Why have I never had any desire for a relationship?

[ZenAlex]

I think I have schizoid personality disorder.

I have no desire for close relationships, and very little desire for sex and often none. I am healthy in shape guy. I have spent most of my adult life in solitude and never really cared.

I am just curious as to why this is personally. I wasn't the victim of a lot of abuse or anything. I just never really felt close to others.

When I left school at 17, I left all the friends I had, even the ones I new from 5 years old, and never really missed them that much. 

Since then whenever I've met anyone I thought was decent, no matter how vulnerable I allowed myself to be, no matter how much we had in common, my interest was never more than just stimulating conversation and fun activities, there was nothing beyond that, and one day I was just lose contact with them and not care at all.

I don't feel like friends, sex, relationships at all are necessary, and most people treat them as if they're the bread and butter of life. I don't understand.

Even though I have no real motivation to get close to people, I've made an effort to do so because I thought that this must be my fault and I'm not trying hard enough or being vulnerable or authentic enough, but I've tried this, and even though I've met girls and had sexually charged conversations and shared secrets etc etc... my interest in them is nothing beyond stimulating conversation, and then I lose interest in them.

I've hurt girls due to this as they liked me, but I realised after a while I didn't really care that much about them, they were just stimulating me.

I'm happy being alone for the most part, I don't feel that anything is missing, except complete understanding of why this is.

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like the perfect personality to be monk/mystic.

No desire, no problem. Hell is other people anyway.

[vizual]

I don't really understand it either. I only, sometimes, feel the pressure to get a girlfriend, get married, have children etc. because that's what you are 'supposed to do'. It's like when someone ask me if I am married or have a girlfriend, and I respond with a no, a lot of times I get the look of them asking what is wrong with me that I don't have a relationship. Or they downright ask; why don't you? That's always a bit of an awkward question, because I also never really had the desire or urge for relationships. Who knows, maybe that will change as I get older. But I feel like relationships are for the most part just wasting time, dealing with bullshit and nonsense, destractions, unnecessary drama etc.

I know a lot of people like drama in their lives, but I don't like it at all. I try to keep drama at the minimum.

[Vrubel]

@ZenAlex
I feel much the same, except I do have a need for sex and intimacy with a girl. But I just cannot care less about having friends or socializing.

To don't have those needs is very powerful! especially if you're into spirituality. but it also has drawbacks.

Having friends and connections have practical benefits like for example providing work/business opportunities but also security. for example, my family is taking in fleeing Ukrainians because they are our friends. 

The main connections that I have are my direct family. Apart from the love, which is, of course, the main thing, there are also immeasurable survival benefits that come with having a loving family. I really don't take them for granted.

So even though I don't have the need to make friends. I still need to make connections for my work and to get girls and there lies a weakness of mine.  

[NoSelfSelf]

Im the same im forcing myself to engage in social activities and it hurts my motivation to do pick up ? 

[Arthogaan]

What a beautiful configuration of a mind you chose to incarnate into. Give yourself a loving pat on the back for this. To be this self-sustainable. Do not ever feel bad about being that way.

[Loba]

@ZenAlex I like to be alone, too.  I love spending weeks by myself with barely any human contact - although I do need a little bit to be happy.
I would say, if you're happy and don't feel you're missing out on anything that there is nothing to worry about - don't feel abnormal.
I would still look into it and try to understand why you are that way because it's always helpful to know one's self and how they ended up being so anti-social, but it is great for doing spiritual work and if you are alone you'll have a lot of time to uncover who you are/work on hobbies/ect.

If I had it my way, I'd only date someone who was also into working on hobbies and just enjoyed spending time in silence, each working on their own thing only to come together at the beginning or end of the day to discuss things for a while.  I thrive on alone time and spending too much time with other people takes me off my path.

I get it.  Being alone is peaceful, predictable, you don't have to answer to people and you're not forced to change for anyone.  I always lose contact with people, too, most of my socialization is done online on my terms.

[kamwalker]

Do you still masturbate? 

[ZenAlex]

On 10/03/2022 at 1:22 AM, kamwalker said:

Do you still masturbate? 

Rarely. Like I've literally gone several months without orgasm and not felt the least bit frustrated.

[Yarco]

I would avoid trying to self-diagnose yourself with a mental disorder and turning that into an excuse, a crutch, or a center point of your personality. 

If you really want to find out, I would go see a psychiatrist or psychologist to get formally diagnosed.

Maybe you are schizoid. But also maybe you're autistic, or just asexual. Maybe you're just on the extreme low end of what's normal for empathy. Or you're just an introvert. Or it's social anxiety masquerading as a lack of interest in socializing.

You probably know yourself better than anybody. So if you can't figure it out, strangers on a forum probably aren't going to be very effective either. Get a professional to help figure it out. Especially if the idea has been bothering you for a while or it's something you think about a lot, as opposed to just a passing curiosity.

Once you have a formal diagnosis then a therapist can help you put together a treatment plan, if you'd like to develop closer relationships. Or help treat associated conditions like anxiety or depression.

Edited March 11, 2022 by Yarco

[Preety_India]

It's not that uncommon to have the desires(or the lack) and the inclinations that you have. It will certainly help you on your path of spirituality. Be true to who you are and don't care about how the world judges you. Only you can decide how your life has to be. 

 

[Shawn Philips]

I've also "made an effort" to socialize when I didnt wanted, just because society, my family, school and psychologists told me... because "you are not normal", people need to socialize... you need to have a girlfiend like everybody else!

Guess what? No matter how much effort to put into CHANGE yourself... you always come back to your homeostasis and default state.

[Arcangelo]

23 hours ago, Shawn Philips said:

No matter how much effort to put into CHANGE yourself... you always come back to your homeostasis and default state.

I agree.

 

[Yarco]

On 3/12/2022 at 1:50 PM, Shawn Philips said:

I've also "made an effort" to socialize when I didnt wanted

Guess what? No matter how much effort to put into CHANGE yourself... you always come back to your homeostasis and default state.

How much effort did you really put in? How many people did you talk to? How many months did you try for?

Just change your default state, EZ. It takes time though.

Some people turn their life around, lose 100+ lbs and keep it off for the rest of their life. Some people stop smoking weed all day and go on to be productive members of society for the rest of their life. Lots of people don't go back to their previous state. That alone disproves your theory.

[ZenAlex]

@Yarco @Arcangelo @Shawn Philips If by default state you mean your motivation eventually wears off, and old habits can start to creep in, then sure, but wise people can learn discipline to keep themselves going even when they don't feel like it.

Self improvement can stick.