Figuring Out What Feels Right

[PepperBlossoms]

I wasn't feeling good about my last self-actualization journal.  I had said things in there about others that I did not like having shared out in the open like that. 

So I decided to start another one.

One of the things I saw in a video that @Loba had on her journal was that we need to pay attention to what feels good and what does not feel good so I wanted to start with some thoughts on that.  Also it said that we may feel like we literally just have one step we can think of to do next and I feel like I am in the same boat.  I feel like I am in the boat of not knowing what to do in the long term and in the boat of trying to figure things out.

Okay well lets see - 

I think looking at other people's journals feels good because I am getting new perspectives and lots of it

I partly feel bad for hiding my last journals because then other people cannot learn from me.  But I was also feeling bad about some of the info I shared.  My therapist had said that you can have many things that feel bad and that you will want to weigh what feels less bad over what feels worse... so I guess I am still not sure about that.

Um I guess it feels good that I quit my job when I was uncomfortable with the impact it was having and uncomfortable with how my boss treated me.

One thing I can say though is that sometimes we prioritize feels good over feels bad when something that feels bad may actually be better for us - so maybe we have to see - okay well more of what is the long term effect of this feeling, not just the short term.

I guess I have also felt bad about saying things to others that was condescending, insulting.  I have felt bad about interrupting.  I have felt bad about talking for so much more than the other person and not pausing to let them thing.  I have felt good when I ask others questions and when we can go back and forth.  I have felt bad when I put things off.  I have felt good when I helped people with something.

I feel bad about trying to convert others over to my belief. 

I feel good about my attempts to learn more things.

I feel bad about shaming others for things I disagree with.

I feel good about having read some books and still wanting to do that.

I feel good about stretching, meditating, breathing, eating healthy.

I feel good about only being mad at my aunt's email for a few minutes and then stopping and being respectful in my reply.

I feel bad about posting some negative things on the forum.

I feel good about having the Motivation app because I feel like it is helping me to have more self love.

 

HMMM I guess part of me is feeling bad about hiding my last journal because then other people can't learn from it.  It is like I am trying to hide certain parts about me and part of me does not like that.  Maybe I need to just accept how I am and be okay with people seeing bad things.

I feel bad about calling my mom to try to fix things instead of trying to fix them myself.

I feel bad about talking about others with others instead of trying to work through it myself and work through it with the other person.

I guess I am not sure if this whole feel good/bad thing is the best way to go but it is an interesting theory to try out.

[PepperBlossoms]

I guess part of me is wondering if my notes should be in my own private blog and not on here.

A peer sent another email with more things but I was not angered at all this time.  I think I am improving and feel much better about that.

The article she provided did have some helpful things such as how cult leaders will tell you that the world will be a better place if everyone had their message - I am finding that many people have that attitude - but I can also see that when we so strongly believe in our ideas, we may naturally think that way.  I guess it could be helpful to note that, yes this person speaking has one perspective and that perspective may be helpful in many ways, but also note that there will be lots of nuances and other perspectives too and that that person is probably not going to have everything.

https://www.decision-making-confidence.com/characteristics-of-a-cult.html

That above was the article that she shared.

 

Um lets see, I guess again - I am not sure of how to feel when it comes to talking about other people.  I can see that talking about concepts, places, ideas - those are okay.  But when it comes to talking about people - that is a really sticky subject and I am not sure if I for instance should have even talked about my peer.  I changed the reference to peer to keep it as broad as possible.  There can be benefit to talking about others as there is so much to work on and explore when it comes to them.  It is also hard though because you do not want to hurt anyone's feelings or reputation and hence hurt your feelings and reputation too.

Sometimes we may feel like we have to because we are trying to figure things out.

[PepperBlossoms]

I can see that sometimes we have to do stuff that feels bad because in the long run it will feel good and I think I am still struggling with that.

[PepperBlossoms]

I kinda feel like I feel bad about some stuff.. or I feel like I am not sure if I feel good or bad about it.. so maybe this is something that will be helpful to think about more.

[PepperBlossoms]

I guess I am feeling like I don't want to make stuff public anymore.  I am not sure why.  I am feeling like I may be distracted or something by it.

[Esilda]

@PepperBlossoms Just got your PM girl.... Don't stress about making things public its your biz  thanks for the inspiration 

[Esilda]

@PepperBlossoms following ur lead now pepper u know this place better than I its been a while since I was here.... I'll wait a few days before I share anymore just to see what feels right. I learned something new recently by the way from a friend that's called Body Tuning, all i gotta do is simply breath into parts of my body i don't naturally feel then place my hand on those areas while breathing into them, it really centres me, so i do it for my chest, my back, my face, even my throat, it works trust me honey u try it . One of the ladies here needs ot do a journal that includes all the techniques like these we know so we can share it amongst each other!  . Love

[PepperBlossoms]

So I could totally change my mind but I realized that I don't like telling people what to do, what to think, or trying to convince them of my perspective.

