Solving my Midlife Crisis

[trenton]

I will be writing in this journal everyday to remind myself of my mission.  I have a cognitive dissonance in spite of finishing the life purpose course.  I am mainly split between spirituality, politics, and chess.  I must know what I want.  This topic makes me cry when I write about it, yet I feel determined.

I work at a job which does not allow me to exercise my full potential.  It also does not pay enough money for me to live on my own, and even if it did I would be working so much that I could not be a chess player.  I would need a part time job which allows me to be off on weekends.  Otherwise, I cannot play in as many tournaments as possible and I will continue to lag behind.  I know it is possible to play in a tournament every week.

As for spirituality, I understand the truth can radically change how I see the world.  I would rather live knowing than not knowing.  I will have to place a schedule to the best of my abilities and stick to it when it comes to meditation and eating foods that help my mind.  I don't know how effective psychedelics are, but currently it is impossible for me to use them legally and epilepsy is a possible issue.  I must rely on books and meditation on this front.

As for politics, I am concerned about my contribution to mankind.  I feel like I need to do something that matters.  If there were such a thing as a job about Decriminalizing psychedelics and marijuana, then that could be cool.  I know that I value doing something significant with my life so my existence can be felt.  Otherwise, I feel like my life is meaningless in a bad way.  This may also require a lot of work to get a bachelor's degree and go to law school and such.  This would be far from being a chess player.

One plan is to move to Kentucky, but my family is hesitating.  I can't go to another country and try psychedelics because my family does not want that.  I can't move out unless I have a full time job that prevents me from competing in tournaments and working in a job that fulfills me.  These can'ts are not the end all be all.  I might have to move to another country to become a chess player.

At any rate, I want to resolve this cognitive dissonance that interferes with my life purpose.  I can't tell what field of master I should go for.  I will figure it out somehow, and writing here everyday will be my reminder.

[trenton]

I want to focus on what I can do.

First I can write out my results from the life purpose course.  I am not posting content or methods from the course, only results.

I know my values are creativity, significance, truth, honesty, originality, self knowledge, optimism, personal development, learning and education, independence.  a core value is self awareness.  This supplements all of my other values.

My strengths are creativity, open mindedness, genuineness, wisdom, and judgement.  I want to use my original thinking to inspire others rather than working a dead end job with no value for creativity.  One method could be to pursue chess mastery.  This conflicts with my work schedule and my family doesn't want me to play chess all day to prepare for tournaments.

Secondly, I can clarify what I want.  I am currently getting into more chess tournaments so it seems that this should be My field of focus.  I still feel torn between that, politics, and spirituality.  Going based on my values, I want to pursue spirituality, but I don't know how to do this.  I know I could be successful in chess given enough effort. 

The three things that divide me are survival and separation from my family, living a significant and meaningful life in which my existence can be felt, and pursuing the truth while using my creative capacities to their fullest.  My first task is to use my creativity to align my life with my values.  I am pursuing truth ultimately, not chess.  This is a stepping stone I am trying to use to build the life I want.  I have a tournament coming up in April.

I know there are volunteer opportunities for isha.  These are not sustainable for making a living though.  Spirituality and truth seem to be the least practical in terms of survival.  The best I can work with is reading and educating myself to apply anything I learn to personal development to my life.  That is the best I can do on the front of spirituality given my current position.  It is still significant in reforming how I think.

I feel like I'm setting a negative time and like I'm a victim in a cage.  I am having thoughts like I should kill myself, but I know I don't act on those.  The goal of writing here everyday is to remind myself of what I want.  This keeps me grounded, determined, and focused.

Good luck.  I know you can do it.

[trenton]

I hit a couple of dead ends for the moment.  It looks like everyone is doing the best they can, but I can't get anywhere unless I drive myself to tournaments.  I considered moving to Kentucky, but that does not look realistic any time soon.  I spent some time over there studying chess games and endgame theory.  I started a study called grow through experience.  I think the Best way for me to learn is by playing games and studying them.  My next best way is by books and courses.

I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately.  I know it started by saying this was a mid life crisis and I began pushing to solve it somehow.  I could call it a threshold guardian.  This would be a more positive framing in that it is not like I am reading myself apart.  I wish I could retitle this thread and call defeating the threshold guardian.

