How do I come off as non-needy?

[integration journey]

I have been noticing  myself having people pleasing tendencies which relate to my shadow.. 

I love approaching but it feels like I need or want something from her that I don't currently have. I hate that feeling 

I have a lot of joy inside my heart and would love to share that with someone though, that is why I want to have a relationship.

Any tips on coming off as non needy with her?

Thanks!

 

[Preety_India]

Don't crave her company constantly. Don't ask too many questions. Don't put her on a pedestal. Be reasonable with your expectations. Don't get treated like a sucker/doormat. Take time for yourself when needed. Have other goals and passions in life. 

 

[Cathal]

@integration journey You're naturally seeking what you believe you lack reptilian brain activated, there's nothing wrong with that. It is just understanding what is causing it you know, what is this part of you trying to find truly? If you can really understand it, you can just allow it to happen in the backround - as you keep doing that with women, I think it will naturally fade away, it kind of happens like this for me.

I'm so aware of this part of me for a long time, that there seemed to be nothing I could do except just let it be and it died down as I noticed in the situation and realized for myself the women couldn't really give me what I was looking for as I met them, I was attached to a belief that they could fulfill this lack inside of me from years ago that was actually just an emotional pain I created a belief around many years ago

Just be understanding of yourself, you can observe this part of you and still interact, when you really really really understand yourself you will just let it happen and continue coming from a place of understanding instead of where your emotional attachments want to take you. But I would say maybe you can reflect on what is this need you have truly is, where is really coming from, does it feel like you need someone to complete you like there is a deep lack within yourself or is it just a need to companionship and having a laugh with a like minded person?

I think as long as you realize for yourself no one can really fulfill your needs, then relationships become a lot more nice and smooth! returning to the pains of the inner child and letting go of them, the grasp of needing others dies down

[flowboy]

3 hours ago, integration journey said:

I have been noticing  myself having people pleasing tendencies which relate to my shadow.. 

I love approaching but it feels like I need or want something from her that I don't currently have. I hate that feeling 

I have a lot of joy inside my heart and would love to share that with someone though, that is why I want to have a relationship.

Any tips on coming off as non needy with her?

Thanks!

 

@integration journey You can teach yourself to not act in a needy way, but that's a whole lot of trouble you will put yourself through.

And a lot of conditioning you will have to unlearn later.

Because the blockages and filters you create on your self-expression, in order to come off non-needy, will come back to bite you at some point.

Then you have to undo that conditioning you created later, when you are actually non-needy and need your freedom of expression back.

Having learnt all these constraints on your communication is only going to make you neurotic in the long run. I'm speaking from experience.

The more low-effort way is to actually be non-needy!

This is by doing shadow work, you already referred to your shadow.

How I would do that with someone is:

1. Take a recent memory of approaching someone
2. Cut out the part where you felt that need strongly
3. Replay it over and over until the body sensation becomes apparent
4. Then ask questions to the body sensation, until you enter a dialogue where it becomes clear which part of you it is, and where in time it is stuck, and what it needs
5. Then heal it by giving it what it needs

You can do that on your own, won't take you more than 2 hours, and your next approach will feel a lot different already.

I have an instruction video on this, but you can use whatever process works for you best.

 

[NoSelfSelf]

If you wanna fake it best way is when you talk to her you say things that make you feel good not her, coming to her not to do something to get her approval, rather you come there to offer something about yourself (giving something rather than taking its an energy).. example like: hey! you seem interesting do you know what crazy happend to me..insert something some story...(just an example)

And to really not be needy its an inner work you do with action you dont wait to become non needy...

[ZenAlex]

It's say you need to sort your own shit out and have other goals in life rather than treating a relationship with her as if it's all you have.

[Leo Gura]

@integration journey You're just going to be needy until you get laid a lot.

The best solution in the meantime is to be talking to lots of girls, so you don't get clingy with any one.

The real solution to neediness is getting results.

[Karmadhi]

13 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You're just going to be needy until you get laid a lot.

How do you deal with love neediness rather than sex neediness.

I do not care about sex much but i care a lot about a girl geniounly wanted to be with me, feeling desired, wanted etc.

 

[Leo Gura]

28 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

How do you deal with love neediness rather than sex neediness.

I do not care about sex much but i care a lot about a girl geniounly wanted to be with me, feeling desired, wanted etc.

Love is a subset of sex in this case.

You're not going to get love from a girl without sex. But you will get sex without love.

[Karmadhi]

3 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Love is a subset of sex in this case.