So of the careers I was considering...

Doctor - tells people what to think as in - take this medicine, do this therapy, change your diet/movement

Writer - tells people what to think as in - focus on this, look at this perspective, consider this

Teacher - tells people what to think as in - learn this, memorize this, do it like this, pay attention, stop talking

Actor - tells people what to think as in - watch this, look at this, focus on this, look at me, laugh at this, cry at this

Therapist - tells people what to think as in - consider this, focus on this, think about this

I guess I don't like imposing on people.  I have found that when I did it in the past, I didn't like doing that.  I have some posts on the forum that I feel bad about and felt like I was imposing and am considering going through and hiding them.  I have felt bad when I tried to get someone else to change their mind and take my view.  I didn't feel good about doing it and often my opinion was not taken.  I don't necessarily like it when people do it to me either.  There are so many perspectives, nuances...

But I can see that I did greatly benefit sometimes from being told what to think/do/or how to direct my attention.  I just don't know if I would have the heart to do that.  I am more of the - oh well what do you think - kind of person than I am the - you need to do this because of xyz.

So the other one which my mom had suggested was software engineer.  Both of my brothers are doing that (I am a triplet)

I wouldn't have to interact with the client directly which could be nice if I am socially awkward.  I would get to work with other nerds which would be cool... I sat with the nerds in high school.  The salary would be good.  My brothers could help me quite a bit being they are both super experts at it.

IDK I could totally change my mind.  I noticed that the application deadline to the place one of my brother's went to is May 1st so there is still time to apply for this year which is cool.  Although I don't know if your chances are harder the longer you wait.

Um IDK I guess I am already on the computer almost all day anyway and I can read and type fast and it would be using some brain power which would be good for getting my brain going.  Math was always my best topic whenever we had to take those standardized tests -- although I did have to have my brothers help me figure math out but once I figured it out, I was fairly good.  I got a higher grade than my brother in differential equations even though he was the one teaching me.. we sat next to each other and studied together for the quizzes and exams.  

My brother was trying to teach me some stuff and I was like, oh this is cool, but I was also like, wow this is SUPER, SUPER mind intensive.. like it seemed way more mind intensive than Civil Engineering which is what I was doing.... I did feel like it did not seem like Civil Engineering had the smart people (I know that sounds super cocky but yes that is the feeling I had.. I was also bored of that career too).

It is super, super competitive though and both of my brothers had to go out of state to get a job (even though our state is freakin huge).  Um well IDK I guess it is just a thought but again I could change my mind because I have changed it constantly over and over and over again.

I would still be getting to come up with ideas I feel like which the ideaphoria would use.  And because everything is typed in the code, I could see what others are doing so that I don't feel so scared or whatever because everything is right there.

I guess I am not sure if I will get bored of doing code all day - that is my one concern.  I got bored of Civil Engineering but that is different.  Another issue is with deadlines which I really struggled with with Civil Engineering.  Plus another one is being at a desk all day looking at a computer which I did not like about Civil Engineering.

Yes every career will have things that I do not like.  Ah IDK again I could change my mind.  But the point of not liking to impose on people is actually a really big epiphany.

But I guess also if your parents never let you impose on them then you may not like doing it as you never had any practice.  But yeah again I don't like it when people try to force their views on me all the time.

I guess like - I had been posting quite a bit recently on Facebook of random motivational quotes I thought of and decided today I didn't like bombarding people's feeds with that and also that I didn't want to share that so I made all of them private.  

I don't really want to explore politics/religion/environment/scientific studies either so anything to do with that for a job I may really not care about.

Okay well whatever I will see if I change my mind or not. 

My brother had given me this website: w3schools.com

I guess one of my next steps would be to just look at that some more.  But I also really want to get through the Complex PTSD and Healing Shame books.

I had started writing a book about the dark side of Civil Engineering but realized that if I published it, all it would really do was either get hated on or get people to quit their jobs - like once you become conscious of everything involved and if it bothers you (or doesn't).

[PepperBlossoms]

But ah IDK part of me feels like I would get bored of it though and wouldn't care....

I guess I need to try out that website.

[PepperBlossoms]

I am already thinking this one is a no..

[PepperBlossoms]

Gosh I change my mind at light speed.  This is so embarrassing.  I just Idk I guess I'm really not that interested in math......

Umm okay hopefully no one read this haha. 

Maybe I should just work on imposing myself some more.

[Loba]

Which video was it?; also, I totally agree, your train of thought is similar to how I got my first awakening experiences, and you mention being INFP (me too!). 

