Solving my Midlife Crisis

[trenton]

Today was interesting.

I am noticing more and more how badly sugar years up my brain for chess.  My family is still giving me candy for holidays and I don't want it anymore.  I took my Easter candy and gave it away to a random kid near a park. 

I told him that I had a bunch of candy in my backpack but it made me sick to my stomach.  I asked him if he wants all the candy.  His eyes widened in disbelief as he said yes.  I then unzipped the bag and gave him the candy.  He was thrilled and the other kids got jealous when they found out.  I noticed the kid backed away from me for a second as if uncomfortable.  I told him that if his parents asked where he got the candy, then make sure they know I didn't tell him to jump into the back of my white van or anything of that nature.  The candy was his no strings attached. 

I then left the area, but looked back when I saw the kids fighting over the candy.  "My candy!" The boy yelled as he held the bag away from the other kids.  Eventually they stopped and nobody was hurt.  Anyway I'm glad I made his day.  I decided to keep this from my family because they would probably chastise me for being a creepy man at the park and giving a kid some candy.  I'm happy with myself though.

Meanwhile with Chess I have been practicing a lot of najdorf variations on Chessable.  I purchased a full course, but this one is not panning out as well as I would hope.  The thing is that most players don't follow the theory of najdorf. I hope it works well for learning typical patterns which I have already picked up a couple, but the main thing I need is calculating the resulting positions when out of book.  A gm can show me all the best moves, but without the ability to find such moves I am left with memorization.  So far I have mixed feelings on the course but it is okay.

I devised a better training method for my purposes.  I found a list of games in the najdorf and started playing through those with my tournament board.  This helps me much more when I sit down and practice calculating the positions.  I will see a lot of typical patterns for white and black this way, but I also train how I think about it without just memory.  So far my opinion of the najdorf somewhat favors white, but I will keep practicing.

About a week ago I tried practicing the French, but found that black can easily stumble into a strategically losing position because of the bad bishop.  I felt that the risk was not worth the potential queenside pressure which seemed promising at first.  I did get a little better playing the French with both sides anyway.  I think the key is not to get fixed on one color, and see how these games pan out in practice. 

I have a special gift in my enthusiasm, inner joy, and flow which make can make me play as well as a 2300.  I am going to hone this gift by feeding my brain the right foods and getting rid of the things that make me groggy.  Tuna and eggs are start.  Smoothies will help for lunch or breakfast.  Beyond that my options start to seem limited unless I stop saving the fruits for lunch and eat them as snacks.  There are some veggies that I take as snacks too sometimes.  But for lunch and dinner?  I usually just cook something out of a box, or some oatmeal or something.  I typically just go for convenience, but this just will not do for a chess brain.  Neither will skipping exercise.  If I want to hone this gift, I must treat it with care so I can tap into my inner genius.

[trenton]

May 1

I am coming with an update from a chess tournament it was the 81st Indiana state championship.  I was playing up in the open against much stronger opponents. I performed well in spite of my lower rating and went up by 100 points.

I drove up to Indiana with mom and Dave. We checked into my hotel room where I would stay alone for two days. I was thrilled and this was a dream come true. Staying in a hotel in an unfamiliar location playing chess against strong opponents. This is the life!

I did my best to eat healthy because there is an obvious difference in my performance when I eat fruit smoothies and tuna over sugar. Chess is a great motivator for personal development when it comes to emotional mastery and health.

In round one I played a candidate master rated 300 points higher than me and won. He played an old variation of the Nimzo Indian Defense and I allowed him a few chances to equalize, but I was never in serious trouble. He was tempted to fudge the results after the game, but I didn't let him.

I spent my time between rounds either practicing the najdorf variation or observing the emotions in my body. I didn't have much good so I had to order fast food from door dash. Ideally I would avoid this junk food too, but I didn't have enough to eat. That night I cried because I noticed that my mind was doing its best to understand itself but only being partially successful. It seems to be part of OCD and autism, and if I manage to grow and cope with some of the symptoms that effect my thinking system, then I can become an extremely powerful chess player. For example, I might think for less time and play equally powerful moves. This would be on the level of a life master of I accomplished this. I am working on all of this as I write this.

I slept well in spite of the McDonald's. In round two I played another candidate master. I was kicking his butt early on, but I failed to convert the full point. He put up a stubborn resistance and drew. I need some work on converting won games.

Round three I played a life master. I played aggressively early on, but I messed up and was on the back foot. Eventually I nearly drew, but my opponent looked at me and decided to take a risk because I was nervous. Since I was not confident he decided that I would probably make mistake and lose later on. My nervous bladder played a role in this game. Ultimately I lost even though I could have drawn had I been more confident. This was my Most instructive game of all.

That night door dash canceled my dinner and I did not have enough to eat. This lead to an obvious difference in my state of mind for the rest of the tournament. I could not focus and I was making silly mistakes.

Round 4 I trusted my memory over my concrete analysis and got a worse position out of the opening. I was then forced to improvise for the rest of the game, proving only partial compensation for the material sacrifice. I never took back the pawn if it meant giving white a position with better placed pieces as my pieces would be uncoordinated after winning back the pawn. Finally, after 40 moves won back the pawn and set up a snare. My opponent in his time trouble fell for the snare and realized it when it was too late. This allowed me to swindle the win and he was pissed. I made an enemy that day.

Round five was poor. I was exhausted and had a better position out of the opening and dropped it to a knight tactic. I lost quickly in that game. I need to anticipate my fatigue and work to prevent it. Maybe if I had more and better food to eat last night I would have maintained higher performance.