One thing that inspires me is the fact that everyone is doing the best they can, but it is not enough.  It means there must be something more I can do like driving even though I am afraid.  I am prepared to go to Vegas in a few months.  I hope I'm ready for the chess tournament then.

I am love

[trenton]

I spent a lot of time recently focusing on improving chess and reading books from Leo's book list.  It is helping me to sort through a lot of the lies I lived such as trying to be smart and intellectual.  This becomes a false pretense which tells me that I value spirituality more than I really do.  This then leads to a cognitive dissonance in terms of what I should be pursuing in life.  I do appreciate the clarity and peace of mind it gives me when I do this though.

I talked with my brother about what he wants to do with his life.  Sometimes he has self esteem issues and a lot of it has to do with fighting with my sister.  She interprets so many things as an attack when really we don't mean any harm.  This leads to her picking fights and arguments while denying any validity in the things her family has to say.  We try our best to get along with her, but it fails in so many ways that there is no room for error whatsoever.  I just don't know what to do, so I isolate myself from my sister just as my brother does.  My sister interprets this as an attack as well, so I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

As far as my chess studies go, I made a lot of progress.  I didn't study endgame theory this time, but I viewed positions relevant to my recent tournament games.  This includes queen's gambit declined and Sicilian defense.  I then shared my studies with my brother and played a game against a stronger opponent for him.  I was rated about 100 points lower.  I narrated my thinking process to my brother and played a rare, but okay move.  I provoked many weaknesses in my opponent's camp and used them to attack his king.  I had an advantage through the whole game, and ultimately won the endgame with extra material and a final tactic to win the rook, causing white to resign.

My brother often gets bored and has nothing to do, but he enjoys learning history and playing chess with me.  He gets bored sometimes, but it isn't boring when he is playing it.  It told him that becoming a professional takes a lot of boring work.  I have a 500 paged encyclopedia just on endgame theory and 5 other books to go through yet.  As Kasparov said "hard work is talent."

 As for some bad news, I lost my life purpose course.  It was probably because I logged into my laptop, my tablet, my grandma's laptop, my grandma's tablet, and a desktop.  It makes it look like multiple people logged in because my grandma lives out of state.  It was actually me in all cases. I'm not too bummed out about this because I finished the course anyway, so I'm fine.

My honest opinion of the life purpose course is that it was mediocre.  Yes I'm grateful that I discovered many things about myself, but I was being held back by many other issues which the life purpose course could not address.  Because of this I believe that the book list is more effective at transforming my life.  The wisdom packed in these books help me to undo many of the false pretenses I put on, but which make their way into the life purpose course.  This hindered my results because I was stuck in a cognitive dissonance that never went away with just the course.  I was pointed in a general direction which was nice, but if you really want results then you should combine it with the book list.  Your emotional problems will taint the results you get from the course if you feel unloved, have low self esteem, feel depressed, or anything else of that nature.

I hope you enjoy the update.  Good luck to you all.

[PepperBlossoms]

@trenton I too had cognitive dissonance at my last job.  Good luck with the chess.  What do you like about it?

[trenton]

On 3/13/2022 at 2:13 PM, PepperBlossoms said:

@trenton I too had cognitive dissonance at my last job.  Good luck with the chess.  What do you like about it?

@PepperBlossoms

Thank you for asking.  I will explain the best I can.

What I enjoy the most about chess is the spirit of the player.  By putting myself in a state of flow, nothing in the universe bothers me any more, only the task at hand.  This becomes peaceful, yet tense.  Energetic, yet relaxed and focused.  And with a determination that can be seen in my eyes.

What I love about chess is the sense that I can get rid of a lot of internal chatter and conflict in which I tear myself down with my victim mindset.  I make myself feel hopeless and fight myself constantly.  When I get all of that to stop, it helps avoid deeply depressing attitudes while allowing my strengths to shine brighter than I thought possible.

The titles themselves are meaningless.  I want to do something fun that makes money for one thing.  I also want a job that requires me to grow and change.

[trenton]

I don't know why, but my brain does not seem to be clicking and I am screwing up badly in chess.  Maybe this happens after I'm off of work.  I can't focus as much anymore and I get annoyed.  I feel myself shifting toward a negative mood again which previously lead to suicidal thoughts.  I start to feel trapped when my brain does not work right anymore and I get stuck.  I need to do something about this pattern right here.