I just kept writing without any fucks given as to what people thought and eventually "let go" because there wasn't any more to write about, and then I went into the fear of death, while looking at a beautiful picture, and showed appreciation and gratitude and humility and with these three things, God was just 'there'.  Like how Leo puts it, consciousness has a glow to it, an intelligence, you're on the right path, don't feel discouraged.  And if you step off of it, you can just get back on the horse the next day, no biggie.  

The journal section is very lax, you can literally write almost anything you like.

Plus your intuition is good, so you can do this for sure.  INFP/INTP have to write it out, it's a big part of how our functions work.  Literally just honest yourself through writing to truth, it totally works!

 

[PepperBlossoms]

Hey Loba! Wow that was a super cool video you just shared.  

The one I was referring to was this one (I watched the whole thing): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGahNhCYV3E&t=0s

I like what she says about trying to pay attention to how we feel about stuff.  I can see though that some stuff I felt bad about ended up later being helpful in ways I would have never guessed so I guess the method isn't going to be perfect but it is still a helpful general idea.

 

I was taking a look at some of the stuff you posted and I was pretty impressed.  Those videos were really cool too - like really artsy/edgy.  I thought it was cool how you would post your routine too.

 

Yeah that is a really good point to just not give a **** about what anyone thinks and just write stuff.  Yeah I had checked back and saw you were the same personality type on that one thread haha.  I had to re-take the 16 personalities test several times though because in the past I would get different results every time but this time I kept getting that same one.  Writing stuff out is pretty easy and yeah I guess we do just have to try to be as authentic as we can to try to pave the way forward with what we think would be best.

 

Oh thanks on the intuition wow.  I feel like it is still super, super hard to know what to do and I am so unsure of so many things but maybe that is okay.

[PepperBlossoms]

I was reading on quora about reasons why people hate software engineering and it was kinda reminding me of Civil Engineering - people doing it for the money, people overexaggerating about themselves and their team's capabilities (I really did not like that), people's stomach's getting bigger (from sitting at the computer all day duh!), people feeling stuck in the job because they already have a family (and don't want to have to start all over in another career), sitting in meetings, people staying there from early morning to late at night, people having a hard time getting raises  - basically the politics in Civil Engineering seems pretty similar to that of Software Engineering.  

I think I will keep looking.

But I know I can't reject everything.  I guess reading the reasons for why people hate something is a good start to see if you can tolerate those reasons because sometimes it is the hate part that gets you to leave rather than the love part that gets you to stay (Actually a lot of times).

[Loba]

@PepperBlossoms Oh my goodness, I love her SO much, she has such a big heart and offers some of the best advice.

Thanks Pepper! <3  I try to find videos that will be helpful for more than just me; there are so many lesser known teachers out there who have a lot of wisdom to share about life.

Posting the routine helps a lot - I get the tiny dopamine hit from getting to highlight what I got done green - I'm starting from the bottom up, so jsut the basics, but it's almost been a month and I feel like a whole new person.  Just from accomplishing and posting the routine.

INFP is a good type to have if you are spiritually intuitive because reality is feelings based, and so having fi-ne as the first two is a huge help when learning about spiritual things.  You could legit just write yourself into awakening as an INFP, that's what I had done.  The biggest help, though, is not to worry about what anyone thinks - and just go for it.  If it isn't a good post, there's always the delete option, too.  I use that sometimes if a blog post is not to my liking - I'll just throw it out.

INFP have to use what 'feels' right in order to grow, as we have the biggest perspective of the MBTI - Jesus was actually INFP, and so... it's hard to explain, but try it, just let go and feel through whatever you have to, to get to your heart, and the awakening will just happen spontaneously.

It is a great thing to be unsure and not to know because it means that there is so much more there.  And it's good stuff, too!  Do what feels best for you and it will unfold - my advice if you don't already do this - keep the same journal for at least one year, and then at the beginning of the year, go through it and you'll be amazed at how much you've grown.

I feel like, based on past experiences of waking up - that you are close to some good insights.  Keep going! <3

[PepperBlossoms]

@Loba I have had awakenings (I call them epiphanies) by writing too!  I heard JK Rowling say in an interview that she doesn't often know how she feels about a topic until she writes about it.  It is interesting because by writing, you think of more things and then as you write you think of more things.  It helps me to get my thoughts together.  I can get ideas by thinking too but not for too too long because I will find myself repeating the same idea over and over in my head to not forget it whereas if you write it, the worry about forgetting goes away for some weird reason even though I may not ever look back at what I wrote haha.

Yeah the hide button is nice.  Okay cool.

I would get dopamine hits by getting epiphanies.

Oh wow I didn't know Jesus was too haha.  I wonder how that was figured out. 