You're not going to get love from a girl without sex. But you will get sex without love.

Yes but sex is not what i really want. I could use it as a tool to get to what i want, but i am not needy for sex.

The mechanics are the same as if i was needy for sex?

By results here it would mean a lot of girls wanting me to be their bf, if i gotta fuck them first then so be it.

[Leo Gura]

@Karmadhi No one is gonna want to be your gf until you sleep with them.

If you sleep with 10 girls, maybe 2-4 will want to be your gf. So sleep away.

[Karmadhi]

10 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

If you sleep with 10 girls, maybe 2-4 will want to be your gf. So sleep away.

Most of my friends have slept with basically the same number of girls they have been in relationships with. How is that possible?

I am always talking about normal typical dating, not pick up.

So not the paradigm where you do pick up in clubs and talk with a lot of girls and do one night lays and stuff. I am talking about "normie" dating which is like 95 percent of all dating. 

It would be unfair to talk pick up dating which is a very small percentage of all dating.

Edited March 10, 2022 by Karmadhi

[Leo Gura]

35 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

Most of my friends have slept with basically the same number of girls they have been in relationships with. How is that possible?

I am always talking about normal typical dating, not pick up.

So not the paradigm where you do pick up in clubs and talk with a lot of girls and do one night lays and stuff. I am talking about "normie" dating which is like 95 percent of all dating. 

It would be unfair to talk pick up dating which is a very small percentage of all dating.

Of course normal dating will yield more relationships. But also normal dating is very low volume. You get a date once in a blue moon.

If you want to do normie dating, go ahead. But you will be in such scarcity, so needy, and the quality of girls you get will be meh, and when your girl breaks up with you, you will want to kill yourself because you know you will not get a new one for years.

It also depends on how social you are. If you're highly social without doing pickup, then you will naturally have decent dating opportunities. But most guys are not that social so they are screwed.

You have to decide how much abundance you want in your life. Most guys sleep with less than 10 girls in their entire life and the quality is meh. You also have to decide how high of quality of girl you want. If your standards are very low then you can be much more lazy about this whole thing.

It's also a question of how good do you want to be with girls? How much do you want to grow yourself as a man? Normal dating doesn't really grow you because it's too infrequent and random.

Your neediness for a girl's love will turn off most girls and make them run away from you towards a guy who doesn't give a shit. So even those few girls you manage to date once in a blue moon, they will likely lose attraction for you and break your heart because you're going to be the biggest classic "nice guy".

[actuallyenlightened]

 

22 hours ago, flowboy said:

@integration journey You can teach yourself to not act in a needy way, but that's a whole lot of trouble you will put yourself through.

And a lot of conditioning you will have to unlearn later.

Because the blockages and filters you create on your self-expression, in order to come off non-needy, will come back to bite you at some point.

Then you have to undo that conditioning you created later, when you are actually non-needy and need your freedom of expression back.

Having learnt all these constraints on your communication is only going to make you neurotic in the long run. I'm speaking from experience.

The more low-effort way is to actually be non-needy!

This is by doing shadow work, you already referred to your shadow.

How I would do that with someone is:

1. Take a recent memory of approaching someone
2. Cut out the part where you felt that need strongly
3. Replay it over and over until the body sensation becomes apparent
4. Then ask questions to the body sensation, until you enter a dialogue where it becomes clear which part of you it is, and where in time it is stuck, and what it needs
5. Then heal it by giving it what it needs

You can do that on your own, won't take you more than 2 hours, and your next approach will feel a lot different already.

I have an instruction video on this, but you can use whatever process works for you best.

 

Seconded, this work directly processes parts of your subconscious and makes lasting changes. 

Personally, I go in with the intention of gently reasserting my will over my psyche, since every part of your subconscious was created by yourself in the past, and that your intent can be applied to make whatever change that you see fit.

So it works by diving into body sensations, bringing up memories along the way if possible, and through an uncomfortable process understanding your shadow side yet disagreeing - i.e. 'My emotions tell me that this is the case but that is simply false because logically I know that...' and hold that frame until you feel relief. 

Just be aware that by following any of these approaches, you can stumble upon very strong emotions that you've been suppressing for years. They are the key to making your life exponentially better but require a high level of mental fortitude to safety work out.

[PurpleTree]

On 9.3.2022 at 1:01 PM, Leo Gura said:

@integration journey You're just going to be needy until you get laid a lot.

The best solution in the meantime is to be talking to lots of girls, so you don't get clingy with any one.