I end up just messing around on YouTube and walking around or eating ice cream after I get off work.  If I make a fruit smoothie instead of ice cream or might make a positive difference.  I get a sweet tooth after work, so this is the key.

As for some good news, I wrote a letter to a neighbor about how their dog jumped the fence.  I hope they read it and see that their dog ran up and down the side wall in the middle of the night.

[PepperBlossoms]

One of the things I am thinking about is - when we do stuff, do we do it to get away from other stuff or do we do it because we are choosing to do it, or both?

Like okay every pick will be at the opportunity cost of everything else.  There could at every moment be a number one thing that we want to be doing in that exact moment but that may not necessarily be what we are doing.

One of the things I started thinking about when it comes to negative thoughts is that it is not that they are not necessarily bad.  Negative thoughts can identify problems, walls, confusion, questions, etc. and we can use that to create curiosity, growth, change, identify potential, etc.  They can also be used for anxiety, depression, hopelessness, suicide, etc. too.

Thoughts that disapprove of things will happen all the time and how we choose to use those thoughts can make a mile of a difference.  We can find good and bad things in everything and people will have varying degrees of how good they are at this and it will also be based on how much they notice, are aware of, etc.

[trenton]

19 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

Like okay every pick will be at the opportunity cost of everything else.  There could at every moment be a number one thing that we want to be doing in that exact moment but that may not necessarily be what we are doing.

@PepperBlossoms  very good ideas thank you.

This right here is what paralyzed me in college because I became unable to pick a major.  At first I wanted to be a chess grandmaster, but my family wanted me to go to college.  There were no chess majors, so I tried to pick something that eventually makes me better at chess.  Maybe psychology would make me better, but I didn't like the career prospects.  As I shifted my focus toward career prospects, I considered politics, but switched because of fear of failure.  I also wasn't mature enough to do such a thing.  I ended up narrowing my decision to computers or business because the career prospects are the most lucrative that way.  Maybe financial independence could help me become a grandmaster. 

By this point I felt torn in many different directions.  Every major is because I want something unrelated or the one that I am somewhat passionate about seems difficult to achieve just like transforming our overly secularized society such that we better appreciate the importance of emotional mastery and the spiritual wisdom that backs it up.

20 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

One of the things I started thinking about when it comes to negative thoughts is that it is not that they are not necessarily bad.  Negative thoughts can identify problems, walls, confusion, questions, etc. and we can use that to create curiosity, growth, change, identify potential, etc.  They can also be used for anxiety, depression, hopelessness, suicide, etc. too.

Thoughts that disapprove of things will happen all the time and how we choose to use those thoughts can make a mile of a difference.  We can find good and bad things in everything and people will have varying degrees of how good they are at this and it will also be based on how much they notice, are aware of, etc.

That is a very useful observation.  My negative thoughts identify problems such as my relationship with my sister, my job at Kroger and how it lacks creative labor, my confusion regarding my life purpose, the challenges COVID has created for me, my sense of being stuck in chess improvement, and my fear of failure in politics.  Thoughts like these could be used for hopelessness and depression, but the alternative seems more promising.  Thanks for pointing that out.

In terms of potential, I could be doing a lot more than bagging groceries and wiping poop and blood off the toilets and bathroom walls which is my least favorite part of the job.  Any other job I take would only be if it makes it easier to become a grandmaster or if I can do something that is significant enough for my existence to be felt.  This would be something like Decriminalizing psychedelics, which if there were a job for that then that would be an awesome job.  I could try contacting some holistic medicine sites to learn more about this.  If there were a job in which creative labor had a substantial impact on mankind that paid enough for me to move out, then that would solve a lot of problems.  It sounds idealistic, but it is worth a shot.

As for chess, my current job makes me feel exhausted to the point that I want to eat ice cream and lay down in bed.  My brain feels dead at the end of the day so I can't think clearly.  Maybe replacing ice cream with fruit smoothies would help.  Otherwise, I may continue to feel stuck when this is combined with working at a grocery store with varying schedule.  The more time off I have, the happier I am.  I mentioned this to the management just as I described the fact that this job lacks creative labor.  They said they have nothing there and I should get a different job.