[PepperBlossoms]

https://www.onawakening.org/post/why-i-stopped-being-a-therapist

So I saw on this website the person wrote about why she stopped being a therapist.  She was enneagram 4.. which I am too!!  She said she had problems with how she could come up with ideas for what would help the patient but the problem is that there are like an infinite number of paths and she would just have some and she wasn't the patient.  I can totally totally see that that would be frustrating.  She also said that life has us all this unsureness and we aren't sure if we made the right decision and she didn't like getting money for basically teaching people to be more okay with the unsureness of life.  Every decision we make is an opportunity cost to something else.

I guess my career advisor had not suggested Mental Health therapist and there could be a good reason for it.  These are the suggestions I had gotten:

[PepperBlossoms]

Okay um well I divided the list.  Some of the stuff I put under maybe - I don't know what it is haha.

I don't want to do advertising/marketing to get people to buy products, I don't want to try to get people to vote for a certain way, I don't really want to paint/make music as therapy, umm okay.  Oh and I had to take several of those instructional video training courses for work and I hated all of them - that is related to the e-learning option.  I also don't like commercials/ads so I don't want to add to that industry.  Politician stuff is kinda annoying.

I guess with the maybes - lots of writing, psychology, art/film, and education stuff - which again I was considering stuff related to teaching, writing, psychology, and acting so it is still the same general area

Edited March 9, 2022 by PepperBlossoms

[PepperBlossoms]

Um okay yeah I am more of an introvert than an extrovert.  I can be crazy sometimes but the crazies will definitely out crazy me.  When I took a semester of classes in the Drama department at the community college, I was like one of the quietest ones haha.  Yes I do like to interlink knowledge from different areas and yes I get bored of technical data.  The lady had said that I would be bad with 3D stuff - but yeah I can see that I can be really bad with knowing what direction stuff is in relation to what direction I am facing - especially if the building is a weird shape or if we have done a lot of curving/zig-zagging.  I guess various engineering fields like mechanical/civil/chemical could have various 3D parts but that never really seemed to be a problem for the most part.

Okay so this one, the ideaphoria - that was one of my strong points.  I think I got a 99+% on the test.  The issue is this is really bad if you are doing something that is not creative and very boring/repetitive.  So the engineering for instance, was horrible for the ideaphoria - for me at least.  

It says to avoid research and analysis jobs - which that is kinda why I stopped writing my book.  I was doing research on global warming because I wanted to be somewhat knowledgeable and I got stuck on the research part and quit writing.  The problem is that if you don't know anything, you can't write.  So you will still have to spend time learning stuff but yeah it will have to be on what you are interested in.

The foresight - yeah that is what is making this whole process so darn hard is I am being so concerned as I don't want to hate it - I think that can also make decisions in general harder because you are not just thinking about now but the future too

I don't trust that it says that I have associative memory though.  I unfortunately kinda cheated on the test on the part that I think this was related to where I had lightly written some stuff down and then erased it.  That was really stupid of me because now I don't know if this one is accurate or not.  I don't think I am good at memorizing names of things.  That could impact some things.  Maybe I should ask the career counselor if the results change any if the associative memory is not a valid one... She hasn't replied to my first email yet.

The high design preference - I think that means to be good at coming up with designs which yeah I can do that.

Um okay so I don't see myself being a professional with music ha - I am not that good but I can do okay with just making stuff up and doing some vocals of going like ahhhh in a mysterious way if that makes any sense.  I am not good at singing words.  

Yeah I don't like being in the same place for the entire day and will move around.  That is a problem where a lot of jobs are desk jobs - like my last 3!!

Um with this one - it says I can read fast.  Sometimes I am really slow though...

I took this career/aptitude test thing like 10 years ago so I don't know if my results would be different but the test is also super expensive.

Um okay I don't know if this was helpful writing this stuff but whatever.  Um yeah.

 

[PepperBlossoms]

I feel like trying to pick a career is a whole career itself....

And then trying to get the career is a whole career itself...

And then trying to do and keep the career is a whole career itself...

Who has time for careers? haha

I feel like talking about careers is BORING.  I don't want to talk about careers.  Maybe that is why I haven't figured it out... because I haven't wanted to.  

The career advisor told me Civil Engineering was a HORRIBLE pick based on my aptitudes and I went with it AGAIN and only lasted 2 months.. she was right... but also the whole cutting the tree down thing I was just not able to do or rationalize.  She also said LAWYER would be HORRIBLE too - 

Ideaphoria is really bad for certain careers.  She said that people may get diagnosed as ADHD but really they just have ideaphoria and if they are not doing something creative, they will have the ADHD where they can't do it or will feel like they are going against a river current because the mind is not doing what it wants.

The list I got that I posted here is slightly different from the one I got 10 years ago but the lady that I had talked to recently disagreed with some of the suggestions that I got.

it is really cool that I was given film director as an option - I don't know how one becomes one though....