The real solution to neediness is getting results.

yea it's very hard to fake it (until you make it)

i'm often needy, not clingy though

[Roy]

On 3/9/2022 at 6:54 PM, Leo Gura said:

Your neediness for a girl's love will turn off most girls and make them run away from you towards a guy who doesn't give a shit. So even those few girls you manage to date once in a blue moon, they will likely lose attraction for you and break your heart because you're going to be the biggest classic "nice guy".

I know you're painting a raw and brutal picture to encourage him to do a ton of work, but things aren't that pessimistic. A lot of girls have neediness in them too and aren't all actualized, not even close actually. They want boyfriends just as much as guys want girlfriends. In fact I'd argue on average girls are more needy than guys because they seem to avoid long periods of downtime between relationships like it's the plague. Girls need a constant social life in place.

I just think the threshold of work you have to do to get good results isn't that crazily high, and it can be off-putting to make it seem that way to someone who might be just starting their journey. I would agree there is a mountain to climb if you want the "9s and 10s" though.

[Esilda]

@integration journey my bf and I r on a break. I wish he was more needy.

[Jacob Morres]

 

On 3/9/2022 at 9:54 PM, Leo Gura said:

Your neediness for a girl's love will turn off most girls and make them run away from you towards a guy who doesn't give a shit. So even those few girls you manage to date once in a blue moon, they will likely lose attraction for you and break your heart because you're going to be the biggest classic "nice guy".

RIP 

Edited March 12, 2022 by Jacob Morres

[Karmadhi]

On 3/12/2022 at 4:08 PM, Roy said:

I know you're painting a raw and brutal picture to encourage him to do a ton of work, but things aren't that pessimistic. A lot of girls have neediness in them too and aren't all actualized, not even close actually. They want boyfriends just as much as guys want girlfriends. In fact I'd argue on average girls are more needy than guys because they seem to avoid long periods of downtime between relationships like it's the plague. Girls need a constant social life in place.

I just think the threshold of work you have to do to get good results isn't that crazily high, and it can be off-putting to make it seem that way to someone who might be just starting their journey. I would agree there is a mountain to climb if you want the "9s and 10s" though.

I have noticed that Leo always makes the assumption that we are going for proper hot girls (8/10 in looks or higher) and everything he says is quite correct in that case, especially if you are not a famous or super good looking guy (by default, most of us will not be).

However, most guys do not really care about that. Leo says it himself that most guys, even his wings have quite low standards and at the same time assumes we are going for proper hot girls. Quite paradoxical imo. There is nothing wrong per say for wanting a proper hot girl nor is there anything wrong with being content with a decent looking girl. Just depends on personal goals.

Just like there is nothing wrong with just wanting to be slightly muscular versus wanting to be on the top 10 percent physique wise. Imagine if you came up to me asking me how to be in good shape, and i tell you "you need to train 4 times per week for 10 years and eat a perfectly clean diet". Yes, if you want to look like a great god then yes. However i asked you how to be on decent shape, not how to be a greek god. Hope you get the logic.

Same logic for everything in life, everyone has different standards and goals.

Considering that most of these threads and comments are made by guys that struggle with this area of their life, i doubt they really want 8s and shit, so the advice should be tailored for a more "normie" girl.

Edited March 15, 2022 by Karmadhi

[GroovyGuru]

@Leo Gura

On 3/9/2022 at 7:01 AM, Leo Gura said:

@integration journey You're just going to be needy until you get laid a lot.

The best solution in the meantime is to be talking to lots of girls, so you don't get clingy with any one.

The real solution to neediness is getting results.

Are you sure about this Leo? I see where you are coming from, but I personally feel non-needy for a different reason. It's important to note that I'm partly speculating because until I start getting more experience with women, I actually can't perfectly predict how needy or non-needy I will be.

However, at this point, I have been alone for so long that it is completely normal and all I really know. I literally don't know anything else (by alone I strictly mean romantically, I have tons of friends). I have learned to keep myself busy and find pleasure in activites that don't involve dating. So, I sort of feel that if a girl stops texting me, or blows me off, or doesn't want to be with me, then just oh well. Back to normal. Who gives a fuck. If anyting, I feel I may have the opposite problem of being needy. Often I'm way too aloof and cold, and don't always demonstrate interest.

Am i being naive here? Do you think when I start getting more involved in dating I'll perhaps get a sense of what I've been missing all my life and become attached? I know you can't really answer without knowing me, but I'm just curious if you have something to say given your personal experience.