Most of my negative thoughts revolve around all of this potential and all of the things I could doing with my life.  My co-workers are unwilling to even talk about how they feel stuck in life as well.  I could say that this is my main advantage over most employees who have already given up on any higher ideals.  "Living up to my potential" becomes a common theme which leads to sleeping problems and suicidal thoughts as it starts to seem like my life is not worth living if I'm stuck forever.  I would rather try the other method of using negative thinking for something purposeful.

Thanks very much for the observation.

[PepperBlossoms]

This topic is super, super tricky and I am still not sure how to address it myself.  We could develop systems that have more funding for creative endeavors.. which maybe there are I just haven't looked at them.  We could work less hours and then spend more time on what we want.  We could go to a moneyless society where people are more incentivized not to have excess and just have what they need and make things as efficient as possible and then focus the rest of their time on what they want.

I guess we have the power to do what we want - or that is what I tell myself.  But it also feels really hard to believe that... but we can choose to believe what we want..

I see stuff getting decriminalized in various areas.  There are companies that are involved with that if you want to look in to those.

Many jobs may exist just for the sake of existing.  If we could get rid of excess efforts on things that are not really adding much, those efforts could be spent elsewhere.

The whole thing of having a job that agrees with one's values seems really hard and it seems like the easiest way to do it is to have one's own thing going.

The whole society-money-government-work-survival-values thing seems so complex but I guess I haven't read enough books about that topic and have not had enough epiphanies on it.  I guess one would need to understand how government-politics-money works maybe..?

[trenton]

6 minutes ago, PepperBlossoms said:

The whole society-money-government-work-survival-values thing seems so complex but I guess I haven't read enough books about that topic and have not had enough epiphanies on it.  I guess one would need to understand how government-politics-money works maybe..?

@PepperBlossoms  

Leo mentioned that in how to escape wage slavery.  If you don't understand how the economy and business works and how to become a massive value provider, then you're fucked.  You will probably be a wage slave until you die no matter what dead end job you switch to.  His recommendation is to start a business. 

It is harder to do with COVID, but I still looked into building my own chess club.   so far nothing became of it because I was using an employment service for people with autism and I can't find the diagnosis.  I could use any regular service then if that works better.

Meanwhile, a dark reality about how these complicated things work is that most of the money in the world is made through exploitation, slave labor, disaster capitalism, fighting over oil and so on.  This doesn't have to be a limiting belief because it is possible to make millions without slavery. You just won't become a billionaire with way more money than you need anyway.  Becoming a millionaire is still within reason.  If your concerned about slavery, then the global supply chain is deeply corrupt and the U.S. alone imports hundreds of billions of dollars worth of slave products every year.  This requires going into politics to change.  Sometimes I think if machines did these jobs, then we would not have as many human sweat shops. Some of Leo's books on politics can get depressing.

[trenton]

I haven't been updating much because it often takes away from anything else I'm doing.  I will occasionally add.

I find that I am interested in learning about politics still and I have found implications in the imbalance of sex.  There are many applications, but one of them is that feminist movements tend to be more successful when the majority of a population is female.  This can happen following a major war.

I also found new angles for looking at border security and I enjoy learning about new perspectives.  I found that changing the drug policy throughout history has been more effective at stopping drug trafficking over our borders than directly securing them.  This has been unsuccessful since prohibition, and the smuggling of bootleg alcohol stopped after prohibition ended.  The same logic can be applied to marijuana with proven success.  I like finding how different issues are interconnected.

As for chess I beat my nemesis.  He is rated over 2400 and he beat me 12 times.

https://lichess.org/oxK0ogcK/black#0

I plan to tell my sister about why I resent her with a complete list.  This is one of the exercises in a book I'm reading.  She will likely interrupt, argue, deflect, and get sidetracked.  I doubt that she will want to apply many of the things I plan to tell her.  I will still test the exercise to know from experience.

[trenton]

If I want to find my life purpose, then I will need to find a way to show or tell the world who I am in my own unique way.  This may change in different moments, but I am more willing to confront dark truths than most of my co-workers.  This can be included in my life purpose.

I noticed that when I focus on a physical sensation, then my mind becomes quieter and I sleep more easily.  If I want to find my life purpose, then I need to find some way to quiet my mind by focusing on something to touch.  It is not something I find by jumping to different pages on the internet.  If My focus deteriorates then it explains why I feel so confused.

Perhaps I could use a rubber band for when my thoughts start racing.

