to get his actual name, said that successful people think they are dumb and broke people think they are smart.  I definitely used to think I was smart but am feeling dumber so maybe that is a good sign.  My back is kinda hurting - I need to get my posture better too.  That can probably impact how one thinks of oneself.

We don't really know what we want quite often - or at least I don't - we kinda jump around from saying - well maybe I want this - and then we go for it and we find out, "no that is not really what I want", and then we try something else and see if "yes this sounds like something I want" or "no I thought I needed/wanted this but I actually don't".

I am seeing how one reason we may not listen to other's suggestions is the same reason we may not listen to the therapist.  There are potentially infinite possibilities for how to think about something and how to take action on it and both the therapist and the friend are just giving a few of that potentially infinite possibilities and we are not them and so what is good for them may not be what is good for us.  Sometimes the thing that seems like the absolute worst option for them is actually the absolute best option for us and they may strongly advise us against something but again, they are not us, they do not know everything going on, we do not know everything going on, etc.  it is nice of others to give some suggestions but quite often, the suggestions may not be what is the best - but again sometimes it will.

I noticed that I am tensing up my body but it is also super cold in here.  Many of the windows were rolled up and it is really, really cold outside.  I think the house is making noise because of how cold it is and how much it is having to do to heat the house, especially with the windows covering down.  However, there are only a few more hours left of the night and I did not want to close all of them and make a bunch of noise doing that.  I think I sleep better downstairs than upstairs because there is too much noise that can be heard from up there while down here is more quiet and the room  is much, much smaller so it would be easier to heat when the door is closed and the window coverings are down.