It feels like the thrill of the chase is over

[something_else]

I’ve been going out partying, clubbing, just generally socialising a bunch for the past like 6-7 months

I don’t really want to say I was ‘doing pickup’ because I’m not really a fan of the connotations, but I was definitely trying to get better with girls and talked to a whole bunch

I enjoyed it, I don’t want to stop. Playing the field, whatever you want to call it, it’s exhilarating and it’s very different to how I’ve lived my life for the first 21 years (shy, barely socialising etc.)

However I’ve now met a girl that I am kinda interested in having a relationship with. She’s cute, great in bed, quite similar in personality to me. Also quite shy in a cute way. Fun to be around. She clearly wants a relationship, not something casual

But I’m not at the stage of my life where I wanna like settle down or anything. And part of me definitely feels like getting into a relationship would be an easy way to avoid the challenges and fears of socialising, I’m slightly worried that’s why I feel like I want to try one out here

But I do also want some more experience in actual relationships too

I suppose my big question is whether it’s disrespectful or cruel to get into a relationship with someone knowing that I am most likely gonna leave it in the future

Would appreciate any comments or advice, thanks!

[Matthew85]

You sound somewhat confused or conflicted about what you want. It you like this girl, date her. You are both still very young and shouldn't really be thinking about settling down yet. You are overthinking the situation. Just explore it and see how it unfolds. 

[aurum]

@something_else

Really common dilemma for guys getting into this.

Sounds to me like what you want is to continue playing the field a while, beef up your social skills, get some fun single experiences under your belt, and then settle down with a girl you really like.

If that is what you want, you may have to let this girl go. It will hurt, but you two want different things. You can’t do everything at once.

3 hours ago, something_else said:

And part of me definitely feels like getting into a relationship would be an easy way to avoid the challenges and fears of socialising, I’m slightly worried that’s why I feel like I want to try one out here

 

Possibly. But also, don’t think getting into a relationship is suddenly going to put things on easy mode for you. Long term relationships have plenty of their own challenges. And you still will have opportunities to work on your social skills, just in a different way.

3 hours ago, something_else said:

I suppose my big question is whether it’s disrespectful or cruel to get into a relationship with someone knowing that I am most likely gonna leave it in the future

I wouldn’t do it if you feel like you can’t commit to it.

But there’s also no guarantee that even if you get in this relationship that it will last forever. People break up all the time. Some relationships are meant to be short.

3 hours ago, something_else said:

Would appreciate any comments or advice, thanks!

Bottom line: do some soul searching and figure out what is most important to you. What is your highest priority?

[Preety_India]

I don't think that you really love this girl. 

If she genuinely loves you, then be honest with her, that is all.. 

[something_else]

15 minutes ago, aurum said:

If that is what you want, you may have to let this girl go. It will hurt, but you two want different things. You can’t do everything at once

Yea, I think that is unfortunately the case. My gut instinct is to see how it goes for a bit rather than making a decision now. I’m certainly enjoying it for the time being. If she gets very serious then I think it would be immoral of me not to break it off, though

 

18 minutes ago, aurum said:

Possibly. But also, don’t think getting into a relationship is suddenly going to put things on easy mode for you

Meh, I was in quite a long relationship (for my age anyway) for about 2.5 years and I found the whole process quite natural. Where I really struggle is meeting new people, that’s as far as can be for natural to me and so it feels like I should practice that more

Thank you for the advice, it’s nice to know this is a common issue 

18 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I don't think that you really love this girl. 

If she genuinely loves you, then be honest with her, that is all.. 

Lol I met her a month ago, let’s hit the breaks on the love talk for now

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, something_else said:

Lol I met her a month ago, let’s hit the breaks on the love talk for now

I personally detest this attitude. But whatever floats your boat. 

You're from Venus. I'm from Jupiter. 

Have a good day. 

 

[something_else]

19 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I personally detest this attitude. But whatever floats your boat. 

You're from Venus. I'm from Jupiter. 

Have a good day. 

 

Each to their own

I know for certain if I told her I loved her now she’d run for the hills, and vice versa. It’s more of an interest and curiosity in each other that merits some exploring

Humans escalate things over time. We don’t like things to go from 0 - 100 super quick. That’s too much change for us to handle

Edited March 7, 2022 by something_else

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, something_else said:

I know for certain if I told her I loved her now she’d run for the hills

I won't wait a month for a guy to tell me that he loves me. I would already move to the next, I don't wait for bread crumbs. 

Again this is personal so don't take it personal. 

[something_else]

5 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I won't wait a month for a guy to tell me that he loves me. I would already move to the next, I don't wait for bread crumbs. 

Again this is personal so don't take it personal. 

I can’t even imagine having that attitude. I’m assuming it’s a cultural difference 

Where I live that would attract you only the neediest of needy men or total psychopaths who’d say anything to get in your pants 

[Preety_India]

29 minutes ago, something_else said:

I can’t even imagine having that attitude. I’m assuming it’s a cultural difference 

Where I live that would attract you only the neediest of needy men or total psychopaths who’d say anything to get in your pants 

Only in an unhealthy society full of psychopaths. Thankfully my society is not so unhealthy where guys are only trying to get into pants. They genuinely mean to express love. People find it hard to believe that love exists when they don't receive enough love in their life. Then everything, even an innocent gesture looks toxic to them. Kinda feel sorry for such people and their toxic culture. Maybe they will see the good side of humanity some day. 

(personally I would find it abusive if a guy made me wait a month to tell me that he loves me. Even if he did tell me that he loves me after a month, I'll simply walk out on him feeling miserable. I want and need someone who deeply wants me. Only me. And I don't look at this as neediness. Maybe in your culture it's called neediness, in my culture it's called love.) 

 

Edited March 7, 2022 by Preety_India

[something_else]

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Only in an unhealthy society full of psychopaths

I was exaggerating. The point is that with that attitude I would be worried that it would attract guys who say whatever it takes to get into a girls pants

They’re either manipulative, very needy or both

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Thankfully my society is not so unhealthy where guys are only trying to get into pants

Oh you sweet summer child 

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

People find it hard to believe that love exists when they don't receive enough love in their life

I believe in love. I just don’t believe you can know that you love someone after a month. You barely even know their personality after a month, let alone whether you deeply love them

 

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

personally I would find it abusive if a guy made me wait a month to tell me that he loves me. Even if he did tell me that he loves me after a month, I'll simply walk out on him feeling miserable

This doesn’t seem healthy to me. Maybe it is cultural difference, idk. Is it expected for guys in India profess love after a few dates? Jeez

Anyway, I don’t really wanna take this too far off topic. I’m not gonna tell this girl I love her

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, something_else said:

Is it expected for guys in India profess love after a few dates? Jeez

Nobody is expecting them to do it. They love to do it themselves. Guess they are more generous.