[trenton]

My chess tournament starts tomorrow.  I know my openings pretty well and have no especially bad weakness.  I am excited for the near future and I would like to remember what it is like to be in a place that makes me happy.  I like to be in the zone to the point that nothing else in the universe bothers me and I have complete peace of mind.

After this tournament I would like to test out a new style.  It is playing more positionally rather than simplifying chess to just attacking.  My calculations are often over simplified through this bias.  The reason grandmasters tell people to adopt this style is because it works and it is an easy way to boost your rating by 1000 points.  Many players end up hitting a limit at 1800 though, and I would like to expand my knowledge and go above this.

I also notice that my games become increasingly beautiful as I improve so that is interesting.

[Ook]

Good luck with your tournament! 

[trenton]

I'm back from the tournament.

I lost two and won three.  The last win was against an opponent rated 200 points higher than me.  I didn't win any money, but I had useful experience and it shows my capabilities.  During the games I often felt like I had scatter brains.  It could be some kind of OCD and autism symptom.  It often makes me hesitate to move while being unclear about a final evaluation.  This more than likely affects my ability to think about my life purpose as well.  One limit of actualized is that it assumes a normal psychology, and I may need to find something more suited for me.

I had been thinking about a lot during the tournament.  It didn't distract me from the actual games, but I was paying closer attention to how my mind behaves and reacts.  When there are real stakes it is easier for me let go of strong emotions than normal and with more practice I will be doing better.  What I love most about these tournaments is not the money, friends, and awesome games.  Those are all nice, but I love having my mind focused on the task at hand in front of me.  I become paradoxically peaceful yet alert, determined yet detached, and in a state of flow.

One of the things I thought about was how much of my life I'm wasting doing things I don't enjoy.  I wondered if my purpose in life boils down to being a mediocre chess player who bags groceries.  If I can't come up with a great business idea, get away from my family, or actually play in tournaments as much as I want to, then this could seriously be the case.  This is probably why a bunch of players stagnate.  I feel trapped, angry, saddened, and disgusted.  If I can't do what I want with my life, then what the hell am I doing?  There are not many opportunities to work with Chess and make money.  I'm usually the quiet guy who is mysteriously good at chess.

I am off work Monday.  I will need to get a doctor's appointment, hire a grandmaster to ask his advice, prepare to move to Kentucky for a month, and as always keep practicing.  I struggle to find motivation to keep playing when I am stuck away from what I enjoy doing. 

I swear on my life that I will find a way out of this slow and painful death.  I become very pessimistic about life when I am stuck doing things I don't want to do while the other players get ahead of me.  It makes me feel like I'm wasting my time and there is nothing I can do about.  Maybe there is something I can do though.  If I have to do something drastic like moving to Europe, then fine.  I will not tolerate living in this depressing hell hole as I watch my body slowly deteriorate over the next 40 years.  Many of my co workers feel this way, but they don't want to talk about it.  Unfortunately, I struggle to make a clear sense of direction.  Maybe I was meant to become a cynical average worker who gradually becomes angrier because of my failures to live an enjoyable life just like the rest of them.

[trenton]

Update

I went to the doctor and received medication targeted at OCD.  It is very effective at knocking me out as I go to bed.  The doctor recommended that I don't have anything too sweet four hours before bed time.  This was also helpful and I am now eating less sugar.  I still need more protein though.

I also tested Leo's claims about the medical industry.  Firstly, they are against psychedelics and argued that the normal state of consciousness is most effective for proving things like the existence of God.  They are locked in the materialist paradigm.  Secondly, the doctor underestimates the harm caused by heavy metals, pfas, and micro plastics.  He said it shouldn't be enough to hurt me.  Thirdly, I asked about the cost of the emergency room.  They would not give me a straight answer even when I asked what do you charge for x injury.  Leo was right about the emergency room being a scam.

Also I told them that sometimes I get sad spells because I am not living up to my potential.  The doctor came back and said that he wants to help me reach my potential, but was also locked in the materialist paradigm.  Given these limitations I Overall gained because the medicine he gave me is working.  I have more plans for addressing my autism and OCD, but I will need to see a doctor targeted at that.