This moves themselves in an analysis are only one small part of the chess game. The real chess game includes all of the personal development that goes into diet, exercises, emotional mastery, and more. Of course I need to improve in every aspect of the game, but there is more to chess than just memorizing moves. You need to build yourself up as well, not just win the quiz show.

A couple of interesting experiences included running into chess players who were studying the same thing as me. The champion and I were both using Chessable which was kind of funny. The guy I drew was the former champion of this tournament.

Finally, I ran into Christians and it was interesting. First they were talking about Moses and discussing some of the prayers that Jews do. Next they started talking about bible studies and fear of God. I was familiar with this last time I went to church and there was a theme of fear. Those who fear God go to heaven. The man leading the bible study said that fear does not necessarily mean be afraid of God, he could mean have respect for God. This would avoid punishment and wrath without being paranoid and terrified. That seems a little new it reminds me of having respect for psychedelics versus being scared of them because of the war on drugs. 

one woman mentioned that we often get stuck in every day life trying to make ends meet and we fail to see the beauty of life. She then went on to say that she hears the birds more often and it helps her remember the infinite intelligence with which all of existence is designed. I walked outside and looked at the geese and noticed more intricate patterns on the feathers as if they are each unique like our faces or a leopards spots. It reminds me of racism when I feel like black people look more similar to each other than white people. It happens because I don't see the deep intelligence with which all of existence is designed and I thus focus on the obvious difference of skin tone. If I were exposed to more black people I would be better at spotting differences and getting used to names I am not used to. This is how mankind can be taught unconditional love through the appreciation of uniqueness in every aspect of creation.

All in all a very fun experience. I look forward to future tournaments.  In the meantime I will continue working to understand my mind and the effects of autism, OCD, and other mental conditions to master my life.

[trenton]

I notice a common pattern in my thinking is to call myself names. This is often to cover up my embarrassment related to a thought I previously thought was smart but now think is not. The names include monster, idiot, genius, and more.

I want to write this down because I am curious about how much better I would be off if I stopped this. I'd imagine that I would get better at detecting suppressed emotions and releasing them. This is key to mastery in chess and probably other parts of life as well.

Meanwhile I started backsliding on my diet again and I am staying up later. I will perform better if I get back on track. 

[trenton]

I notice a common pattern in my thinking is to call myself names. This is often to cover up my embarrassment related to a thought I previously thought was smart but now think is not. The names include monster, idiot, genius, and more.

I want to write this down because I am curious about how much better I would be off if I stopped this. I'd imagine that I would get better at detecting suppressed emotions and releasing them. This is key to mastery in chess and probably other parts of life as well.

I also have a tournament coming up in a couple of days. It is the Indy 3500. I will be playing in the championship section of 1800+. I am about 1830 or so. This should be interesting if most players are higher rates than me. One challenge is that this is a one day tournament. There are four games back to back each about two hours. I need to wake up at about five o'clock to start going to Indianapolis. These two aspects make it seem more difficult, especially since I work Friday. I think I will be able to handle it.

On a related note I am letting go of becoming a grandmaster. I asked other gms and they told me that if I have to hold down a job and I don't have the money to travel to a lot of tournaments then this kills the idea. It seems that something has to fall your way to get that far. This includes upbringing such as having a father who is rated 2000 train you since you were five. When it comes to my chess development I was mostly on my own with this interest as most of the family did not want to study these things. My chess development was slower and I may not get As far. I am not upset about these things and it feels almost relieving. It helps me to have a greater understanding for those who are slower in development as much of it depends on circumstances and upbringing. This way I can look at someone rate 1100 for instance and know that they are doing their best given their life circumstances.

I am also careful to not turn this into a limiting belief. I know I am capable of becoming at least a life master because I defeated candidate masters and play very well in my peak form. I trained the first chess team at walnut hills and was the first in the history of the school to win the scholastic chess series. I still have a lot to learn and it can get overwhelming, but I am making steady progress.

[trenton]

I'm back from the chess tournament and have the same pattern of not winning won games. This part of my practice may need more of my attention than endgames and I may subordinate studying endings to converting won positions.

The thing is that these topics are entangled. If I improve my endgame knowledge, then I could use that as an additional way of winning won games. It is just that in my games I often allow my advantage to slip in either time trouble or a complicated middlegame.

I have also been debating whether or not to return to the chessable daily streak. On one hand, I don't want it to become an unconscious habit of merely surviving a streak. It places an uncomfortable pressure on me during my studies. I might decide to kill my streak on purpose once a month just to make sure I'm studying consciously rather than as a survival machine. It would be a 600 day commitment to hold a 1000 day streak just to get a badge. I'm leaning toward killing my streak on purpose to send myself the message that I am not there for badges and points, I'm there only for the most relevant courses to my chess growth. These courses are relevant opening courses, endgame courses, my current tactical drills, and potentially computer or championship studies. I see my mind subtly blurring the boundary between badges and improvement because in many indirect ways, these badges could be related. The badge that bothers me is 1 in 100,000 achievement. Once I get that I should be happier when it stops bugging me.

In other news I have deconstructed my self image as an anti conformist. I feel much happier, more peaceful, and joyful. I am more authentic without the underlying neuroticism beneath my creativity. It was a need to be different and stand out. I can be creative without this underpinning negative motivation of being conformist, mediocre, etc. Perhaps this is the reason why I often set unrealistic expectations for myself and became depressed. I will share the story with my brother because he may find it instructive.