Need Your Help How Do I Detach From Caring Whether I'm Good Looking Or Not

[heisenburger]

Hi, throughout my childhood when I was very young I was bullied for my looks which made me insecure. I used to always think that if I was good looking I would be happy, now I'm seventeen years old and after puberty I now love how I look. The problem is it's not fullfilling, now that I think I'm attractive I'm scared of losing it whether it be getting older and getting wrinkles or getting fat or going bald.

After seeing both sides I now realise valuing looks similar to other things like valuing approval is a trap. Even at a stage where I objectively see myself as good looking I still suffer emotionally for fear of losing it. I want to detach from it completely.

When I didn't have good looks I felt bad and now when I do have them I still feel bad because im worried of losing them. How do I detach completely from this value of needing to be good looking. It's at the point where I just don't want to give a fuck. Is there a way to do this? . It's especially difficult when I've been programmed through commercials society etc to care about looks. How do I make it so

1: I don't care whether or not people find me attractive.

2: I don't care whether or not I perceive myself as attractive. 

 

 

 

[faith]

Maybe you shouldn't detach. Maybe you should enjoy your looks while you have them because, you're right, someday you will go bald or fat or something else will come along, and someday (far, far in the future) you're going to get sick and die. 

It's important to understand the impermanence of life and that everything is here just for a fleeting moment, but that doesn't necessarily mean you can't enjoy what you have in front of you. Nothing is black and white, and you must learn to find peace in the paradox of life - "Ah, I have good looks, but I won't have them forever, I understand that, but it doesn't mean I can't enjoy the gifts I was born with" 

I think you don't have a healthy understanding of your body because, it's true, society puts a lot of pressure on appearance. I think you shouldn't worry too much about what society thinks, and more so start building a healthier perception of your appearance and your body. For that, I would recommend doing meditation. In fact, do meditation naked. Walk around your house naked. Look in the mirror naked without judging what you see. 

So try to enjoy. Feel the youth and vibrancy of life. Feel how your skin is smooth and attractive. BUT don't become swayed by thoughts such as "Wow, I am so pretty, most people are not on my level" Just enjoy it without labelling or judgment.

That's it my friend. All the best on your adventure. You're very smart if you're thinking about these things at 17. You'll be great

[FindingPeace]

What is the definition of 'good looking' and 'bad looking' and who wrote it? You just are what you are and you look the way that you look. However you look, there are people who will like it, and the are people who wont. That is the same for everyone. So who are you trying to please? There are already people who like how you look, and probably did when you yourself didn't.

In any case, the only person that needs to be accepting of your body shape, is you. Get that down and it won't matter what you think that anyone else thinks. This, incidentally, is what is really going on. It's not that other people do or don't like how you look, it's about you projecting how you think you look on to others. How you think that they see you, not how they really see you.

Ultimately, how you look isn't so important as how you are as a person from inside. It is personality that is attractive to people, moreso than physical appearance. And strangely, physical attractiveness can be a function of personality. People can be seen as more physically attractive when they have an attractive personality. And a good way to become more attrative is to gain self-confidence and self-acceptance. This alone will make a huge difference to how you see yourself and how others will see you.

How do you do all this? Stop evaluating yourself against some arbitrary 'specification'. And be ok with whatever is. However you are, be ok with it. Stop judging and criticising it. And also stop judging and criticising others. Because anything you judge in other people is someothing you will judge in yourself. Be more accepting of reality, and less critical and judgmental of it. Allow things to be as you find them.

The purpose of life is not to go around evaluating everything and everyone and labelling things as 'good' or 'bad'. It's to be accepting and ok with whatever is, as it is.

Also, realise that there is no such thing as 'good' or 'bad'. These are purely subjective manifestations of your self-agenda. The ego labels things that serve it as 'good' and things that serve against it as 'bad'.

 

[the dream]

"After puberty" at 17 is relative. Your body will still develop untill you're 25, but the changes will become more and more subtle. You are still in the aftermath of a rather aggressive physical change. Also people only really care about your physical appearance as much as you care. Caring too much about what people think of your or how they perceive you is a game you can only lose. Be at peace with what is.

[Marinus]

@heisenburger 

I myself am 20, when I was 17 myself I had the same mindset about my appearance. Until I was 13 I had this red birthmark on my face, this was of course a great subject for kids to bully me with. My mindset changed, my body is a gift though it might not be perfect, it still works good enough to do stuff. If you focus to much on the things you don't like about yourself than it will become brighter to you and you will always watch at the things you don't like in the mirror.

In my experience, if you don't love the way you look, you will also look at the flaws of other people their appearance. If you can relate, then what happens if you talk with someone? You will look through the appearance and see the beautifull inide of everone!

On 20-1-2017 at 2:06 AM, heisenburger said:

1: I don't care whether or not people find me attractive.

2: I don't care whether or not I perceive myself as attractive.

The first thing is not the real problem, it is only caused by the second. You don't want to percieve yourself as attractive? There is more than the eye can see, appreciate the things you like! One thing that helped me is to think positive about myself, even while I think I don't like it. Something that helped me with appreciating my appearance was watching my naked body in the mirror and loving everything I saw. Something I did what also had influence was sleeping naked, you will feel free that way. The more times I am naked, the more I love my body!

I hope this helps, when you are able to do this, you will be proud of yourself!