[trenton]

In other news, I think my life purpose has to do with my top interests concerning truth.  These are things like reforming our overly secularized society, philosophy, religious truths, and psychedelics.  The main commonality between these things is truth.  It is very easy for me to get side tracked by corruption and the lesser jihad.  These things are important, but most of them feel hollow to me.  I would still be okay with a career that helps so many people through logic, learning, and research.

One thing I did was visit a law firm and asked them about filing a 16 billion dollar lawsuit against chevron for refusing pay their lawsuits and locking up the prosecutor who tried to hold them accountable.  The main challenge is that I am not directly involved, therefore it could be hard to give the lawsuit a leg to stand on. 

Truthfully, justice feels hollow to me and it is about fighting enemies.  Logic tells me that the greatest good for the greatest number out weighs my own needs even if I die.  This idea underlying my interest in politics likely causes me to be drawn to these things.  I allowed myself to do these things because I notice how easily I am side tracked from the things that matter most to me.  I hope by going through these things, that one day I can be developed enough to do what I truly love.

[trenton]

Today's evaluation is that I ended up running around outside for several hours with no real goal.  I walked back and forth happily laughing at the thoughts that came by as I often do.  It could be that exercise is counter productive for me if I don't set a timer.

I was Overall less productive because my lack of a daily plan.  I also lack a five year plan and any real vision.  Maybe personal development isn't for me because my abnormal psyche plays a lot into my behavior.  So far the pills the doctor gave me are effective, so maybe I need to keep my focus on treating mental disorders.

If I pursue what I actually want it would be truth and understanding reality.  I have a lot of burning questions which I don't have answers to and I may be compensating for my not knowing by building an identity out of criticizing other world views.  Maybe I should stop asking myself what I should do with my life and just do whatever.

What if I tried not to think about my life or achieving any important, grand vision in the end.  I will try that.  It might be responsible for me analyzing everything to death with no clear goal.

[trenton]

my family said that my sister was going to sing in a choir.  I decided to go to church.  I didn't tell my family my true motives, and they thought it was to listen to the music.  My true motives are to do two things.  One to drop my fears and judgements surrounding religion.  I would like to be more than just an ego defined by being non religious because this creates a shadow.  Secondly, I am considering the possibility that I could use nearby churches to create experiences similar to what I can get through exercises in various spiritual books.  In one of these experiences I panicked as I merged with all of existence as this entire experience is nothingness just like me.  This was a glimpse, but if I could panic less, then that would help.  My main motive is to conquer my fears and become more capable of love.

I questioned my judgements of religion.  A common one is that they are dogmatic, and many spiritual teachers echo this.  The problem with using terms like "religion" is that it refers to billions of people with a ton of variety.  Even just "Christian" is such a broad term referring to a billion people.  When I think things like "Christians are fill in the blank" this is such a generalization that it seems racist.  I decided to challenge my judgements by comparing and contrasting all of the different sects in Christianity at least.  I could do this with other religions as well.  It is possible that some religions are more developed than I am given how fearful and judgemental I am over the issue.  I don't think my mind is mature enough to join a high conscious stage turquoise religion because I am far too judgemental to be able to handle it. 

I know not all religions are dogmatic because there are progressive, liberal, and liberation Christians.  Martian Luther King Jr. Was a liberation Christian and these movements challenge culture and commonly accepted dogmas.  Some versions of Christianity accept science rather than insisting that the bible is infallible which is what I typically think of when I hear "Christian."

I read about 13 different ancient sects of Christianity.  The adamites were interesting because they were naked during meetings and rejected the notion of absolute good and evil.  Usually when I hear "Christian" I think of a dogmatic moral absolutist.  Sometimes I imagine a Christian trying to stab me in the name of spreading his interpretation.  The fearful response I have to this image drives my judgements of religion as my survival becomes about rejecting these ideologies.  As a result I feel lost in life because I am in conflict with these images rather than exploring reality to its fullest.  This fear is similar to how I responded to moral relativism initially when I imagined being shot in the head.  This is an emotional reaction and I am not capable of changing this unless I meditate on the emotions and observe them rather than attacking the content of my thoughts as I typically do.

To give you a poem discovered in a Nag Hammadi Library in 1945.

The Thunder, Perfect Mind

For I am knowledge and ignorance.

I am shame and boldness.

I am shameless; I am ashamed

I am strength and I am fear.

I am war and peace.

(I am God). I might add this at the end of the poem.